That is what Mr. Rogers said. He had a way of looking in the camera just at me. Then just at my own little boy. Then tonight my son reminded me when he shared story about the hero who stopped the London Bridge terrorists. My son said look for the helpers even the drunk ones. because the hero said he had had a few pints! It was a great news story. It touched me. Reminded me that heros are usually the small normal guy doing amazing thing when the time comes usually unaware of the big impact they do.  Mr. Rogers said look for that. good advice to avoid bitterness fear terror prejudice. helpers are all over a bad day waiting to calm cheer deliver us. but we must look. gosh that can be hard when I am so mad at someone about something because it takes concentration and openness to look feel positive vibes. But sometimes after I realize I had met a mothering or fathering spirit in that day too. 

This story reminded me that a hero does not only catch bad guys but they take on wounds meant for me or others. They step in front and take on the attack. They speak up first drawing attention of the bully. How many times has someone been that in a small way maybe interpreting for me fixing a problem when another was rude or ignored or eyeball rolled.  What about

those I protected in some small way today?  Did I show a kindness? Did I show or tell a love? If so then I was helper. hooray.

It reminds me of kindergarten teacher who would say to the kids Was that Hurtful or Helpful??

I have said that to grown adults in real life situations. Some thing from my stroke is my filter is gone. I blurt out.

Not always nice.I despise the entitled prissy bossy caddyish  narcissistic big mouth issue riddled way this woman that comes to bingo insists she gets the only bag of purple poker chips. of course all the chips should be same in our childish world. But we have colors. I have my own pink ones that were a gift. 

so when this woman heard the purple eas given out already she asked if she could have them. Ok I get it.  I should and usually do cover my mouth. This is place of old nutty selfish kooky souls rattling around and I must be helpful not hurtful. but when the woman who had the purple looked stunned and hesitated to hand it over well words shot out of my mouth powered by past repressed almost vacuum packed like force. You have your nerve!!!  I listened to myself say in the out of body experience I was having. I also heard the woman say I was not in the conversation and the leader say lets have fun and like sounds from an echo from a coke can.  I sat down believing good behavior happens sitting. And  I endured the fixed game that goes on here where the rolling cage  of numbered balls are put in a box so you cannot see if they pick the next ball in line or choose from a bunch dumped out.  The caller walks around pushing it around on a cart  and she sees the extra large printed bingo cards. I slump over trying to  hide my card so chance may rule and I may not be eliminated because the caller decides I should not win because I irritated her. I have complained the way this is done buttold it makes everyone win. Actually the newest person wins a bunch and will return. others call out needed numbers expecting them to be next by saying did you call number......

????? I cringe. I thought it was a called number once.

once i played at table with ny roomate and best friends and we laughed argued jhelped and had an hour of amazing fun. And groaned when a complaining woman won 15 times in a row.  Chance?

We kept our chips and cards. Until someone complained we had the only winning cards so put them back in the pile!   I still have mine and roommates now they passed. Plus the only  chips in baby pink and white put in an old lotion jar.

I quit playing until recently because of the nonsence but friends said come back. But I spoke up and was silly because they are sick and silly here. I went back to room shamed petty consumed by outrage. dumb game. I do not need to win. i shop for own treats and keep a bag of candies to share at cards.

I dislike this self proclaimed queen. I dislike the way staff entertains themself with stacked deck playing and I dislike how I spoke out ...but no I know my grandmay would. 

I told my friend how staff came to me asking if i knew where the other bags of purple chips were maybe I kept one because i not playing with my pink. I said no i pick orange. yuck germs. i prefer use mine but they lost in closet when i moved.    

So my friend ordered me my own set of purple poker chips from amazon. I will be prepared. I think I will see if I can find a purple bingo card to match. I will keep my mouth shut this time when the queen asks subjects to hand over the purple. I will keep package to proof they mine..).. I may have fun bingo again. I will not be bullied or feel put down. I said who cares but I did.  my mint green blanket took off my bed. it was theirs  but i liked it. they washed it but not returned to me. so I told my son. he said mom buy a new soft blanket on amazon. i deciding.

i lost all my belongings my apt when i came here. we say a tornado a devastation. how about i gave away my things like i died and went to a safe place to live. i own little. I kept no valuables. but gifts come. I have more aagain than when I came here 2 yrs ago. my belongings are in storage. i wonder ×hy but son says it cheap to keep hope of a day when i have a closet or sitting room.

so is owning things so materialistic and petty?? I see identity in them. but then i let go share

i passed taking a sweater and gave to my friend as we had dinner. she loved it. i did not need want like. easy to give. my friend was suite  and delighted. 

I must look for helpers.

I want to be a helper.

I went shopping ffor friend. I brought back receipt. i declined the change but the woman insisted. so i accepted. impressed she was that kind of lady.

my friend on outside of here said not get taken advantaage ofx her so i not give awayhere. but i give gifts to those i care about here. not greedy queens who have visiting children who could buy them stuff.

I annoys me when this young nurse qustiojns me Is that new??  blah blah.  why??   i think you want to go buy?? or you want know if money spent. whatever. some small thing spent on me or a gift from a friend that i want here. i feel guilt. it is a ]lace here that is not a place to collect things. frivolous but joy in having. isnt that so?