Okay, so here goes my first day of blogging about my stroke. It has been one year, 7 months and 1 day since my stroke. It has been 1 year, 1 month and some days (I don't do #'s well) since my heart surgery. I am struggling these days. A few weeks ago, my father, mother and grandmother decided to have a kind of "intervention" for me. I was planning on driving to TN to stay with a friend for a few days. They decided I shouldn't drive. My mother decided I shouldn't even drive to work! Dad really ripped into me and I totally cried and yelled. They don't understand. They try to compare my experience to their experience to them getting old or whatever. It isn't the same. It happened to me in about 10 minutes...not 30 years. I lost who I was overnight. I hate when people who have not had a stroke tell me their story of losing thoughts or words. They don't get it. It is so much more than that. I lost so much and continue to lose. I am shown every single day what I have lost and how I have changed. Yes, I have learned and grown and blah blah blah...I get sick of being positive all the time. It sucks. And I am dealing with it my own way. What gives them the right to tell me I can or can't do something? I am 38 years old for goodness sakes! So, all of this to say that I no longer tell ANYONE when I am not feeling good. When I need my migraine meds, when i am exhausted, when I can't think straight...all that fun stuff, I don't tell anybody. I am not going to have them fretting and worrying and trying to prohibit me from life. They tried to cage me, they tried to set boundaries on me. I cannot be caged. I will not. I drove to TN alone before...all night, in a thunderstorm. And I was fine.
I have to be fine. I don't know how else to be. Some days I wonder if I feel this way bc of my stroke, or if I just feel this way. My kids are my motivation but sometimes, even they don't get me out of the depression. It's not like I stay in bed all day. I still do the things I am supposed to do. I don't know what to do about it some days. I do know that I am sick and tired of doctors and tests, blood draws and meds. I'm REALLY done with all that.
Am I really this alone?