ksmith

Executive Management
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Blog Entries posted by ksmith

  1. ksmith
    I believe I hit a mile stone. I was always trying to not accept how far were my limits or what I can do for I always wanted to keep the hope alive that, even though I knew what was realistic, could be better... When I reached that point ( reaching my limitations), I got scared angry because I didn’t want it to be ‘ my cap’.   Now that it’s happened ,holy cow ,I feel better but I do understand that I may revert back to other “stages of grief  but sadly my co workers heard the 12 years of trying to accept my stroke in 3 hours. So they got the whirlwind . I am very aware that not everyone can work but I’m very aware that everyone ,at some point will come to a realization such as this and although it can be scary and It can make you angry it is a relief, at least for me.
     I am very aware that not everyone is going to be happy with the results that they have been left with from the stroke but to accept this is you is a relief, at least again for me. I know that my 'safe space' is the beach. I decided to take my camera for a friend of mine and I were talking about his photography. I wasn't even in the mood or had it even occurred to take photos.  As I was trying, and this wasn't the right camera for outside for this was a LCD display to look at.  I began to slow down and listening to my music, I began to slow down.   Sitting on the beach reminded me it’s not that bad and it’ll be all alright.  I know where my Zen Den is.  💓
     
    I'm glad I found that place for the co-worker I spoke to first, ended up going to the ER (via ambulance) for chest pains.. but she has A LOT on her plate even before me and **update She's OK*** (( back story.... This was Sunday night at 9:00p and I had already been up since 8a and due to another health issue with staff- they called me. I'm the closet. I took a nap ** 1.5 hrs** the work 11pm-7am and it was I was overly tired but I thought I was still able to do what I used to for I getting into a 'groove' well NOPE.. thankfully all my co workers understand and my supervisor knows my father for she ran cross country when my father was the coach so she reached out to make sure I was and he explained how I  so worked in the past. Granted Pre stroke and unmedicated ADHD.  So the short of the long is I can't and that's OK and all is good at work)))
     
    *****side side side note: NO One at work had ever known me to completely have a mental split,, of sorts... and now they have seen and heard the worst. I never said nor showed anything to any individual ( resident)  of the Group Home****
     
    And you can hear people say to accept is easy... but is it? Many who say they have "Despite being one of the most important life hacks any of us can master, the practice of acceptance is enduringly difficult. Where many of us get stuck is that we start out with a warped understanding of what acceptance is and how it works. We think that accepting something means getting over it. But this isn’t the case"  Link-(acceptance ) 

  2. ksmith
    So I work for the an organization that supports individuals with both mental and physical disabilities and mostly are adults, at least I where I have been. With anyone, aging may cause other health issues like dementia, Alzheimer's.  I worked with a man, who was on a chopped diet, ( food cut no more the 1 inch and eliminating foods that could cause choking) and I would explain to him that I also had issues with swallowing too. Well, I got moved to another program in since December, he had to go on Puree   and just the other day I heard he started to asperate on Ice Cream. Firstly, I would have never given him ice cream but we have to follow a doctor prescription.
    Well, it happened, he was eating ice cream and was trying to cough then, he was in an altered state.   Thank goodness there was a  staff there that is an ex-EMT  that this staff called and she ran there and the staff who was working the apartment with him, gave him the hardest thrust on his back and it was just enough to jolt him to alert and the he was able to swallow and get air again. 911 was called and he is set to have a gtub installed 4/12. But my point is the 'nurse' ( I think of her like an Rn who became a school nurse and isn't up to date with nursing education) said that until , after he came home from the hospital, to resume his chopped diet until he sees his PCP. I mean yes this is on his RX but...but... if the doctors at the ER says that wouldn't be  a good idea so it took the Staff ( former EMT, to get loud and stating, have the Doctor at the ER to write a script to stay on Nectar consistency liquid until seeing his PCP. Now , we, as staff, have brought up his ( individual) issues with swallowing. We all know a speech therapist is the one who assess our ability when it comes with swallowing. Yes, I understand that the men and women who reside in the program do have their individual rights and some have guardians but I believe that  having a therapist there can assist in their own lives. It's not taking away their right nor would it cause them not to have their independence instead affirm their ability to have the tools to live that life. I know the organization I work for truly cares for the men and women that are in the program but sometimes the macro shows a perfect view when the micro is where the heart is. 
     
  3. ksmith

    Happy feet , happy heart

    By ksmith,


    Feet life
    So after talking to my doctor about my Raynaud's and when he looked at my feet, after being in my thermal socks in a faux fur boots, my toes were already blue. So we're kinda thinking it's more stress related. Starting around July, I start wearing sock and slippers inside and warmer socks when temperatures change. We both were perplexed about my toes because , for most people and before it got worse, the pain only came when the blood returns, whether with clothing or in  warm water, and that is how it was for me::

    Step 1. turns numb and white patches that look like a cadaver foot.
    Step 2 & 3 blue or purple 
    I'd soak in warm water and then the 'pins and needle' feeling would comes as they warm up..
     
