Tough week
Well I haven't been able to work on my blog much lately. It has actually been a tough couple weeks. My whole house had the flu. Everyone recovered pretty quickly except for my son. He is four and the poor kid must have a weak immune system. He gets everything and anything especially the wierd stuff. He had the flu and then it turned into a viral infection that decided to show itself in his mouth. His mouth broke out in canker sores all over his gums and lips. His poor gums swelled over his teeth. It has been almost 2 weeks and he is just now getting to be able to eat because it hurt so bad. I can't brush his teeth yet because his gums bleed so bad. He has missed 2 weeks of pre-school. I pray he is all well and can go back on Monday.
It has also been a very stressful time with my mom. Her stroke has changed her so much. Sometimes she is so selfish. She has been so moody lately. Actually throwing fits when she doesn't get her way. If she wants something and I tell her to hold on a second to let me finish say sweeping the floor, she pouts and gets all pissy. Then she won't (try) talk to me. I try telling her that I am doing my best but I have alot to take care of. When I clean she gets all quiet and you can just tell she is mad cause I am not paying attention to her. I can't handle living in a mess and neither could she. Yesterday was especialy tough. I had to got to a meeting at 10 am about my neices that live with us. So I had my dad come over and sit with my mom. First I had to get the girsl off to school, pick the house up, get my son dressed and I had to shower. Inbetween, mom had to have her feeding, meds and be turned, empty her cathetar. So I ran all morning. I came home and told mom I was going to take her with us to my sons Dr. appt so I didn't have to line someone else up to come out. She threw a huge fit, literally. She cired for about 45 minutes. I told her I was going to start banging my head into the wall if she didn't shut up!!! I was ready to go crazy. She lost the ability to cry softly so it is like a kid throwing a fit and my son has done nothing but since he has been sick. I wanted to run away.
It is so hard. People say you have to take your emotions out of it, but I can't. It makes me feel like I fail when she is unhappy. I am basically responsible for her in every way including entertaining her. It isn't even comparible to a baby, because they need less than what she needs. She knows what she is missing out on. I get a break on the weekends, but it doesn't even feel like it because my siblings take turns and stay with her, but she still asks me to do things. Sometimes I hide out in my room because everytime she sees me she wants something. She sometimes won't ask them and waits for me to walk by. She will say ohh they have to work tommorow or I didn't want to bother them. She expects so much from me. I really don't think she can see how hard what I do is. I have 3 kids, her and a husband. I feel like I am always working. Someone always needs or wants something from me. It is like they think I don't get tired. It probally sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am not. I am really just frustrated right now. On her bad days like yesterday I feel like I can't take it. Most days I am good but the way her moods have been lately have been trying to say the least. The other night my husband wanted to watch house and tape deal or no deal, she got all mad because I taped deal or no deal and we watched house. The rest of the night she sulked and wouldn't look at anyone. She later told me I kissed his butt. She is crazy because I always kiss her butt. I baby her and have my whole life. Don't do this, don't say this I don't want mom upset. Trust me it caused problems for me and my husband way before the stroke. I just would always do anything to stop someone from hurting her. I always looked at her as so emotionally fragile. She has had panic attacks and at one point was institutionalized for attemtping suicide. She has had a rough life in so many ways. I can't stand seeing her hurt anymore.
I love her so much. It should be obvious to her, but she questions it and it kills me. Yesterday after she calmed down she asked if I loved her. I get mad when she says stuff like that now. She also says she is a burden and no-one wants to take care of her. I don't do anything to make her feel that way. I try very hard to not make her feel that way. Yes sometimes I get crabby and a little short when I get tired, but I always tell her I am sorry mom I am just tired. She knows I don't ever sleep well. We have been sleeping on a very uncomfortable pull out couch for 2 years in the living room next to her and I have to turn her every 2 hours plus I have insomnia which was being treated before her stroke. So on top of all I do I don't get the proper rest. I think anyone would be tired. On the weekends I take sleeping pills to that I get a full nights sleep, but it doesn't make me feel like I caught up on my rest. I just wish she could be a little more understanding. How do I make her understand without making her feel like more of a burden. I tell her how happy I am to have her here no matter how much work she is. I thank God everyday that she is still alive. I wouldn't give her up for anything. I just get tired.
Well there is my whining for the day. I just needed to get it off my chest.
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