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here I go again

nancyl

Entry posted by nancyl

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Im not sure how to write this--- do I take the high road ? Or the low road... ? I guess my present situation is the "BOTH" situation. My brother has been very sick . He ultimately has been diagnosed with liver cancer with no hope of effective treatment. It is terminal. He was given approx. 4 months to live. Guess where he is at ? YUP- my house. He is a bachelor, so no wife or kids to lean on. My older sister don't want him dying at her house and the rest of the family just shrugged their shoulders. I don't want the guy to feel unloved or uncared for. So I have him here until it gets to the point of nursing home necessity. 

He was diagnosed with diabetes about 5 years ago -- was always active and healthy. Not overweight and he was a very active sportsman physical worker kinda guy. But here we are. His energy level is nil - .

I'm happy enough to help him , but of course Dan who is in the nursing home - is smelling a rat. Is feeling like - HEY - Nancy can take care of him- but not me, her husband! So far he is understanding - sorta - . I understand his resentment ( and its not as overt as I may have made it sound). 

Ive been doing ok with my depression and trying to ration my energy . But having another person to care for is more than I wanted to do. But DAMN no one gets to choose - yes I could just shrug to and say gee- I'd like to help , but ( insert excuse ). But Im just not that person. Poor boundaries some people say . But I guess when I meet my maker I wanna have errored on the side of have done to much rather than the gal who wrings her hands and says geez, I would, but I can't, so I won't. 

But my brother earl is another eggshell guy . He has a history of tantrums ( thus bachelor) but he has always known his limits and would just leave when he felt anger. But now he can't leave. So far no issues - but Im pretty aware of his hot spots. My younger sister comes and looks in on him while Im at work for a hour or two. But boy when she don't have to she don't. 

Frankly Im feeling a bit used by my family . I somehow ended up taking care of all his work issues ( there is a lot to do - FMLA and leave benefits- insurance etc. ) and just when I think I got something taken care of another issue pops up. And about 50% of his medical information and appts. we gotta travel 200 miles one way for apps and no matter what - that crap never gets coordinated. I made it clear to the family I DID NOT WANT THE LEGAL/ SCHEDULING / FINANCIAL -- But here I am .... I so smart - Ive been through it etc. etc. and honestly I am and I have - but that is their cue to just dump it on me. 

Any how Im just bitchin- and I coulda just wrung my hands and ran away. But if everyone had " Boundries " no one would ever help anyone. I hear people preaching that -- and I get that but when you truly think on it what is that? If Jesus had boundries- -----

 

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swilkinson

Some of us have a sign over our heads that says: "Bring your problems here." And so we end up as caregivers. But that is a good thing as well as a bad thing.I have just explained to a friend that most of my remaining friends are from my caregiver days, most of my happiest memories too. You know what you have to do. And this time you will know when to hand his care on to someone else. But try to remember to look after yourself too. (((hugs))).

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Willis

You are a Saint nancyl! I truly believe God takes us in His arms primarily by what He knows is in our hearts. I think His arms are going to be wide open and waiting the day you get there. Someone said: " I don't know how you do it." The reply was: "No one gave me a choice". ✌️

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nancyl
On 11/1/2019 at 10:56 PM, swilkinson said:

Some of us have a sign over our heads that says: "Bring your problems here." And so we end up as caregivers. But that is a good thing as well as a bad thing.I have just explained to a friend that most of my remaining friends are from my caregiver days, most of my happiest memories too. You know what you have to do. And this time you will know when to hand his care on to someone else. But try to remember to look after yourself too. (((hugs))).

True Sue-- unfortunately or fortunately depending on the vantage point..... I make a joke outta earshot -- my house is the place people come to die.. I recognize thats a warped sense of humor --- but warped sometimes helps get you through. I am most definitely am trying hard to "keep me" and feel like I have . Taking care of my brother who is "mine" raised by my family similar values / issues . Has taught or reminded me that when someone is sick or disabled they can become selfish, they feel that badly. They forget the "niceties" . So in that aspect Ive been able to remember Dan feels and acts the same way. So that is incredibly helpful in my caregiving journey with him. In all actuality - Dan is doing well, he isn't as rough. Of course overnight after I clean him ( Dan ) up to go to bed I kiss him on the cheek and repeat to him -- be NICE -- Be Nice..... And he does have some staff at the home he cares about and has some connection - but I do reign supreme. Although sometimes I wonder if its that he cares or pretending to care... Cant tell - but -- Hey I guess Ill take it. It is what it is !!! -- No one on this website has ever said that. 

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