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I Want to Have Normal Reactions to Things

HostTracy

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Part of my problems after stroke are psychiatric in nature. It really upsets me to be so strongly affected by every little thing. It is an emotional rollercoaster even without any physical stuff at a moment. As I said before I haven't been feeling well and have been really tired on top of post stroke fatigue that never went away. My dad woke me up screaming this morning around 6am that my cat had puked a lake on the floor and I had better get up and clean it up. I told him I would clean it but was still half asleep and fell back to sleep. I had my alarm set for 9 this morning and I got up and put some clothes on to drive and meet my step dad for a moment. It was while I was dressing that I heard the angry scream from my dad to get in there. So I took some carpet spray and a handful of paper towels with me as I headed for the back door. Just as I was about to clean up the spot he told me that the next time I don't get up when he calls me that he was throwing my cat outside that he wasn't living in filth. So sometimes my mouth says what my thought is before I can make a judgement whether to say it or not. My stepmom is a (clean) hoarder. She won't throw anything away or donate anything except food and truly gross stuff. So I said " You already live in filth everyday." Then told him again I was sorry and that I hadn't felt well. He screamed well I don't feel good either (my dad just found out he has lung cancer). I told him I knew he didn't and I had not said a word to him to fuss about anything. So I finished cleaning the spot and threw away the dirty paper towels and then headed for the door upon which he screamed "Now where are you going". I let him know I had to meet my step dad and would be back in a few minutes and left. Of Course the tears start falling as soon as I shut the door. I cried all the way to the grocery store. My step dad said he was sorry my dad cans I wore fighting. He also said that October is not that far away (my disability hearing). But then said you are going to have to get yourself together and only you can do that. I hope you get good results from your hearing but if not then you'll have to do what you need to do and work and get out on my own. I just told him I know. I wonder why I see my Psychiatrist every 2 months and still have panic attacks. Or why I take depression meds, anxiety meds and ADD meds everyday. I just need to get it together. Right? Right. Invisible. No matter how hard I try. Can't help but feel that way sometimes.



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I'm so sorry your morning started out like crapola.  I know when I start of my morning in a traumatic way, it basically throws me off for the rest of the day. Sometimes you are completely stressed out without feeling like you are. I mean you , as well as your dad,  just got bad news so it is understandable if your emotions are whacky.  Your brain, as you know, directs and manages your emotions so when there is a 'detour' , the fluid path of brain waves that controls your emotions, now as to go a different 20 miles out of its way. The point is... you are doing all you can. Stroke is stressful, disability is stressful, cancer is stressful. (( I'm not going to lie.. my thought just went **poof** )) xxoox

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Thanks Kelli for the pep talk. I really do appreciate it them. I know you don't have to but it does brighten my day. Sometimes I just talk to let things go and you are never one to say well just don't do that or just don't feel that way. I feel ok just being me at the moment even when it is back and forth (a lot!). Thank you.

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You are a completely normal post stroke person. You are going through unnecessary disability hearing after losing your life your home your loved one and now in a situation where your one beloved...the cat...is being threatened to be taken away.

 

I think your comment should be applauded.

 

I know dear dad is unwell and going through his own hate the woelrld stuff but people in glass houses should not through stones

 

Do you know better things are ahead?

In time the intensity of these responses will decrease and you will learn to cover yourself or not amd fall apart less or not. But in our support group we all go through these response things. One reason is being caught off guard. we do not practice for  everything. Sometimes I feel I am ambushed by someone something. Then looking back it was little thing but to me a giant thing I needed to be big. no apology. I survived so I get to write this. NOTHING is crazy especially me or you. Surviving is complex and look how we live..not walking or seeing right and the fatigue yes always this bone tired but I cannot sleep then adrift and cannot wake up and thrn my drems thete is so much and some feels real. I sort through my real life and memories or dreams  and so I am always befuddled as I wake from some nap.  But I continue to run my life from sidelines. Just as You are doing it quite well. All normal because we have all never counted on doing it this. 

