I met with a new neurologist in a teaching hospital stroke center. I broke down in tears uncontrollably when asked to describe the day of the stroke and what happened next blah blah. I said the most annoying thing was this loss of emotional control as I wiped my tears. She said it was common and impatiently asked more questions. As I described my symptoms she jumped up and said she was getting the DMV form to turn in because I shouldn't be driving. I stated I had not driven since the stroke day and I barely could stand to be a passenger for months but now I like it most of the time and can sit in the front seat again but I know I can't drive safely so I don't drive. She went on about my driving thing which isn't a thing for me at all anymore and I was irritated she kept educating me about the dangers of driving when I am full of symptoms and I don't drive. I wonder if I could find the car in the parking lot with my dizzyhead. I just cried more. Then we finally got to the symptoms after she told me that I would have to go get my records. I paused from crying to ask why I couldn't just sign a form and she could get them. She said they wouldn't send the disc and I had to get it. (I have since called and learned that they will send all records including discs and the friendly records lady said they do it everyday.) So then we talked symptoms and she did her exam and she wondered why I couldn't get to the bed thing and I said balance and dizzy floaty feeling so I could fall so I had the walker to lean on and I just had to hold on to something. I got to the bed and she did blood pressure checks and my bp drops when I stand up and she said it is a side of meds, along with my severe edema (I sure would like to have normal feet in time for my next pedicure) and she poked and prodded and sighed over my feet insisting that they should be doing something. But my feeling of relief that someone would take care of me sank quick when she said she wanted me off all pain meds because she couldn't tell what were stroke symptoms and what are sides.

And so I explained about the pain. As I do so often. I am so bored with pain believe me. But I froze in anxiety panic attack at the thought of not having any pain meds and remembering the torture endlessly going on so many times before. Most recent was the time I was in there getting a head scan and my meds wore off and I suffered hours before my bp zoomed so high and they gave me morphine and some sedative. I didn't sleep. I talked to my family members most of the night. seems narcotics make me talk alot. I finally got drugged up good when the put me in the mri thing. I feel like I am buried alive so I have to be zonked. Now whatever they gave me did the trick because I don't really recall it. But there is a disc I gotta get.

No more pain meds. She said that I have been on narcotics too long and she said and I quote, "That *beep* will mess up your life." I think it is a valid argument. However, I have had a stroke which has done a good job of messing up my life already so the rest is just icing. She said that my pain is caused by withdrawing off the norco and makes my pain more intense and then I take it again---a cycle of pain and drugs. She said that i needed to stop it because it isn't the right med. I explalned that it was all I was on for months until they put me on Gabapentin and I already had tried to wean off many times but the pain was too horrible. She said that I needed to totally quit it and get it out of my system and my pain would be better but that I had to get through the withdrawl pain first.

Am I going to detox like an addict then, I asked? I feel terrified and she saw my fear and said the fear I feel is the addiction. I think the fear I feel is being terrified I am going to be in agonizing unrelenting torture in my electrified leg and be in the hospital emergency room with sky high blood pressure. I said I was afraid it would give me another stroke. She told me that I wouldn't have a stroke because of that..strokes happen over time she said...an artery thing she said. And she said that no matter what argument I give, she is making sure I am not having another rx of narcotics. I felt like a real addict then. I felt ashamed and terrified and I felt I needed this narcotic more than anything else in the world. I feel full of doubt now because I feel real pain folks horrible pain I have had since the stroke and yes it is ruining my life all this groggyfoggy stuff but the alternative is like the other morning. The other morning I had slept hard and I woke to get water and use the bathroom, and I didn't pay attention to the time but I didn't feel too much pain so I didn't go iin to take another set of gaba and norco. One alone hasn't worked. we have been there done that. Anyway I go back to bed and sleep so that's good right? So I wake up in horrible pain because my leg has come alive and is a monster. I get to the bathroom and my pills are in the kitchen naturally so I have to call for help because I can't stand on the monster leg at all and I can't breathe the pain is so horrible and I am crying. Well I am told I was sobbing and franticly calling which didn't go ove well so early in the morning. And I was scolded: Why didn't you take your medicine on time? blah blah. I like to try and wean off of it this is true and I am always disappointed that I can't do past the hours too far and it is misery. So when she tells me that she is taking me off all pain meds for my own good because they make me dizzy and fuzzy, well I know where I am headed. to Hell. Then she dangles driving in front of my nystagmus eyes saying that if I am off the drugs perhaps I can go take the driving test. I imagine myself behind the wheel with my leg spasms kicking and me in pain, and my double vision dizziness and the pain, and my frozen numb hand on the wheel suddenly not feeling it and not being able to steer. I have come to terms with my no drive zone thing but is it really possible that the pills cause the most sides and I could drive again?

