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My Ups and then My Downs

tmciriani

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I hate that I can leave a positive post one day and then am miserable and need to let it out (though it may be negative) the next day. My moods and emotions go from one extreme to the other even though I see my Psychiatrist every 2 months and am medicated with what has worked the best so far. I still can't control it at times. Ughhhh anger/frustration/depression/feeling alone/feeling like nobody...and I think to myself why do I let something so simple so nothing sometimes to affect me. It just does...whether I am aware or do things to prevent or control it...whether I try coping skills or positive self talk. I can just end up in a blubbering mess of lonely tears. Here is an example: My dad is finally selling an older model Monte Carlo that sits under the two car carport and never moves to my nephew. I was shocked and utterly excited. I was so happy that nose I could park under the carport because the birds use my car as a bullseye or their lavatory in other words and I have difficulty finding the energy or coordination to wash it myself...oh and I am unemployed and broke always (still working diligently on disability). That means no car wash places for me. Ok back again to the parking situation. If you don't already know let me explain that I live with my dad while I am going through the disability process. Anyways, I was so thrilled that I could park under cover. My step mom smiled and spoke loudly to my father (he can't hear a thing) about my excitement and he promptly said noooo you put your suv under there. My stepmom has 2 vehicles but doesn't use her suv. His reaction hit me like a ton of bricks which I think is crazy on my part. I immediately welled up with tears and felt so alone so invisible. I finished cleaning the dishes in the kitchen where I stood and then scurried to my bed to log on and release this yucky. I'm probably taking a nap in a few moments to refuel. Again this is me using my blog as purgatory. Maybe in a couple of hours I will do something fun.



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For the parking, I 'kinda' get why he put her first because they're married. I know you get it but on the flip of the token, I would have been so hurt myself. I found when I watch a game show from the 1950's - 70's " What's my line" on YouTube and I like the panel and I start to get choked up thinking they have all passed. If I'm watching something that makes you feel 'warm and fuzzy' I begin to cry. I have been completely weaned off of my depression meds.. so I have 10+ years of emotions that were suppressed that need to come out. As with you, my day to day functions change literally everyday. I can't plan anything. it sucks. you understand that. I'm thankful of your blog for I have a hard time keeping a thought or point in my brain long enough to post my thoughts and yours are almost a like.  I "heart' you :) 

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Tracy :

don't let small things bothher you, its all small stuff, in big scheme of things having bird poop on car & car getting dirty does it matter, as long as car drives well thats what matters. Don't feel badly about it,  be grateful for whatever help they are doing based on their circumstances. If someone is helping we can't expect more, just have to be thankful that we still have people in our life who cares about us.

 

Asha

 

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Asha I truly appreciate and look up to your positivism. You are very right. What I write about my experiences are how I no longer can control my emotions in such a situation due to the stroke. Rationally, I know the same that what you are saying is true. I felt the same way rationally but my reaction was anything but rational. People around me also don't understand why my reaction may be so intense...as well as others who may be stroke survivors that don't have these type of cognitive affects at times. I'm aware...but I can't always control it or even understand why myself. To many it seems childish and I wouldn't disagree. My behavior and reaction is a direct affect of my cerebellar stroke and Cerebellar Cognitive Affective Syndrome. There's a simple explanation/definition of the syhdrome if you Google the full name. I hope to clarify that I really understand that my physical reaction and emotional reaction doesn't fit the situation. My frustration is that I can't always control those things no matter how much I try or understand or am medically treated for that exact moments experience. Unfortunately, this is an ongoing affect...it's just not physical like one sided paralysis or not being able to move or feel areas after a stroke. This is what is so different about my stroke compared to so many others. None of them are any less devastating but in different ways. I feel guilty or have at times, that my body was spared the paralysis and similar problems that so many experience. However, I can attest that affects in cognition, emotion, affect, and many other psychological issues can and are real, painful, frustrating, as well as not accepted by others or judged inappropriate. I don't argue that just know I can not always control it. I'm sorry, I don't want to come across in a bad way and please know that is not my intent if I am. Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

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Kelli, I feel the similarities in how we are affected by the world around us. I know you understand...you experience this too. I know you understand how hard it is for it to make sense to anyone else not experiencing things like this. LOL I laughed when you talked about bird poop...My mistake Asha that was you and it made me laugh at the thought of bird poop importance...so true. I took a long nap and feel lots better now. It's ok wherever I park and bird poop and dirt can be washed away. :wink: This is just another day in the life. Hugs!!

