MaryJo

A short bio since I've been off of StrokeNet for almost eight years. I live in Indiana which is in the middle of the US. My husband, Dan, stroked in 2009 and passed away in 2013 as a result of surgery. I truly can't believe that he's been gone so long, I still think of him and miss him every day. People say that you eventually get over the death of a loved one, I don't believe that to be true. I don't think you ever "get over" it rather you are able to accept it for what it is. My mantra after Dan's stroke was "It is what it is but it will be what you make it". This is still my mantra on most things in life at my age. I ran across a link to this blog the other day and was surprised that I could still access it. I read all of the posts and all of the replies that I received. It was very bittersweet and brought tears to my eyes. To read how much he irritated me and made me angry at times but at the same time made me laugh. The responses I received were all so very healing and helpful. He irritated and made me angry but I would love to have him back even for just a day. It took me quite a while to acclimate myself to life alone, we were married 26 years, dated for 9 years before marriage, and knew each other for two years before dating. So, after 37 years I felt really alone. I am so thankful that I had/have friends and family that supported me then and support me now. Aside from the death of my best friend my life has changed a lot. I'm a very independent woman and able to take care of myself, a lot of that came to me as a result of being Dan's caregiver and making so many decisions for the both of us. I am still single but have dated several very nice men, just none with whom I'd like to spend years with let alone the rest of my life. I decided several years ago that I was going to start taking a minimum one big trip each year. I've been on several cruises, a couple that were sewing cruises which I enjoyed immensely. I went to Ireland in 2019 which was absolutely AWESOME! I was supposed to go to Italy in 2020 and then COVID happened. Like everyone everywhere I wasn't able to travel even within my own state; well, I wasn't restricted from travelling within my state, I decided that I wasn't willing to travel. So I spent the last year in my home with my now eight year old "puppy" Quincy, I got him as a puppy about a month before Dan passed. He has been such a source of joy and comfort to me. I've spent my time sewing and started making greeting cards, my newest addiction. Zoom has been a wonderful source of fulfillment for me. I Zoom every week with a group of ladies that went on one of my sewing cruises with me. I also setup a monthly Zoom with some of my high school friends that used to meet for lunch every month. I've attended several online Zoom and Facebook webinairs and classes. So, I have been busy, just not socializing with people. I am fully immunized with the COVID vaccine and my state has just recently lowered some of the COVID restrictions so I've started meeting with a few friends for lunch occasionally. I don't think we're out of the clear yet but I do believe we're getting much closer. I will end this blog by saying that StrokeNet was such a source of support to me when my journey started and all of the way to the end. I know that Sue is still active on the board but I don't know if any other of the folks who supported me so much then are still members. If so, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart on helping me through the journey. I hope that I am able to stay somewhat active on the board and maybe be of help to others who are having hard times. I wish all of you peace, love, and strength.

Nancy, You are allowed to be crabby too! My Dan always did things just to irritate me...he knew exactly which buttons to push to get a reaction. I'd ask him what he wanted for dinner; he'd say I don't know; I'd fix dinner; he'd say that's not what I want, I want blah blah blah; the irritating part was that he truly expected me to fix his blah blah blah. Uh, I don't think so. I remember one time he was so angry at me he left the table and went to his room and just stared at the wall until bedtime. Just like a 4 year old would do! It made me angry at the time but the longer he just sat there the more I was able to giggle about it! I agree with Donna, you NEED to be "selfish" and take some time away just for NANCY. Take a weekend trip with a girlfriend, or just get a massage, go to a local hotel, listen to the quiet and sleep. Hugs my friend! MJ

Asha, I could feel Dan smiling and with me the whole week, I think that's why I feel so at peace. Nancy, Hugs to you too honey, hang in there. Julie, IMO, New England is truly God's country. Donna, I've always thought it sad that people who knew Dan post stroke never knew that the meaness is not how he was pre-stroke. He was a good, caring, kind man. I think of all of you often. I do continue to be a lurker, but I will check in occasionally! Hugs to all.

