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plugging along

nancyl

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still at it with Dan--- has been refusing all medications for weeks and He will go 5 days eat nothing drink nothing than have a day where his mood is better and he will decide to eat and drink. Then the next morning it is right back to his "death march". This is a absolute compulsion, he has no control over, knowing that doesn't help. 

It is a exhausting mental roller coaster. The youngest daughter Beth - is so heartbroken and over stressed. As a family - mostly Beth and myself we have made sure Dan has made it to mass every Saturday evening . This weekend we all have other plans. The kind of plans that don't involve Dan - unfortunately - I hate to write that but taking Dan anywhere has become taxing emotionally. We need a break. 

Dan is cognizant, even polite ( except about his acceptance about no church this Saturday )-- I feel like part of this is his need to control, and another part is his sincere wish for his life to be finished. For him he feels he has no quality of life left. I agree with him from his point of view - knowing him to have been such a physically active and driven person. From my point of view - he has family who loves him, wants him. But continuing to dance to his tune has been a arduous journey, with not much of a quality of life for his family either. I surely thought our Stroke Journey would have been a better journey- it's not ---- not for him, not for me and not for his family. The depression the stroke has gifted everyone with is astounding, and not in a good way.  Thanks everyone for your support.



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Nancy, you do need a break!  Regardless of your love for your husband and children, it's very important that you look after your own health.  You are going through so much!

 

You may want to contact someone from the church who knows the importance to Dan to go to Saturday evening mass.  I think there's a good possibility that  a number of people would graciously offer to provide this assistance when required.

 

Take care!!      :hug:

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Dear Nancy,

I know what you are going through.  You have really gone beyond what a lot of others would have endured.  People tell me that all of the time.  

I stopped taking William to church.  It was becoming too taxing.  He would get confused and angry when he got confused.  I let him watch multiple services on TV.  I used to take him to the pool.  But I have stopped that too.  He gets too ugly when he gets confused.  This happens a lot. Especially when I give him a shower.

Dan can at least decide what he wants to do.  William does that.  But, he usually gives in at noon.  So his morning meds are sometimes late.  A few times he has refused his evening pills.  Fortunately nothing bad happened.

William is pretty much housebound now days.  I do not bother taking him out.  It is too hard.  He gets confused easily and does not know what to eat.  I need to sit and say eat a bite of this then chew then drink.  It is easier for me to stay at home.  It has been almost ten years.  

I will hold you up in prayer.

 

it

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Nancy, there is no easy way through this.  I am still on one of the dementia sites and the caregivers there also go through this and it is heartbreaking.  Luckily by the time Ray got to this stage he was in care and with all that he had wrong with him eating or not eating  was the least of the problems. You do need a break, to do things that do not involve Dan. I am sorry about Beth, this can be hard on the adult  children too, as you say she loves her dad and hates what is happening to him. My kids were older as Ray was much older than Dan but still I saw how much his last few years impacted on them too. 

 

From my pastoral visits to those in nursing homes I often meet up with the question:  "Why can't I just die?" and that is not an easy one to answer, especially as most of them have been eager to extend their lives with pacemakers etc and now it is a bit late to realise they can't die in a way that is easy and painless. Of course when we are young and relatively healthy we don't think the same way. Just know that I am thinking of you both and praying for your family that this will become easier to bear.

 

Sue.

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I'm Barbara, a newbie.  I've just been reading your letters Nancy.  My poor dear new acquintance, how I feel for you.  No, I'm not in your worrying situation but I do have a very dear friend of 93 who has very serious ongoing painful cancer in her leg and NEEDS to have an amputa

tion.  She's adamant that she's too old for this surgery and is quite ready and content  to die.  Her husband and sons aren't ready to lose her however and opt for surgery, as they hope this will ease her pain.   Who are WE to urge someone into those kinds of decisions?   Are we wanting to keep them alive for our own sakes or theirs?  It's a heartbreaking dilemma for ME and I'm not family as you are.   You sound an amazing lady who's heart - and mind -are in the right place.  Your hubby is a fortunate man and I hope and pray that you will find time for yourself along the way. We'd all wish for someone like you around us in the bad times, so keep your pecker up if possible and reminisce on the good times you shared instead.    Will keep you in my thoughts Nancy.  Be assured we are all rooting for you !!   Love  Barbara 

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