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becoming an anchoress


swilkinson

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Anchorites ( female - anchoress) were like hermits or enclosed monks but solitary. The anchorite/anchoress lived in an external room attached to an abbey, cathedral or large church. Their task was to have a healing presence. In exchange for food or charitable contributions they listened to the problems of all who came to their window set in the wall that faced the outside world, and agreed to pray for them for set periods of time. There was no "fee" the obligation was on the anchorite/anchoress to pray, day and night, for the "souls" of the parish people with special requests as presented to them. This was their duty and their life.

 

The anchoress we studied during my Spirituality course was Julian of Norwich. She was a visionary as well and I found her writings very touching. But as a past middle aged woman my spirituality cannot imitate hers. I am older but not as wise, busier and less self-sacrificing and yet I feel that in many ways I am becoming like her, solitary yet attached to the church on one side and the world on the other. It is a strange feeling indeed.

 

This has been a much more peaceful week than last week. The routine resumed with a few variations. We had someone who was not Jeff on Tuesday. Now I find having someone new and strange coming to shower Ray really cuts off my respite time. The new person wants to know what the routine is, where eveything is, like the padded underwear, the spare clothes, the toiletries. In some ways most of it is glaringly obvious but somehow the new person needs to be walked through it all. None of them understand why Ray is doing the exercises he does. None of them time him properly so the little rascal knows he can bamboozle them, get through them all in ten minutes and sit down to do his puzzles. Fat lot of good that does his shrinking muscles and bandy legs eh?

 

On Thursday it was Jeff, general rejoicing and off I went for a walk. Came back and stayed home for a while for the social worker from the organisation that provides Ray with Camp Breakaway. He goes there Tuesday till Friday next week. She just needed to update the forms and add the two new tablets Ray takes, the "Flomaxtra" for the "flow" problem and the iron pills for the anaemia. She filled in the forms in about ten minutes which was good. Then Ray and I went off shoppping as usual.

 

We hit a problem at the shopping centre at lunchtime as Ray had one of his "shove the food around the plate with the fork" times. Usually he loves the seafood omelette we regularly share. It was his favourite next to fish and chips. But this week he just tossed it around. That is when I first thought that soon there will not be excursions like this, soon the effort to get Ray to eat out will outweigh the benefits. It is a sobering thought. At the moment if he is dished up too big a meal at Lions or somewhere else I just divert some of the food to a bread and butter plate or somewhere else, cut up the rest into tiny pieces and he eats it. Naturally he has been sick a couple of times and had a few coughing fits but generally he just eats slowly until he is finished. He doesn't sit and play with his food.

 

He has some new ways that seem to indicate that the dementia is deepening again. He doesn't answer sometimes when someone is talking to him, just stares straight ahead. I know it is not his hearing, I don't think it is because he dislikes the person or even that he just can't answer the question. I think it is more like a widening gap between what is said and him formulatting an answer and replying to what is said. He seems slower in a lot of ways. I am finding it more time consuming to do something like getting ready to go out, getting him out of bed and dressed, him having breakfast or a simple snack. The morning tea is more likely to be only half drunk and stone cold in the cup rather than him drinking it and enjoying it.

 

Today again it was not Jeff. The person today was a small, past middle aged woman who seemed a bit flustered. She kept telling me she had had lots of experience in nursing homes. I stayed on for twenty minutes or so after she came but she seemed okay so I went off about my Friday morning business. It is a bit of a worry though leaving someone new with Ray for three hours. He doesn't get respite next week as he will be away Tuedsday to Friday so I will see if Jeff turns up the week after. If not then I will ask for a review of hours and treatment levels etc. I will remind the supervisor Ray has dementia and can't cope with change and say I expect to have at least the same person a couple of times a week...sigh.

 

So as Ray is less easy to get out and about, as he fights change and clings to what is old and familiar I expect that it will be harder for me to get out in the world as much as I am able to now. That is when I shall become an anchoress. Only my anchor will be not to the church but to the house, and the outside world will become the little cyberspace I occupy here and links like the telephone, bringing the outside in.

