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Finding the Strength to Let Go an Realize That I have No Control Over Anyone or Anything Except Myself

HostTracy

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I'm embarrassed to say that you know I'm going to vent when I visit my blog. 😁 I do figure things out though, get a better understanding for my own sanity and well I am much better when I let it out. So, again, here's a warning beforehand that there may be some venting. That way if you are not wanting to hear it then please click out. I say that in a nice way. 

I never thought I had an issue with control...but I do. Maybe it comes with good intentions but really does no good for me or anyone else. l am forever trying to "talk" to my stepmom about her issue with stuff (for those who don't know my stepmom is a clean hoarder or a collector if you will). I am in a situation where I end up having to help her with many things like, giving her medicine, washing the clothes (not mine...I have always done mine), giving her a sink bath, helping her move stuff (which she calls organizing and decluttering), look for things she has lost, she would like me to wait on my dad but it is not something I do for the most part. Janice (my stepmom) recently had rotator cuff surgery so she is unable to use just one arm...her "bad" arm the left (she is right handed). It bothers me even bringing this up to a group who the majority has experienced the loss of use of one arm or much more but it is where I find myself. I didn't lose the use of any of my extremities (this is really a good thing). I did however gain a lot of cognitive and psychological issues (it comes from a syndrome called Cerebellar Cognitive Affective Syndrome). I also have over stimulation (visual, audible and physical). I a also have trouble thinking or problem solving, like I can't explain but sometimes I can't put the facts together so that they make sense or that I can use to better a situation. Sorta makes me rigid in the way that I think and maybe not as empathetic to other's thought processes. I also have ongoing PBA or emotional liability, extreme anxiety and panic attacks that I can not control. My stepmom forever is losing very important things (because it could be anywhere amongst the "stuff"). She is always verbally complaining about it and saying how everything needs to be gone through and organized, blah, blah, blah. 😑Yes I am ashamed that I said blah, blah, blah but it's what I hear. She asks me to help her a lot or does so in a real passive aggressive way like "oh I wish my arm was better and I had enough time to do _____. -or- It's always something...I have to get the laundry done but maybe later. Well there's another wrinkle. She says this last sentence multiple times throughout the day. 😫 I always ask her are you trying to tell me something? I've explained hundreds of times please just ask...I can't get what you want. I get frustrated trying. I explained to her again tonight while she was doing this that it took me over a year to just take care of me so please don't expect that I just know what you want or need. Speak up...I mean be nice but use your words. Ok I know I am writing a book...my apologies. I'm afraid it will be long. So today has been interesting. I haven't been sleeping well because I have my disability hearing on my mind nonstop so I am tired. Falling asleep once I'm exhausted around 3 or 4 and sleeping a lot during the day. My body has been on this continual cycle of good sleeping hhabits to bad sleeping habits...over and over. I'm ok with sleeping during the day but everyone else around me is not...because that means I'm lazy. Anyway, Janice came and woke me up around 8 this morning to tell me to call my sister. (After 4 hours of sleep). I called and she oh call when you wake up I didn't mean for her to wake you up. There's that. Then as I got up to get a drink and use the restroom she started telling me a list of what she needed to get done today. I politely asked what could I get her right now and then I was going to sleep for a bit. She said oh well don't worry about it...go on and go to bed you can put my eye drops in when you get up. I explained that no I would go ahead and do it because I will most likely forget to later. So I did and then went back and layed down. No sleep though. Anyways, I got back up and my niece has brought her 2 kids over to stay while she does something and I got ready to go help my sister. I had called her back.and she needed me to help her do a few things on her lunch hour. We didn't get finished so when my mom went to lunch I went back with her and finished. She filled my car with gas and she bought me the headlight I needed (I have one out and my mom also works with my sister). So by the time I got home I was just done. I can't remember what she wanted but I told her I would do this and then I had to lay down at least for a little bit. When I got up (still no sleep) my great niece was playing in the back room and of ccourse falling over things (she is 4). My stepmom and dad fussed at her and I just matter of fact said "of course she is tripping on everything she can't help it from all the junk." I think I got up in a bad mood lol. So I went and got a trash bag and told Janice that I was going through the mass of toys and throwing away all broken or missing parts. Which is what I did. I know she cringed the whole time but I did it anyway. I then left the room and went to watch tv with the kids in the other room. After they left, Janice came in there and sat in the other chair going through a box of papers (like everyday). I asked her what she was looking for and she said health insurance papers. So here I go...ok you have 2 filing cabinets downstairs so we will get someone to bring them up and we will file all your lose papers period, throw away trash and you can plug in your shredder and shred the rest. She began with the excuses and I just got on my soapbox and went to town. This is a new blog I read about organizing when it seems overwhelming. I explained each step thoroughly. I told her that I want to help her so much but I get really frustrated because she won't let me. She said oh you can help you just preach a lot. I told her then I can't really help because I get so frustrated at no progress that I compulsively nag. She said it was important that she keep these things because her family has always gotten together to spend time and they are memories. Now she is talking about a Ziploc bag full of little trinkets that are 20 or 30 years old and broken with no actual purpose like a broken plastic box. What!? I told her that my mom's side of the family get together all the time. It doesn't make sense to me. Also, material things are not your memories...you will always have those. Sentimental things to me have use or meaning or value in my life. Not everything that belonged to someone you love is sentimental. She then said well I am very attached to my things I worked hard for them. I worked hard for everything I have...when I got sick and couldn't walk without tripping then I could see what I really wanted in my life and I knew that if someone else could find value in something that no longer serbed that purpose in my life then I wanted to give that person the ability to love something I may have loved at one time but it doesn't serve me anymore. I then just stopped and told myself...self what are you doing? You can't control this. Let it go. Now sing with me "Let it go! Let it go!!!" ❄ Wow my finger hurts. 😂 Dear God, please let this lesson sink in.



