I sat on the table with a pair of leggings on and a thin robe undone clutched around me like a shield warding off the words no woman or man wants to hear.
And No person with CPS can tolerate.
The radiologist wants me to schedule a biopsy ASAP for 2 suspicious spots in my L breast.
I said BUT I am going to have an electrode implanted.
Then the following words floated in the air hovering over me making sense no xsense then just being:
"Oh you people who don't want to live another day in pain are hard to convince early detection saves lives."
Wait what?So I almost cancelled this appointment for mammogram redo plus ultrasound because imagine they removed the wires connected to a battery to a computer program HELPING me be comfortable for the first time in nearly 5 years. Who else knows what pain for 5 years feels like or lets word it this way who else did not want to live another day because of pain? We are a real group of human beings.
We who do not want to face another day....
How about this:
"We who face each day in pain.Despite pain."
And hear this from the mountain top!:
I have had a mammogram EVERY year since turning 40. Including going to a cancer treatment center at medical center at university hospital at the best machines. Every year even since my stroke.
I have vestibular problems. I find standing and balancing difficult during the test. I ask them to turn off the 2 tv's with imax relaxing movies that make me wanna puke and fall over. I find that squeeze extra horrible on my numbish yet not painless right stroke side. I do it for early detection. I watched family members care too late.
By the way. I also took my blood pressure medication yet here is stroke at my side every day with pain every day.
So last year I found a necklace getting a mammo. This year I found suspicios probably not cysts in 2 places.
I want to cut off my breast. It feels contaminated now. Even before the verdict.
But the conversation was that pain was not an important issue. She said it with a smirk. Ok please let us be honest here. How many stroke survivors have not been able to live with the pain? Suicide is not something people actually talk about. So please excuse me if I feel strong and confident that I have continued to live the days given days required in the pain required. That is not scoffable. I did not allow her to insult me belittle my pain experience.
I said I wanted 2nd opinion. She showed it to department head.
Also they insert a tag on the thing that proves to be beneign so in future no one will biopsy it.great.efficient.
Yep unfair. All my head screams. This pain is punishment enough.
Will I be joining another support group?Hey is there one for those extra achievers with multiple problems.
I realize I must take care of both.
Can I fight cancer while in pain?
Can I get the biopsy??
Alright. Indulge my mental wanderings.
The wires were removed. The burn returned. All that pain. I long for meds before due time. No one sees how it hurts unless I call out but then they scold me.be patient. Wait your turn. Be stronger I tell myself.
To go in public I must shower.
I did 3 weeks trial.3 weeks sponge baths.3 weeks washing hair in the sink.
So I showered.sitting. But every pain felt. Oh I went in right after pill so covered. I was wheeled over to the showers.
Going to my bathroom hurts
Walking the halls hurts
Pain surrounds me.
When it hurts I hold my breath and then my chest hurts and they tell me Breathe!
Getting out hurts.
So I do not schedule.
I wait for electrode surgery day.
My day is this...moving and standing very little. Coloring and music to help me endure it. I not visiting. I hurt.I not having Xmas but I celebrate by prayer and communion. Alive. Blessed to live. But there is a life with comfort.somewhere.
I cuddle with my sherpa xmas blanket I snuggled with in the car going to the old xmas lights that I took the kids to.