It's raining.  It has been raining for about ten days now.  I know this has to happen if we are to live in a beautiful green world but day after day of rain makes me blue. It isn't cold rain, as we are on the end of what has been a hot summer we still have a lot of humidity so it is gray, rainy and warm and humid at the same time so I don't have a lot of energy for clearing up the inside of the house and am short on time when it is not raining to do the garden tidy up I need to do. There are so many wet,decaying leaves lying on the driveways and footpaths that taking a walk is a bit of a hazard too so I am spending far too much time inside.  I have already cleaned out some of my messier drawers so I guess doing a general tidy up inside is what I need to do.  I find that boring when I look out and would much rather be outside in the garden.

Rain blights my social life too, on Tuesday I went to a morning tea and for the first hour was the only person there as it  is outside in a nice spot but not a lot of protection from the weather.  Normally at this time of the year we would be basking in the last of the warm days and enjoying the autumn tones. I depend on my groups that I belong to for my social life now. My kids keep in contact but not as often as I would like them to and I dropped out of a lot of couples' worlds when I became a widow, that just seems to be the way life works. I could join a lot more organisations and do more charity work but I am trying to balance life out more.  I love what I do in the church and my Lions Club but I know I spend too much time with the sick and old in our community and I really need some activities that are positive and make me feel good now. Because of the rain I have not seen my usual "widow buddies" at the shops as they are not coming out because of the rain so that is isolating too.

I know when winter comes I will spend more time alone.  I managed okay last winter as we had a lot of dry and sunny days and I was going out with my man friend once a week, since that ended I have felt lonelier I suppose and as usual my peer group are packing their caravans and RVs and travelling north following the sun. I do have a lot of people I can sit with and chat and have coffee with when I see them but they are not the kind of people who are going to phone me or drop by and stay for a while so I have to go out to see them.  We live in a place where that is the lifestyle.  So a day at home means I see no-one.  It might soon be time for me to find a retirement community I think I would be comfortable in, so I have people around me again.  I miss Ray,  I miss the life we had before and after the first stroke.  I don't miss what happened in the last couple of years of his life, those were the hard years for both of us.  Now I have freedom but it comes with loneliness and a kind of disconnect that was quite unexpected.

I need to go out and get a pile of books and a basket full of old movies so I can relax and enjoy what is ahead for me.  Not that any of us know what is ahead, who would have thought I would go to Hawaii for instance?  My phone and computer had problems from January on but now I have a new provider and a quicker service and hopefully things will be easier.  I will be on the board more again and once I have a handle on this new system should be back as Blog Moderator etc.  How about updating your blog for me so I have something to comment on? I managed to update my own computer system with the help of a Support Person so am proud of myself for doing that.  When I had sons close by they would have done it for me but now they are all too far away to help me out.  I know I have to be independent but it is a struggle sometimes as it is for all of us who live alone whatever the circumstances. It is hard to be alone in so many ways. I still find it hard to watch couples walking hand in hand and someone at my table asking their spouse would they like coffee and going off and getting it for them.

My old house needs a lot of maintenance to keep it going and I have found another handyman who will do some of the smaller jobs for me, replacing light switches,rehanging cupboard doors that need adjusting that kind of thing, then I need a tradesman to do the bigger jobs. I know it is likely the person who buys this house when I sell will have it bulldozed as the land, one street over from the beach and protected by the shape of the hill behind from the worst of the winds is valuable in itself so the house will either be renovated or removed and a new house built.  I have been happy to stay on here but it needs a lot of repairing and updating and do I want to do that or move?  I just don't know.  The handyman did say it is a sixties house which it is, maybe I am still a sixties person at heart? All the time I feel comfortable here I will stay here.

I know people must be sick of me saying I need to make some changes and then doing nothing about it.  The truth is since Ray died I have never really known what I want my life to be like.  I wanted to be one of those old ladies who shared her life with her old husband till they were both in their eighties or nineties, I never envisioned myself as a widow. I do speak to other widows about this and they tell me what they are doing.  Some are spending their lives travelling or cruising or catching up with overseas friends, well I at least did that didn't I?  Now I don't know what to do next.  Going with the flow and seeing what life brings works for me in a way but it is too much like the decisions I don't make could be the ones I should make.  I'm wondering if I should get some more counselling to crystallize some sort of vision for the future now.