Watching Dan is like watching a train wreck. He is still refusing all, except ice water. he drinks 3 ( sips) at noon when I come visit him. Has to be ice cold. Thats it. No food- no other liquids. I wonder how long this will take? Im scared, for him and for me. This is slow and scary and not a thing I or anyone can do to stop it. And I wouldn't if I could, its not my place. But I am hating the watching of it. He doesn't talk much or want much. Just lays in bed, no TV, nothing just lays and looks outside - waiting to go home. ( heaven).
The gal who does baths at the nursing home said he is considerable weaker - needs much more assistance. He had a pretty good bond with her. He had given her a big hug and told her she was a wonderful person. - He is saying his good byes and acknowledgements. In addition to his nursing home staff, he has the hospice staff.
I have questions, no one can answer- Should I go more often ( i can only handle the over the noon hour visit) - more than that just busts me. Should I cry in front of him. Does it help him, does it hurt him? Ive asked him he just looks at me and shrugs. Should I not enjoy anything ? - I know the answer, but these moral dilemas. It hurts to laugh, then I think - Dan can't laugh, and he isn't - he is trying to die.
Then I think - Nancy you should be up sitting with Dan. Then to myself I say- I can't it hurts, and one part of me says - go anyways. The other part says - really how helpful is it to yourself or Dan to just sit and cry. I want Dan to have no more pain, I want him to be whole again, I want him to be happy again. I want him to walk , work and enjoy life again. To obtain any of those things Dan can not do here on earth ( he tried, I know he did). So he is doing the only thing he can do. He is the conductor to the train than I am watching slowly derail.
I can't offer him anything, that I haven't already offered... I tried caring for him at home 100% - that didn't end well. I tried taking him places, showing him things- I tried family trips, I tried watching grandkids at their events, I tried the movies, I tried good food....... And so much more than that. None of it was want he needed. So he has made his decision, and the family and I wait and watch - and mourn what is coming in it's own good time.
I would say my heart is breaking , but its broke already.