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New Beginnings and Old History

tmciriani

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I think 2019 could hold so many happy beginnings. I'm excited, a little scared, feel blessed and look forward...something I haven't done in a long time. I have never lived alone! Believe it or not I'm 47 and have always lived with someone else. For the first time ever I am really looking forward to living with just me. 🙂 (and Kitty) I'm trying to take in all the new things happening since I was approved for disability. SSI, Medicaid, SSDI, Medicare, retroactive benefits...it's all a lot. So I'm taking it one day at a time...thinking about planning...trying not to think too much lol. Of course this all comes during the holidays which for me seems to be awash with anxiety this year. It's different. My brother passed this year, it's been a year and a half since I've been single, my daughter is having a rough time financially and emotionally, and I feel a weird sense of alone. I know I'm not...my mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, sister and brother in law, his 4 kids (my nieces and nephews), my sister's kids (niece's and nephews), and all my extended family. I am far from alone. I have secrets though, things I don't talk about often. When I was 3 days old I was adopted (my birth mom was my dad's sister [I call my adopted parents mom and dad btw] and my birth father was a family friend). Both have passed several years ago. My birth mom of a massive heart attack...my birth dad of a brain tumor. So I guess some of my history will always be unknown. This is the first year I have reached out to my two half sisters and something happened that scared me (not good for PBA ); so I haven't reached out since. It's not my half sister's fault which makes me feel bad that I had to step back but I did what I had to do. My whole family including my two half sisters knew about me (the truth). I grew up completely bonding with my family. They are my dad, my mom, my sister, my late brother, etc. etc. My half sister's, however, have emotions about me. So do my dad and his other sister. Recently my aunt and one of my half sisters said how my birth mom was never ok after she gave me up. When I was grown with my daughter around 2 at the time she came to my dad's while we were there. She couldn't stay around me and she wept quietly outside. My dad even had wet eyes and there I was not knowing how to feel but there were no tears. When she passed I was with my then husband and Hailey on our way to Disney World. So when I wasn't at the funeral it bothered my half sisters. It's been something I haven't been able to deal with since then. I did reach out this year...after my brother's sudden death. I just kept thinking "you never know what life can bring you the next day...no regrets." It was a moment...I wonder if it sounds horrible that I just say that. My stepmom had to say something to my dad's sister about saying things to me like "I really feel that Betty (my birth mom's  name) mourned herself to death over you. I think giving you up had a lot to do with her death." My half sister says the same thing to me. Well how the f<¿|| do you think that makes me feel. Not only have I felt like I don't belong anywhere at times but to add the knowledge of another person grieving themselves to death over me. It's just too much. I was fluffing 3 days old...it does not help me in any way to know that another made a choice about me and it was a horrible decision for her sanity. I am not responsible period. But these things hurt me inside and I tend to place that pain (whether I should or not) deep down in me. So it will visit me at moments. I don't think my mom, dad, sister, etc. know I feel this way. Inner demons...I suppose we all have one. So Happy New Year and pray this 2019 year brings happiness, healing, direction, and prosperity. (((HUGS)))



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There is really nothing we can do about our past and we've all done things we are ashamed of, worried about or  find distressing when we look back on them.  But somehow we have to reconcile that and move forward with our lives. I have to say to myself sometimes" Not my fault, not my problem." Naturally I hope the other person can see that too but if they can't I try not to stress about it. I guess that comes with age though.  Hope you have a fantastic year Tracy. You can think about what others say but you don't have to accept responsibility for it.

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Oh Tracy, big hugs to you my gorgeous friend.

The family is laying their grief and guilt right at your door.

Keep that door closed to that...you are so right, you were 3 days old.  The only thing you had to do with it all is that you were there. 

Let it go. Don't let them interfere with your inner peace. 

That's a very childish and selfish thing for them to do.

You are right...you and Kitty have so much to look forward to in 2019...bring it on. 

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Tracy :

 

wish you happy, healthy & prosperous New year. We all have to take responsibilities for our choices we made in life, that created our destiny. you can not blame any one. We all need to forgive ourselves & move forward. Your mom made her choices based on what she thought was right thing to do for her, which she might have regretted later. But oh well, we all make mistakes, it was nothing to do with you. you start living & enjoying your life. reading your blog makes me realize oh man I have also never lived alone & it must feel so scary to take care of everything alone, but I know its doable & must feel so empowering too. I will be praying for you. piece of advice from immigrant who came in this country with nothing but willing to work hard & start my married life "penny saved is equivalent to penny earned". cooking at home has lot of benefits, you save money & end up eating healthy food.

 

Asha

 

 

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I couldn't agree with any of you anymore than I do. Thanks again for allowing me "to get it out". It helps me. Thank you for being a friend to each of you. 🙂

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Tracy another friend here saying It was not and is not your fault or your responsibility. You are in no way responsible for how your birth mother felt long term about her decision about you.  And if a funeral happens while you are out of town then again that's not your responsibility or even in your control.  Life happens and you do not need to take on their guilt or discomfort about ancient history that cannot be changed.

Yesterday is done and you don't get a do over so face forward and take the next step.

Living alone is both scary and rewarding. You and kitty are going to have a blast, and yes there will not be a lot of spare cash for treats but living your own life your way is a treat of a different sort.

 

Here's to a fabjoyous 2019 for everyone.

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