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Living on angel time.


swilkinson

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I went to see the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I was interviewed by a young Asian associate doctor and sent for a 3D MRI and angiogram, a brand new way of showing  the blood supply within the brain. The results were given to me by the associate and then I saw the specialist. It appears the aneurysm is larger and deeper than previously thought but at my age they are not going to operate as it would mean a full brain surgery. Coiling, one method of dealing with an aneurysm, is not an option. I think I was a little bit shocked by the news but taking into consideration I have had the melanoma op, the lymph node dissection etc I am not really a good candidate for another operation, especially brain surgery.

 

The specialist was fairly brutal because I think  he wanted me to know if I wanted an operation it had to be after I got a clearance from the melanoma specialist and that would take time. He said he knew I had a long wait ahead of me but not to worry.  Not to worry!!! So back to basics, no stress, no strenuous exercise, no * blush, sounds like no fun at all. So what can I do? As usual make some decisions, live a quiet life, let the future take care of itself, one day at a time. Hell's bells, what else is new?

 

So I have a plan. I have to just go on the way I always have, going about my usual routine one day at a time. Whenever I start to worry I will visualise that little bubble about the same size as the tiny diamond on my engagement ring. I will visualise a tiny angel sitting alongside the aneurysm, with her thumb firmly on top of it holding it in place. I know one day it may be that she will take her thumb off and the pressure will build up and life as I know is it will be no more. But It will happen to us all one day, in one form or another.

 

I went to Dissection Clinic down in Sydney today and there have been no changes in the past three months to the Lymphoedema, which is good news. In the interview I told her I had regained my confidence in walking down stairs which had taken a year to do and had recently started yoga again. She seemed pleased with the progress. No more interviews in any of the Sydney specialists rooms until next February. Hurray! I have survived twelve months since the melanoma was removed and six months since the operation to remove the lymph nodes. I have a lot to be thankful for.

 

My daughter took me to both appointments, I was so glad she had the time. We stopped for lunch today before we left Sydney and although it was expensive it was a happy time and one we rarely enjoy together. She also got the news today that the position she holds as Captain of the Cardiff Corps has been extended for another twelve months which is good news for me. If she had been moved it might have been a lot further away. Her husband's appointment has also been extended. Though he will now have a wider area to cover, which means a lot more time on the road. But she said he can cope with that.

 

On a less happy note my special friend who has the leukemia has now been in hospital for eight weeks and he now seems to be getting much weaker. I have been a regular visitor and it is painful to see the deterioration. With all the people  I  have ministered to in hospital you would think I would get used to seeing that happen but I never do. I am always an optimist, thinking with the right treatment, an adjustment to their medication etc they will be fine. But that is not always the case. So maybe there is more bad news to come.

 

There are signs of Spring now, birds building nests, green grass after a little rain, even some blossoms on the prunus trees in the parks we passed today. Hopefully the nights will warm up and we can start packing away the winter clothes. I have no plans, the future is a blank canvas. Don't think there is much fun and excitement ahead but who can tell? If I wake up breathing and moderately energetic I will endeavour to have a good day.

 

 

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Sue:

 

so sorry to hear about your aneurysm , you are taking it right way, none of us like bad news but I m glad its not cancer, just take one day at a time. glad you had good time with your daughter to these doctors appointment. I feel even though all disease are bad, but with cancer & some of other disease you get chance to say proper goodbyes & tie loose ends so that when you are gone no one fights over anything & there are written instructions for everything

 

Asha

 

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Sue,

 What a shock to hear and you are putting on a great face. I truly believe you have been a blessing for many that you are going to be blessed. With all that is out in the medical field, could there be a way to decrease or monitor so you can live everyday with happiness in your heart and a smile on your face xxoox

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Oh Sue my heart really goes out to you. I believe too that you have been such a blessing to others and that you are going to be blessed exactly what Kelli said. I feel that old saying "when it rains it pours" a lot. My mom keeps telling me try so hard to focus on the moment and not the things I don't know or that I can't change right now. Both her and I know that it is easier to say than to feel/do. I'm sending you blessings and sharing what has helped me in times of true fear. God bless you.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

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:hug:Sue it's hard news but we all have to go sometime and it's not something you can change so as you say try to ignore it as much as possible. The reality is we all live our lives with death only a moment away, but we mostly manage not to think about it. That's certainly harder to do when it's called to our attention.  So enjoy each day and make the most of opportunities as they arise.

 

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Each step we take, each smile...all a gift from God. You have accepted these gifts with much joy, Sue. You’ve made your heart glad to be alive. You are awesome.

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Dear Sue,

I hate hearing the news.  But, I love the title of the blog. Living on Angel time.  You have been such an inspiration to me.  Your blogs have sustained me and inspired me.  You have the spirit that is so loving and giving.  We caregivers are a special group of angels here on earth.  It is amazing to me how we touch each other.  Living each day, as a gift from God is the only way to go.  I Love you.   Ruth  Your are amazing at writing.

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Sue, Although I have never met you in person, I feel  you have listened and know my secrets,and shared your life in a transparent and inspirational way,and with so much love and wisdom in your blogs. The greatest gift to us bloggers has been that you give the gift of your time to read our lives and even summarize so each of us cpuld learn about each other.

 

Living on angel time is a quotable classic Sue. I will quote you often. One friend told me as I grappled with my unfinished goals in life...we are not guaranteed life.

