Only a few of you even remember me --- Im Nancy, I've been in a good long fight with my husbands stroke 6.5 years ago... He was a young stroke victim, not the usual stroke MO-- he tripped on a rug, dissected his carotid artery ( tore on the inside). it caused a massive stroke... later tripped of seizures ... through it we did amazing things in an attempt to "live" some . Previously all we ever did was work, work and work. We have 4 great kids all adults now, all married. Dan has had all major stroke side effects, ( aphasia and partial paralysis) and plenty of brain damage to boot.
He has made the decision to quit eating and drinking. He quit taking his meds 3 weeks ago which has started the seizures that took forever to control - to rear their ugly heads. He hasn't truly eaten in weeks but has had sporatic meals on occasion. He isn't looking good. Is remaining remarkably cognizant and is ADAMANT this is his wish. He had me open the blinds up wide at the nursing home so that he can see when god comes for him.
He has thanked everyone- understands the pain we all feel , but is adamant in his wish to go home- heaven.. I wouldn't dream of taking this away from him. It is his life , his choice. I have the usual doubts of -( nancy)-- I coulda tried harder, been nicer, done more, coulda, coulda, coulda..... but I am exhausted . And I tried everything. we had resources others don't have, and none of it helped.... I quit my job stayed home, found a better home to care for him in home. hired staff, tried to return to work for my own sanity, hired ,fired staff... Dan didn't like anyone.... he was mean, he would refuse "whatever"... I played the kiss- his "a--" ended that chapter with him in the nursing home and me in a mental hospital.
I go everyday at least once, more often than not twice to see him. Would bring him his Mc Donalds daily.. But over the last six months have faltered some, its just so HARD... He would attempt his manipulations in an effort to get out of the home, not asking much time out from there. But I couldn't always do it, I have a job, Im tired. ect. ..... now he made this decision and we are at the point of to far in, I believe he is set and I believe this is what he wants and I believe the "end" is near.........
I am devastated but elated all at once.... Elated because his pain ( and he has pain) and his suffering will come to a end. Devastated - to lose again what I already lost 6 .5 years ago my friend, my lover, my husband. He was already gone, but now he will leave me again. But I would never choose differently for him- I did once- I won't take that moral responsibility again.
I write this cause, this site has been my "ear" its a pretty complete log of my stroke experience - ( from basic start to now finish) not as the actual victim but as a person who loved and cared so much for a person affected by stroke.