Dear kerrymom--

I took care of my parents for about (13) years. I know just how you feel. I know the meaning behind each of your words. It is a very hard journey and a long one. I will tell you some things and I hope there are people and organizations in your community who can help you.

First: You must take care of yourself. This means doing things for yourself, taking time for yourself, doing things that give you joy. You must step out. You must find time to separate yourself from your mom. The reason is not selfish. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for your mom and then where will things be. This is most important. You need most and foremost to take care of yourself mentally.

Solution: There are non-profit organizations that have volunteers who are more than willing to come and spend a couple of hours or whatever w/ an invalid in the home while the caregiver (you) can have time to do errands, go out and get some "me" time to really do "whatever." You do not need to be noble about what you do in your free time. You do need to Selfish.

I volunteered w/ Hospice and sat w/ invalids while their caregivers went out. They would go to theatres, plays, go shopping, etc.

Second: You need to find a friend in whom you can confide. Just talking about your situation will help you ease the pain. Do you have someone at church? Is there a family member you are close to and feel comfortable w/? Do you have a minister or pastor to whom you can talk? Does your community have psychological services they provide on a sliding scale? No, you are not crazy but it really helps to talk things through w/ a professional who might have some ideas where you can find help in supporting your mom.

When I started taking care of my parents, I had a very demanding job. I was lucky I could have aides come in during the day to stay w/ my parents so I could do my job and take care of my kids and husband. However, it was hard. I used the service for several years but then they started to call me at work and tell me they couldn't cover a particular shift. My problem was, I was at the whim of my clients.

Things started going downhill for me. I went into a deep depression where I was at the bottom of the barrel towards the end before my mom's death. I thought I could do anything. I always took care of things. I compartmentalized my life. When I was at work, I was focused. When I was at home, I was focused. Would that I had stepped outside of myself and seen how all of this was wearing me down. Towards the end, I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything.

I don't want this to happen to you. You are carrying too big of a load. You must look for other people to spell you. There are lots of kind hearted people out there. Also, county government usually has services for a nominal fee that will help you.

Good luck to you. I am sending you lots of ((((((hugs)))))) to help hold you up. God Bless all the things you do for your mom. :friends: :friends: :friends: Take Care. LK

Kerry I am in same boat as you but have only been doing it for 5 months. I long for my mom to know who I am or talk to me or be normal again for just one day. I am scared bc I don't know if this is going to get better or not. I always said no way to a nursing home but I can't keep this up forever. I have to think that God has a purpose for her to keep her here and that it will get better. Can I ask your age? I am 34, single with a 14 year old. Life is hard...you aren't alone. But it is going to get better...time heals all things

Roxy

Kerry,

You are showing signs of caregiver burn out and I hope you are seriously looking for some ways to get yourself some respite. There's a thread on the message board where caregivers are suggesting different ways to find some help. Try the link below. You are not alone in your feelings. They are common.

Jean

http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=995