• entries
    215
  • comments
    1,685
  • views
    42,619

Nuances


nancyl

743 views

people who have followed my blog know a bit about my depression. and so I am happy to say I managed to do the drive and got my sister. But through out the drive my ears rang. I am so happy to have her. It really is a pity that I had the need for family in a way that i can not describe. as we drove i would have the temporary moments where I felt "normal". then the reminder of the ears ringing would start up - reminding me there is something wrong with me.

So it seems the answer to peoples question hi how are you… makes me pause and the only answer i am able to give is surviving . And wishing I could just say the word "good".But something about this depression makes me so brutally honest… It has a term for it - called…. uninhibited reply…. essentially this means i have a lot of trouble replying or even commentary from me is honest. Honesty when inappropriate is brutal. mostly for me - in terms I wouldn't just say to you I hate your new haircut. But if you said to me i like your haircut - i would go on in conversation and (if I wasn't happy with the haircut) about why I don't care for it…. It is just nuance in difference. But that in essence is part of my depression. a nuance of thoughts and I totally shift in mood. It is weird . and yet each persons depression is so different. I read somewhere that a depression can really only be described by a metaphor . And that is so true. Also makes a person hard to diagnose. I mean when my head spins as I describe - could also be a numbness to another.

 

I read my blog from last entry and that started me crying.Usually , Each day in the morning I feel confident I am improving. But as the day moves on I get the spun feeling, a feeling of tiredness , or numbness and it builds in me. until we get to the late afternoon or evening hours then I improve again - usually….. the nuances of life are also lessons of life….

 

I mean I have so much sadness in the past four years that when i didn't necessary feel every thing at the time it was happening. So now I am getting everything lumped up all at once and force fed to me… The emotions I swallowed for years are now front and center. I am crying again as i write this blog. With a bit of relief to cry as I have found I usually feel a bit better when I do. My grief and depression are certainly co- mingled … I don't know where one begins or one ends. Like I said I do seem to be getting better I usually get a few early morning hours and a few in the evening of "normal" feeling. And I could not claim that before, so there is improvement but again it is just a nuance.

6 Comments


Recommended Comments

Nancy : reading your blog reminds me how mental illness is so different for every one. I thought since I went through my own depression it made me expert in depression. but reading your blog makes me realize how different mental illness is. I am grateful that my depression was what it was & I was able to handle with medication, family support & blogging. 

 

Asha

Link to comment

Nancy, I understand, I tell you being a survivor or the wife or care giver is not an easy job in today's world in my mind!!!!

Link to comment

>So it seems the answer to peoples question hi how are you… makes me pause and the only answer i am able to give is surviving . And wishing I could just say the word "good".But something about this depression makes me so brutally honest… It has a term for it - called…. uninhibited reply…. essentially this means i have a lot of trouble replying or even commentary from me is honest. Honesty when inappropriate is brutal. mostly for me - in terms I wouldn't just say to you I hate your new haircut. But if you said to me i like your haircut - i would go on in conversation and (if I wasn't happy with the haircut) about why I don't care for it...

 

-Nancy, this sounds so much like me.   I believe it is the 'cinderella syndrome'.   We are generous with others, but find a lot of fault with ourselves.    I often will reply to 'how are you' with "still living, lots of people want to be me!"    I remember being complimented (oh, you can do anything!) on a shirt I made once and I just stood there with my mouth hanging open.   They were quick to jump in and apologize, thinking I'd taken it the wrong way and they didn't mean it bad.   In a minute I found my tongue and assured them that I did understand correctly... it's just that no one had ever said anything like that to me.   I wasn't used to getting compliments or anyone really caring how I was... and was taught that it was incredibly selfish to think about myself at all.   Very confusing world, to believe everyone else is worth anything, but this other person, not.   Mixed messages screw with your head.    Even if you didn't grow up that way, you still received a big dose of that, as a caregiver always trying to do the best and maybe it would make a difference, putting yourself last.

 

I'm so happy your sister is there.   Finally some time for you to bond with someone and receive some nurturing to your spirit.   Love you!

Link to comment

who am I ? --- last night I went and visited Dan in the nursing home - I had also seen him for lunch earlier in the day. Dan at the noon hour visit was unshaven for a period of time. good week or so growth . his nails were long he smelled and had 2 bottom sheets ( elastic ) one was for the bottom but they had given him a bottom sheet for his top sheet. I left knowing I would be back and checking if any improvements had been made when I had left .. giving the benefit of the doubt, ince dan is a "NO" man.

well I returned in evening and nothing had changed . So I SHAVED HIM CLIPPED HIS NAILS, WASHED HIM UP AND HAD HIM BRUSH HIS TEETH. oops on the caps.. anyhow I did that and went and told the nurse. That this has to be done daily - and to get out bed daily. and she apologized for the staff and went off to find the aids and correct the sheet at the very least. Today for lunch I returned and everything looked a little better. Deep sigh...

I did tell the nurse, If I still wanted to do all that , he would still be home. She agreed and truly she is a good nurse. But summer is when the regulars take vacation and often their is aids who are students who work only in the summer. I am allowing for slack on their end.. And Dan is 50% of the problem. So we shall see, we shall see. I am trying so hard to just let go. And this isent helping. One of the things I told my self is dan needs to go to the nursing home, because in reality he is going to be better cared for... Now it is appearing that will not be the case... so my approach to not having him home - the primary reason is ME - I just cant anymore - I just lack the ability or energy .. I did all I could, there is nothing left. So guess what comes next? Guilt - and lots of it.... Because if his care is getting is not at least equal to or better than what I can do - then what? Guilt.... So I will stay on top of his care needs... It just sucks that I have to, cause I really am just "nothing left"... really the guilt is not helpful in the least with my depression... I really need one more reason to beat my self up. Since this depression is in part guilt and man I am my worst enemy... I hold myself to standards that are unreasonable.. so arghhh. this corner I am in is so tight...

Link to comment

Cinderella syndrome --- truth - your hitting everything right on the head Sandy.... I do literally BEAT myself up over everything....

Link to comment

>One of the things I told my self is dan needs to go to the nursing home, because in reality he is going to be better cared for... Now it is appearing that will not be the case... so my approach to not having him home

 

-this is still true, Nancy.   You can't do it.   If you fall in the floor dead what kind of care will he get?   Would he even be able to call for help?   A failing person can not produce 'the best help'.... although... they can be the 'enforcer' (think of that as a title, like a super hero :)     You're still watching out for Dan, Nancy.   But now you're the forman, not the guy on the floor.

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.