As most of you know, I was married 16 years when I stroked at age 37 4 years ago. Things went rapidly downhill with my spouse and I as he couldn't handle the stroke and how it changed me. He rejected me because I was handicapped now, in a world ruled by appearances and illusion, nothing less then perfection is allowed in. So I stuck it out for 3 years post stroke. We didn't talk just lived at the same address for 3 years and the tension just kept mounting. In May of 2005 I moved into my own apartment and began a period of being on permanent vacation from life, my stress had been reduced and it was just me and the dog and cat.
The guy I used to call my spouse had taken up with the next door neighbor before I moved out and she moved in the night I moved out. They've since moved over around the corner into her grandfathers house. I just moved back into my house this past weekend with Bill.
Now I think Bill is a brave supportive guy to move back into my marital residence with me. The X is livid and causing problems. Myself, I'm still trying to shake this wierd sense of De je vu(sp.?) I find myself hearing past arguements and cruel hurtful things that must still be hanging dormant in the air. I feel those feelings inside of being less then perfect and I struggle against the mentality and conditioning that those words have value in.
All over again, I seem to be heading down the acceptance path. It is no more fun the on the second visit then it was on the first visit. I seem to be searching for my inner peace, it got misplaced in the last week. I still think that post stroke life is all in what we make it. I can put the dishes away from the dishwasher every morning, I can go up and down all those flights of stairs sideways cause there is only one rail. I can put the dirty laundry in a back pack and carry it to the basement and do our laundry. I can still do alot of things. My next project is to get out in my garden and reclaim it from the weeds.
Those hurtful words were just sounds on the air that hit my ears, they mean nothing.Anothers opinion means nothing, it is how I feel about myself..And I like myself, and I have come a very long way and the stroke and X hasn't won yet.