Thank you Cinder, I'm glad you enjoyed my post. I don't know your status, but I'll be thinking of you also...we're all on a journey, some are just different than others. Hugs.

Julie, Sounds like both of you had a good time. It was good for Larry to visit with his old friends. Enjoy the sunshine. I agree with you about the cold and snow staying away. However, I disagree about the World Series...Go Sox! lol

I wasn't sure what to do with Dan's ashes after his memorial mass. I scattered some of them along a trail he used to enjoy visiting, some of them were scattered with his mom's ashes at her parents gravesite with some mums. The rest of them, and the bulk of them, I decided to take to Maine were we loved to visit. When we lived in Massachusetts we used to visit Kennebunkport, ME every fall. Oh, what beautiful country! We usually went after peak foiliage season because the rates were lower...ever the accountant was Dan! lol I took Jeff, our friend and Dan's caregiver for two years, as a way of thanking him for everything that he did for both of us. He was and still is such a support for me and he took excellent care of Dan. He is a very dear friend. Dan's accountant mentality rubbed off on me (which is a very good thing!) so we went after peak season. We had absolutely gorgeous weather for this time of year. It was high 50's to low 60's the whole week. The colors were past peak but still beautiful compared to the midwest. The ocean was clear and breathtaking as always. Dan and I moved back to the midwest in 1990 but I still miss the smell and sound of the Atlantic ocean. Jeff had never been to the east coast. To the typical American midwesterner, taking a trip normally means going south or west; somehow, most midwesterners don't wander too far east. To see the smile and awe on Jeff's face as he took in the history and this beautiful part of the USA was a thrill to me. Knowing that he was seeing and doing things that he normally would not do was uplifting for me. He saw Plymouth rock, the oldest cemetery in the USA, the first Baptist church in the USA, sailboats on the ocean, freightliners, and so many more things. He was like a kid most of the time, biggest grin on his face! When Dan and I went to Kennebunkport we'd always climb out onto the rocks and just sit and soak up the sights and smells. Picking at the tidal pools looking for rocks and little ocean critters. Climbing the rocks was much more difficult for me now that it was 20+ years ago! Jeff was so patient, climbed ahead of me, helped me up and down the craggy large rocks. Assuring me that it wouldn't hurt me if my shoes got a little wet in a tidal pool about 1/2 second before I slipped into the tidal pool and got my jeans and my shoes a LOT wet! I haven't laughed so hard in a long, long time. Dan's ashes were scattered in a place he loved so much, along the rocky coast of Maine. It brought a feeling of closure to me, knowing that he was in a place he loved so dearly. It was a beautiful, bittersweet trip for me. I feel at peace. I loved every minute of it, but leaving was sad. Now I'm home with my sweet little puppy Quincy, whom I missed sooo much. Life goes on, the good, the bad, and the mundane. I have learned to thank God for every minute of this life, for the life I had with Dan and for the life I will have in the future. I pray for courage and strength for all of you my good, caring, supportive caregiver and stroke survivor friends. You have been like family to me for such a long time. Love and hugs to all. Mary Jo

I know exactly how you feel Sue. I learned to be self sufficient right after Dan's stroke so, on that part I'm doing ok. That's not to say that I'm not tired of doing it all, all of the time. I HATE it! But, it is what it is. The couples envy gets to me too. When I get envious I remind myself that I don't have a clue what their lives are like. They could be miserable and hate each other. At least you and Ray loved each other! That's the part that we need to remember. You know you can do it because you're such a strong woman, but that doesn't mean that you have to WANT to do it! Big (((HUGS))) to you Sue! MJ

