Life has some strange co-incidences sometimes. I had a wonderful morning out, a walk beside the Lake, went to the movies to see : "The Second Best Exotic marigold Hotel" then did some shopping and finally had lunch in a place we used to go to as a family. I was the only customer and the partner in the business who I have known since he was a teen sat down and told me all his troubles. He is the owner's son and really her caregiver as well as she has had mini strokes. She still works in the kitchen but only at lunchtime which is their slack time. I finished up with his life story. Very interesting that people know who they can confide in.

He has some resentment and some regrets. I understand that as I listened to him tell me about "those who won't step up to the plate", he is a baseball player so that phrase was no surprise, and how he feels in a way he has been cheated as he stepped forward when his Dad died and now life is passing him by. So easy to feel like that. I suggested he looks at it as a life choice with it's own rewards, he lives in one of my favourite beauty spots, has a lot of freedom in the middle of the afternoon, has a respectable if not well paid job, is a good son to his mother (important as he is Hong Kong Chinese). And will eventually reap his reward, he is a Christian so believes that.

It made me think about my own resentments and regrets. If you are a regular reader of this blog you will know a lot about that, if not pick at random half a dozen or so blogs from the years 2008 - 2011 and you will see a lot of them listed. I regret some of the times I was impatient with Ray, some of the nonsense I listened to from the medical profession, some of the opportunities we missed, some of my own actions when things went wrong and I threw a pity party for one. Of course from that part of my journey I learned strength and patience and a kind of loving kindness towards others that is simply a reflection of what others showed me in the bad times.

Now I do try to live without resentments and regrets. It is because I am slowly learning wisdom. Some of that I owe to Asha who has patiently taught me to go with the flow, from Sarah who has a terrific sense of humor despite the fact that she has had life much harder than I have and from Steve Mallory who is a shining example of how a person with faith tries to help others. Building this site was an act of genius and who knows how many people have been saved because of it, myself among thousands of others. I am so grateful that I found this site when I did and so many people have been there to support me and show me such great kindness.

I have resented that my children have moved away but I am slowly seeing that this is giving me an opportunity to grow in a new direction. If they were closer maybe I would rely more on them and not on myself. By myself I can work out a new life. I know I cling to the past a little too much and need to "move on" but we all do make our own way through life at our own pace, so that is okay. I need time to work in my favour, smoothing out the edges of my grieving pain , allowing me to go slowly in a new direction, learning to be more independent. I want to change without losing the gains I have made on the stroke journey.

Sometimes I ask myself if I need to leave the stroke journey behind now but I think the answer is still "no", I need to keep on supporting others in their journey. I gained so much wisdom on the journey that to turn away from it now would be to put that aside also. I know in my church work and in my daily life I will continue to be able to help others simply because I have been there, done that. I know what it is like to be a full-time caregiver, how time slips by, how tired you get, how frustrated you get, how only people who have gone through the same thing, whatever caused them to become a caregiver, can truly know what you are going through. So I think I still know all of that and can share that and feel empathy for those still engaged in the struggle.

Is it still useful for me to be a chat host? Not a lot of people are coming into Caregiver Chat so I don't know that I really need to stay on there. I want to continue on with the Blog Moderator job and will continue to post comments on the forums but because of time restraints I may give up the hosting for now. I think HostSally does an excellent job and maybe someone else with a fresh approach to caregiving could help her to keep the chat going. I will discuss that with some of the other support staff to see what they think.

As most of you readers know church work takes up a lot of my time and I really do need more time for friends and family. I need to visit my daughter and her family more as she has mentioned that several times recently in our phone conversations. I haven't been down there for months and of course I also have my two sons and their families to visit too, flying being the best way in both cases. I am reminded that time is short as I found out today that one of the cousins I stayed with in England lost his son to misadventure recently. James was a vibrant young man, full of life which he lived at full speed. Life is short and we need to keep ourselves in touch with the extended family too to live without regrets.

My life is not perfect so I am still a work in progress, and I do hope I am progressing and growing in wisdom too. If I am growing in wisdom I have a lot of you to thank. So thank you just for reading this as well as for all your kind comments and ongoing support. (((hugs))) from Sue.