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Hear me out.. I'm not ostentatious.. i swear


ksmith

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So hear me out... I'm not  snooty.. promise

 

For the past 12 years, I've been taken care of. meaning, when I had my stroke I was married and my husband ( now ex) was taking care of the monies and life was good . When we got divorced, I moved in with my parents so, again, I wasn't paying the bills. I have money in my savings but I try not to touch it unless REALLY important.

 I found an "apartment' but went to an association and now a condo right down the road, literately.  merely .5 miles ( .8km) so I have them nearby if I need them. My neighbors know I had a stroke and are helpful, when needed.  I, thankfully, was able to buy it out right so no mortgage but just HOA fees. My ex husband is  union electrician and makes GREAT money. He also is still one of my best friends and he allowed my younger sons SSID, through me, because we have joint custody and he knows what I get a month for social security he gets in about a week and a half.

 

That said ...

 

I really never realized how lucky I was.

 

I don't want to come across as  pretentious for I truly am not.

It is more like a fresh divorce .... even through I've been divorced for years.. or like finally being on my own.. I hope that makes sense....

 

 

I got a letter from Social Security that said , and it's true, in March my son who has been getting the Social Security  is going to be 18 so it'll stop. Well of course ...

 

But it was ... not something I thought of.

That'll be a loss of $640 a month. OK but you have your SSDI you get.. well yes but I had to get a job so have enough for bills. It's not cheap to live in NJ. My parents have said it's fine to move back in if I need to. Heck, my dad already has plans to transform their den ( which was a garage that he transformed into a 'bedroom' when I left my abusive ex partner in Florida...with our son ..now he is 27 and he and his partner have my grandson in Florida )  So bottom line,  my parents rock.

 

So they offered to have me legally rent my place ,to my niece pay the bills and I move back to my parents. And they'd welcome it. I'm just uncomfortable with that for, she is responsible but there is history behind it. Or I can sell my place and I'd get my money back. The more I type this down, the more I sound contradictory but I know, at the end of the day, I'll be OK.

 

My father said give it a year and within that time if I run into financial issues, he can help. They aren't rich but comfortable. He gets his teachers his teachers pension plus Social Security (and mom gets SSI) and because he is over 66, he can make all he wants and he drives the activity school bus to sports games, for the school he worked for, and during the summer he is the beach director at the beach in the town I grew up in and makes more then I do with SSDI and part of the jobs pay from May-Sept. He would give you the shirt off his back... my entire family, like most of yours, puts family first. I feel horrible to take anything from them because they have always done so much for me and my sister and I want them to just worry about what they are going to watch on TV lol.  But that's why family does. I'm lucky to have my family and I know that

 

I cancelled my cable TV and only kept my WiFi but at a less speed. Bundled up more and kept my heat a little cooler than what I would have. I guess the one good thing about my surgery I can't really eat food. I;m not going to  not eat but less snacking and going out to eat , when my son comes.  I can pay my bills every month, which is the most important thing, but putting extra money into savings for taxes is going to be harder and I'm not going to get a lump at the end of the month just scattered so tight.

 

If I took from my savings , I'd be stuck at the end of year with paying tax on it.  I've never got anything back and had to owe...  guess that is pretty self-explanatory

 

If it sounds like I'm whining... kinda but it's weird to say this but I've never been on my own.. I hope that makes sense.

I swear every word I type i sound like  spoiled shite. I feel like an a$$hole for even talking about this for I admire , truly admire all the stories I hear about we all do what we have to do.

 

 I'm a big girl and I know we must think like we are lotus flower. We grow no matter where we are and least expected. But we grow. I just wanted to write this down. I try not to talk about personal,, like this, often for I know it may sound, pretentious  and that is not becoming  but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'm good just like the times we are in, situations can change in a moment and that's the way the cookie crumbles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Kellie, I get it!  I've always made a decent salary and had plenty of funds for holidays etc. when I wanted. But within 2 years of my stroke I discovered I was living outside my means for the first time in my life. It was a shock. During that time I was getting 75% of my pre stroke income via disability insurance. It wasn't really that much less but it was enough less that I couldn't do it in my head any more (or was that the stroke 🙂)

My Mum bailed me out with a lump sum payment, after she got me to do a written budget and an assessment of all the things I was spending money on and deciding what I was willing/able to compromise on. Like you I was living at home at the time and the house bills were being paid by my parents.  Since then I haven't had to ask her for help financially, I even managed the cut in salary I had to take a couple of years later because I could no longer do my technical job  I have also moved out on my own again.

 

Enough about me but yes I feel you and especially the not wanting to lean on your parents any more than absolutely necessary.  We know they will give us what we need regardless of what it means for their own quality of life, and we don't want them making sacrifices for us now we are grown up and supposed to be independent. I do recommend doing a formal budget of what your incoming and outgoings are and what of your spending is realistically changeable on a long term basis. Only make decisions about selling your place, accessing your savings, and/or moving once you know where you stand.  Write your backup plans down with their pros and cons and then make a decision and get on with doing it. I find the act of writing it all down gets it out of your head and stops you worrying at it.

