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dog chasing her tail



As some of you know ( probably everyone who has read my blog ) - After Dans catastrophic stroke 4 years ago, I have done and tried everything in our power and budget... Researched as much as I could get my hands. Prayed, pushed, cried , and tried to" will" my husband all better. It did not work out, at all. Sadly I finally relinquished Dan to the nursing home. And that is not easy( nothing has been for the last 4 years.

Almost a year ago I started to go manic- I had no idea, I had entered a manic stage. for the most part no one could tell except family. Even family could not figure it out. But in late November it became obvious to family as I had taken some pills - and wasn't right. I have a girlfriend who is in the medical field. She came and seen me. I was not myself, but didn't need any medical emergency intervention. I wish I had gotten that intervention that night, it would have put me on the looong road to mental wellness. Hindsight 20/20, right?

every doctor I seen gave me the same old, you are stressed go home and rest. Really , manic people are always moving and have racing thoughts. I felt like I was on a amusement park ride. Sleep I had no idea what that was.. and self medicating with alcohol is not a good thing, but without it I could not sleep. So then I would go back to the doctors same issues - was completely honest with them. And still nothing - what I needed was a referral to a psychiatrist . But I would get scrip after script for antidepressants I tried them and they made me worse. I just kept spinning and crying. Finally I either had to no longer live. The pain of mental illness is excruciating . For me it was like a 24hr/7 days a week panic attack for 5 months. It wasn't so much I wanted to die - I just didn't want to live anymore. And all the people in my world made no difference. It is weird looking back, I seriously had "nothing" of value that tied me to this world. The whole, think of the kids,and lots of people care about you was not the deterrent we all assume it is.

Finally it was either I die or go to a mental hospital. So I chose the mental hospital in a last ditch effort. Glad I did. I finally found a doctor who knew what was wrong. And the correct med to help remedy it. I now take amytriptiline to help slow the spin. but I also needed sleep . And every drug in the book did not help me. So we moved to the class of drugs of antipsychotics. Yes that got me to sleep. Hooray ! I had dreams again. I hadn't had any dreams for at least a year. Probably more.

It has been 12 weeks of medications get me to the point I am at right now. I still can fade out of reality, I get a detached feeling from this world. Like a third person. That particular symptom has plagued me for a long time. So it will take a long time leaving. It is better - way better. I don't have the constant panic attack, but still do get them. The meds will continue to help me, along with counseling.Oddly we took dan off lamictal and now i take it. lamictal and lithium are about the only drugs - " out there" that can help stabilize moods.

Moods - the root of depression. certainly as time goes on I can see that it really is mood . So when racing or dark thought of utter despair come knocking - I have to try and grasp a new thought -quickly-. And that is not easy, because a dark thought also brings the anxiety. I am like a go chasing my tail.

A lot of my issue is worry about Dan. Have I done right by him.... Yes I have. More than most but not as much as some. And I am so self critical that I am literally a "bully to myself". everything I do I criticize.

I cry at the nursing home daily - for Dan, for his loss of his - well- everything . This was a man, who if there was a hell designed specifically for him he is "in it". Loss of mobility, having to have " cares done" being dependent on others, for every thing and then not have the "voice" to even tell people what he wants. So the good staff will pay charades of what is he wants. and the staff who are lesser will be a bit passive aggressive with him. and or just walk out.

Correcting staff is like sending the steak back at a restaurant . The problem will do that one extra thing to *beep* dan off. Now Dan is not raging at them. But he is very OCD. and just can't stand certain things. Mostly because he has no control in his world, so he controls the few things he can.

And Dans OCD is agonising - FOR EVERYONE.. Dan is getting as good of care as a nursing home can provide. But I have learned to lower my standards. by a LOT. I had to lower my standarrds or I couldn't see him.


I am working - thank goodness. My poor boss. Liked me enough that he has been waiting for the return of "nancy" well nancy is back, but she is still the dog licking her wounds.


The big house sold in 8 days - I had 2 offers- I chose the family with kids.. the remodeling of the new house is taking forever.... But hurrying a contractor is like - sending that steak back.


So for now my sister and I live in my daughters basement- good thing it is a nice basement..lol


My sister moved here from CO to be here for me. She picks up the slack, sees dan if I can't. plays grandma- although Weston is not being for good about it.. He has become attached to mom and dad. Cause this grandma ( me) lost her mind a year ago or so. and I lost the special connection I had with him.


So that is my life in a nutshell ( pun intended). I will continue with my medication and therapy. And although I wish I could kept caring for Dan at home - I can't. And to be honest, I don't want to anymore. The price that was paid was to great. The nursing home is where he needs to be... sad but true and of course he still goes for outings - of which instead of the old tantrums while out, he actually appreciates. He has been very appreciative. Which makes me feel guilty. And so the dog chases her tail... Some day - I might catch it...lol.


