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Back in the saddle somewhat


MelBaker

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Hello all -

 

Thank you for your kind responses and encouragement. Hubby and I have been in counseling for almost two months now because he actually brought up divorce - I asked for counseing first and then to see what happens. January has been rough because it's the marker of last year's betrayal by him - talking with and seeing other women "friends" and saying that he didn't kbow how much longer it would lastand if any of them thought they could try again!

 

I had no idea that things were that bad (I was still in major recovery mode - hadn't even been home from the hospital six months and was still two months away from the first anniversary of the stroke).

 

I'm still working hard on getting past that - trust issues still remain as he continuew to correspond with his "friends" (who all happen to be old girlfriends) - yes, he's still with me and yes he's committed to counseling, but it's the little things like not sharing what's going on with the friends he does talk to - he still won't help heal the rift between his family and I that he caused by his actions - he doesn't stand up for me on anything..preferring to leave me out in the cold to let me do it on my own (I guess it's hid way of trying to get back the really confident and take charge wife he had before).

 

Sometimes it really feels like he's just here and doesn't want to do anymore than he has to, lke just coming home and being here (watching TV and then going to bed) should be enough. I know I'm whining, sorry.

 

It's just been very tough - I've told the counselors and they've suggested things , which we've/he's done but these things only happen once and then fade away - he figures that since he's done what the counselor has asked that is it and nothing more needs to be done on his part.

 

Not to say that some things haven't gotten better - we've gotten a teensy bit closer- watching TV in bed while cuddling, he actually holds my hand if we are sitting in the living room watching TV.

 

Yes, we have tried doing other activities together - we've gone bowling a few times, we've gone to the movies, but tha's really been it.

 

I've joined the local Lions cub and have been involved in that - however the friendships that I can develop in there are liimited to those who really aren't close or know my in-laws(if they do know them then I get the cold shoulder)

 

It's definitely the small town mentality - the only thing that frustrates me is that I'm paying for his issue.. I guess they figure that had I been doing my wifely duties (while recouping from a massive stroke) that he wouldn't have strayed!!!

 

I've also joined a local Red Hats group (I'm a Pink Hatter since I'm not yet 50) and had a lot of fun with that - I can't really talk to anyone there either though because over half the group works at the same place that the hubby does!

It seems that I just can't win.... tht's when I think I should leave and go back to where I grew up - there I will have my parents and friends, and the church I gre up in(I have no church here - the closest one is over an hour away). More support there than it ever seems I'll get here.

 

I'm volunteering where I can but it just seems that the right folks have not come along in person to be friends with. The friends I had (in persom) before the stoke hve either moved away due to job changes or marriages (she moved to Ireland!) and a few just stopped coming around or calling. I've now found out that they couldn't deal with the changes that the stroke brought - their loss.

 

I do keep in touch with some friends through email and messenger (most of them are from high school) so I consider myself lucky in that respect - and I have met some great people through here who have been great to me - I cannot every express my appreciation for what they have done for me - especially a few who went above and beyond(you know who you are! Love ya!)

 

I think if I could either get rid of this pain on my left side or just be able to block it, I wouldn't tend to get so depressed daily. Any suggestions?

 

I just get lonely sometimes ya know? Everybody has their work and their friends/kids. I'm not cleared for work(seizures and TIAs), friends - well you know the whining on that, my girlie is a great source of inspiration and hope - she's fourteen though and doesn't need a lot of Mom's hands on help(although it is great to be here everyday when she gets home!)

 

So I do have many things to be grateful for - and I am.....I just want my marriage to be better and to find that something that I can do that will make a difference (and somehow redeem myself in this small town's eyes)

I read, I cruise the Internet, I play word games online, I do exercises with my left arm and hand to try to get them to work again(and stop the tremors)....

 

Okay, that's my pity party for the day....Tomorrow will be better....I'll sleep tonight and really rest through the nerve pain in my neck and shoulder.

 

One good thing for today - I'll be volunteering with the Lions tonight selling tickets for the high school Bball games - will be out of the house for a while and get to see my favorite sport :)

 

Later Gators-

Mel

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Mel:

 

thanks for updating us about your life, your pity party. I just want to tell you one thing, I wish I am closer to you, but anyhows atleast I am online 24X7 and you can PM me anytime you want friend to talk to or just hang out. About your husband's infidality during your stroke phase is really bad. but how about forgiving him for what he did and move on, that will bring lot of peace within you. trust issue is hard one but if you two have decided to stick with each other, then you have to forgive him and trust him.

 

Iam sorry I don't have any wise words other than sending you lots of virtual hugs.