    But now I go from step 1 to 3 ( deep purple) and the two toes are in absolute pain. Pain to touch or anything touching it. The pain in unlike any pain I've felt before.
     I would run my tub , lukewarm only, and place my feet in there and when the blood and feelings would come back I would have the 'pins ad needle' feelings,  much like when your limb was 'sleep' and waking back up. 
     This time, yes I can still do that but just for two toes, one on each foot, are so painful I can't even put into words. Air, water or socks, basically anything touches or even 'thinks' it, is worse then it has ever been. 
    Most people, and I was once one, it was uncomfortable but not extreme pain. This is nuts. I never had an issue ,with pain, nothing more than the usual. My father is mainly in his hands, my aunt is mostly feet and so on back in my family is varies. 
     
    For Christmas, my mom would get me 'winter socks' that were more cute than what I needed. I tried for years to explain what I needed and until now she , thankfully, saw why I needed the thickest thermal socks available.   The problem is when I was married or at my parents house, I was not on the ground floor. Concrete under carpet. So that must explain it right? NO for I've lived here for over 6 years and never had this. 
     
    Most information you read about Raynaud's talks about cold weather and stress. Cold weather is the biggest trigger and mine but also stress that happens all year and in all weather. 
    It happened in the summer when I was trying to walk in hot sand and I was stressed over that for it was post stroke and unless I have a solid flooring, walking is so difficult. 
    I was trying to walk and not fall and I started to panic.. I lost the feeling in my feet, numb, and I ended up with a 2nd degree blister under my foot. I don't walk on sand anymore for my father is the beach director , where I go, and he drives me ,or a one of his workers ,  to the location I want to be and I text him and he picks me up. 
     (( I'm very lucky to have such a super dad and I know it... I love him))

     We are going to try a low dose of Verapamil ( is compatible with my other medicines)  to see if that helps (Taken a night). I don't have high blood pressure and have to have weekly checks with my doctor to monitor my pressures unless I feel to light headed then I am to stop immediately. 
    We are going to try this - and we will go from there.
     
    I've crossed checked my medicine with this new one as well as my doctor and pharmacist. There is always a part of my brain that always worried that, 'Will my blood pressure fall so low I won't wake up because I take some strong sleeping medicines at night?'  I know my doctor would never allow anything to happen but you know...... fear.
     
    So far it's been OK. My feet aren't cold , I've not stopped wearing heavy socks or slippers, and my side effects are mild. Nausea, constipation seem to be the biggest. 
     
    And I've been experiencing something that I've not had in a long time.. hot flashes. I'm turning the heat down to almost 60° but I always have a sweater, hat, gloves ,blanket and scarf for when the temperature fluctuates . I just hope that my fans will be good for me in the  summer or else I will be giving my electric company a bonus.  I wish I could have solar but living in an HOA either we ALL agree or nothing.. 😞  

  4. ksmith

    Hear me out.. I'm not ostentatious.. i swear

    By ksmith,


    It is what it is
    So hear me out... I'm not  snooty.. promise
     
    For the past 12 years, I've been taken care of. meaning, when I had my stroke I was married and my husband ( now ex) was taking care of the monies and life was good . When we got divorced, I moved in with my parents so, again, I wasn't paying the bills. I have money in my savings but I try not to touch it unless REALLY important.
     I found an "apartment' but went to an association and now a condo right down the road, literately.  merely .5 miles ( .8km) so I have them nearby if I need them. My neighbors know I had a stroke and are helpful, when needed.  I, thankfully, was able to buy it out right so no mortgage but just HOA fees. My ex husband is  union electrician and makes GREAT money. He also is still one of my best friends and he allowed my younger sons SSID, through me, because we have joint custody and he knows what I get a month for social security he gets in about a week and a half.
     
    That said ...
     
    I really never realized how lucky I was.
     
    I don't want to come across as  pretentious for I truly am not.
    It is more like a fresh divorce .... even through I've been divorced for years.. or like finally being on my own.. I hope that makes sense....
     
     
    I got a letter from Social Security that said , and it's true, in March my son who has been getting the Social Security  is going to be 18 so it'll stop. Well of course ...
     
