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Stroke Survivor - male
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Everything posted by bartszatmary

  1. Happy Anniversary bartszatmary!

  2. Happy Anniversary bartszatmary!

  3. Happy Anniversary bartszatmary!

  4. My .wife left me. Im starting over. Im taking it easy. I M waiting to here from ssdi to keep house.
  5. I remember In rehab when I was told "I was high functioning" I almost puked. One day the smartest person in school, Bam! High functioning. What a blow, I could almost always say " Im the smartest person youll know" and it would be true until now. Im handicaped, like in horse racing. I thought about that, I liked it. Not disabled, I can, but slower. I was happy as I could be with that word. Today I was talking to my police cheif, and he said" giving me a handicap would be cheating the race must be even. Your challenged, you can its just more work". How think about it we must work with but fight our limititions and always strive for more. ( it must be right my wife agrees and she beat all the odds.
  6. bartszatmary

    The washer machine

    I was washing clothes while they went sleding I did feel good and useful, like a good house husband! Then the machine broke down always some thing.
  7. bartszatmary

    sex drugs and rock and roll

    Well this has nothing to do the tittle of this blog but it your eye. I think Im doing ok. Ive been living life as normal as I can get. I did miss out on the family going sleding. Its new being handicap. I m trying to forget that Im different Im getting better at it. Dont like it but living with it. Ill see what the next step is.
  8. bartszatmary

    weekend off

    I decided to take the weekend off. My wife and are having people over sunday for the game. We are steelers fans and our friends ravens its not there fault blame the parents.Lol We get flack being in maryland. We should have fun. Well Im off to enjoy my wife, family, and friends. But first Ill help Kelly get ready. Have a great weekend! GO STEELERS!
  9. bartszatmary

    I cant believe you work on cars. I have a hard time cleaning up the house. I forget get side tracked. I found my keys, had them 2 days lost them again. Oh well Im stil good with dogs if you need help.
  10. bartszatmary


    When life gets you down. You wish you were not here. "Its a Wonderful Life" I even have a loose thingie on our stairs. See I was depressed me whole life. For years I lived like its no tomorow. My life was meaningless. I always wished Id die. My 40th birthday I started to live Its new to me and I screwed up big time in 8 yrs. I had a chance sept 30 the chance I always wanted. I stoped beathing. I got to go where I always wanted. It was calm. I came back. Its a wonderful life. Ok its sucks sometimes so you its really wonderful. Take it from me. Clarence is right. Take from me and Ive been depressed for 40 yrs.
  11. bartszatmary

    Lazy days!

    I took a few days off. We had a party at the house. I had a bit to much wine but all had fun. This morn I was up at 700 am I did my phy exercises, taking a break my arms are shacky. After the blog work on on my hand, I use hair bands to work fingers, they cramp after but... no pain lil gain. But gain. I feel normal sometimes until I try a task, I am reminded, somethings are easier some not. The hard is the mind I read, Im a internet fool just to read and type, write on comp. I have been drawing and painting some. Im not good but Im new to water colors. If I cant work Ill become an artist. Better then non working slug. I did walk to the park. Cold and leg is cramped now. Im going to try some things with my hand. Well I have things to go.
  12. bartszatmary

    A handicap a man and his life

    Im just not starting to care. As I lay me down to sleep I pray my Lord my soul to take......Uh ..I changed my mind Ill wait you never know it if can worse. Just want find out. Amazing what a little sleep will do.
  13. bartszatmary

    I dont remeber how to do that. I dont remember how to much.
  14. bartszatmary

    A handicap A man and his wife

    I Typed for 2 hours I lost 2 blogs I lose most this, this time I lose most of the text like I lost me. Well the Blog was about a Man his handicaps what he lost like the text and his wife and his feelings. I remember When Kelly was proud of me could see it when she introduced me. Now how she be proud now how could she be even happy how can she look at me and say Im glad I have Bart. Every time we go out I look at her watching out for me.how can a man be happy how can man not be angery all the time, Im sorry for my negitive feelings but how can I feel any different Im a burden just a burden to her my family everyone. Its not a pity party not at all I have delt with what happened to me. It sucks but Ill deal. But Im a burden just a burden how can I not be angery and not feel for my wife only part of her husband died and she has what is left can greave but not go on. Kelly I m sorry sorry for the grief in your life all of it. You deserved better. Your burden.
  15. bartszatmary

    A broken vacuum, a failed day

    I decided i could take thw speaker wires that surround the living room and fix them and start to attach them to the moulding. It would be neater and easyer when sweeping. Well of course I cussed alot while I was doing the project. I was moving somthing in the hallway. I didnt grap it right and knocked stuff down breaking the vacuum. She got mad. My only goal was to be good to her and not anger her.I failed. The progect was to make life easyer for her. I have not finished my project. The hard part is done. I love kelly so I hate making her upset. Ill try again to nice to everyone, not loose my temper when doing something. Be mellow and calm just for today.
  16. bartszatmary

    Brother you are not alone I could write the book, wait My blog seems to be that book. Im sure she forgave you.
  17. bartszatmary

    Just for today I will......

