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the privilege of sharing


swilkinson

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Because of shows like "Oprah", the "Rikki Lake" type shows I guess there is a feeling that everyone shares their ups and downs and some people share their most intimate details until you want to say " too much information!" But that is not the way it is right across the world. In every situation there are those who are happy to open up their lives for all to see and those who are quiet and withdrawn and keep ther lives and their thoughts about it to themselves.

 

In England a person might say something like: "I'm sorry, we cannot have this conversation, I am a private person." and the subject would be dropped. Even in Australia, considered often a nation of extraverts the same applies. Some people tell all, some people do not. And yet I have always wondered if by shutting their thoughts up inside if they are missing out on the benefits of sharing their lives with others?

 

I have been privileged in a lot of circumstances to be the temporary confidante of many people. This came about right from my teen years when I found that quiet, concentrated listening allowed others to express their thoughts to me. I have always as much as is possible kept their secrets. It is not my way to be a gossip and I like to think that you can tell me what is bothering you, I will give my honest opinion and then we will resume our conversation as if the subject had never been discussed. It is the only way to keep friends.

 

There is a price to pay for this. You can become a burden-bearer. I was on the Lifeline telephone counselling phones for eight years, one session a week. In that time I heard a great many stories, some of them very tragic, some of them the product of an over-active imagination. It is amazing what a person will tell to a perfect "stranger" on the other end of the phone line, of events in their lives that they swear they have never told to family members. But they do need to tell it to someone, as a form of release and to unburden themselves. The trick is not to take on the burden yourself but remember that it is the property of another momentarily shared with you.

 

Some of people's stories, like the posts and blogs on here, were an example of someone dealing bravely with events beyond their control. Over the years I built up a tremendous admiration for the person who looks honestly at the circumstances of their lives and deals with it as best they can. The "copers" in life have in my opinion won the same kind of acclaim as the "Bravery Awards" handed out to Heros.

 

Through this site, dementianet and the two support groups I go to I have discovered more heros. They are the ones who grimly fight for a better way of life, they are in some cases ill-equipped to do so and do so against great odds. The aphasic man in our stroke group who gets a friend to record messages for him so he can play it and get his point across is one of my heros. The woman who has had many hospitalizations, is quite severely crippled but dresses in fashions that would be worthy of a French fashion magazine is another of my heros. Where she finds such elegant creations I do not know but it is a far cry from the traditional casual wear that invalids so often wear and really expresses her personality which despite her disabilities is as bright and gregarious as a rainbow parrot.

 

In a past blog I told the story of my first encounter with the death of a peer at aged eight. I think that made a real difference to the way I lived from then on. I really love people, in all their many facets, and I try to get to know them and walk alongside them in any way I am able to. I do step forward if I feel I can be of help in any way. In some cases the help is not needed or appreciated but in the long run that does not matter. What matters is that there has been an encounter, a brief sharing that hopefully has benefitted both if us.

 

Some subjects are almost taboos, death and dying, bowel motions ( a subject important in the life of caregivers...lol) the frustrations of a life half-lived. But it is in sharing these subjects that we come close to being of real help to people. Those casual "talk-about-the-weather" encounters do not help us to live, to grow or to move on. It is the encounters and conversations that allow us to broach the taboo subjects and discuss what is laying heavy on our hearts in the night hours that help us the most. Sitting by the bed of the dying the subjects of wills, finance, sexual expression, old enmities and future plans might all be a part of the conversation. The art of chaplaincy is founded on the art of listening.

 

I don't have a "best friend" but I do have many people I do consider as friends, some on this site here, more in real time. How they think of me is not so important although it is nice when the friendship is reciprocated. What really matters is that we have had the privilege of sharing in each others lives.

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Sue,

 

It is definitely a privilege getting to read all that you share. I, for one, feel quite honored and wish we could sit and share in real time over a cup of tea or coffee.

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Sue,

 

Once again, you so eloquently express my thoughts. I really, really do think we are twins. I have always been the confidante because I have never been one to share secrets, to gossip. I've always been known as the listener. You see, I think we have been in training for our roles now for our entire lives!

 

You are so right, it would be great if we could always be "upbeat" and postitive. Sometimes though the most important role of these blogs is a safe place where we can bare our hearts and souls - unburden ourselves from the stress we feel 24/7. I know for me, once I do take the time to pour it out on paper I really do feel a strength that was waning.

 

I am so blessed to be counted as one of your friends, and you know you mean the world to me!

 

Love,

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Sue,

 

Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I was always the "go to" person in my family, with my children, and in organizations to which I belonged. Consequently, one of the most difficult adjustments for me after my stroke was to allow someone to take care of me. I still try to be a good listener and I, too, do not pass on confidences. I might make suggestions, but I refrain from giving advice, unless asked.

 

I really miss being able to physically help others. I make up for it by spoiling my caregiver, Misti. She has been a God send to me.

 

Vi

 

 

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Sue:

 

you have gift of expressing yourself so nicely. I was not and still not good listner, though I like to talk a lot about my family so thiss blogging is lifesaver for me,since here I am surrounded by great listners. It works out perfectly.

 

Asha

 

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sue,

what a wonderful blog! being a good listener is an gift and it appears you and use your love gift. too often people are not heard because we seem to live everywhere but in the moment. we often are working on our replies rather than being attentive in converstaion. on this site i have talked more about my feelings than i ever have before - that is because it is a safe place and i know i will be heard and understood. how lucky the people are that talk with you - being truely heard is rare these days. thanks so much - kathy

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Sue - I just love to read your blogs!!! They are always so thoughtful and in return, give me much to think about and consider in my own life.

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Sue,

Again you express my feelings so much better than I could ever do myself! I too have always been the one people unburden themselves to. I consider it a privilege to be trusted with other

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