Today, 05:13 AM Post #1

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Group: Members

Posts: 85

Joined: 19-March 04

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Feb 24 2005, 05:23 AM

Age: 53

From: Carriere. Mississippi

Member No.: 2577

hello Survivors and Caregivers

As some of you who know my writting can attest, I sometimes convey an attitude in my words. I dont mean to direct them to any single indivdual, I write about the things I observe around me, the things that I see in myself that make me angry. Since my first stroke in May of 2003, I keep hearing well intenioned people say things like " Think Positive", "Things could always be worse". " I know its hard but you have always been so strong." I know people say things like this in a well meaning spirit, but you know. I wonder how they expect me or caregivers to "Think Positive" when we cant process or internalize the things that have torn our lives apart, Changed us both in ways I am still trying to understand after 2 years. OH and the occasional visiting realitive or friend that tells us just how to make everything perfect again if only we pray alittle harder, as they are walking out our doors. Again I belive they do mean well in all their ignorance.

Two and a half years ago I had dreams of a financially secure life where My wife and I could travel or spend our days swinging under a shady oak, carefree and sipping our tea.

Well here I am still trying to process and internilize what happened to me two years ago. The truth is after all that time I still dont quite understand what or why our lives changed so drastically for. After working thru the denial, the depression, the anger, and reinventing myself, I have fought and struggled to bring who I was back into the light. My mind doese'nt process like that anymore, as I can only see the foggy shadow of who and what I once was.

SO when somebody says" think positively and everything will be just fine," I cant help but cop a little attitude. In reality things dont always get better, they just get different. Yes we can make the best of a bad situation. Yes we can keep our faith in our God. Yes that faith can help relive some of the suffering we and others have to endure daily. But the fact is both survivors and caregivers were struck by lightening at the same time, and I know that all the positive thinking in the world wont clear away that foggy shadow and return me or the life I once had to where it was before lightening struck.

I've reached the point now where I wish someone would just say"William THINK, then process what you just thought about." That aknowledges me, and brings about personal growth.

I've reached the point where I wish someone would say "William I am proud of how far you've come. You have overcome so much adverisity and hardship." That would tell me that "I" as a human being can still grow.

I've reached the point now where I wish someone would say "William I cant imagine what you have had to endure, but I have seen your pain and I will be here if you need to talk." That would show empathy and acceptance of me. I would know I had a true friend I could talk too eye to eye with.

The following is part of a poem by "Kahlil Gibran" from his book "The Prophet"

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame wel lfrom which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more Joy you can contain.

THINK POSITIVE William