    But it was ... not something I thought of.
    That'll be a loss of $640 a month. OK but you have your SSDI you get.. well yes but I had to get a job so have enough for bills. It's not cheap to live in NJ. My parents have said it's fine to move back in if I need to. Heck, my dad already has plans to transform their den ( which was a garage that he transformed into a 'bedroom' when I left my abusive ex partner in Florida...with our son ..now he is 27 and he and his partner have my grandson in Florida )  So bottom line,  my parents rock.
     
    So they offered to have me legally rent my place ,to my niece pay the bills and I move back to my parents. And they'd welcome it. I'm just uncomfortable with that for, she is responsible but there is history behind it. Or I can sell my place and I'd get my money back. The more I type this down, the more I sound contradictory but I know, at the end of the day, I'll be OK.
     
    My father said give it a year and within that time if I run into financial issues, he can help. They aren't rich but comfortable. He gets his teachers his teachers pension plus Social Security (and mom gets SSI) and because he is over 66, he can make all he wants and he drives the activity school bus to sports games, for the school he worked for, and during the summer he is the beach director at the beach in the town I grew up in and makes more then I do with SSDI and part of the jobs pay from May-Sept. He would give you the shirt off his back... my entire family, like most of yours, puts family first. I feel horrible to take anything from them because they have always done so much for me and my sister and I want them to just worry about what they are going to watch on TV lol.  But that's why family does. I'm lucky to have my family and I know that
     
    I cancelled my cable TV and only kept my WiFi but at a less speed. Bundled up more and kept my heat a little cooler than what I would have. I guess the one good thing about my surgery I can't really eat food. I;m not going to  not eat but less snacking and going out to eat , when my son comes.  I can pay my bills every month, which is the most important thing, but putting extra money into savings for taxes is going to be harder and I'm not going to get a lump at the end of the month just scattered so tight.
     
    If I took from my savings , I'd be stuck at the end of year with paying tax on it.  I've never got anything back and had to owe...  guess that is pretty self-explanatory
     
    If it sounds like I'm whining... kinda but it's weird to say this but I've never been on my own.. I hope that makes sense.
    I swear every word I type i sound like  spoiled shite. I feel like an a$$hole for even talking about this for I admire , truly admire all the stories I hear about we all do what we have to do.
     
     I'm a big girl and I know we must think like we are lotus flower. We grow no matter where we are and least expected. But we grow. I just wanted to write this down. I try not to talk about personal,, like this, often for I know it may sound, pretentious  and that is not becoming  but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'm good just like the times we are in, situations can change in a moment and that's the way the cookie crumbles
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  5. ksmith

    Unknown phone calls.. but with a happy twist

    By ksmith,


    The World we all live in
    We all get unknown callers and thankfully our cell phones have caller ID. I haven't had a land line forever. I was paying for a land line and I understand in an emergency that is ideal to have but when I did ALL I got was spam. Back in the 90's and early 00's my family, who lived in another state(s) away, we often sent a fax .. ( remember those) for none of us, family, were into small talk. EVER. So we'll write it all down and say it in a note, If follow up was needed of course we'd call. Now, I say all that as a granddaughter of the sender of most faxes sent.. even my parents, who live down the road, and I talk via text unless I go down there. * they don't just pop up at my door for they never know what kind of day I would be having that day .so they know if I go down there.. it's a good day* Talking on the phone now isn't one of my favorite activities for I can't correctly hear my own speech and , with Aphasia,  I can't read a person's face if my talking is off, especially of person's I don't know. There are a small handful of people who I will talk to on the phone outside of family and . you guessed it, most are stroke survivors or my best friend from before the stroke to today who gets me but even though we text when I am having a bad day.
     
    BUT..
     
    I started in a new group Home earlier this year and I go into work yesterday morning only to be greeted by my co worker donned in full PPE and my first thought was … How is this going to work with these guys? But yes we have to be in full PPE for a precaution for another co workers daughter was tested positive and was at work before she or her daughter knew. I have a new , deeper respect for nurses out there for I saw my two cousins, both nurses , having to do it all day.  But I tell you that to tell you this..
     
    So on January 19th I received my first vaccine and was waiting to more to sent and the state to , once again , open up testing for 2nd dose. I was in the grouping of healthcare 1A group but the scarcity of doses caused my appointment to fall around the same day that was open to 65 & older and 18-64 will health issues that would be more likely to contract the virus. I'm not complaining for I think it was a great time for them to be open. ( side bar:: my county was the #1 in Vaccine takers in the state of New Jersey) I had been trying to set up my 2nd dose, 28 days later, for where I had received it wasn't able at that time and by going on the website the state offered had some places available, within 100 miles of me, but they were only giving the 1st dose to people.
     