Our weather has changed drastically. We've dropped over 20° in the last few days. I love the cooler weather, I just wish the sun would shine. I started my day with plans of cutting back the daisies, cleaning up the day lillys, and pulling weeds. All of the above are about two weeks overdue. None of them got done. This morning I was sitting in the kitchen reading the Sunday newspaper, drinking coffee, and planning my yard work activities. Then I started remembering Sunday the way it used to be. Up early, go to church, come home, Dan fixing breakfast, me setting the table, discussing the day's activities, doing dishes, planning dinner, baking a cake or pie, etc. etc. Normal mundane things that we all take for granted. Then reality hits me...Dan's stroke, near death so many times, Dan never cooking in the kitchen of our new house, not enjoying gardening in our new house, not really enjoying anything anymore. I found myself sitting in the kitchen crying, so I decided to pay bills instead of doing yard work. Haven't paid my bills yet either, just sitting here reading emails and surfing the web. What a waste of time. The weeds and bills will still be there tomorrow. Hopefully the sun will be out too. I find that weekends are the hardest times for me. Will I ever be able to remember without crying? I certainly hope so. I've been going through Dan's clothes, giving some to the son of my best friend, some to Jeff and his family. I will give a lot of them to a friend whose son is in his 50's and has Downs Syndrome. He's in a group home and his mom tells me that his clothes seem to just disappear. His roommate is blind and has no family that visits. I find this so incredibly sad. I've got most of Dan's clothes on the bed and in the closet in the spare bedroom. Both pre and post stroke Dan was a clothes hound. He loved to shop and he liked to look good. When he shopped after his stroke I'd leave the bags sit for a couple of weeks and then start making my rounds returning the items that he had purchased. Only occasionally did he ask "what happened to that (fill in the blank) that I just bought?" lol The process of going through Dan's "things" makes me very sad and sometimes I end up crying. He LOVED shoes almost as much as I do. I started going through the shoes yesterday and ended up on the closet floor crying like a baby...crying over a pair of blue dockers that he wore all the time, or his Celtic green sneakers he's had for 40+ years and still wore occasionally. I get this emotional over his shoes and flannel shirts; you can imagine how I am when I open the top drawer of his chest of drawers. This drawer has been his "private" drawer for 30 years. Although there's nothing in there that I shouldn't see, I was always FORBIDDEN to open the drawer. It was actually a joke between the two of us. Well, that drawer is still Dan's "private" drawer, every time I open it I end up crying. So, the contents stay untouched. Last week a friend asked me if I was starting to relax and unwind from the stress of caregiving for the last four years. I hadn't really thought about that before but yes, I am. I'm more relaxed than I've been in a long, long time. I miss Dan terribly, but I know that I have to move on and get my own life back. I'm working on it. It's just a slow process.

Nancy, I hope your move is going well. I know you're excited and nervous at the same time. I moved us from OH to IN, you're right...once you get in the groove you're off and running! The unpacking was the difficult part for me. Taking care of Dan and trying to put things away. Dan's family helped out a LOT. I hope you've got some help getting the move and unpack accomplished. Don't be afraid to ask for help!! Good luck and hugs. Mary Jo

Oh Sue, I truly feel your loss and pain. There is a loneliness that can't be described. Like you, I'm staying busy; but eventually I sit down in my own house and listen to the emptiness. There's a difference between listening to the quiet and listening to the emptiness. I'm only two months into being without Dan, it's so very hard to imagine the rest of my life without him. For whatever reason, this is God's plan and I know that we will get through it somehow. Peace and Blessings to you Sue.

Ditto that from me Fred!!

Loralye11, Welcome to StrokeNet. This wonderful group of people have supported me through good times, bad times, and even worse times. lol I'm so glad that what I've written has helped someone else start healing from the effects of stroke. I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Bless you an (((((hugs)))))

Thanks all for your great words of support. Fred, thanks for sharing your story of "Just Me". You've been through so much in your life, yet the words you wrote convey your happiness, celebration of life, and love for your wonderful wife. Hopefully I'll be lucky enough to meet someone who I will love and who will love me in return. God bless you and your lovely wife. You're a very lucky man.

