Last night Easter eggs got colored at our house. It is a mindless enjoyable task. A chance for thoughts to drift in and out. Now I was in rehab for that easter the year of my stroke. It was important to me that I still color eggs with my kids, important that nothing changed in our traditions. So OT let me color eggs with the kids, I hid them in my room on Easter for the the kids to find. Actually I hid them twice because my friend Mike came wheeling into my room, took one look around and sarcastically asked who hid the eggs? Stevie Wonder???!!!! But my thoughts last night weren't the warm fuzzy ones of the past years.

Last night it occurred to me that I was a hard act to follow. I have the unique position of seeing myself pre stroke and myself post stroke. I am reminded daily by the spouse of what I used to do, act, say, create. Yes, he hasn't accepted this post stroke me, I have and have left him in the dust months ago by moving on and accepting what will be and is.

The house is decorated with everything in the same spots I had put them in years past. Will I ever get to a place, where I am no longer reminded of how I'm different now? I have accepted the stroke and how I am, but the times when reality hits and I see what I lost are no less painful. It still makes me cry. But I end up crying in secret, cause I can't let the kids or spouse see. I tell myself some stupid stuff about not being weak and stop acting silly.

Although I have relaxed my standards and stopped trying to create an illusion that all is still the same.I guess teaching my kids by example that nothing stays the same, change happens, it is normal. One just deals with change and continue on.