I called my insurance case manager and I said you have been with me this whole time and seen how this has gone for me and I am afraid of not having the pills we had fought so hard to get. She was surprised that I was told to just stop cold turkey and kept saying is she weaning you off? I said nope she isn't going to give me anymore end of story, because she said she watched a family member's life ruined by prescription addiction. I stated again that I don't have any history of substance abuse and I got off pain pills before for stuff without problem. I had some in my medicine cabinet for years and it expired. But now I am a begging pleading pathetic mess saying please don't leave me to be in pain in the middle of the night when no one hears me, and pain during the day when I could have been out living my life, sure kinda druggyfoggygroggy but out of my home and bed, out having some quality of life that isn't ruined by drugs but actually possible due to drugs but this is wrong she says so I am confused. I swear that even on this meds stuff I am not without pain so I know what it is like without it. I hate the sides of having a hand tremor and hearing some annoying sounds in my ear in my head what is that and swelling. It is time to try Lyrica? I don't care what I try but i need something. I am not normal like before stroke so I don't know any better what is better off drugs or not. Looks like I am going to find out.

I ask and ask do I have central pain syndrome. My answer now is no it is the norco withdrawal. I think I am going to be in agony again begging someone for help and ending up back in the hospital.

I asked to go to pain management specialist and she said that she would consider it after I get off the norco and if the gaba doesn't work and the lyric doesn't work. I think that is a long time isn't it to be playing around when I already know that this is how it is. But she says that I am addicted so I can't think right about it anymore. I don't believe that. I know pain and it is severely real. I describe it to her and she just says repeatedly you need to get off opiates. I ask if I am addicted then how safe is it to not wean then. Opiates are one that can be dangerous to just quit if you have been taking high dose for long time. I guess that is me then right? But she says she wants me off n.o.w.

So no I have not stopped taking them. I went a few hours past when I would have taken them but I had pain. I can't deal with it now like this because I have class and I can't do homework in pain. pain is ruining my life not drugs. I take a handful of drugs to stay alive and not one is worrying about that even when they swell me up like a baloon with fred flintstone feet. How do I know when I crossed the line from being a patient in pain getting meds to help me then turned into a pleading manipulating addict wanting to sit around high. She said no one starts off wanting to be addicted but then it happens so I have to stop taking them.

I know that I would be happier off the meds and wouldn't be high which I don't really like the feeling but the pain comes again.

I don't know what is right any more but I called my case manager and said all of this and she said to talk to the primary doc about getting to pain management (the neurologist said she doesn't like pain management) but I said all if does is make me sound drug seeking when I am really pain relief seeking cant someone help with the pain otherwise. I have taken non narcotics before but no one offers them now. One of my friends said perhaps I could get medical marijuana. I said ok so I would really be put out of my classes then thank you very much.That can't be better can it?

She told me to go to the support group. I said oh hey that's great but I won't be able to do that if I don't have pain relief. There I go again sounding desperate for drugs. In reality I am angry she isn't even offering alternative medicine. But I know is isn't any use pretending the stroke didn't happen. I feel like I have to suffer and prove all over again that this is really pain.

I gotta go take it now I can't get long past time. Maybe I am weak and whiney. I hear her say I will have to get past the withdrawal pain and I think what about my regular leg pain. Is she saving me?Am I in good hands when she tells em I don't have to do this alone?

I feel abandoned right now. Like an addict. I am chicken to face pain like this again. Now everyone will ignore it and say I just want drugs. How cruel this is.

I thought going to this big place with fancy doc would help me. Are they helping me and I am too addicted to realize it?

I gotta go get some sleep now at least I have some pills to take now. I can't imaging when I run out what it will be like. I only know what it was last time.

Maybe it will ok?