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sue,

as always i looked forward to your blog and your sharing of daily life and insights. you recently wrote of some of the good times and travel you and ray were able to share before this last stoke - i hope as you find your world growing smaller that these memories will help to sustain and comfort you. i cannot imagine how difficult it must be to see your life partner fade. while ray is at camp enjoy your time and kick your heels up a bit. kathy

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Sue,

 

Your insight into what is occurring is so full of love and enrichment. We. as readers of your blogs, also can see Ray's gradual fading. You will have all the fantastic memories the two of you have created to treasure forever.

 

As Ray ventures off to his camp, I hope you are able to enjoy your time and do some fun things for you BESIDES chasing dust bunnies around the house :cleaning: .

 

Yes, it's hard for both you and Ray to have different individuals coming in to assist. Change can be a challenge even without having stroke deficits in the mix. You do one thing though that an anchoress does not perform - you jump in there and advocate AND accomplish what is in the best interest for you and your sweetie.

 

Bless you both and continued (((hugs))) and prayers coming across the miles to Australia.

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Great Big Huge ((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) to you both.I would be a bit nervous with new people coming in also. And having to walk them thru the routine, etc takes away from your time also. We feel the love. I only had to experience dementia with a very close family friend, that was very, very hard to watch and experience. Like Kathy and Donna, I am so glad you and Ray had so many wonderful times to cherish... as his world diminishes now. And yes.. This week when Ray is at Camp Breakaway.. Sue has he own camp getaway.. and it is not chasing dust bunnies.. (oh by the way.. I have started naming mine)....

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Sue,

As I was reading your blog my husband came in and wanted to know, "who's that in the picture." He was very interested in hearing about you and Ray. Bottom line, I think he really could relate to Ray as I do to you. It doesn't change the facts of our lives but somehow makes it not so lonely when there are others going through the same thing.

 

Hugs to you though as you face Rays decline. You are an inspiration in your positive outlook.

 

Some days I wish that there was someone who could come in and bathe Dick. I realize though that I would find having a stranger come in extremely difficult and I understand your frustration having to start at the beginning all the time.

 

Do take time to do something FUN while Ray is away. Maybe read more about these anchorites. I know that I will be looking them up!!

Ruth

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I am so angry I could spit!! I just found out one of my English cousins was in Sydney for six days just before Christmas and didn't even ring me!

 

The stroke affected Ray, has continued to do so in differing ways. But it also took my llife away too. I just can't believe so many people say they "can't cope" with the fact that Ray has had strokes and that means they can't cope with me either. It is like leprosy in the biblical days, why are these people acting as though it is catching?. What next? I am so disappointed I could scream and rant and rave.

 

I am very good at holding it together for long periods of time but sometimes I let life get to me. Sorry for the rant. Grrrrr! If I was a dog I would bite someone!

 

Sue.

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I'm so sorry and angry Sue that this happened to you. Let's growl together - 1.....2......3....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That's the best I can do with all the miles between us.

 

We'ew experienced the same "contagious" myth - I've learned to understand some of it is denial, "head buried in the sand" outlook on life. But you don't have that sweetie - you can smell the posies and the fresh air around you.

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:hug: :hug: I agree with you some people just can't deal with someone who has suffered a stroke.. It seems to intimidate them.. One of the fellows who goes to our stroke group has said the same thing that you have walk the walk in order to really understand the people involved, caregiver and survivor.. he is a survivor who has had a heart attack and also a stroke...he was social worker who dealt with children and is very smart even after the ordeal he has encountered...what a wonderful person, my hubby and him just get along great and can communicate very well..I am sending you hugs{{{{}}}} and please take it easy when Ray is gone of to respite...all the dust bunnies can wait, just do what you need to...I know I am very lucky that my hubby doesn't have too many problems but it is only time and I will have to face that day to... I send my love and prayers... Deenie

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