I heard this with shock, because I expected to live. I failed to accept that my life,each moment is a gift, and not on my time at all. I stammered but I need to finish this or that.I planned plotted schemed

...ah the plans of mice and men.

 

But we are promised peace,and we are promised that we are never alone,we have been wrapped in God's loving arms.

 

Thank you Sue for showing me how to graciously accept the difficult, the unknown

 You are brave and strong. But when you search for those attributes, yes you have an angel. When I had a stroke, I was so calm, I did feel angels around me. We are never alone. And you have Ray waiting for you Sue. You are so lucky to be a loved beautiful person. Be fearless. Be free.

 

I pray you will always be comfortable,and that your angel will keep a tight hold because we need you, I need you.

 

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Angel---your mine. Actually you are a angel to many of us. Always there with a reply and encouragement. You have led by example, and with love. None of us know- none of most likely want to know. Your the best - thank you for the update .... Nancy

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Wow, you have came thru so much, Sue.   You are an amazing woman and I have been blessed to have gotten to read your blog over the years.   It is true that we are all, perhaps living on angel time, we just don't know it yet.     Peace in the time of knowing it, is all any of us can pray for, and you are shining like a star right now!

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Zoo I took the time to read this again today I don't know why but this always seems to comfort me because you're optimistic spirit and determination to live life to the fullest and to not go quietly into that well you know anyway this piece of writing is a masterpiece and I hold it dear to my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your journey every step I feel I have raised a teacup towards your full recovery and I'm very grateful to hear that the little angel has her thumb form Liam place. And I love that you call it living on Angel time so true so true God has a plan because he's known us before we even existed which I have a hard time getting my mind around but I firmly believe. So maybe it takes knowing that it could all burst one day to fully appreciate. I guess I go back and read this because the quality of life and the quantity of life don't always go hand-in-hand and I know that you go and visit people in hospital and you can see that still hold on to life no matter where they're living it. My life has value we have value is people. And I know some people don't appreciate that. I was particularly shocked to hear on the news if someone said that some people should be sacrificed to this virus. Well I'm not sure how he's going to go about choosing but I'm not sure he's going to get very many volunteers unless they're giving themselves 4 a good cause such as caring for others in the face of being exposed themselves. We are the people will always come to the aid of others I believe that to be true. I'm not sure that we will sit down quietly to be sacrificed. There's a difference oh I'm going off on a tangent because I live in a nursing home now and I feel very imprisoned as we've been locked down and it doesn't sound nice to be told that my value my life doesn't mean as much as another person's. But recently I was complaining that I had a lot of fatigue as I am having some difficulty breathing these days. And one of the nurses commented that I that's all I did was sleep all day anyway everyday. I know I said no no I don't little projects to keep me busy I visit with people I go around and I talked with people I have friendships I have a life and when I find myself sleeping more than usual that is unusual. And I realized that she didn't think that I was worth a crap and I guess maybe that's how other people see it but I have a life worth living whatever small little backyard plot did I get to plow that's me that's mine. Recently I gave a friend a pair of shoes that I got free and she really liked them and I'm finding that I'm not able to wear shoes these days because of the swelling in my feet so I gave them to her and she kept saying how happy she was to have them and then she look at me and say are you sure you don't want them back and I said No No I gave them to you because I know that I'm not going to use them but now seeing how happy you are with them on your feet I wouldn't dream of wanting them back and seeing her so happy made me happy. Then I briefly had this glimpse of me scooping up the rest of my shoes and giving them to her because I really don't know when I'm going to get my feet back in them with all this stupid swelling but then I figured nah most of them have been kind of Warren These are nice and brand new not broken in and literally worn once and they're actually a double-dip which she's really happy to have. She said that there I said be careful they gave me a blister I don't want the same to happen to you so make sure somebody took some out for you and gives you the right kind of inserts. But I think that we should all look for that moment where life becomes a little more fun. I'm in the middle of all of this trauma of Health changing we know that we're never guaranteed the next moment of life it's all a gift and we say it but we don't believe it but it's very true there is a little angel there with her finger on the red button and at any moment when God nods his head then she is going to gracefully raise her hand and Usher us into the next phase of our spiritual existed out of our Earth body I believe that will be entered into his kingdom but whatever Kingdom you think you are going to be ushered into one thing is for sure IR residency here will end. Well as attached as I am to this body there's been many things I wish could have been changed LOL there are others however who have had a more pleasant existence in this lifetime and they may have more resistance. It reminds me of the reading and scripture that says it is very difficult for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God and I guess that's why cuz we become very attached to our things to our bodies and these are all temporary. Don't get me wrong when I had to give away all my belongings I wasn't happy about some things some things I've been very attached to. Recently I had to block about it. Anyway thanks again Sue for reminding me that we are just here for as long as God allows. You have done so many wonderful things for all of us that I've treasured your time here and I hope you'll be here a lot longer because I love you too Sue you're my dearest friends thank you periods

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Pam, what a pleasant surprise your posting on here was. The clipping of the aneurysm last July was a traumatic operation in a way and yet it gave me a new freedom, a freedom to live. I had a fall recently and split my scalp and had six stitches to close it up The doctor ordered me to have a CT scan and there was the clip doing what it was designed to do and working fine. I know that we are all here on earth in a temporary capacity so Angel Time  will always apply. God bless you dear friend.

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