I'm still in a fog about having a stroke.  I know I had one, just can't believe it happened.  Some of my difficulties after the stroke I had forgotten about.  I only remembered when something jarred my memory.  I told myself I was going through a grieving process, but I didn't say it out loud because I never heard anyone else say it.  Glad you said it. I do feel as if something had died inside of me and it wasn't something that was bad.  It's just now gone and I am looking to find if I can get it back.

Sometimes I feel like I have survivor's remorse.  After a minor and mini stroke I am still working full time and look as if I didn't have one. But what does having a stroke look like?  Outside I am ok.  Inside I am all messed up.  My brain has to remember I have a left arm and leg. My balance is off.  I keep getting other health issues. My face hurts from time to time.  I'm always cold.  I need help and support but other people around me need something.  I feel like saying sorry to be selfish, but I need you to listen/help me and I am not sure when I can be there for you.  I never felt this "needy" before.  If I could go home and have my parents take care of me I would, but I probably would stay that way for the rest of my life.  

Before my strokes I thought I had an idea of what I wanted to do in life.  Now I am just kind of sitting here thinking about what's next.  My life before the stroke wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst either.  It was just my life. 

I believe sometimes you have to be selfish , especially after a stroke. 

Ya know you are fortunate to not remember. I remember .................It's hard to explain.................bad headache, emptiness, confusion. lost...............I couldn't find my right arm. It was there, I could see it, I cradled it with my left hand, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't speak, I could hear my husband asking me "whats wrong"?, but I could only look at him. 

Now I can remember years past, but not so much yesterday. 

I'm so sorry you lost so much memory. I have years Ago and you have years ToGo. if that makes sense.

SweetMom

True, but it's hard for me to be selfish and not feel guilt.  Sometimes I feel guilty if I think I am talking about it to much.  It's like part of my mind is saying "get over it".

I believe sometimes you have to be selfish , especially after a stroke. 

I read somewhere that the brain does not tell the difference between a real memory and a photograph we have looked at over and over. Plus "real memories" are edited,rewritten,rearranged,according to what we need them to be,like pieces of broken glass that reveals a new shine in each sun, they are a puzzle trimmed to fit together.

So we all suffer from wondering if we dreamed it or lived it,or was told it,or was there. False memories are common,they happen,memories are fragile,fluid,dynamic,changing when we are not looking.

So much research has been done on memory because we all yearn to understand what is real reality. It is interesting reading.

For me the stroke stands out i my mind and I am more confident in my story with each retelling even though it may not be matching in details to the stories of others.

I have been struggling with how to best answer your question, especially since I was shut down on here previously for being too negative. There are many comments on these forums regarding a "new normal" or a "new me." I have learned that we, as "survivors," have varying viewpoints and perspectives and I feel strongly that these should all be considered acceptable and free from criticism. Contrary to some of the opinions of others about themselves, I am the same person I was before. I was and am, for better or worse, stubborn, smart, controlling, independent, introverted, strong and proud. Those are not necessarily the best traits for adapting to post-stroke life. Sometimes I envy those who can create and be content with a "new normal." For me, that pride and stubborn independence get in the way. They are likely the basis of my frustration and despondency about no longer being able to meet my own too-high expectations.  I have been this person for 67 years, and good or bad, it is part of the essence of who I am, and is not something I am able to readily abandon. Sometimes it reaches the point where I just don't want to go on this way. My pride is injured when I limp or stumble. I burst into tears easily and find that embarrassing. I need to deal with depression but my pride keeps telling me I should be able to just pick myself up and carry on. I have worked incredibly hard at PT and OT but now the CPS is limiting that. And so on.

If I had to choose one word to describe how I feel since my stroke it would be "diminished." Unlike some others, I not only have my memory of the past, I also clearly remember the details from when I had the stroke and that even then I was trying to control the situation: "Go to the TSA person and tell them to call for medical assistance," "get two aspirin out of my bag," "the insurance cards are in my wallet right behind the credit card," and even "No, I do not think I am having a heart attack; IT IS A STROKE!"

So Smitty, I hope this helps your understanding at least a little. I feel diminished.

Carol

Kelli I read your post with much interest and wanted to give you the best answer I can. FOr me I remember before, I remember the stroke, and I remember everything but maybe one week after. I know one thing I took a lot of things for granted and never in a million years did I think that those things could be taken away or changed (touched even). I've had ADD for a very long time so I was used to being scatter brained and forgetful. I also had mood changes before and sometimes had a lot of energy and sometimes had very little. I do know I was busy...working 8 hours a day on my feet. Money issues and stress. At times I have had depression. But I was the smiler...the lady that made you smile as well. Doing that gave me energy. I was too busy a lot of times to enjoy the little things around me. Even the weather, trees, animals, socializing (I was tired), a bed, my car. I just went through a lot of life just making it and a lot got lost during. I loved music and dancing! I was humorous at times, I loved holidays, liked to have a cocktail every once in a while. My daughter and I would have dancing nights. Yes this well 40-43 at the time twerked and booty clapped I had rhythm, and pretty good movement that was smooth and undulating. I felt that I could voice what I needed to and not afraid. I felt like I understood usually what others were trying to tell me, or how my relationships with other people were. (This includes family) This was before the stroke. Things made sense to me even when I was neglectful of small details. Now I feel frustrated a lot. I do feel like I should be able to ____. It makes me sad when I remember what I used to could do and now I can't or not as well. I have said that I feel like I'm on a different plane than others. I get confused and sometimes I don't even know I am. I feel alone a lot even when people are beside me. Time is harder for me. I need more now to do what I used to. My body doesn't move fluidly, I don't like loud music and I just don't enjoy it as much. I do what I call a stroke dance when I feel a beat and my body wants to move...no more twerking, booty clapping, or tootsie rolling. My body will not do them. I am very quiet now, subdued. This is different than before. I sometimes stutter when I try to say things especially if I am talking to someone I love and it's important. Because I am afraid. I'm not really sure what I am afraid of really. I waddle (ataxia) and it looks weird and I wonder if I look weird doing it. I have real trouble making a plan and carrying it out. I feel I disappoint others sometimes;but, I also feel blessed in a way I had never before. I feel so happy to see the sun, I feel like a child when I see my parents, I see the trees and they are beautiful. I notice the wind when it blows the leaves. I watch other animals in awe sometimes. I feel accomplished by smaller things. I love my bed! I want to learn more about me instead of customer service...me service. I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. I am slower and life is slower than once before. I feel so blesses that I can drive a car and that I have one to drive. I feel proud of the new things I have learned. It's just a combination of things. To me there is no clear answer. I feel different but the same. I still say it is like I am me but the world is different...it's a different plane. The rules are not exactly what they used to be but mostly they are the same. I hope that any of this makes sense. 

I literally started to cry reading that. That is so many of my emotions put into words and I haven't figured out to say it them all.

 I,to, feel like I was to busy to see the smaller things like my children. Growing up and I was busy.My youngest son has an incredible bond with his father and I feel like I drew them together for I was always working.

Two jobs. Guilty