I read Jean's blog and her first blog entry so I'm being unoriginal and was wandering around my blog for hours today(19 pages!) I found my first blog entry and a year and a half ago when I wrote it, I didn't think I'd keep blogging. But I have and I brought this blog out of the mold and shadows because for the most part I feel the same way. I never did get to design and renovate the barn, well there is a very good reason I didn't.
Enjoy the resurrected past.......
Entry Today- day one
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entry Jan 7 2005, 12:27 PM
Well history is being made, my first blog entry. It is 10 a.m. and I am showered and dressed. Wonders never cease! Well really we are refinancing our mortgage and today is the closing, so I had no choice but to be on the ball today.
Once we refinance, I'll get a line of credit to renovate our small barn in our backyard into a small little house for me. I'm excited about renovating and designing and decorating the barn. It is a whole new life and chapter. I'm looking forward to it. Actually I'm looking forward to the whole idea of being single and getting on with the job of creating my new post stroke life. I have been in limbo for three years. Waiting for the spouse I had to get on with acceptance, to be by my side helping to create this new life. But one can only wait around so long for someone to get their act together.
I thank god I had the stroke. By having the stroke I believe that my eyes were opened to many things.
Living my life doing things that are important to my inner life.
Being free from the social restrictions or obligations that I was wrapped up tightly in.
A chance to really see my choice of a life partner.
An opportunity to expand my mind learning about zen and the chance to explore other ways of thinking. I'm not just existing on auto pilot anymore.
I never would have learned to use the computer, never explored the internet, never met the friends I have.
I am alive and healthy and retired and I have the blank canvas of a whole new life stretching in front of me, what more can I ask for? I'm not knocked down, used up, or finished by this event called stroke. I am empowered and taught by it. I have been given a chance to make a life again, reminded by a ghost of christmas past what I once wanted out of my life. I've been not so gently reminded that I lost sight of what was important at one time. I sold out my ideals to have the life that was ripped from me. I do not waste time anymore yearning for what once was. I see the error of my past ways. Maybe I judge myself harshly, but I am trying to live each day honestly, free from the considerations of society and self.
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