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Well Nancy I understand the situation and I once thought about me being in a home but I kept talking to God and it seems to me now this is the only home I need, my own home and wife here with me...


I'm glad Dan is doing good, and you are too so happy trails as I try to get myself a bit better in the coming months as time continues to go by day after day.....


We are all thankful we are still here as time continues to pass us by and getting better is my goal physically......

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Thank you for checking in honey. You know I think of you and pray every single day. Sort through one problem at a time and rest as best you can. Love you

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I am so glad that you finally got care.   I can only imagine the price that you paid.  You actually paid a huge price in taking care of Dan.  I fortunately have a caregiver to help me and I do have a job to escape to.  Please take care of yourself.   You have a ways to go to get completely healed.  I know how hard it is to visit the nursing home.  I pray that you are able to reconcile what has happened.  Please take care of yourself.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  You did more than most.  You don't give yourself enough credit.  I am glad to hear that your house sold so quickly.

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I went to my weekly appt. with the psychologist yesterday . we both don't feel I have leveled out with my moods. I can be happy and bubbly one day and sad the next. One problem I have encountered in the land of no doctors, is all the prescribers PNP are young, young. She said i should see a psychiatrist ideally but that is a 3 month wait - minimum. so she referred me to a older PNP, who has a lot of psyc. experience and she is my age or older. Not that a younger person has no value, i want someone that has circled the block a few times. when i was taking the psychotropic drug i had a seizure and she had no idea that could be a side effect of that class of meds. So I am gonna give the neighboring gal  a try. My boss is out for a week, so my strength of stress is being challenged a bit. Bnut work stress is different than Dan stress.

I am trying to leave my emotions at the nursing home. I am trying to "block" dan out when I am not at the nursing home. So cry there and leave it there.

And Dan has a blood infection that has lingered for a week now. Antibiotics are not taking care of it. So we believe his port is infected. Weird I have dan 2 years actively using the port - and dan gets this infection when they flushed it. So we are having the port removed. and then  big gun antibiotic infused for 4 days. And Dan is in control, as he should be, of his own eating and drinking. So it might be challenging or it might to be. Lucky me has a wisdom tooth that is trouble. I need a oral surgeon for it - it is growing side ways into my other teeth. and is laying on some nerve that could paralyze my face on that side. Of course it is complicated, what other way could it possible be, right... ?? Some people call me amazing - others call me crazy- but me, I call it life, my life. And this is the hand I have been dealt - more than most -not as much as some... it is what it is. 

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One of the complicating factors for Bill was that he was bipolar. Stroke does not remove that illness. I used to be able to tell when he was not feeling well - he would sit and rock back and forth. He would answer that he wasn't feeling well, but he couldn't identify exactly what the problem was. It was complicated to deal with bipolar disease with a stroke survivor whose issues were as severe as his.


As you so aptly said, "it is what it is". I went through lots of guilt when Bill went into the VA nursing facility. After all, I had promised him I would keep him home - but I had added "as long as I can". I just wanted it to be longer. The problem is, he got sicker and I got older.


I'm hoping you will get the medication you require in order to feel exactly like your former self very soon Nancy. As you know, it is many times trial and error in finding the best meds to control moods.


Take care dear lady!



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so the nurses (i can not spell it and my spellcheck is acting dumb right now) the one who's specialty in putting you to sleep during surgery. could not get a pic line into dan so they left the port in. Dan and I go to fargo to see interventional neurologist to have them make the attempt , if they get it in the plan is to take the port out as mentioned in my last blog. in the clinic?? well we will see... not happy about the clinic part. nor am i happy about the pic line he already has been poked several times. But the infection needs to be remedied and pushing a IV through a infected port is not a good idea, but the only bandaid for now. I am up early again- arghhh. but do sleep from about 10 to 4 or 5 in the morning...I have had a productive week at work. finally. but ying and yang....dan is sick i am getting back my sanity on little bit at a time. But have promised my self to leave the sadness in the nursing home, and that seems to work for now, dan has to see me cry but i have to leave it ( the thought of our loss) at the door when I leave. Carrying it kills me almost literally .I have received a lot of support on this web site. without it , my life would be much harder. One can try to fix the unfixable - but the unfixable is just that- unfixable...... Nancyl

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Nancy you shouldn't feel guilty for giving Dan the opportunity to feel gratitude for something someone does for him.   Being a tyrant is a hard place to live, you have set him free of the bad road he was going down, and allowed him to look up and see he DOES have things to be thankful for.  Before, he was so bent on making others pay, no matter how hard you tried, that he didn't have the luxury to enjoy anything.   Once one starts on a road of persecuting others and 'making them pay' it is no place for you, and no, not even them.   They are trapped in their own angry misery.   Dan is finally free of the position of power he had thought he wanted, and now can actually enjoy things again.   I'm very happy to hear that.  Both you and Dan are benefiting from this new freedom from the power struggle that was going on.


I'm always glad to hear you are doing better.   Little by little, girlfriend!  

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