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Feeling Cra Cra praying for Thursday to come

HostTracy

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:@#*%::scared::yikes::pounding-headache::dumb::tantrum::feeling-blue::insane::crazy::no-way::#@</!!::frustrated::help::yikes::crazy::getting-sick::sick:

Lemme just get all the emotions out at once. I've been pretty terrible lately. It is definitely time to see my shrink. Thank the Lord its Thursday. Let me go through my new range of crazy. I'm depressed, my anxiety gets so high I feel like I will burst, panic attacks almost daily, seeing things, hearing things, scared because I don't know if I am seeing things or hearing things, sense of utter doom Bad Bad Bad, the crickets made me have a panic attack, I keep hearing thunder rumbles but feel to my bones that something horrible is coming...plus I'm not even sure I actually hear thunder but it's there, I have been barricaded in my room 75% of the time lately, sleeping as much as I can, I don't want to be awake, chronic headaches, neck pain...Oh yeah I have that mass on the side of my neck, crying, crying, crying, hyperventilating, completely paranoid, obsessed with trying to find answers on the internet which makes it worse, feel like throwing up a lot, obsessively sanitizing, obsessive in general, oh did I say terrified at times? I think there is more but I'm too tired to write it. So what has happened? Ok so I found out my disability hearing is October 25th good right? My dad was diagnosed with stage 1 non small cell adenocarcinoma of the lungs 'm about a month ago. He has been doing radiation for 2 weeks now and started chemo today. He has a 85% cure rate...another pretty positive note. My extremely narcissist ex boyfriend of 10 years that I left a year ago because he replaced me with a 24 year old 30 years his junior has contacted me twice in the past month. My stepmom is neurotic and a clean hoarder ( I still live with my dad and stepmom for now). I found out today that my dad should be putting the toilet seat down and flushing twice when he uses the restroom. He NEVER flushes pee. He is diabetic, has COPD but in the last month has quit smoking and drinking, has beginning stage kidney disease and now has cancer and has to have poison given to him...radiation M-F...chemo every Monday. He checks his sugar, takes insulin, all without applying alcohol to any place a needle goes and hasn't changed his Lancet in forever. I've been sanitizing as much of where my dad touches as I can because he is overly susceptible to infection plus it is a safety factor for myself and my stepmom. I asked him to flush with the potty seat down tonight (I can flush the 2nd time before I go). He yelled at me and said I am not a Dr. and that the next person can flush after he goes and if they don't like it they can go outside and then told my stepmom they needed to get me a dog outhouse. I am thinking of his exposure or extra exposure as well as mine and my stepmom's. I think he feels ostracized and that I am a reason for that. Sighs....maybe I am. I don't know. I've had to call my mom every night to be talked down including tonight cause I can feel my heart racing and beating so hard. I couldn't get in touch with my daughter for a few days...her phone was cut off and it took a few days to have enough money to turn it on again. I was extremely stressed about it and worried something had happened. Yes this is a total pity cry, pooh blog, or whatever else it can be labeled. It is my reality though at least for the past 3 weeks. Can somebody say thorazine please. :cheers:I am going to go watch YouTube vvideos of kittens now. Night.



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You are in a bad place right now, too much going on over which you have no control. All I can do is wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to make it all disappear for you. Many , many (((hugs))).

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Oh Sue hugs I found out about 2 hours ago my brother passed away. They think of a heart attack...found in his house in the bathroom. Sent to autopsy today. I need a break. I just need a break. I need a break. I need a break.

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Tracy :

 

sending you hugs & prayers, just keep your head above water, nothing lasts forever, this shall pass. Usually things are never under our control, its how we will respond to events, make them dreary or good. I know it is easy to get frustrated over toilet seat never put right back down, I know I yell at my son all the time about it & tell him one day he will have to pull me out of toilet with me being stuck in toilet lol & it won't be pretty sight. but does he listen? no, but does it matter? no. I put toilet seat down & move on. my condolences  for you, life & death none of us have any control over it, how we lived each day is only control we have. praying for happy days for you.

 

Asha

 

 

 

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More Hugs here Tracy. Hang in there you will survive this. So sorry to hear about your brother. It is about time the world gave you a break, but that's not always how it works. Just remember to breath and count to 10

:hug:

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Thanks for the positive posts you guys. I really appreciate it. If you don't mind prayer for my parents, my niece ( his daughter), myself and my siblings. We sure need some right now.

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Oh dear what a lot of pain for you to bear, condolences on the passing of your brother, prayers for you and all the extended family. More (((hugs))).

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8Tracy I hear you and see your pain. I agree you are treated horribly by those you have loved but you have the other strong women in your family like mom and daughter. And you have you. Do not forget that. You are never alone in this universe. There are good good people who reach out to you with love. Not pity. This world can toss us around. Mark my words we all get a turn. Your dad has lashed out and good for you for speaking up. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Stroke is not a stigma. Good for you for knowing better and seeking support.

 

Peaceful days are coming your way. Thank heavens you ignore that phone call from that x and know you are worth thousands of times more than that prize!! Remember you have you.

And always forever you have me and us collective family on here.

Rest in peace knowing you survived for more than this pain.

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