Miss Sue asked me to update my blog so she would have something to read while she was out running all over the Land of Oz.
I wish I could give an upbeat entry, saying how everything is coming together in my life, but I can't. It isn't all falling apart either, but it's full of frustrations and worries right now. Sometimes it feels like I have so much more to worry about than other people my age and it doesn't seem fair. But at the same time, I usually comfort myself by saying that although my problems are DIFFERENT than most people my age, isn't that all they are? Different? Isn't life always full of worries and frustrations? It's not suppose to be easy, is it?
My biggest frustration right now is money. THAT is a universal frustration among the average population, I know. I have managed to get my bank account all screwed up and have been living on next to no money for almost two months. No matter how much I DON'T spend, it seems like I am not digging myself out. I have been out to eat twice since August, and the $7 I spent at Taco Bell last week for Patrick and me felt like a splurge (this is one of the two times). I am not kidding. I am going to be $500 plus fees in the hole again this week. Sucks to get paid and already be in the hole the same day! But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, next Friday I will get my bonus check and I should be out the hole again. Thank goodness. We still won't be able to do much, but at least I won't have the stress of knowing I am beyond broke. I am going to try to get an advance for the $500 I owe so I can have that off my chest Monday. What also stinks is that Tuesday is my birthday and Thursday is Brandon's 16th birthday, and there will not be much cash for a celebration. He will have to wait until after his birthday for a gift. UGH.
Brandon is my biggest worry right now. That and the fear I myself will have a stroke or heart attack. Brandon seems only to be able to live in the moment- never worries about consequences. He will deal with those tomorrow. I am so tired of punishing him. It has to be done...but I wish I could be the parent whose child came home when he was suppose to. I wish I were the parent whose child cared about school. I am doing everything I can think of to keep him on track. His is what psychologists call "The challenging child". I am at my wits end.
The stroke/heart attack comment? I meant it. I am worried. I need to go to the doctor but sometimes I think they will think I am a hypochondriac or something. I rarely go to the doctor, but for some reason I think they will pat me on the head and give me a muscle relaxer anMaybe, maybe not. The most recent "episode" that worried me was when I was on the treadmill about a week ago. I had been walking at a steady pace for about 40 minutes and was debating whetjer to stop or go for 5-10 minutes more. All the sudden, I felt weird. Not in pain but ...heavy...odd... so I checked my heart rate on the machine. I never really use the heart rate on the machine because I know it can be inaccurate. For some reason, this day, I used it several times while walking. My heart rate had been at 127 give or take a few beats. When I had this odd feeling i quickly checked it again. 57. I kept changing my grip, pressing harder, pressing lighter...still in the mid 50's. Then I was just about to have a panic attack thinking BEAT DAM IT BEAT! I got off the treadmill and haven't been on it since.
There are other factors that have me worried about it too, but this blog is long enough. I know I need to go have it checked out. But I think I am terrified of what they will say. The rational side of me knows it's better to face it head on or know that I am okay, whichever it might be. But I am also worried that I will be eager to hear I am fine, so if the doctor doesn't take me seriously, I might not pursue it like I know I need to. Woman of 37, heart disease? Common, but doctors overlook it in women so often. Just look at Patrick. Stroke at 36! By the time the doctors really considered as stroke it was too late for the TPA to work. And then I think, surely GOD wouldn't make us go through this now, would he? I am just stressed, right? RIGHT?
Bless all of you who read through this...