I sat a center table near the big screen one day talking to a man on the couch,when 3 men pulled up in wheelchairs and said the table was reserved for them. I said may I join you but they made it clear it was a no. I mobed to a window seat. I did not go back to the dining room because being served in a room reeking of urine was preferable to reliving high school seating fun.

Well my med made me restless. I went walking and visiting. I ate lunch and dinner in the dining room celebrating I could walk there at last. Well my protector was sitting at the prestige table all alone and asked me to join him. Those men were at another table..talking smack and yet not confronting a big black man even without his legs. I sat down deliciously enjoying the AC vent above and no speaker squeeking bad tunes. A line of chairs separated the wheat from the chaff. Other friends joined us. It was lovely. Every now and then protector would tell them it was not their table and it belongs to all residents. Later protector got me watching the big screen to see my shows. There were a couple of men watching Masterpiece Theater. One kept saying he was at the high school and had to Get to class.

Then in the morning Roomie stunk up the stale aired room so I walked to the lobby,took the key reserved for visitors only,and freshened up in a sweet cherry scented room. I thought of bringing the Scent thing to my room but I was told it was not allowed before. Then I went and sat at the prized table to have a coffee and watch Tv with another woman sitting on a couch eating a cuponoodles. The nice man who watched tv with me sat with me for breakfast.

After breakfast I sat there making phone calls for insurance problems and dr appts. Then a woman from bingo came in and we played uno as I taught her. The activities director brought us cards.

Then the kitchen staff told me to move. She rolled the man away. I said no I an staying put. Then they set up tables for those men and one wife. Right next to me. Then served them while cna came and told me to move. I said no. They took away the second table my friend was at. She said tough *beep* that those men wanted us to move but cant be understood well. Then I told the men they were awful and dang it i cried saying how can you do this to me. I said to get the director. The social worker came ashing if i had issue with the men. I said no i have issue with staff. Then I went to director office to talk. More tears but I told it. She said ok go back and walked me there. I saw the table cleared bare. My coffee gone and friend gone. One empty table covered with a cloth. It was too much. I sobbed from my soul saying it is all gone. You took it all away. The dishes,friends,dignity,respect,belonging,fun,my identity,me,injured,violated,control and choice taken. I could not go eat a meal sitting alone next to the tables set up for those angry men. I broke down. My spirit left. I said you all win. It is all yours. Enjoy it. But I heaved it out in sobs. All eyes of the dining room on me. Then I walked faster than ever sobbing blinded by anguish so deep dizzy but determined. Staff saying lying what is wrong. Really.

I stopped hugging a woman who was kind to me. Told story. She said go to room and eat. I stopped at nurse begging for pain pill for my leg. She thought I wanted anxiety pill. I told staring cpas to get away and nurse took me to room while I gave in to emotion pain anger loss fear invisibility. The nurse said you know how men are. Dont let this take ahold of you. I let go. Drained.

A spectacle in a cage as I screamed inside and politely asked for privacy. Must the breaking of a soul be stared upon with cold curious eyes.

For the next hours questioned,Management damage control. Staff excuses reasons blurry meaningless petty. No reason ever good enough for why because no remorse. Discrimination in a veiled form lingering in my vertigo. They ask what can they do to make it right.

Then the offending cna brings a food tray to Roomie. I let reason dissolve and yell directing blame, and showing my ripped out heart. I scream do not let her near me. I accuse her recalling her face eyes as she told me to move immediately. She mouths off. Wawawawawa. I lose myself in a watershed.

Time for bingo a voice sweetly announces. Kidding right. I am a carcass picked by vultures for hours. I refuse lunch dinner and eat milk and cookies I earned at bingo.

I told Them I need to think process talk to others for advice. Talk to who said with now interested eyes. Now I might be a nuisance. They have meetings. They ponder over my response. Why did I not follow orders,be "nice" ???

They say go to dinner. I say it will never be safe in there again. They say that is my choice. Now they offer me choice to return to the scene. All in order now. I ask if the men have been restored to their table ? They ask dont I like a nice window seat.

I am now back in my cell with a dying woman wasting like a gypsy curse. The urine drenched woman consoles me like a friend. I despise her smell,her dialogue that replays on loop as she directs her diaper changes like a script. She claims she is always dry.

I am in a mad house. I beg for release.

Bossy nurse reports I have prescription face creams,solutions so head nurse comes to collect them but says they got a doctor order so I can keep them. They will bring a locked box in the morning.

The Dept of Health is coming to talk to me. They need to cross the t's now. I need to wwait and consult before I make any official statements. I need to get an advocate.

I ask them to let me rest. They want my bp tested. I am in a drained shell now. M leg ignores any pain meds and reflects the pain in my soul with a physical pain to match. I wish to close my eyes now. Drift to oblivion where I do not recall this me that clung to Bossy nurse when she said she was truly sorry to see me cry.

Why is everyone bewildered to witness the real response to discrimination and bullying?

Shame on those silencing me with their PR crap. I want out of here I said. How can they talk about how there will be no retaliation when their lies and denials are already the beginning of my punishment. My break down is proof I am unstable,not a woman engulfed by a brain damaged by a stroke.

They have always been immune. We are room numbers. Occasionally we are bodies to be collected or personalities to deal with.

Roomie watches another rerun. I decline to share in the joy of watching Sister Act for the umteenth time since I have been confined to her world. She tells me I do not like anything or anyone. Later she thanks me for letting her watch it without turning on my tv,which sits six inches away from hers.

She never lets anything interfere with tv.

I upset the universe here with a minor ripple. The wheels turn on.

I sleep then awakened by nightmare that is about my time here. I was ill prepared for this place,this replica of Zimbardo. The Irish in me cannot Heed the friend who struggled to get out the words No Fighting.

But my fight was with card games, conversations with those poorly understood,and &elping my neighbors. Why am I broadsided by people who say they never expected I would get so upset. Really?

Has not anyone here heard of Rosa Parks?

Apparently not since management still came in and said they had to come up with a plan for seating in the dining room. All Rosa needed was more buses to alleviate overcrowding?

A friend kindly wisely invited me to dine with her at her table. She said forget it,let it go. Come play cards.

I could not. I needed to sob more,relive it in the retelling. Tormenting myself with the zeal of insisting I am not an untouchable. Reach out to my tormentors for them to bare witness. Not about a table. They are clueless?

I feel violated,yes abused. Intentionally. And now I will suffer involuntary isolation as a result of this trauma. They say no one intentionally upset me,no one insisted I move they requested, people were finished at my table,not moved against their will. They say the dining hall is first come,not bullying,but accommodations. The men in big wheel chairs can only sit right in that secluded spot away from the rest of the diners. No exceptions to first comers intruding highjacking their turf.

The staff protected Who?

Now I will not play nice.

My fallen trees are fuel.

This is not nothing. This is not all a misunderstanding.This is not forgiven nor forgotten. This is not over.

I am alone. No staff or resident stands with me or for me.

I said to the heads of the brainless that I blamed management that the cna's and kitchen staff believed they could get away with treating me this way and would be supported in denials and lies. I made it clear I would regroup and Seek support elsewhere outside when I talked to the social worker. Wolf in goat skin. Reeking. They almost have me convinced to doubt myself.

Thank heavens for my cell phone. The computer in the dining room does not work. I used the social worker' laptop for asking for a medical review for the hand splint.

They say a sign of being crazy is denying you are.