I went on the first weekend of my course. There were 120 people on the camp, some newbie Bishop's Certificate people like me, some doing the first year of the Diploma and some in their second year who are just about to finish their Diploma. Now the people who belong to the Newcastle Anglican Diocese inhabit a small world and I have been around it a long time so of course I bumped into a lot of people I knew from way back. I would look at someone and think: "Could that be Ken..or Joe...or George?"..but wait, now they all have grey hair, and glasses and a few extra pounds around the middle. And I guess they all looked at me and thought the same thing. It was like a 40 year high school reunion, when you have all changed and not always for the better.

It rained and rained, not heavily but as the cabins were scattered in large grounds it was a dash for the Dining Hall with umbrellas across large expanses of wet grass and with older folk that is a danger. But we all survived and thrived on the extra exercise I guess. There was reasonable food and enough cabins that we could all had a bottom bunk and none of us minded that. I guess it took us back to our Church Camp days when the kids and mums and dads would all have a bare cabin and we took all we needed to survive three days away. At least this time we had hot water for showers and good food which we didn't have to cook over a camp fire but dined in a nicely set up dining hall.

That left one night back at home before I went to get Ray today. He seems to have enjoyed his break and looks well. The staff at Reynolds Court always say that he is no trouble. He seemed ready to come home and despite the fact that it was raining headed straight out to the verandah, word book clutched under one arm. The sun did come out for a while before lunch so he did enjoy that. This afternoon Trev and he played a few carnival games on the Nintendo, Trev had borrowed them from a friend and Ray smiled a lot as he beat Trev at a couple of the games, at least the first time. Then, as usual, he went to bed for his afternoon nap. All is normal again.

What did I do with my break? Not a lot. I went up to visit our Cairns family, that was an excellent week. I phoned a few friends and some of our relatives and caught up with their news. And I went on the weekend away. This time I did not feel guilty or selfish or as if I had abandoned Ray, I just felt like someone who has put the load down for a rest. I think I deserve the break, and I certainly need it to recharge my batteries, to give me more energy and to raise my spirits. I need some time to restore that feeling of being a whole person, not a nurse, not a caregiver, just a middle aged woman called Sue who still enjoys her life.

The study will be good for me too. It will give me another focus, something else to talk about, something that I have in common with people not dealing with a husband that has had a stroke. I need to feed my mind. I do a lot of pastoral caring, in the church and other organisations I belong to and as part of every day life. Often in the groups I belong to I am one who people come to to discuss what is happening with their lives. That is fine with me but it is also emotionally draining sometimes. So I need to be extra careful not to get down and depressed. I have allowed things to get to me sometimes and now I need to relax and let go of that responsiblity from time to time.

And some of the old grey headed fellows did remember me from times long gone, some did make a point of sitting next to me at the dining table or during the lectures. Some were interested to catch up on my news as I was interested in catching up on theirs. So maybe this renewing of acquaintances will lead to more contact with other old friends too. I do think I need that at this stage of my life, to reconnect with people from the past. It is also good to be remembered for my former academic achievements as well as just being a wife and grandmother who looks after her invalid husband Ray. That is still a worthwhile thing to do, I love Ray and miss him when he is out of my care, but I do need to be a person in my own right too. It is important to keep my own identity. We all need to do that for our own good mental health.