If you were reading my blogs prior to March 2006 you would have to have been here a long time..lol. But in that period you would have read all my angst at the closing of my old church. This was more than a church building to me, it was the centre of a small community of like-minded people, a family of 25 to 30 , a place where I felt safe, welcome and to a certain degree it was also my comfort zone. The people of the church had been so supportive of Ray and I after Ray's stroke(s) that it was like losing all those people who make your life worthwhile. When it's closure was announced until it finally closed I went through a rollercoaster of emotions.

Today I went to a luncheon for some of the "survivors" of this closure. I have kept in touch with most of them over the two years, a handful I was meeting up with after only seeing them once or twice since then. It was lovely to see them but the ribbons of friendship have unfurled and it was like meeting distant cousins, lovely warm people but not that essential to my everyday well-being. We had some fun and some chat and a nice bring-and-share lunch together, but it was just that, a get-together, it was not a high impact meeting. From that I concluded that I am over it now.

Sorry to those I ran out on in chat today. Wow, it was so nice to see some old faces, some new faces and all of you just ready to plunge into the conversation, join in the fellowship and add to the mayhem. I love chat. And survivors, caregivers, family members etc you do know you are all welcome to any of the chats here anytime. The chat in the caregiver's room is not an exclusive chat it is an inclusive one as they all are here. And the more the merrier. If you are reading this and haven't been to chat do come and try it out, either mine or any of the afternoon or nightly chats. You will always find like-minded people there that you can bounce ideas off and there will be people who are interested in helping you out with good suggestions if you have a problem of any kind. No, we are not doctors or nurses but by heck! we are people with a lot of hands-on expereince!

Ray is asleep already. He wanted to leave a while before the meeting after the lunch finished. I think seeing the people together like that stirred up some uncomfortable emotions for him and he doesn't like that feeling. As he is almost emotionless now in his attitudes it must be hard to feel something you no longer have the words to express. Maybe someone can help me out with how that feels. I know that he walked out the door and along the path leading out to the car and I had to go fetch him. He said he thought it was "time to go home" and I don't think by that he meant the time it was on the clock. Maybe that means that to a certain extent he is still caught back there, and is not really over it. Or maybe it is in a way painful for him to revisit some of those memories. Or maybe he is just tired, who knows?

I am still having on-going problems with my care provider. Why they can't just roster a couple of people every week to shower Ray and one on Fridays to do his shower and the two hours of respite I can't work out. How hard can that be? Okay, I am not their only client and I know some of their workers are probably part timers but I will not accept new people walking in the door every time. I can't put up with them not knowing where the bathroom is, how to operate the shower, where to put the dirty clothing etc. I need someone who knows what Ray needs in the way of care, how his exercises contribute to his balance etc. I NEED CONTINUITY, PEOPLE I CAN TRUST TO LOOK AFTER RAY. You should be able to hear me screaming that from there...lol.

Apart from that it is autumn (fall) and I am getting ready for the Easter long weekend. Trev wanted to take us to the Royal Easter Show ( like a State Fair) in Sydney but at this stage I don't want to push through the crowds to see someone demonstrate yet another appliance for washing windows or cutting down garden plants. And as for fat cattle, oversized pigs, tractors, farm sheds etc do I need to see more of them? No thanks. The arena events, the rodeo and the fireworks I could take but keeping Ray up after dark? I think not. So maybe that is another thing I will cross off the list of things we once used to do - go to the Royal Easter Show X. Still it was nice that he asked us and good that he contemplated pushing the wheelchair for me. Maybe I will find somewhere I would like to go and ask if he will take us there.

For now I would just like to potter in my garden, read a book, put my feet up for a while. And that is what I will do over the weekend, if that is okay with everybody else.