• entries
    107
  • comments
    391
  • views
    16,625

Summer of Change


givincare

870 views

Well, we finally made it. The move is over, the miles behind us, and a new frontier lays ahead.

 

It seems many of us here on Strokenet are making changes in our personal lives. I would call this, "The Summer of Change". For me, the location of where we live is the smallest of the changes I want to make this year. The real change I want to make, IS me.

 

I have been thinking for quite some time about my personality traits, or "character flaws" and there are some things I really want to overcome. I want to be more "myself" in social situations, and in general, make more connections with people and be less self-absorbed.

 

I can look at my childhood and realise why I am the way I am today. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. The real challange is to know the "whys" and actually DO something different. It's not accepting the excuses, and its making yourself step out of your comfort zone. My comfort zone is near isolation. Only close family or an old friend or two know ME (in real time, I should say).

 

I don't want to live here like I did in Illinois and have no friends. I will not let the excuse of my work schedule and home life allow me to be here in isolation anymore. I do have an advantage here of having family, including a SIL who maybe I can do "girl things" with, maybe even latch on to a few of her friends- LOL.

 

My desire though, is not really about "doing lunch" or whatever it is that friends do together. It's not even the desire for outside companionship. Let's face it, if my comfort zone is when I am alone, then you can guess that hanging out is not a huge priority. I want to be comfortable when I am in a situation with strangers or near strangers, that I will speak up and BE PART OF THE MOMENT. I am tired of being the one who blends in to the background, afraid someone will say something to me, and me having nothing to say back.

 

I want to have the confidence in myself to know that I can carry on a conversation with someone, and be able to....CARRY A CONVERSATION!! I don't know how else to put it! It's like, I can be listening to someone and be interested in what they are saying, but somehow I can't find an intelligent question to ask to keep the conversation flowing! Or, I may have a question or thought on the topic, but there are all these little buffers and censors that go off in my head that keep me from saying much at all.

 

And because all these censors keep me from asking questions or commenting about someone else, then all that is left to talk about is ME, or MY experience with it, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I already know ME!!! Ugh.

 

I find it hard to just empathize AND SHOW my caring. I always know it is there, but how do they if I can't find the words to say it? The warm, fuzzy, nurturing type has never been me, and that I don't expect to change. I would, however, like to leave behind the illusion of a thick skin. I would like to put my emotions and thoughts more on the line. I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt, and stop being afraid of hurting. I will be hurt by someone again. It's a fact of life. I will make a fool of myself. Another fact of life. I need to take down the barriers that keep everyone out, so that I can start experiencing the joys of life that come with taking chances.

 

Kristen

6 Comments


Recommended Comments

hey Kristen:

 

Good luck with your summer of change. reading your blog made me blink few times, m I reading my thoughts or same problems I encounter

 

keep us upated on how are you overcoming issues

 

Asha

 

Link to comment

Kristen,

 

I think you're well on your way to making the changes in your personality/attitude to becoming the person you want to be. I also think we caregivers all go through the self-evaluation process at one point or another and we start to present ourselves to the world in a different light. Life is short, we have to live life, not just endure it.

 

Jean

Link to comment

Thanks Asha and Jean.

 

Tomorrow is my first day of work, and I feel like the first step in trying to make a real change. I can either choose to fall into a similar routine, or I can approach people differently. I vote for the latter. But, overcoming the fears that creep in- that are already creeping in- is no easy feat. I just need to BREATHE, try to relax, and be myself.

 

We'll see how it goes.

 

Kristen

Link to comment

Kristen I know this is different but pretend the people you meet are just like me and Jean and a few others from here and you are just explaining some of the stuff you do in chat. People in real time and people here are just the same kinds of people, it is just the same words but said out loud.

 

Good luck with your first day at work, I will be thinking of you.

 

Sue.

Link to comment

Kristen,

 

It's good to hear from you again. I hope that you and Patrick are doing well after the big move. I'm sure everything will work out for the best.

 

Butch

Link to comment

Kristen,

It is also a fact of life that with every attempt to engage someone in conversation, there is a risk that they won't like you or can't be bothered to take the time to get to know you, but it is a small risk to take to network and make friends. I think you are personable and outgoing enough to do it well. Just yak everyones ear off, I do it all the time. I haven't met many I can't talk with or find some common ground.

The summer of change is a perfect opportunity to take advantage of. You've made friends here, besides you can always dazzle them with stories of Aspen........... :big_grin:

Pam

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.