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Frustrations and Worries

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givincare

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Miss Sue asked me to update my blog so she would have something to read while she was out running all over the Land of Oz.

I wish I could give an upbeat entry, saying how everything is coming together in my life, but I can't. It isn't all falling apart either, but it's full of frustrations and worries right now. Sometimes it feels like I have so much more to worry about than other people my age and it doesn't seem fair. But at the same time, I usually comfort myself by saying that although my problems are DIFFERENT than most people my age, isn't that all they are? Different? Isn't life always full of worries and frustrations? It's not suppose to be easy, is it?

 

My biggest frustration right now is money. THAT is a universal frustration among the average population, I know. I have managed to get my bank account all screwed up and have been living on next to no money for almost two months. No matter how much I DON'T spend, it seems like I am not digging myself out. I have been out to eat twice since August, and the $7 I spent at Taco Bell last week for Patrick and me felt like a splurge (this is one of the two times). I am not kidding. I am going to be $500 plus fees in the hole again this week. Sucks to get paid and already be in the hole the same day! But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, next Friday I will get my bonus check and I should be out the hole again. Thank goodness. We still won't be able to do much, but at least I won't have the stress of knowing I am beyond broke. I am going to try to get an advance for the $500 I owe so I can have that off my chest Monday. What also stinks is that Tuesday is my birthday and Thursday is Brandon's 16th birthday, and there will not be much cash for a celebration. He will have to wait until after his birthday for a gift. UGH.

 

Brandon is my biggest worry right now. That and the fear I myself will have a stroke or heart attack. Brandon seems only to be able to live in the moment- never worries about consequences. He will deal with those tomorrow. I am so tired of punishing him. It has to be done...but I wish I could be the parent whose child came home when he was suppose to. I wish I were the parent whose child cared about school. I am doing everything I can think of to keep him on track. His is what psychologists call "The challenging child". I am at my wits end.

 

The stroke/heart attack comment? I meant it. I am worried. I need to go to the doctor but sometimes I think they will think I am a hypochondriac or something. I rarely go to the doctor, but for some reason I think they will pat me on the head and give me a muscle relaxer anMaybe, maybe not. The most recent "episode" that worried me was when I was on the treadmill about a week ago. I had been walking at a steady pace for about 40 minutes and was debating whetjer to stop or go for 5-10 minutes more. All the sudden, I felt weird. Not in pain but ...heavy...odd... so I checked my heart rate on the machine. I never really use the heart rate on the machine because I know it can be inaccurate. For some reason, this day, I used it several times while walking. My heart rate had been at 127 give or take a few beats. When I had this odd feeling i quickly checked it again. 57. I kept changing my grip, pressing harder, pressing lighter...still in the mid 50's. Then I was just about to have a panic attack thinking BEAT DAM IT BEAT! I got off the treadmill and haven't been on it since.

 

There are other factors that have me worried about it too, but this blog is long enough. I know I need to go have it checked out. But I think I am terrified of what they will say. The rational side of me knows it's better to face it head on or know that I am okay, whichever it might be. But I am also worried that I will be eager to hear I am fine, so if the doctor doesn't take me seriously, I might not pursue it like I know I need to. Woman of 37, heart disease? Common, but doctors overlook it in women so often. Just look at Patrick. Stroke at 36! By the time the doctors really considered as stroke it was too late for the TPA to work. And then I think, surely GOD wouldn't make us go through this now, would he? I am just stressed, right? RIGHT?

 

Kristen

Bless all of you who read through this...

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Hey Kristen - thanks for the update. Keep up the blog writing so I know what is going on with you when I miss you in chat.

 

The lack of money sounds familiar, I once went to the bank when we were raising kids and no money was in the account. So all that week we had strange meals as I used two or more ingredients and invented "new" recipes. I remember tuna, rice and raisins was a popular one.

 

As for doing more than most others your age are doing I guess it depends on the situation, there are those who have to work hard all their lives and those who seem to skim through life. I think you are gaining a lot just by being in the situation you are in.

 

My policy is regret nothing, I complain about life, I struggle with life, I agonize over life but I don't regret it, somehow, in the long run, things work out. You have had a battle and that is for sure. But you have Patrick, Brandon and friends both here and in real time . You made those friends by being the special person you are.

 

Your health is a concern so find a good doctor and find out what is wrong and take steps to fix it. But you are probably just stressed. So take a good long bath,take a walk, do some exercise and above all LAUGH! We all need to laugh.

 

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

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Hi Kristen,

 

I agree with Sue; you should see a doc. Granted your heart rate was not too high, but you were on a treadmill which should've had the heart rate a bit higher.

 

You are coping with alot with all that is going on in your life. I wish I had a magic solution for you with Brandon as pre I worked w/children and families. But there is no magic solution for any of us. And...money does not solve our problems. Brandon's acting out could be his way of getting attention from you as in being jealous over your work hours and doing for Patrick. You can only do so much dear- you're not Wonder Woman, Super Woman, or even Bionic Woman.

 

Our God does not give us more than we can handle (although at times I think He pushes the limits). Try and hang in there; we all care about you and wish you well.

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Hi Kristen, thanks for the update. Yes take care of yourself.. for you. It could be stress. but best to know.. what is going on. As for Brandon.. some children are more challenging. Let's hope maybe he will find a good friend in school who can maybe put him in another direction.I know $$$ can be an issue, I know I am clipping and using more coupons.. looking for the sale..I also had a "challenging" life in 20's and 30's... you just do the best you can.. I know you do! :) Know we care and think of you all. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Bon

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Kristen, take a deep breath and perhaps meditate. You are stressed and have every right to. I'm the Queen of Stress and after a second stroke that shouldn't have happened. I hope I learned my lesson. Avoid anything that is going to stress. Yes, easy for someone else to say.

 

I have come to the conclusion that things will happen no matter what we do. Nothing is a guarntee. I used to go to Reiki twice a week and they were starting classes for children! They said everyone stresses and maybe they are right.

 

Being a believer helps because God will not give us more than we are able to handle. Somehow we manage to get through it.

 

 

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hey Kristen:

 

I got through your whole blog and got wonderful blessings :big_grin: . first thing about your exercise, get it checked and pursue it with doctor, it could be u got dehydrated, mayb it will b nothing but get it checked.

 

about Brandon I know it is stressing you over it, but best we all parents can do is guide them in right direction, rest is all their own destiny.maybe introduce him to people who r still struggling with basic necessities since they did not get proper education. I tell my son education is your opportunity, ticket to make life better than what we were able to achieve.

 

I am sorry about your money crunches, but know that you wil manage thru this crummy & challeging time of your life, though believe me this time will pass too.

 

 

Asha

 

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Kristen,

 

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!! Slow down a bit. It's good to here from you again.

 

Doesn't money suck? There is never enough. It has to be our number 1 worry. I'm sure you have been told this a 110 times, but look into all the programs your state and county has to offer. I just spent 2 months going over papers, transfering assets, and consolidating bank accounts to obtain a waiver to receive help from our county. It was a total headache but well worth it in the end. Lisa will now get a nurse to come during the day while I am at work.

 

As far as kids go, I have you covered there to. The one thing that bothered me about our son was he doesn't have a care in the world. I was a little jealous of him. Here we worry about every detail of their lives so they don't have to. Youth is wasted on the young. I learned he had to experience things, right or wrong, for himself and deal with the consequences. Sure, I had to clean up the mess a few times, but he came out O.K.

 

I hope things get easier. Be sure to take care of you.

 

Butch

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