It's been a pretty good week, all things considered. I'm still a bit sore from the surgery, but nothing major, and I've been able to go back to work with no problems. I feel a bit guilty about how much I liked being in the hospital - maybe it's because they wouldn't let me eat, so I didn't have to put up with hospital food! I lost 10 lbs, which means I'm down about 50 lbs now since Larry's stroke, and I feel wonderful - I suspect now that the gallbladder problem was creating symptoms for about a year that I didn't realize were there. My energy level has gone way up since the surgery, and I don't have the "tired all the time" feeling that I had before. I think there were a lot of toxins in my system because things weren't working right, and now it's starting to go back to normal. My mood is much improved, and I don't feel nearly as overwhelmed as I did before, so I guess it's good that all of this came to a head when it did.

Larry had a good week too. He's been very interested in watching movies on his DVD player, and when the stroke first happened he was totally not into that at all. If I go in to check on him at 2AM, he is usually watching a DVD. I think it's good for him, not only for the stimulation, but because operating the whole TV/DVD system is quite complex and must make him think his way through it. I've also come across him reading books several times - or at least looking at them - last night it was "The Notebooks of Charles Darwin", which is not exactly light and fluffy. I don't know how much of it he is getting, but he's at least trying to read and I find that very encouraging.

Cecilia continues to be a godsend to us. She says that she has worked for people before us that were not very nice, and I think she wasn't treated very well. I think she is wonderful and try to make that clear to her, and the more I show her how much we love her the more she opens up and wants to help us. She does a lot more than her job description says she is supposed to do - I love coming home to an immaculate house and all the laundry done every night (that's more than I ever used to do!). I don't know what I would do without her, and Larry seems to like her also - a big step for a very private man who was getting pretty crotchety in his old age! She really takes great care of Larry, and of me, and I try to tell her every day how much we appreciate her. Larry's kids made up a big gift basket for her after she helped out so much when I had my surgery, and she was in tears over that...she really is a sweetheart, and not having to worry about what's going on when I'm not home is such a huge relief.

There are still issues, of course. I do not like how angry I get sometimes with Larry - small things set me off, and sometimes I yell at him when I think he's not trying, or when he shrugs and doesn't seem to care. That is not the person I want to be, but I get so upset that I can feel myself losing control. I try to just walk out of the room for a while to cool off, but it doesn't always work. I also find that as I'm becoming more independent by necessity, I'm becoming less tolerant. I used to be pretty deferential when it came to the roles in our marriage, and that was OK because I'm old-fashioned and liked the idea of a man having his work and me having mine (my mother, who burned her bra in the '60s, would die if she heard me say that!!). Now that I'm forced to be more self-sufficient, I find that I can do a lot more than I thought I could. Tonight I took apart the pump to our big backyard fountain, cleaned it out and got it running again. While I was on a roll, I also cleaned the pump to a smaller fountain that had quit working. They both work fine now, and I feel quite proud of myself for figuring it out and not caving in and calling someone. On the other hand, I did have an exterminator out this week when I found a wasp nest the size of a grapfruit up under the eaves when I came home from the hospital. There are some things I am not going to touch no matter how empowered I may be trying to feel! Larry would have dispatched it in 5 minutes, but I'm just not going there...they were crawling all over the outside of the nest, and it made my toes curl up just watching them. I do believe that you should call professionals for some things, like doing your taxes, trimming your trees and killing wasps...so I concede defeat on that one.

Larry's still boycotting therapy. I have stopped pushing him for now, I think we are both worn out about it. I'm angry that he won't do it, but it is HIS life after all...if he doesn't want to do it, I can't force him, and maybe it is not my place to try. I don't know what I can do to help him at this point. Should I leave him alone and let him enjoy his remaining years as best he can? Or should I keep pushing him when it makes us both upset and seems to go nowhere? I don't like giving up, but feel like this is a battle I can't win. For now I am stalemated...I'll give it a few weeks and try again, and see if he's more amenable to the idea; if not, then I don't know what. Frustrating.

So, I hope everyone enjoys the long weekend. I know I'm looking forward to it. I'll try to get Larry out for a long walk and maybe dinner out, and that will be good for us both. I'm going to paint the little bathroom again (for the 4th time); maybe the color I chose this time will work. So far I am 0 - 4, and the bathroom right now is a sort of battleship gray color with white trim (it looked green in the picture!). I'm bought a lighter green this time, and what seems to be a pretty, warm orange, and I'll try those...when all is said and done I'll bet it ends up back to being white!

-Janine