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If it makes you feel better, I would have felt hurt and invisible as well. Cmon now kids before stepmoms! 

My emotions have a trip wire too. Things hurt physically.

 

We are allowed to feel. That is good even if hard to hurt. Who wants to sacrifice that joy you felt to be numb just to not hurt.

 

I wonder if you feel you do not belong there,and stroke robbed you from a better life. I understand those feelings. You coped beautifully. You are doing fine.

Hope for the future. Disability will arrive. I had to get legal help and appeal. At the hearing,the judge gave it to me immediately no problem.

Then you can get your place,and your parking spot. It will happen. Be patient.

 

Keep calm,and venting is allowed. We do what we must to avoid stressing or risking another stroke.

There is a balance of negative and positive in life.

There is no should. You get to experience your truths, and we will listen and always support you.

You are strong and can be patient for good times ahead. And in the meantime, advocating may or may not be wise,your call. just know that you are coping well. 

 

This is hard stuff. This life is not supposed to go like this, and if you are not taken care of by a spouse then it is worse to be on your own.

I admire you that you are not content to just be childlike content living with parents again, but do what makes sense now, and know independence will come. Seek options.

 

We do not deserve this suffering and we are strong to endure it.

 

It may seem like a yo yo,but you are fighting to remain positive,to cope,groow,so it is ok to feel what you do. I am same way. I know I am allowed. I think it is honest,and real.

 

You win the Tiara!

 

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PS, to me this did not seem about bird poop at all. 

I listen to my intuition,which makes me open and sensitive to emotional pain. 

It is good to have your therapist,someone you can talk honestly and not apologise for your feelings. And know feelings can be stuffed down only to go the pressure cooker and explode later. Better to let off steam. It takes so much energy to pretend anyway.

 

I hate that word childish. I worked with children. They are honest. They lack the inhibitions or pretenses adults use to avoid situations of pain. They react but they cope,resilient,awesome.

 

 

 

But this is just my opinion

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Yep what everyone already told you and you already know in your heart. This was a "little" thing to them but it hurt you big time. And when we are hurt we react. The main thing is you were able to put it aside and be rational after the fact which helps a bit.  Hang in there and remember "this too shall pass".

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Thanks so much for all the positive vibes guys. You're the best! Pam I do feel like I don't belong really. It is strange...I feel like a guest at times just daydreaming about going home. I wouldn't tell my Dad or Stepmom for the world. I am blessed to have family that gives me a place to live...it's hard for me to admit that sometimes I really do feel like I don't belong. I would never want to convey those feelings to them. It was a "little" thing to them and that's ok. It did crush my feelings for my excitement to be dismissed...I sorta feel like things haven't been really exciting in a good while...I just wanted to enjoy that. I am so glad that I can make it through these challenging moments without completely falling apart at least after a good nap lol. I look forward to the future. Having my own home and parking place ☺️. Getting excited about something and enjoying it. I have faith. It makes me smile. It makes me realize how much I love my family. It helps me to dream, plan, and look forward to things. Thank you guys again...I'm getting all mushy philosophical lol. :humming:

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Tracy :

 

All strokes are so different & being stroke survivor still I can't fully comprehend why you feel certain way about certain things, hope I did not offend you by my honest opinions about certain things. you are strong woman.

 

Asha

 

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Asha you absolutely didn't offend me at all. My emotional lability is a physical response I wish I could control better is all. Being rational should be a well learned thing for me but sometimes my physical reactions seem so irrational. It's frustrating is all. I hope I didn't offend you as well. :blush:

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