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Always waiting

swilkinson

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I went to the throat specialist, he said the thyroid operation was the way to go but probably the right side of the thyroid removed would be sufficient. I don't know how I feel about that. Anyway I agreed and now await an operation date, probably in May. He also asked me if I wanted to have the brain aneurysm surgery first but as the thyroid is the lesser recovery time I said let's do it first. This may be the wrong decision but I hope not. I really miss having someone else who can help me make decisions now as my family say: " It is your decision Mum."

 

The weather has suddenly got colder, last night was a cold snap bringing a dusting of snow to the Snowy Mountains and the cold winds came north to us. Then today it rained and I spent my gardening time rearranging my autumn wardrobe. I have a lot of clothes available, I just keep recycling them every year. Some of my clothes must be almost vintage now. I come from the mix and match separates era so it is a matter of matching blouses to jackets to skirts or pants to shoes etc. Of course the thick stockings I am wearing will be less obvious in winter which is a bonus.

 

I had a enjoyable week out west in an area called the New England District going out by train to go to a friend's 70th birthday party. Another couple stayed with him too, old friends from way back so it was a time of reminding each other of shared events and the fun times we had. Of course that would once have included Ray which made me a little sad. I guess you never get over a loss, just spend less time thinking about it. Those 44 years together will always be a background to whatever is happening to me now.

 

The next event will be Trevor and Alice coming here for the school holidays towards the end of April. While they are here they hope to go to the Royal Easter Show in Sydney, to Taronga Zoo and possibly the Australian Reptile Park so I shall hardly see them. I love having them here and of course it means having the other grandkids visit too and mayhem all round. For a week it is great fun. Of course Christopher is in University now so I will probably just have Naomi visit this holiday. Life changes all the time doesn't it?

 

When I came back from my inland visit I had the house lights fuse, seems some of the house wiring may need replacing. Actually I need it all reviewed now. That is one of the problems with a house like this that has been built onto a few times, you forget how old some of it is, the original three rooms having been built in 1959!  We bought it in late '60s and as our family grew more had to be added onto it to accommodate us. I sure miss Ray for that too, where is my lovely handyman husband now when I need him? 

 

Life somehow is always a mix of happy and sad for me. I hate being a widow. I loved being a member of a couple, it always felt safe to me. Not that Ray and I were the perfect couple but someway or another we always managed to compromise. A new friend said to me: " Sounds like you were always fighting." but it wasn't like that. And of course there were all the years of me looking after him but I always included him in the decision making as much as I could. That is what a true partnership is about.

 

This is a blog about the way life is as I live it now, I have some freedom but it comes at a price. That price is loneliness. There are certain advantages, like I sleep at night without that voice calling: "Sue can you help me?" I still sometimes dream that. I miss Ray. And life is not as good without him. End of story.



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Sue beautifully written. 44 years... You know a thing or two about marriage. A well earned right. I can't even imagine your view... Thank you for sharing it. Wisdom from a long memorable marriage is something so many need to hear. In America it is the norm rather the few who divorce... me included. I smile when you speak of Ray and that your marriage was work, filled with ups and downs, the "things" you guys did for each other. The reality that is now... it's lonely, you miss your partner in life, everything always brings you back to memories of your life together. Wise - wisdom. I truly hate that the now has you meandering this life without your Ray. My heart goes out to you Sue. I see you as an inspiration for many. 

I am praying for you, that all your upcoming medical choices all go through without any issues. Have much fun with your visitors coming. Those days will be filled with memories to carry along with you. Thank you for sharing. 

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Dearest Sue,

Now is filled with challenges, obstacles that are not deserved by one who lived a life as selfless as you did. But somehow I have a feeling that Ray lurks in the background, just like that movie, an old black and white....what is it....anyway true love lasts to give strength, not misery,yet we long,and miss happy days.

My true loves were my children.

I dream they were little again. I rode in a van I used to have. Miserable ride. I did not cry though. I miss driving, freedom, my children, all of our outings

Being a Mother. All those vacations,still never enough.

 Sue Enjoy Now with grandkids to give them memories,stories of 44 years. I see you and Ray early 60s, over down under,riding trains in open country, buying a little fixer upprer, making a life! Wow!

 

I feel you,Sue. Surgery is terrifying. But follow your zensibilities. Lol. Hey look, I made up a NEW GOOD word.

Recovery takes planning. My old professor was a counselor,taught me how to work with my school teenagers in groups,and put us through it. She told story that we need comfort. She said she had a favorite teddy bear. And when she had surgery she put her teddy bear on the couch along with her favorite throw blanket. She talked about how it was there to comfort her. She was very happy just see it when she got home and it helped her soul which helped her body heal. She reminded me that we are more than just what our bodies are. We are souls. I think sometimes I forget especially on my body is causing me way more problems then my soul is. And I guess I should be grateful that I am not as concerned about my body when I am taking care of my soul. She taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable to be afraid and to be comforted. You see my family it was always about not taking pain medicine and being strong I'm not shedding a tear and not saying that you were fearful and everything was just fine. That is a lie. Things are scary, hurtful, lonely in real life. Bodies hurt,souls hurt. It is no sin to want pain relief. For all that hurts us.

 

So be comfortable.do what you must. But you are a warrior too.

 

God bless your procedures.

You give lots of love so it will return to you.

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Thank you for your kind words Pam. I am just waiting now for the three specialists to work out what the most necessary operation is and where it needs to be done. Waiting is hard but I simply fill in the days with my usual routine. Life can be good whatever your circumstances.

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Sue,

As usual your writings are so inspiring.  I hate to hear that you have medical issues to deal with.  But, yes I understand the day to day life that a caregiver has.  It has been almost 8 months since William passed.   Yes, like you, I sometimes think that I hear "Ruth, where are you?"   .   I have been keeping myself busy.  I Spend hours at the gym and physically exhaust myself so that I sleep soooo well.   I have gotten involved with the church and made new friends.  Life has been good to me.  I still love learning and take classes at the local community college.  

Please take care of yourself.    I pray for you constantly.

Ruth

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