 

Good luck and hugs

-Heather

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You are absolutely correct and I’m so glad that you understood what I was trying to say. That’s another reason why I don’t blog that much for I can’t always correctly convey my thoughts. You also reminded me that I have to listen to what I tell people for sometimes I have similar suggestions but I guess that’s something that I (we) tend not to do. . I have been making a sincere effort to focus on my ‘wants and needs’. I mean it sounds silly but I’m 46, I think lol and never really lived on my own to gain the insights to do what needs  happen to be  successful . And now, post stroke, I’m lucky if I balance my checkbook within $20.  Lol. ( the worst thing is I worked in banking forever...ha ha ha ) My son and family are staying on top of me. You have such wonderful advice .

 

cheers 🙏image.png

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Kelli when you are budgeting leave a little aside for treats. Our financial advisor at Lifeline said people break their budget if it is too tough. I made bargain hunting into a game when we were young and poor and congratulated ! myself on every saving. Do what works best for you.

 

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Oh yes the fun of working out what is a want and what is a need. That was one of the hardest parts of setting up the budget.  And yes Sue some indulgences are "needs" it about making a decision with your eyes open and the long term in mind. A meal out or takeaway may be a need sometimes, especially at the end of a working week.  But if you know how much "space" there is you can balance how often you do something like that.  This applies to diets as much as it does to financial budgets

 

And Kelli we are all masters of "do as I say not as I do!" 

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kelli  :

 

I agree with heather you should use google sheet & make income & expenses statement & budgeting. lot of time we need to differentiate between our needs & wants & while grocery shopping paying attention & buying right product & using coupons available to reduce bills also helps, being mindful about our spending do we need amazon prime or netflix subscriptions. Its good to have great family support but its good to be responsible fr one's self. you are brave women & doing great job.

Asha

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My three columns are

 

Need

Want

Desire

 

It's amazing what we think we really need actually is a desire.

 

We aren't rich, but we don't go without.  So I'm hearing you Kelli; it's quite difficult talking finances and it all sounding 'right'. 

 

But in the end, doesn't matter how it sounds. As long as you are happy with whatever living situation you find yourself,  it's all good.

 

💚👑

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So true Janelle, and having to justify to my mother the things I had put in the need column that she saw as a desire, was actually a useful exercise, although also emotionally difficult.

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On 1/13/2021 at 10:56 PM, GreenQueen said:

My three columns are

 

Need

Want

Desire

 

It's amazing what we think we really need actually is a desire.

 

We aren't rich, but we don't go without.  So I'm hearing you Kelli; it's quite difficult talking finances and it all sounding 'right'. 

 

But in the end, doesn't matter how it sounds. As long as you are happy with whatever living situation you find yourself,  it's all good.

 

💚👑

I Have been using this everyday. I  made plans with my mom to go to a thrift store and within 5 mins I called her back and said;' Do it need it or Do I want it'

 

Thank you for the mantra  xxooxx

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This entire thread resinates with me! Before my ex did a very not nice thing (a year after my stroke) and I left him and pursued my disability and my life... I had never lived alone. Seriously never. I was always the budget maker etc. Now my budget making skills are lacking a lot due to executive function defecits from the stoke. In other words I suck at it. Once I did get my disability. I had to utilize every bit of help I could find and now I live in my own home (OK one side of a duplex but it's my home). I am responsible for 100% of my bills, needs, wants, desires, etc. With just SSDI it is not a lot. I pretty much survive by not allowing anything beyond necessary. Ya'll it freaking lonely and depressing... But I feel so happy being on my own I don't think I want to share me with anyone at least not now. I still battle over what is a need, a want, etc. I mean I really feel like my monthly visit to Dollar Tree is a need for craft supplies. OK maybe a sanity need but doesn't that count. I digress, I find my budget never fits what I perceive as my needs and I have to make constant decisions to forego my sanity fund (lol). I can only imagine Kelli and I feel I can so understand your delemna. My family is constantly telling me I have start supplementing my SSDI and I don't feel like I can get out there and do it yet and my Dr. says he does not OK me "working" in any general sense of the word. But my reality is what it is and I know things will have to change eventually for me to survive. The whole thing is a anxiety ridden struggle. I certainly have never been in my current situation before. Each new day is 100% new. My brains ability to even process it is questionable. The struggle is real. I'm here for a whine hearing if ever needed lol I probably will hope for reciprocation. In all cases all of you have my ❤️

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Happy to provide moral support whenever needed Tracy, and yes Sanity needs (craft supplies) are needs although you do need to remember they are also treats and be sparing.

((HUGS))

Heather

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