I guess I do not know much about living just today but at dinner as I sat in the dining room eating with some residents and one caregiver of one resident who has become a friend....I looked around and realized I have been here comfortable with the fact I am in the middle of a place in which so many personalities dwell in their own story lines as staff or patient and I belong....maybe not my choosing...but I felt warm fuzzy love for my companions in the room. I have been away dining in my room with roommate watching shows or just recovering from the sinus infection that drained the life out of me with that impacted sinuses business. I binged on netflix and colored. My feeling of accomplishing is there for small things including keeping on here as much as I can.

My caregiver friend and I have exchanged family stories girl confidences and  life stories with goal dissappointments and brag moments. I have been authentic transparent real waiting to see if I am accepted or maybe rejected. It has been a while since I made friends. And she is from the outside real world Normal. I envy her reality yet crave looking in her world or enjoying her company laughing over stories. We are our stories. We have a gift to share them with others get feedback. of course feel precious valued now just for existing just today. just today. that is all there is.NoW. But NoW is a combination of past. All those Me's intertwined. I tell about clothes I have had now long gone. That is part of my survivor's tale. Kinda shallow one may say yet Recall those sisterhood of the traveling pants stories. my jeans never changed hands but they went out in the world on me to adventures that are mine. And that interview suit that sometimes worked out good. My around the house things. My clothes are part of my memory story even if they are now passed around recycled in second hand shops until joining a landfill. Those date night things bride to be or bride that was then mom to be and now woman that was. Now I have Here Clothes. We have a Cozy sweater or New scarf that brags our style or color or gift from or past life. Maybe a now thing. For me I have a wide brimmed hat like one I found in glamour magazine then found in summer resort destination shop suprisingly not over priced and perfect for my vestibular problem riddled life...

Lets talk that now. My floppy tan bisquit bigbigbig brimmed hat along with any scarf to nuzzle into or block out the world around me enables me to visit the real world life I cannot rside in fully present functioning. I get dizzy light headed spinning rolling nauseaus paining feelings when lights seem to bright or patterns on rugs are there or store shelves close in or driving gets me in quick moving scenes or people zoom around me or any sensory stuff I encounter and crave becomes too too and then too much. Can any Normal imagine? I explain this to my new friend the caregiver who has not taken care of someone with vestibular stuff. She looks empathetic yet confused. I explain I am like autistic with visual problems touch pain and phobia and a need to escape alone to darkened room alone quiet with my movie place I can toddle around in Yet I want to visit malls and the beach bathed in bright lights places filled with strangers to watch and meet.

Hello world of me in it as seen through my caregiver friend. She sat next to me with her Lady an owner of successful Theater downtown in my city. I am in awe that I am at the same nursing home even with this celebrity. And dine at her table by her invitation. She is outspoken in her quiet voice my caregiver friend warns. I look at this woman who carries herself with beauty and I think oh brother! In fact she comments that her caregivers could fix my hair for me or that my hair looks nice on any given day.  She once mentioned to my caregiver friend in front of me that if I knew what a difference some make up applied on me made then I would never be without it! I assured her I knew mascara makes my lashes reappear and lip gloss highlights my mouth that fades into my washed out coloring that baked eye shadow and or light bronzer fixes me up. My celebrity friend is always in make up and a comfy shawl with a piece of jewelery and styled hair even in her 90s. I google her. Her slight dementia has not robbed her of grace and charm but she is confused and wants to thank the owner of the cafe we sit enjoying a meal. And a compliment on my appearance makes my heart sing. When she told me to sit down with her despite the musician of the day telling me she wants to dine alone with him...well I felt belonging. I sat up straighter. I was thinking of every manner I ever learned and I did not tell that performer the real reason he had not met me before is that I close my door on his visit days. Or that caregiver friend and I marvel and giggle over her question to me is he good enuf to be professional? But I also feel surreal. Am I sitting at their table here in the sme dining room where those men said to me get off of our table reserved for us. Remember my posting of that? Then see me at the side of a powerful beauty remembered for building a theater up theatrical empire matriarch of huge family on stage and in her multiple mansions. Her stories from a mind riddled with some soft dementia both inspire and delight. I nobody ugly duckling never assigned to sit at her table by the staff here yet I am personally invited by warm blue eyes and pretty smile that never would lay eyes on me In our respective in real life orbiting circles. Even now no one notices she accepts me advises me offers assistance to me and even compliments me and says she wore a platinum rose bloom ring like mine. I admit to her mine is stainless steel bought from Amazon. And it does not matter.

So today both my celebrity friend and caregiver friend sat at the table. Hey this is My Table and the cna my friend was serving and said pam you get the first plate. well I was sitting right next to kitchen.

So caregiver friend asked me to do her make up sometime. imagine she wants me to teach her tricks when she doe Lady make up. wow.my daughter taught me latest. oh well remember the 80s 90s and then all the looks. I loved theater dance make up kids did I did. fun. now I lazy. fight psoriasis face so when Lady complimented my complexion I immediately thought of the bag full of medicated face creams.  Now hidden here I finally have my skin great. funny. I said I see one eye at a time so if one is closed when I do make up do not worry. But we want to feel pretty even to last minute right on.

All distractions yet bonding sharing loving.

food and make up brings us together even in a nursing home no matter where we are from.