My daughter bought me a bracelet that says " Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, 'oh crap, she's up. ' " It has meaning for me in more ways than one. The first is that I have struggled with emotional pain each night as I fall asleep and I struggle with physical pain when I awake (time for pain pill) and I sometimes sob to God "why did I even wake up." even though I know I have so many to live for and my dreams to live for, the living is the struggle with a handful of meds keeping me alive and my loved ones needing me keeping me alive, but there are days when I am disappointed that I opened my eyes to my own bedroom and not my belief in the afterlife. I am not suicidal ever don't get me wrong. I just get weary of my struggles and impatient to be with my beloved Lord. I am catholic so I would never hurry up and go without an invitation from Him, which would be an immortal sin in my belief system. well it sorta is sometimes I am not saying it is in stone for all people just for me. I think He is merciful and in some instances I believe people have a right to choose so I don't want to go down that complicated road to discuss assisted suicide because I am only talking about how I feel and why I don't find a bridge. I want to be courteous on a blog here so I hope I covered it ok.

So my other beloved friend says that nothing in the universe happens without a reason, and that finding this bracelet was my answer in writing!! We just happened to go into a store looking for some throw pillows and this bracelet caught my eye in the jewelery case we walked by..just in that quick moment in the midst of lots of other trinkets I saw the word serenity on the card the bracelet was on. Isn't it lovely when life illuminates little treasures somewhere! Well my daughter treated me to it because she said that was me. I say that is the me I would like to be. The woman who brings good and integrity into my world, the world. I just struggle to stay awake period too which is also a problem in my life with these meds so I wake more than once a day. We laughed over that too. I cry over it sometimes. I can't seem to be able to cut these meds down because the pain is too much and so my quality of life is what I can do if the pain allows it. I am fighting to keep what I have going.I want my life work to be taking care of others along the way and I just hate how this stroke has made me so selfish selfcentered and oblivious to others sometimes because it has to be that way for me to get through the day sometimes and at other times I am just a bratty side of me still pouting over my losses.

Anyway daughter also bought me a hat which is funny because I am not a hat person but I have been out in the sun lately and she says I need one. I like being spoiled by daughter so I will wear it and it is a nice beachy hat by Roxy.

I went to a race daughter ran in. I sat there with phone camera going and a sign propped up on my shiny red walker with streamers. The sign was to cheer her on and her team. I had to walk so far to get to the spot that I felt I had done my own marathon. I brought plenty of water and some fruit and settled in comfy while the others ran for a while. I sat there in the midst of these amazingly healthy bodies in colorful athletic shoes and I felt like an alien in an alien's body smiling out of my alien's cage of a face. Then in the moment I forgot about that stuff and I was just another mother another parent another person there cheering on supporting on a loved one and sharing in their joy their struggle their goal which is made important to us out of love. Why else would I be up before the sun to sit outside and wait for someone? So I was out in the fresh air around the land of the healthy living youngster and it was contagious. I was glad to be alive and I was still part of it because I am part of a family, my own, and the bigger one, the human persons all around me, making room for me to take photos, smiling at me while I made my snail's pace around everything back to the car, and sitting there watching my fellow journey partners finding their paths in life. And when I went to get a coffee (I was so sleepy) I discovered how blind I was thinking it was all young healthy persons in this race because there were people with canes with number bibs ready to walk. I rejoiced and wished I could manage to take this walker for a spin. But I count my steps in feet and not in miles or blocks walked. So I vowed that next year I would join in no matter even if I do a block and a half, because I want to be a part of it and I want a pair of those colorful athletic shoes and to say yes I participated in the race. I didn't like not being in and sitting on the sidelines. I don't want to watch life run by me. Then later when alone I had a good sob about how unfair how painfully unjust and a rolling hardy pityparty soulful howl at the moon wretched primal scream at the universe that runs such a ponzi scheme of life. Then later I apologized to the universe for feeling entitled to more and rejecting of the lessons I am learning and for the second chance at life I was bestowed, gifted, and accountable for. Then I looked online for some colorful athletic shoes because who needs to be in a race to look good.

So me and my hat and perhaps my well fashioned feet if I can get into a real athletic shoe, will be going out more often this spring break to enjoy the sun the outdoors and the people around me. It is such a shame how we get together in public and we are so afraid to talk to one another. which is my most annoying trait according to my daughter, I talk to everyone anywhere. I like the Irish saying that strangers are just friends we haven't met yet. I was recently sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital I go to and I was chatting with someone sitting at the table and I shared that I believe that we are changed by each conversation and encounter with another person, no matter how small and insignificant it may be. I carry that energy with me. I can have an anger hang over for days because someone was rude to me or that I got impatient with a situation even if it was me in the right. I was recently reminded that every anger situation takes a chemical toll on the body as well as an emotional toll on mind and body. I am trying to be more mindful and joyful and keep my blood pressure down which I must say is horribly hard in the middle of the messes with my medical and insurance stuff to deal with. But if I remember that I am responsible for taking care of others as well as myself then it helps my attitude in dealing with the daily frustrations. I am thanking people more and doing random acts of kindness and hurrying less. I want to be a better person and not a bitter person. I want to make sure I seek joy and not listen to any pain in life. Pain may be overcome. Maybe meds all my life or not but I won't be held prisoner by pain.

I recently read some books by Yalom about existential stuff like facing death and in one of the stories he told, he mentioned that he believed we face death by how we saw our own parents face death. it got kinda heavy there but I took it as the chance to look at how I was doing the job of modeling to my adult kids what meaningful life and meaningful death is all about because one goes hand in hand with the other. I never took a minute out of my busy life to think that I was going to really die someday. Who does? We like to forget about that. I am going to a workshop this weekend about women and existential stuff which I am really looking forward to because I want to be a good mother and a good role model to my children and I want them to remember me being strong, being human ,being honest, being the me I like to be, being the me I despise but forgive, being alive with joy, being an adventurer in all of life. I will have the hat and shoes for it. And I want to appreciate every morning I wake up and remember it was a gift. I 'd like to kick butt and add some good in the world if I can too. I think I won't be doing anything amazing but I hope to be amazing which may spread the integrity of the universe around.