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Ending

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ending

nancyl

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Only a few of you even remember me --- Im Nancy, I've been in a good long fight with my husbands stroke 6.5 years ago... He was a young stroke victim, not the usual stroke MO-- he tripped on a rug, dissected his carotid artery ( tore on the inside). it caused a massive stroke... later tripped of seizures ... through it we did amazing things in an attempt to "live" some . Previously all we ever did was work, work and work. We have 4 great kids all adults now, all married. Dan has had all major stroke side effects, ( aphasia and partial paralysis) and plenty of brain damage to boot. 

 

He has made the decision to quit eating and drinking. He quit taking his meds 3 weeks ago which has started the seizures that took forever to control - to rear their ugly heads. He hasn't truly eaten in weeks but has had sporatic meals on occasion. He isn't looking good. Is remaining remarkably cognizant and is ADAMANT this is his wish. He had me open the blinds up wide at the nursing home so that he can see when god comes for him.

He has thanked everyone- understands the pain we all feel , but is adamant in his wish to go home- heaven.. I wouldn't dream of taking this away from him. It is his life , his choice. I have the usual doubts of -( nancy)-- I coulda tried harder, been nicer, done more, coulda, coulda, coulda..... but I am exhausted . And I tried everything. we had resources others don't have, and none of it helped.... I quit my job stayed home, found a better home to care for him in home. hired staff, tried to return to work for my own sanity, hired ,fired staff... Dan didn't like anyone.... he was mean, he would refuse "whatever"... I played the kiss- his "a--" ended that chapter with him in the nursing home and me in a mental hospital.

 

I go everyday at least once, more often than not twice to see him. Would bring him his Mc Donalds daily.. But over the last six months have faltered some, its just so HARD... He would attempt his manipulations in an effort to get out of the home, not asking much time out from there. But I couldn't always do it, I have a job, Im tired. ect. ..... now he made this decision and we are at the point of to far in, I believe he is set and I believe this is what he wants and I believe the "end" is near.........

 

I am devastated but elated all at once.... Elated because his pain ( and he has pain) and his suffering will come to a end. Devastated - to lose again what I already lost 6 .5 years ago my friend, my lover, my husband. He was already gone, but now he will leave me again. But I would never choose differently for him- I did once- I won't take that moral responsibility again.

 I write this cause, this site has been my "ear" its a pretty complete log of my stroke experience  - ( from basic start to now finish) not as the actual victim but as a person who loved and cared so much for a person affected by stroke. 



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Hi Nancy,

 

Many, many hugs!  I have read some of your previous blogs, and understand the ordeal you are going through.  I'm a stroke survivor for many years, and am able to deal with my difficulties now.  I truly understand that is not always the case.

 

First of all, even though you say you're devastated and elevated at the same time, I sense a bit of guilt.  DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!  Your husband has made a decision, not you!

 

I really don't know what to say....possibly talk to a doctor if you feel it would help to have their opinion.  (In Canada, it's legal for medical doctors to provide assisted suicide, but only in certain circumstances.  I understand that it is legal in some of the states as well, but don't know which states and the criteria that has to be met there to have a doctor assist.)

 

Nancy, my heart goes out to you!  I wish I could provide you with advice, but I really can't.  Just know that I truly care that you look after your health!  

 

                                         Heres a Hug from Me to You

 

Edit:

 

I hope Nancy that you have discussed this openly with your adult children.  I want to think that in the event your husband does pass away, your children will be holding your hand as well as his.  ❤

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Nancy, I can only send you a hug and keep you both in my prayers.  It has been a long hard road for you and your family and I commend all of you for the way you have gone through it. I hope that his end is peaceful and you all have good memories to fall back on from before this most difficult time.

 

Sue.

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nancy :

 

sending you hugs & prayers. I have followed you r post stroke journey through your blogs, I know you have tried your best. after all we all are responsible for our own life, our own happiness, and he has chosen that path for himself,  so I pray for peaceful loving end for him , and hope you have lot of other good memories of Dan to fall back on.

 

hugs,

Asha

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you are a good person and truly a friend of dan  and he would likely tell you so if he could.  we cannot truly understand what happens to a person with a severe disturbance that a stroke can cause.  I think that you being there with him some part of him will appreciate.  my best wishes for you nancy!

 

david

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