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Watching a train wreck

nancyl

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Watching Dan is like watching a train wreck. He is still refusing all, except ice water. he drinks 3  ( sips) at noon when I come visit him. Has to be ice cold. Thats it. No food- no other liquids. I wonder how long this will take? Im scared, for him and for me. This is slow and scary and not a thing I or anyone can do to stop it. And I wouldn't if I could, its not my place. But I am hating the watching of it. He doesn't talk much or want much. Just lays in bed, no TV, nothing just lays and looks outside - waiting to go home. ( heaven). 

The gal who does baths at the nursing home said he is considerable weaker - needs much more assistance. He had a pretty good bond with her. He had given her a big hug and told her she was a wonderful person. - He is saying his good byes and acknowledgements. In addition to his nursing home staff, he has the hospice staff. 

I have questions, no one can answer- Should I go more often ( i can only handle the over the noon hour visit) - more than that just busts me. Should I cry in front of him. Does it help him, does it hurt him? Ive asked him he just looks at me and shrugs. Should I not enjoy anything ? - I know the answer, but these moral dilemas. It hurts to laugh, then I think - Dan can't laugh, and he isn't - he is trying to die. 

Then I think - Nancy you should be up sitting with Dan. Then to myself I say- I can't it hurts, and one part of me says - go anyways. The other part says - really how helpful is it to yourself or Dan to just sit and cry. I want Dan to have no more pain, I want him to be whole again, I want him to be happy again. I want him to walk , work and enjoy life again. To obtain any of those things Dan can not do here on earth ( he tried, I know he did). So he is doing the only thing he can do. He is the conductor to the train than I am watching slowly derail.

I can't offer him anything, that I haven't already offered... I tried caring for him at home 100% - that didn't end well. I tried taking him places, showing him things- I tried family trips, I tried watching grandkids at their events, I tried the movies, I tried good food....... And so much more than that. None of it was want he needed. So he has made his decision, and the family and I wait and watch - and mourn what is coming in it's own good time. 

I would say my heart is breaking , but its broke already.



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Oh, Nancy,. I feel for you so much.  I would not know what to do.  Yes, I would be torn, just as you are.  I will keep you and Dan in my prayers.

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Nancy so sorry for what you are going through and what you have suffered through. You have done your very best It is in God's hands now. Take care. 

Julie

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Nancy, more hugs!  I agree with Ruth and Julie.  You've done all you can; he is in control of what he wants.

 

As far as what you should be doing now....I strongly suggest looking after your own health, don't let your husband's decision tear you apart.  I know that would be difficult because of your love of him, but as Julie said, it's in God's hands now.  It's ok for you to enjoy life and to laugh.  Hugs From My Computer To Yours

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Dear Nancy, I know you are devastated with all this, and have pretty much lived at 'devastated' during the entire time, because of Dan's attitude.   I know you will cry and be miserable, but not for this, for the 'would have been life' that we all missed out on.    That won't change, and Dan being here miserable and making everyone else feel like they are caught between misery and despair won't erase those feelings either.    It is a bad situation, and it's going to get worse.   But, cry all you need to, while taking care of Nancy, and one day you will laugh... and feel guilty.... but it is not ever going to be helping Dan for you to remain in misery.   Maybe he will find peace, and maybe you can find some too.    You've been a good wife, a good caregiver, and a good mother, don't doubt yourself, don't blame yourself, love yourself for giving it all you had.   You will have no reason to reproach yourself (eventhough I know you will) and wonder if you could have made a difference, because you did everything, Nancy.   There was nothing that you didn't try to give to make a difference!   It's just that he was not looking for a difference, and you were stuck trying to give something to someone who didn't want it.     I love your bravery and willingness to fight against the odds.   You have been a great inspiration.   My prayers are always with you.   Love you, Sandy

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Dear Nancy

 

My heart goes out to you; if there was any way to take away some of your pain, we'd do it like a shot.  You probably have your own answers to your questions, but here goes anyway:  

 

You can only do what you can do.  It will not help him or you for you to destroy yourself totally; you need to stay as strong as you can and to live your life.  He has decided to die, which I don't agree with but can sympathize with.  It must hurt you enormously to watch, and I am sure that he would not want you to be in pain.  You are terribly brave to spend the time that you do with him, and you cannot do more than you can do; at least not without damaging yourself badly in the process.

 

For your own sake, and for his, spend what time you can without damaging yourself further.  You have been a wonderful wife, companion and helpmeet, but the time has come when he wants to let go.  It is time for you to look after yourself, recover from this and start to live again.

 

 

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