    .... have kind thoughts about everyone. I will only say nice things. I will will kind to everyone I see and myself. Ill help around the house take out the trash, sweep the floor, and do the dishes. I will be sweet and kind to my family. I will be loving to my wife and Ill. I will... but just for today. Tommrow is another day. I was told to livelife in the present, I realize I plan for the future alot and forget about today. When the plans dont happen for any reason, I then have nothing and, look to the past. The cycle begins again. I have nothing Get older and never wiser. Just for today Ill try to be wiser, Ill try but no pressure please its alot for today.
  18. bartszatmary

    I say let go let God. But I dont. I Could have done so much with my live but didnt and I took it out on my wife I would make my feel bad so I felt good. I have alot of education that I didnt use execpt to look smarter then everyone. But I realized I just a blue color hillbilly now. Not the cool classy NYC guy I used to be. That ment nothing anyway. Im starting over. Hi Im Bart I have 2 dogs and a wonderful wife to takescare of me.
  19. bartszatmary

    Its 20 yrs since fly fishing, got a good friend who Im going with this spring. Even have the fly tieing supplies out. Gonna try to tie a fly. Love saying that I was rehab and it was discussed between my friend and therapist. Good therapy they said. Im excited about going on the river. You have insired me to try to tie a fly I was pushing it off I dont know if I am ready.
  20. bartszatmary

    Welcome! Wow! The love. Thats what amazes me. That we are so loved that they are with us an our time of need. Its beautiful. I got tears am speechless.!
  21. Any year that starts with art is a great yr. I love drawing and painting. I have a hard time writing though. My town has historic granite even rain I stay inside. You will have to tell me about your art!
  22. bartszatmary

    Todays another day

    Kelly is off. So I share the puter. So this will be short. I lifted somthing today Im weak on the left guess Ill do somthing about that today. I went for my walk. It was cold, great to get fresh air. I met my replacement at work, a nice guy as long as hes there Ill have a job to go back to. I was about ready when I had #2. How who knows. Kelly has done the papers for ssdi Its in her hands she explanes , I forget, I wonder how it is to be married to "Pudden Head". Must be hard, even harder marriedto a a-hole. Kelly is saint. I dont want to be the same person i was. I guess Ill learn. I can observe the ones I look up to now. I feel like I have had the best days and the worst days of my life. It sucks more then you can imagine to realize your hasty etc person. If it took a stroke or two to see how screwedup I was I glad it happened. We have talked a little about her observations of the affects and effects of my stroke. I notice its my stroke. I guess its mine to beat. IU dont no. Kelly is making lunch gotta go!
  23. bartszatmary

    A thought? That hurts!

    I crave more emotional support from my wife maybe to be cottled, but do I? It bugs me when my mom does. She is doing everything for me. Im a bigger idiot then I knew. I crave her to say she needs me, she dont need me. I need her. Kelly if you read this Im sorry I wanted you to be weak telling me I have to get better that you need me. Am such a dope I wanted you to be weak to boost my spirits .... heck Im a piece of $$#%@. At the same time I NEED you to be strong do everything for me. Im a creep `an unworthy creep. Im sorry.`Please forgive me.``You say you need to find yourself. You have not lost yourself. You have grown You are a Capable Strong Independent`Thinking Confident Young Woman who had a husband who beat you down. You have grown so much since the end of may. Every wall you came accross you climbed with me in your arms. You are doing an amazing job working caring for all of us and your mean rotten pudden headed husband. You might find yourself a better person then you thought you were. Thank you for being you. Im sorry. I found out how I am Kelly's Lucky husband Bart.
  24. bartszatmary

    Its cold raining day. no walk.

    I dont need to get sick so. What to do. Arm exercises first, that leaves me wiped out. Ill do eye exercises my eyes want to see dbl close up, weak lft eye I sure. Im sure eveyone here nows how hard it is. I long for the look admiration and desire from my wife, I love her so but pushed her away because Im a idiot. The good thing is now I know . I have alot of physical work, and cogitive work to do but maybe today I work on spiritual. Ever notice blowing your nose is hard to do post stroke? You just cant clear your nose, its a pain when you have a cold, a clogged nose all day. That just makes for a bad day. I can dwell on the day to day tasks in life that are toublesome, get depressed then aggitated whats.... next Im an idiot. The pain does not help the situation. Its quiet here I feel calm, I hate when I get the "feeling" It starts with noticing my heart beat, next I feel like kid in school who had to do a oral report on a book he did not read. Ok the feeling I got in school. The sence of trouble? doom? It just starts with no thought involved out of the blue. I notice that then Im on edge. And..... prone to be an idiot. I must learn to be quiet and start thinking of my happy place. I used to ask my wife her goals in life she said to be happy, I did not know how smart she was. Id settle for relaxed. My life is good great for post stroke. My problem is IN me. My mind.? Maybe my spirit.? Both ? Is it affects of the stroke? the meds? Somethings are not in my power, but being a better person is. Where do I start? The first thing pray. Pray for patience guidance wisdom and strength. Then search my soul. Maybe this rainy day Ill pray and read the Bible. All the answers are there. This rainy day Ill seek Gods help and direction. My goal for today, learn to a person I can be proud of. That will take all day, a week, a lifetme? Have good day. A good rainy day.
  25. bartszatmary

    Time lost!

    I have realized that I lost alot of time with my stroke. The year or so before is more fragmented then childhood memorys. Barely can I remember days of working for the town. Forget the mths before, weeks, days. No wonder I get paranoid. I piece things together. To I have it right? Was I really Elmer J Fudd and I owned a mansion and a yacht? I have a nice house a boat in the drive, but it ant no mansion and yacht. As things get put together I hope Im happy with it.
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