I like how later you respond. Like me. Not till you are ready to speak. A wise counselor once told me that if she said it then it probably needed to be said but perhaps the timing was off. She was a hoot I try to channel. I really want confidence. But I can do Real in the meantime.

I admire you and identify with your challenges. I believe you are going to find the way and find confidence all along thís journey.

 

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hey Tracy :

 

Pam nailed it. I think sometimes it is good to remember every one is fighting tough battles in their life & give concessions to them because they are our own family.  your Dad is going through his own struggle right now so might be at the edge & took out his frustrations on your cat & you. Things wouln't have mattered to you, but our unconscious mind weaves some weird stories based on our own uncertainties & feelings at the time, & we end up making mountain out of molehill. I feel right now is the time to be at your dads side & not add any more stress by fights & arguing about small things. At the end of the day in big scheme of things these are all small things. So don't get stressed by these things acknowledge feelings & move on.

 

Asha

 

 

 

 

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I hope you are right Pam. I hear how sometimes you are caught off guard ambushed and have to be big. I totally understand that. It will affect me one of two ways: I'll freeze and cry or I'll shoot back with a sharp bite. Or your dreams, waking, sleeping and how sometimes they all mesh together. I have super vivid lifelike dreams and I sometimes have to be awake for a bit to comprehend that I'm not in the dream or what I might think is reality. I can let things go Asha that is good advice. I try not to hold on to things for later. So I said what I said and that was that. I don't want to upset my sick father...I don't want to feel threatened or need to be protective either (about my father). I really like the saying people in glass houses should not throw stones. I see it as regards to both he and I. The biggest thanks is that I can let these feelings out when I am here. It doesn't always mean it's helpful for another so my blog I feel is a safe place...where I can let it out and y'all can read it or not. :minding-business:Thanks!

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Hi Tracy, yes the blog is the safest place to let those feelings out.  While I don't experience your emotional roller coaster I can sympathise and appreciate where it comes from. As a child I too was the master of the quick nasty response, that really hurts someone. It took many years to learn to bite my tongue then and I would hate to have to learn it again now. The main thing now is to not beat yourself up (too much) when it happens.  Trying to have sympathy and understanding of your Dad's current issues does not mean letting him turn you into a doormat to unload his own crap onto.  I hope the cat has recovered from whatever triggered her to throw up.

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On 7/21/2018 at 10:20 PM, tmciriani said:

I hope you are right Pam. I hear how sometimes you are caught off guard ambushed and have to be big. I totally understand that. It will affect me one of two ways: I'll freeze and cry or I'll shoot back with a sharp bite. Or your dreams, waking, sleeping and how sometimes they all mesh together. I have super vivid lifelike dreams and I sometimes have to be awake for a bit to comprehend that I'm not in the dream or what I might think is reality. I can let things go Asha that is good advice. I try not to hold on to things for later. So I said what I said and that was that. I don't want to upset my sick father...I don't want to feel threatened or need to be protective either (about my father). I really like the saying people in glass houses should not throw stones. I see it as regards to both he and I. The biggest thanks is that I can let these feelings out when I am here. It doesn't always mean it's helpful for another so my blog I feel is a safe place...where I can let it out and y'all can read it or not. :minding-business:Thanks!

Tracy :

 

you can post all your feelings here, but also keep open mind & ready to ignore people's comments, if some you don't like, rather getting upset  about commentspeople  post. I don't believe any one have bad intention of hurting any one, they just give feedback based on their life experience, as a blogger you take it or ignore. So Just saying because I know how I operate when giving comments to bloggers here. So If I offended any one in my comments then please forgive me

 

Asha

 

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Thanks Asha I try to not over think others responses because I really don't want to misunderstand and I don't want anyone to misunderstand me as well. I really want to just be or say how I feel at the moment in my blog in particular. I really hope I have never come across as derogatory to others commenting. If you or anyone has felt that way then please accept my apologies. You guys don't upset me and I really just listen to comments as a helpful gesture on the others part. I can't say that everything always helps but honestly I think that is just the nature of this beast. I feel for the most part everyone just wants to be helpful in their own way and I really do appreciate that. 

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