Can it really be a whole year??
Entry posted by avantgardener
963 views
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Larry's stroke - and though it certainly won't be an anniversary that we'll celebrate, I will definitely be marking the day. I'm proud of us both for having lived through this and come more or less out the other side. There were many days when I didn't believe that was going to happen. Looking back on the last year is in many ways like reading about someone else's life: interesting, but very third person. There's a weird detachment, especially in the early weeks and months, and if I hadn't been scrupulous about writing things down I would have no memory at all of some of those days.
Larry's doing well, and although he gets very frustrated by his inability to communicate he's adjusted to his new life. I know that he does not miss going to work, and in fact I believe now that part of the reason why the stroke happened is because he was so desperate to get out of the trap of his job, which had become unbearable to him. Interesting how your body will find solutions to problems that the brain can't solve on its own. In any case, although his world is very small these days he seems content with being at home, watering the plants, watching TV and sleeping much of the day. He's at peace most of the time, and likes his routine, and I think is happy not having any responsibilities anymore.
As for me, I'm stretched pretty thin but have also adjusted. It's hard sometimes to take care of everything, but there is also a freedom that I didn't have before. If I want to do something I just do it, no more consultations back and forth or having to make compromises. I'm tougher than I used to be, and I spend less time dithering about what I should and shouldn't do, mainly since I don't have the luxury of wasting time anymore. This is not the life I would have chosen for either of us, but since it's the life we have I'm making the best of it. The alternative is not very appealing.
So, things are OK. Hard to believe that it's been a year. I called Larry's office today just to hear his answering machine message (which the university still has not changed!), and it was very odd to hear him speaking. I'll be sorry when they finally do change the message, though knowing how things work in the Cal State system I may have a very long wait before that day comes. In the meantime, I like to hear it once in a while - it's like looking at a picture of the Twin Towers before 9/11, that same nostalgia for a time that's gone and that I didn't appreciate enough. Presumptuous to equate our personal catastrope with something of that magnitude, but that's what comes to mind when I think about it.
Thanks to everyone who has helped us get through this year. The people on this site have been wonderful and got me through the worst of the worst times. I truly would not be here without you - there were days when I logged in here instead of swallowing a handful of pills, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who can say you all literally were livesavers. Not to be too dramatic, but it's true and thanks really do not cover it, but there you are.
xxx's and ooo's
-Janine
6 Comments
Recommended Comments