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Thinking Out Loud

tmciriani

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*First let me put a disclaimer here. I am going to talk about faith (religion if I may) as it applies to me. I never want to make another feel that I am weighing their faith or lack of in any way than my own. I believe in acceptance and only strength in whatever faith you may practice. I love you just the same. If this will cause a negative feeling in someone please feel free to click out now. I would never want that.

I made a blog post yesterday that stated God had given me a gift. Just so you know...I grew up protestant and a Christian. My first church was Presbyterian and later in my teens my family began going to Baptist church. As an adult I myself have not continued this childhood tradition of meeting every Sunday for church. I have my own spirituality and still identify myself as Christian. My extended family on my father's side were never church going and for most of them this is still true. On my mom's side, however, faith, Christianity, church, etc. have always been pretty important. My mom is now married to my wonderful step dad who is a ordained minister (he no longer practices but does perform marriage service for our family if desired.). They are a praying, believing, faithful couple. Again, I accept everyone and their beliefs for who/what they are. I will always foster friendship no matter. My point is I'm not perfect and expect that from no one else...I accept you period. I am concerned that i may have said something that feels hurtful to another survivor. If so please accept my apology. You see this gift in my heart is because I have a wonderful supporting family who have stood by my side through 3 years of fighting for disability. They have prayed so many times for me and for positive help to come my way. I have been unable to work, removed my life savings to survive after stroke, have literally lost everything I possessed, live with my father and step mom, my sister has let me use her "extra" car since I moved to my dad's and pays the insurance, my mom pays for my medication, all of my belongings (nothing worth money really, just the small things I still owned when I moved into my dad's are in a storage unit that my mom and step dad pay. Heck, my mom pays for my gas to get to the grocery, to Dr. appointments or any other thing I need to drive to. If not then she, my step dad, my stepmom, and my sister take me. I am beyond thankful and I feel unbelievably blessed. I know I am. My stroke wasn't a gift. It was just what happened to me one day back in July 2015. It has and is the hardest thing I have had to endure health wise by a long shot. No gift there. I thankfully have acknowledged that out of all the bad I have taken some things away and have learned others. These things do not help my deficits but they have helped me to accept me today. I also feel blessed to have this...I know many have not received this insight themselves (hopefully yet 🙂). Still, no matter, I only wish you the very best. If anything stroke has a consequence that many feel. It can make you question, yourself, your beliefs, your faith, your body, your doctor, your abilities...simply your life. It can trigger grieving for who we once knew ourselves to be. It can make us angry...at many things. It can push us to lose hope even for a little while (or more). We may forget what our dreams were or feel they are unreachable. It can effect every aspect of our lives. We are each unique in person, beliefs, circumstances, history, our strokes, how we cope...all dynamics. I can honestly say for myself that I haven't given up, I want my dreams even if they may be different than they were before, I can finally feel I can look forward, I can finally believe in myself and in my future whatever that holds. My gift of what I feel is a prayer heard and answered. I am beyond thankful. My stroke was not a gift but my faith has given me the strength to fight and hope. I hope your beliefs, faith, or whatever you have in your life lifts you. Thank you all for all your support the last couple of years. I couldn't have felt this way without it.



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Tracy, I find at this stage of my life I am grateful for so many things. Circumstances are not always perfect but I believe in hope, and hope makes life doable. I was glad to find out from your blog that many people are helping you through the lean times you have been through.  (((hugs))).

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Tracy that was beautifully said.

The holy spirit is strong within you...I for one (of many) know that anything you say is out of kindness and respect. 

May your apology be truly accepted and appreciated. 

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Hope...Sue it's that word. It means something more. I wish for us all to gran it and hold on. Thank you. Janelle thank you, for so many things, I feel good inside hearing your comment. I'm so glad I am here and have you and so many others to talk with, share good or bad, to simply have have as my friend (regardless if we are 1/2 a world away)! (((Hugs))) <---- Sue I am copying your hugs...I like your version! 🙂

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Tracy :

 

beautifully said, I feel I am more spiritual than religious person  & I find comfort from all religions. For me my faith in higher power who one can call whatever they feel comfortable with, my faith in higher power gives me hope to hang on when my depression was making all situation look so bleak, I held on tight on my family's strength till I found my own inner strength back. So anyway I am actually thankful to stroke it made me the person I am very proud of  today. I feel I have grown up so much & learnt to be better human being after dealing with my own adversity. I feel we all are spiritual being having human experience.

 

Asha

 

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Tracy today I'm celebrating life. So very grateful to be here. 

So much sadness around at the moment.  

Two years ago today,  my father in law died.

Too many other sad things to explain, not related to my family but devastating nonetheless. 

Hopefully midnight mass will bring peace to my heart.

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Thank you Tracy.

Midnight mass did indeed lift my spirits,  and Christmas day was lovely. 

Hot, but lovely. 

I hope you had a wonderful day.

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Janelle I forget you guys are opposite of us climate wise. It's hard to wrap my head around lol. I suppose snow flakes and happy snowmen are fun change of pace. Something about the holidays that just puts things into perspective. I'm glad mass lifted your spirits. This time of year for me is a double edge sword sort of. I love all of the spirit in the air but it is also cold, barren, and blah (case of winter blues). Anyway, my joints and hands really do not like it. It will wear off come spring 🙂🌻.

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I love what you said. I was raised catholic and ,to be honest, I stopped going to church. That mainly has been a part of my brain damage. I've lost the ability to believe. It sounds crazy but I lost the having faith ;' like having faith when you rest yourself over a chair and bend your legs, you'll rest on the seat'. ( that was told to me by my mothers pastor) I see the basic if it's there.. well that's the logical conclusion. It's so hard for me to explain but with my memory issues, I live in the now. I mean now now.   My mother thinks I'm not going to go to heaven because I follow the Philosophy of Buddhism. If you look at the basic fundamentals of Buddhism and Christianity, they're practically one-in-the-same.  My basic out look is, it is no business of mine how you practice a religion or spirituality is your business. Who am I to say whether one way is better than another. I believe we all do what we need to do to keep ourselves going. If prayer is what anyone needs to make their heart happy, then do it.   I love everyone ,  regardless of their life choices, and try to share that with my children. We are all beautiful people 

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Kelli I love what you said too...and visual aids - always a plus. I have not really practiced Buddhism but I will tell you that I do and have found inner peace in writings. Beautiful writings...good for anyone's soul is my thought.  Thank you 🙂.

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