 

Asha

 

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Hiya Mel,

 

Good to see you in the blog community dear girl. The "small town" mentality stinks sometimes. What hubby did was definitely wrong but it does take 2 to make it. Some guys are just larger versions of small boys - what I mean is that when he does do something positive, praise him for it - positive reinforcement. I can understand and empathize the hurt and distrust you're experiencing; however, there will come a point in time where you'll understand it is better to let the past go. We cannot change the past although we would love to. We only kinda have control over today and tomorrow.

 

The fact that hubby is willing to and attending therapy is a plus. Way back when I had tried to get my ex to go to counseling so he wouldn't end up an ex...well.....after the fact he said he wished he would've listened to me.

 

I pray for you for better health and better life on the home-front.

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hi wish I could help you more but all I can do is wish you could get better fast and that might help with your problems...I can only send you lots of hugs and keep you in my prayers :hug: :hug: :hug:

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HI girlie. Glad you are back to blogging. :). Yes it takes 2.. to play games. Maybe the men are from Mars, Women from Venus book.. Men do not "communicate" the way we do. When you are at counseling it may be an issue you could talk about, that "yes" he does follow a suggestion .. ONCE.. an like Donna says.. some positive reinforcement. when he cuddles or holds hands.. say something to make him feel good.. or that you really enjoy it when you hold hands .. or cuddle. maybe some pictures or moments of you 2 together in the dating/romantic stages.. why you fell in love.. in deep love.. not surface things.I really hope you can both work out things in counseling............sneding hugs your wayWe all get on the pity pot... my signature says.. "just dont forget to flush when you are done. LOL

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What hubby did was definitely wrong but it does take 2 to make it.

 

I guess I was mentally incapable to even guess that the man who had stood beside me in the hospital for all those months would do something like that - after all at the time of my stroke we had only been married for six months. Then by the time this happened we had been married 1year and 4 months. Sex life was good - communication not so good I guess as I was still unable to control many of my outbursts - so yeah, I guess I might have reached out to another man at that time instead of asking for help from other caregivers or family had it been me - nobody's perfect.

 

And you are right on the other account of men being little boys Donna - and yes, Bonnie - they do not act the same way as women do in a crisis - so yeah, I guess I should let it go.

 

Just so hard to really see that not so nice part of the man I married and love. I am doing my level best to "catch him dong something nice".. the counselor suggested that too. I just want to have the relationship we had before - we shared everything, went places just to go and talk about what we saw, enjoyed watching sports games togetheron TV.

 

Still working hard on getting my strength back up so I don't get so tire so easily, and watching games by myself on TV to try to get my eyes to to not make my brain so dizzy with all the action in a small spot and the camera angle scooting back and forth so quickly.

 

This is why I'll be posting more in my blog - I need those other points of view to spark new thoughts and answers to my unresolved questions - my magination and problem-solving abilities suck right now. LOL

Thanks to all for your comments and suggestions!

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Mel,

 

Your story has brought back the feelings of hurt I also experienced from my husband straying. His straying was before my stroke though. I know for me it has been a deep hurt I am not sure how it will heal. This happened 9 or 10 years ago. I am not exactly sure because much of the details of the events were lost with my stroke. I knew we were having troubles and I was not fulfilling my wifely duties. That doesn't make it OK. Yes, others seem to justify that men have needs that have to be taken care of. As you can tell, I am still bitter! We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year straight and before that more seperate than together. Even in the same bed there was no physical touch. We each had our own part of the bed that we didn't cross. We have not been intimate for a VERY long time. The stroke hasn't helped that. I have no desire physically at all not ever. My doctor is thinking it might have something to do in part to the stroke. Before my stroke, I was upset but would still desire intimacy at times.

 

OK. Brief look into my past and husband's infidelity. I have focused more on myself this last year to do more things I enjoy. I use to do things with him because he wanted to. Not because I wanted to. Now, we have our times together doing things we both want or we do things apart. I think this is more honest for me because I am not pretending to be enjoying something I don't. We have been very close to starting divorce many times. I am not ready to give up the fight. I believe the relationship can be changed to be fulfilling for both of us. I am also not ready to believe the wonderful man I married is gone for good.

 

We have tried couples counseling, individual counseling, church counseling, intense weekend counseling and just avoiding fights. Things are like a rollercoaster. Up and down. We both have raw feelings of the horrible things we have said and done to each other. I have said the cruelest things to my husband and I have even been physically abusive to him. I have thrown things at him, scratched him and hit him. He has never physically harmed me. He has also said very terrible things to me.

 

Maybe it isn't the infidelity that is tearing our marriage apart. It is the way we are 'handling' the infidelity that is.

 

Don't give up your dream of a good marriage until you are ready to. Only you can decide when this happens. People around you will be giving you advice and what and when you should be doing things. Just remember only you and your husband truly know what goes on between the two of you! I hope things progress in a way that provides more clues to your future together. Stay strong in your faith and with friends and family. I will be praying for strength for you. Beth

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