nancyl

A blog by nancyl in General

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alone

nancyl

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I haven't been able to be alone for a very long time. This weekend I have been. No one here. It is nice, not only the freedom of it, but the fact I can do it. For so long being at home alone was something I just made sure never happened. Not on a conscience level, but sub consciencely. I have a little anxiety this morning, but thats only because i have "thought " about it.

Dan is doing as well as Dan can do. Good days, Bad days the same cycle repeats itself. Trying hard to just hang on and enjoy the good and walk away from the bad. But on average I leave the nursing home - which i visit usually x2 daily- crying about 2 days a week. last week was his birthday, baked him a homemade red velvet cake. That cake is a lot of work. The kids took it to him along with his birthday gift. A fluffy "cheatah blanket". I was home sicker than a dog with this darn flu/cold. He was mad it wasn't me, so he kicked the kids out, along with the cake and his present. Mind you earlier he had ny sister come to his room and ask to take him to one of my daughters home for his birthday. He refused - i think he thought I would come, I couldn't ,i just ached to much. 

I came the next day and he does the dismissive thing flipping his hand in the - go away fashion- the," get out of my sight." I have had that happen to me so much, one would think I would become immune  from that distain he displays. But Im not. I still care enough to cry. 

I have found I can concentrate much better. At work I am finally a asset instead of a hinderance. It was awful, in the height of my depression- i had no ability to remember, my eyes couldn't see and focus. and my hearing was muffled . My stomach had that awful fight or flight feeling. Those were my primary problems, with a whole host of more minor complaints. You know on Facebook some little saying will come up with a clever way of saying, all that has happened to me has made me stronger. I say thats a lot of B**lSh*t. If it ( depression) didn't kill you, your just damn lucky. Luckier still if you can find a treatment that works. Well thats my brilliance , haha for today.... 

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SassyBetsy

Sorry this happened to you. You have survived again! Yes depression is a creature. I am glad you escaped. Be well. enjoy your solitude.

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swilkinson

Nancy, you have always battled on. I know the leaving crying thing, I did that a lot of the time.  And the hand wave that says :  "go away".  I know sometimes it has all been too hard for you and as a person who cared for three people for a short time, then two for a couple of years and then just one 24/7 I sure know that feeling well.  But now it is my time and I have to be thankful for that.  Enjoy any free day you have, and maybe don't visit for a whole weekend if you know someone else will visit and give that as a present to yourself. I know saying "be well" is probably not a lot of use so I will send ((((hugs))) instead.

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HostAsha

Nancy :

 

you are fighter & survivor. I know it hurts when survivor is so rude to you, but think of frustration level of him that that rude behavior comes out. yes agreed being survivor does not give you pass for rude behavior to any one.

 

Asha

 

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englishlady

Nancy , you are a fighter, and  you are a kind caring Person.  When my first husband was rude to me, which was every day, I  drop my head, and just feel so small.  I read a great book " Love must be tough", written by Dr. Dodson , which said that if you allow the Person to treat you bad, that is what you are going to get, be treated rotten.   Yes he had a stroke, but that does not give him the right to be so rude to you.  Nancy, hold your head up high, you are a Gladiator!

 

God Bless

 

Yvonne

 

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nancyl

Im gonna check that book out. Thank You all for your kindness, I know many have thought of my while I was so affected by the beast--- "Depression"-- the beast still lurks. But I am overcoming. 

 

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nancyl

Letting go. Letting go and accepting so important. Still struggle with it. It is clearly a important part of MY recovery. Accepting that I get that - jolted feeling often, but not continuously -like it used to be. Accepting my hearing and my vision are better, but still affected by the depression. I finally feel more normal most days rather than abnormal all day everyday. Talk about getting inside your own head. LOL--- Work is good, Life is busy, Dan is Dan. Dan got a sleepover at his daughter Aprils last night. Sad that such a ordinary event is what he lives for. But my being sad won't fix it. And at least he has that, many others have so much less than we have. With that thought , I better get back to work - at my job.... Nancy

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