It has been a month since I left lost my home of 15 years. On a positive note, the place needed a cleaning so a move was needed. I parted with things that were "my precious" and painful. The saying is so true that be it ever so humble,there is no place like home. I miss my castle in my eyes.

It help to talk about it. Forget living in the moment for a minute.

I have an angel of a roommate right now. We immediately hit it off with things in common. We shared memories,losses, and she pointed out we grieve similar things. It seems each day we talk about ourselves,share,in a therapy not possible in any other arena. When she says me too I am not ashamed,not invisible. I know she feels the same so I have a purpose now.to listen. We are sharing experiences now.what a great gift. We have more in common than illness.

I have my pain pills on routine now so they wake me to take them. ***One thing I know about my pain is that when I wake up, the pain intensifies as time goes by. I hurt at max between wak up and up to 30 min. And now that I take it around the clock on time,there is no wearing off,waiting for pill to kick in. Everyone sees the difference in my disposition from having good pain management.

Ok everyone sing "At last..."

So my angel roommate, wheeled down the hall to get the med nurse, when she knew it was over the time for my next pill. I was overcome with gratitude because she rarely leaves the room, has a manual chair she walks with her feet. I joked I am a monster so she must avoid a late pain pill,but she has been watching over me and taking care of little things by advocating for me. This is huge because she hesitates to bother anyone on her own behalf. So I advocate for a grilled cheese for her when she hates lunch and doesnt like to bother anyone. I am a constant bother,so why stop.

It is the small things too that make me feel less invisible,along with the big thing like pain relief.

I use my water pitcher to make iced tea bedside. Just dump hot sweetened cup of tea with 2 tea bags into the pitcher of lots of ice and a little water. Yay. A huge mug of iced tea to sip is nicer than water.

I am spoiled by some cnas now. I know when some are working,I will get perks like hot tea before trays arrive, a stash of linens even if it isnt shower day, a late nite ppj without even asking just put on my table while i slept, a lunch tray ordered early like my roommate,A hot or cold wash cloth offered at the right time,And those things little personal touches that scream: you matter. I see you. I accept you.

These little thing blot out the other times when I was feeling invisible,inconvevient,overlooked,insignificient.

But I also need to give back,pay it forward too. My roomie said she has been scolded for getting into people's business. I said she had permission and gratitude.then we lsughed that some staff just wanted to get away with things assuming no one sees it. Sometimes it is unintentional,like the med nurse that only brought half my meds to me at breakfast and roomie warned me she was flakehead.

I say hello to everyone. I believe even those who do not talk or have obvious dementia, deserve,need,and understand on some level what eye contact with a hello conveys. I dislike it when staff comes in,fails to look at me,calls me mama. One 95 yr old told a staff: I am not your mama,so dont call me that. Call me by my name!

I love the cna who calls me "madame."

I am talking about pooping all the time in public too. I was at bingo and the cna came up and asked if I had had a BM yesterday. I felt my face turn red but thought whatever, and then admitted to it with as much enthusiasm as an AA speaker. I confess. I didvit. And I'll do it again.

I havent talked about poop so much since I had infants.

There are times I want to not be so visible.

Wow,i now sit up in bed without make up, with my grey sprouting, eyebrows growing unchecked, and dare I say I am as braless as a hippie in national geographic,but i do wear my fav costume ring, And I WAVE to people scooting down the hall and strike up a conversation. I walk daily too and chat with people sitting. Just sitting there.where are they?Somewhere happier.

We all want to be seen.