I am such a whiner sometimes. Some small thing gets me down and away I go, feeling sorry for myself, feeling as if I didn’t deserve this, feeling life is hopeless. And yet I am so blessed. I live in a house that belongs to us, I have an income of sorts and I have the ability to make decisions as to how I spend my time and money. What I don’t have is the ability to go back and fulfill those hopes and dreams and I once had for our future. That is what I am using still as my basis for happiness? Silly me!

Today did not start out as a good day. Ray and I had an unpleasant argument and he declared me “stupid” so I left him to complete his shower by himself and get dressed and made myself stay away until he was done. He wasn’t at risk but he was alone and had to do far more than he usually does so it took twice the time.

I don’t like being “badmouthed”. I resent that the nurses are praised and I am not. But I do know this is down to his ongoing conditions including the dementia and unlikely to change. It is sad that this is so and I want it to be different but wishing won’t make it so.

This acceptance journey is such a painful experience; it brings me to my knees from time to time. I am just a woman, not Superwoman, not Wonder Woman, just a woman. I have one pair of hands, one pair of feet, one heart, easily broken. I know a lot about a lot of things but I don’t know how to keep my heart from breaking when my life partner, because he is tired and out-of-sorts, turns on me. Then I feel alone and defenseless and wish things could be as they once were again.

This morning when Ray went off on the Daycare bus it was such a relief. I knew he wouldn’t come home in the bad mood as he doesn’t retain information and emotion for long now. I can hold a grudge or be unforgiving and he has long since forgotten that he ever did anything wrong or said anything unkind. So he wonders why I am not speaking to him or being my usual self or treating him the way he expects to be treated.

So I went about my business. Firstly chat where we had some new people in our room. Listening to them I could see how much harder life was for them than it is now for me. I have been over most of the learning experiences, I have a settled routine and I get some outside help. Sure most of our friends have left us but we still have well-wishers here and in the wider community and in some ways both stroke and dementia have brought me into contact with nice people I might otherwise not have known.

I need to spend more time appreciating what I have and not mourning what I have lost. I need to see the good in what has happened to me and to Ray. No, I am not becoming a Pollyanna, I do know it is a tough situation I find myself in but other people are in a similar situation and many in one that is much worse. So I should give myself a shake and get on with life. And I will try to do so every time I stop being level headed.

This afternoon I came home early from shopping, well didn’t really shop at all, had some leftovers for lunch and went down to the closest beach. It has a steep set of steps so I often avoid it in favour of one a bit further away. I took a book and a towel to sit on and I spent over an hour there. I played with a friendly dog and enjoyed just being out in the open air in a pleasant place with no-one to please but myself. That is free time. No-one to ask me to do anything.

I love the beach, which is why we continue to live in a beach suburb. I am not a strong swimmer, don’t surf, rarely go to the beach but I can hear it on a windy day and smell it in the air and drive by it and look at it whenever I want to. That is another one of my many blessings that I forget to count some down days.

So I have to forgive and forget. No sense in holding onto a hurt feeling, remember a word spoken in haste, not forgiving Ray for what he really can’t help. I can’t cling to the past and although I will always regret those things we never did I have to move forward again. There is no place in my life for wants and dreams, a caregiver has a load of reality to cope with every day and that is what I have to do.

Ray came back from Daycare, was tired and went off to bed as usual. Ho hum!