I was sick all last week with a chest infection. It really took away my energy and I spent a lot of the time watching the Paralympics. Thank goodness this year's programming gave me a lot of options to watch so I saw a variety of sports. It certainly was inspiring to watch people who were struggling to just walk who were running, jumping, rowing, throwing the discus etc. I have to say I have great admiration for those who overcame great odds to be the best in their chosen sport. It certainly raises questions about what we who have been able bodied all our lives have done with our abilities.

I just spent two days with my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren who live just an hour and a half north of me. I went up on the 19th, which was the fourth year anniversary of Ray's death, a sad day for me, and stayed overnight with them. Then on Tuesday I went to my grand daughter's concert. She is twelve and in the last year of Primary School, High School for her next year (our school year ends in December with school starting again in February). As she moved in January she was afraid she would miss out on the school concert but this school managed to get most of their 800 students on the stage in a concert that lasted 2 and a half hours. It was the 125th anniversary of the school's founding and they made it a huge celebration.

I have never seen such an assortment of fairies, aliens and fantasy creatures. The costumes were wonderful and showed great imagination, and the music they performed to was mostly modern Pop songs played very loud and the kids danced and sang and laughed and had great fun. There were six performances in all, three day performances and three evening ones, so I am betting the school is empty on Thursday with parents giving up on trying to wake tired children. It was great to be there. I am making up now for all the times I was unable to be with the grandkids when I was caring for Ray. We did manage to go to wherever Shirley and Craig were posted at least a couple of times a year but that is not the same as being there for them as a grandparent on a regular basis. I am able to do that now.

Today I finalised my bookings to meet Sarah Rademacher in Hawaii in February. Sarah and I have talked on Strokenet and Facebook since 2005 and promised each other in our bad times that one day we would meet in Hawaii, so that is finally going to happen. Sarah will be the third person from Strokenet I have met in person as I hosted Babsz and her husband (Barbara and Eddie King from Oklahoma City) when they came on a cruise to Australia some years ago, met up with Ann Rogers last year in Norfolk, England at her son's wedding and next year I will meet Sarah. For someone who lives right across the other side of the Pacific from the USA I think I have done really well. Maybe one day we will meet eh?

Life goes on day by day for me. Some days are better than others. Being a widow means I am lonely sometimes despite the friends I have. I would give anything for life to be like it was before Ray got sick etc but I know that losing Ray was the worst thing that ever happened to me, that he is irreplaceable and anyone else who comes into my life will not be the same. I do have the company of the man friend I go out with on Wednesdays but that is a different situation. We are both in our sixties, we are not young and energetic, we are not setting up house together or looking for permanence, we are simply going out together. That is fine and dandy but it will never replace the relationship that I had with Ray.

Life is good most days and I try for an attitude of gratitude. I am so much better off than a lot of people, I know that. I have so many wonderful memories and so many wonderful friends and acquaintances. I have a family who try to keep in touch and people apart from them who care for me. There are just some times it doesn't feel like that. And that is when I go out in the garden and pull up weeds or go for a walk or do something to distract me from those gloomy thoughts. I know to feel like that is just natural around the anniversary dates and everyone has periods of sadness in their lives so I have to just go on, one foot in front of the other.

I hope my time on here has been useful to people. I have loved being a part of this Blog Community and counting as friends people I have met on Strokenet. I don't know what I would have done without some of the advice and encouragement I have had here and have tried to give it back in the same way. I feel as if I know a lot of you, as if we are neighbours and friends and when the going is tough you are right there. And that has certainly continued through my widowhood. I guess because I have been a caregiver and lived with a stoke survivor that situation somehow outlasts death as it has in my other groups. And that is one of the greatest blessings I count as mine.

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