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Oh wow! Yep I am working on a book... The Musings of Tracy or should it be The Ventings of Tracy. 😂 Man I am sorry this was so long and honestly a bit choppy (sleep deprivation writings lol).

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All perfectly understandable though. Your step mom shows all the indications of pathological hoarding so she isn't going to throw anything away as she feels that the memories are the things. She will need to want to change and get psychological help before anything does change so yes "let it go" is your only hope.  She doesn't really want you to touch anything or to "help" so hopefully your can move out soon and leave her to it.

 

Fingers crossed for the disability hearing

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Oh my thank you ladies so so much!! I can't stay asleep - nerves - so I got to see your posts. 🙂 Tomorrow or this morning in 6.5 hours! I feel positive, anxious, but positive! Ok time to force the sleep! XOXOXOXO

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You know one thing I'd do Tracy? Seriously,  I would. 

This little bag of broken junk for example. Chuck it out. When she's not looking.  Told her you aren't sure where she's put it if she ever asks.

I'm certainly not into stuff everywhere. It affects you obviously, but as she gets older it will be impossible for her to move around without tripping etc.

 

Man, the stuff you have to put up with.

 

I'm glad you don't have visible disabilities, if you know what I mean.  But it must be so very difficult for you having invisible disabilities that she so easily forgets about, unintentionally or not.

 

She strikes me as the kind of woman who will never understand you and what you go through. 

 

She also never wants to get organised, that much is easy to tell.

 

So yes, you have the best advice for yourself...let it go.

 

Nothing you do or don't do, say or don't say is going to change anything. 

 

Vent away, by the way. It's all good.

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Janelle I 100% agree with you. This is my new focus on me. I'm trying really hard to control any and every reaction I have with my stepmom. I have made a pact with myself that I will remove myself from the situation...go to my room and shut the door, spend the night at my mom's or sister's, spend the night with my daughter or spend the night with a former co worker who is my good friend. I may become a bit of a hermit but this is only temporary. BTW I had my disability hearing yesterday and my lawyer says he is more than 99% positive I won my case. He only says he will not say absolutely yes because the judge did not use that word himself but let my lawyer and myself know I would receive a written letter stating his decision in 4-6 weeks. My lawyer had been a social security disability lawyer for around 35 years. I'm still exhausted from my anxiety experienced due to the hearing but I really think I got it. 😄Thank you Lord. Thank you, thank you.

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Tracy your writings help me think positively about loss of my home my belongings. Even now I enjoy things that are just senseless attachments.

My friend sends me surprise boxes. I give away things I will never use.

 

Our lives are not material. We are spiritual beings.

 

I am happy that you may get your own place eventually. Alone is a good thing.

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