Oh, this is such a good thing Debbie! You should be so proud of Bruce and of YOU! Bruce has come so far, but he couldn't have done it without you. You're a wonderful caregiver and deserve a big pat on the back and big (((((HUGS)))))

I'm having a problem not thinking of things in terms of "us" and "we". I'm doing blah blah to the house vs we're doing blah blah to the house. Need new kitchen chairs, what style, what color, how much to spend. Sounds silly, but I've been half of a WE team for a long time. Even though the last four years I've made all the final decisions, I still asked for Dan's input...good or bad...Dan's color choice for kitchen chairs would have been purple (no, we're not getting purple kitchen chairs). The last two years he loved purple. An aide once told him that purple was the color of royalty and, of course, Dan was royalty, so purple became his color of choice. lol I've started planning a trip to New England to scatter Dan's ashes. When we lived in Massachusetts we went to Kennebunkport, Maine every year, off season after the "leaf peepers" were gone. I've asked Jeff to go with me. He's never been to New England and he has become so much a part of our family. This is Jeff's "bonus" for the last two years of helping Dan and helping me survive. So now I have to plan a trip. Dan always handled our travel plans but now it's just ME. I know I can do it, I just can't seem to make up my mind: travel mode, route, where to go first, where to stay, do we make side trips to visit a few old friends. Oh my so many decisions with no one to discuss it with. I discuss it with Jeff, but he says he doesn't care, so it's just me. The only place I know I want to go is Kennebunkport and Newport, RI. Do I spend more money to fly or spend four days round trip driving? I seem to change my mind once a week. As of today we're flying, it will cost more but I'm an impatient person. It is such a WE world. Whether it's family or friends, it's WE, US, all multiples. Sue has also mentioned this in several of her blogs. There's just a tiny bit of envy in me when I see couples holding hands, eating meals together, and all the other things that couples do. I know life is not perfect for all of these couples, everyone has problems of some sort. But, they're still in the WE/US category. Everyone tells me that it will get easier. I'm sure it will get easier, but for now there's a tad bit of envy; or is it really loneliness? I think it's a bit of both.

Oh my Nancy, please DO take care of yourself!

Love it...You go girl!!!

Hi Sue, you are such an inspiration to me! I can't imagine going to Ireland on your own. I'm stumbling trying to arrange a week in New England to scatter Dan's ashes. I'm so happy that you had a good time. Hugs. MJ

I'm glad I said/wrote something that helped, or at least got you thinking about building your own life. I know how difficult it is. Even since Dan's death I'm having a problem building a new life. It's only been six weeks so, hopefully, the rebuilding will get easier. Hang in there Debbie, one baby step at a time! (((((Hugs)))))

Dan's been gone six weeks now. His memorial mass was a week ago. I was so very touched by the number of people that were there. Two of his high school classmates (graduated 50 years ago), a friend from Tennessee, friends I worked with 40 years ago, neighbors, a lady that I baby sat for her daughter 50 years ago, brothers, sisters, niece, nephews...oh my! The "church ladies" put together a luncheon after the mass and family came to the house after the luncheon. The in-laws left for home the next day and my sister and her husband left the following day. The funeral mass gave me some closure. It was a celebration of Dan's life and a time to mourn for his death. He is finally out of pain and at peace. I've been keeping busy. Thank goodness we've had a couple of cool weeks in central Indiana and not the drought of last year. I am, however, sick and tired of moving garden hoses to keep my grass from being brown and crunchy. I decided to bite the bullet and get a lawn irrigation system put in. It's costing more than I expected but I think it will be worth it. It just kills my back lugging around the hoses, that and the fact that I always forget to set a timer and I remember two hours later that I need to move the sprinklers. I miss Dan terribly. Some of my friends seem to think that I might fall apart any minute. I try to explain to them that I've had four years to experience my grief and prepare, not that you're ever really prepared, for Dan's death. After the stroke I grieved and mourned over what the stroke did to Dan's mind and body and what it did to OUR life, mine as well as his. Eventually I accepted what the stroke did to both of us, but I never stopped grieving the loss of how we had planned on living our retirement years. Now I'm grieving and mourning over the hole in my life, missing the man that I loved and who was my best friend. He always made me laugh, right up to the end. I do cry at some of the oddest moments. In the grocery store I'll see something on sale and think I should get it for him. Yesterday I went to an outlet mall. Dan always loved going into the cooking and kitchen stores. Well, I went into one, started thinking about Dan, teared up, paid for my small purchase, and promptly went to the restroom and into a stall and cried for about 5 minutes. I'm sure the people in there thought I was a crazy woman! I know it will get easier but I also know that I will always miss him. He's in my heart and in my head every day. Hugs to all. MJ

I know, and I think all 24/7 caregivers know, what you mean about the exhaustion. You could sleep 24 hours and still be exhausted. Your mind and body are BOTH exhausted. You're always doing, planning, ordering supplies, cleaning, encouraging, worrying, wondering what's next, on and on. I have not heard of HERO. Is there any information online? I just donated all of Dan's medical supplies to St. Vincent DePaul. Oh my, I had about a 6 month supply of ostomy supplies, adult diapers(I hate calling them diapers!), soaps, lotions, sprays, you name it. Yes, I am a medical supply hoarder. You just never know when you're going to need something again! I know I'm preaching to the choir, but please take care of yourself. Getting away for a couple of days usually helped me. (((((HUGS)))))

Reality is starting to hit me. Dan has been gone for two weeks yet I still tend to plan my activities around my old schedule of when will someone be home with Dan, what time do they need to leave, no weekend activities because Dan needs someone with him, so on and so forth. It is difficult to change old habits. I know this isn't unique to me, I've reread some of Sue's blogs and she stated she did the same thing. After being together for so long it's hard to realize that you are alone. I don't think I like the word "widow". I looked it up in the dictionary "a woman who has lost her husband by death and has not remarried". The definition is very simple, maybe I don't like the word because I haven't accepted the condition that put the title on me. There are so many things that I need to do yet I'm not doing them because I just don't want to face it. I still have a list of old friends and acquaintances that I need to call. This part is getting easier, it was much harder talking to family and close friends who really knew and loved Dan. The biggest emotional hurdle right now is planning the readings and music for the funeral mass. I need to get this done and to the church before Sr. Barbara goes on retreat I have four days left...oh my. I did start reading the material this morning. It goes over all of the stages of grief, asking for help, accepting help, loneliness, acceptance, all those things that we already know but need to be reminded. I started crying and put it down. I know I'll get it done but it just puts another stamp of finality on this whole process. I think the mass itself will bring me some peace and allow me to move on with all of the paperwork and "stuff" that needs to be done now. I hear from others that this part is a very long drawn out activity. My family is all distant but I have good support from friends, Jeff has been great. He researched selling the van and I sold it this past weekend. The garage feels lonely now with only my little car in it! I'm not sure what to do with the power wheelchair. I don't really want to get rid of it because I am a pack rat and always thinking "someone might need it some day". It weights 300 pounds so this isn't something I can easily stash in the basement; so, it sits in the corner of the garage covered with plastic and I'm sure it will become home to lots and lots of spiders. I'll probably end up donating it to St. Vincent DePaul or Little Sisters of the Poor. The same with Dan's ostomy supplies, wound supplies, and other misc. stuff. Then there's the hospital bed. Do I stash it in the basement or donate it also. This all sounds so trivial, and it is trivial, but it's still stuff that I need to make decisions about. I've made all decisions about everything for so long I'm just tired. Maybe I need a vacation, but that's just yet something else I'd have to decide. :dunno: lol I went to my cousin's house for a bbq to celebrate Independence Day. I think now I'll have a gin & tonic and sit on the porch and relax a little. I'll work on a these decisions tomorrow, maybe. :yikes:

Hi Brandy. I know you feel being alone with the person you love right there. Shortly after my husband came home after his stroke I told him I missed him. His response was so simple...I'm right here... Hang in there Brandy. You love each other and he is still there with you. Hugs