    So today-
     
    I'm mopping my kitchen floor and my phone rings and a number with no name on it and more then likely it's a telemarketer so I normally don't answer these but I also thought it could be one of my co workers whose numbers I do not have. Neither.. 
    It was a nurse from the County Health Department and she wanted to set up an appointment for me to get my 2nd dose. She explained to me the state was going to call those who are due for them. And on the 28 day mark. Oh Happy day!!! It's a late Christmas miracle lol   

  6. ksmith

    I am reminded of taking it slow

    By ksmith,


    slow and steady
    I had my surgery December 14 and yes my mom was able to come into the waiting room and she was able to come back into the pre op room for a moment. She waited in the waiting room and my father sat in the car( his choice) and read . I think my surgery took roughly 2 1/2 hours. I think I saw her after my surgery . I think I messaged a friend, I was very medicated. I then was taken to a room for the night. Reason being I got out of surgery to late to fill my pain medicine. My pharmacy closed at 5p as did the hospital out-patient  so the decided to keep me and to watch my swelling and pain. I'm not going to lie.. It's not fun. They had to basically cut me along my right ear to get into the joint. As basic as that may sound, I already have vertigo ( balance issues) and now swelling and trauma near my ear, which is another sense that controls balance.. So basically balance upon balance issues. I get motion sick often when I do ..really anything. The healing was getting better but I was told not to wear my night mouth guard for i grind my teeth.. I was wondering why I was having a harder time with eating my soft chopped diet I was allowed. Well I began grinding my teeth at night and making the pain so unbearable. Pain meds were not even helping. I feel like my jaw is wired shut. To open it is almost impossible but, on a positive note, I was given permission to wear my mouth guard from now one so hopefully that will help a great deal. ((sorry picture is slanted))
  7. ksmith

    I really do care.. honest

    By ksmith,


    Random thoughts
    'I really do care honest' is what I say to my friends and family I do not talk to on a regular basis. I often feel that I am the one who is distancing myself from others because I can't make plans nor care to do what I once did ( i.e. dancing, going out to eat) for I get sensory overload quite easy. Now, I know that my family and my dearest friends understand I am not the same me after all of these years. 
     
    Ok now I got that out of the way.
     
    " I really do care honest" is what I say when I try to read ya'lls topics or blogs. I love the fact that you are find it helpful to blog and to share your insights. As I tell me friends and family, please don't take it personally that I don't share nor comment. I can't comprehend what I am reading not have much to comment on for my memory cycle is scattered, at best. 
     
    Just a thought I had this morning...

  8. ksmith

    Stroke was a good thing?

    By ksmith,


    Random thoughts
    Sometimes people ask me if my stroke was a good thing to in the long run, and I am often perplexed with how to answer it. Yes the stroke took a lot of my happiness and my joy’s away and I wish that I could do a lot more than what  I can. The one positive thing, however, was I was correctly diagnosed and finally medicated for  my ADHD. And that way I feel like stroke was a benefit to me because I feel like I’m a better person. I just wanted to Blog that random thought that I had at 3 o’clock in the morning. ( getting ready for my overnight shift tomorrow night watching Dark Shadows the TV)
  9. ksmith
    I'm selfishly happy that school will be remote, till at least mid-October. That means that my son will still be able to come visit my on the weekends, as per regular, but when school starts, we  will have to go back to Face Time, Zoom and other ways because the county he is in has a higher amount of Covid-19 than mine and school is a cesspool of germs. It's funny how we would not be thinking about this like we are now.  We have to keep PPE where I work and conduct temp checks , masks, gloves daily. It's a scary time.
     
     
  10. ksmith
    I don't blog but as I sit here at 1:13a ( EST) my mind was thinking of how "easily" I was able to change my sleep pattern. I say easily with great skepticism. Why? Well I do have rough nights when I don't take my ADD medications.. ok so why can i do this? Coffee? Given. But I was always a night owl. Living on 2-3 hours of sleep ( mind you this was pre-stroke and pre ADD meds) and indulging a 'breakfast of champions" which consisted of a bag of Doritos and a can of Mt Dew. I later found out it was the Mt Dew that was keeping me in balance for an ADD/ADHD brain runs , let's say, with a low battery life. You need a good charge of electrical function to have a "normal" functioning brain and the caffeine was the substitute for new batteries. But , we all know that caffeine doesn't last long. So we drink more right? At that time I had a condition called SVT or , in the way I understood it,  your heart has a flap, much like your throat for breathing and drinking water. When you drink, the flap closes so no fluid gets in. Well your heart has that so the electrical currents circulate all throughout your heart. Well my flap remained closed so the current would get stuck and cause my heart rate to jump from 88bpm to 250bpm when I exerted myself. So that wasn't pleasant so I didn't drink a lot of caffeine. It's fixed now but if I drink to much caffeine around the time I take my ADD meds, I go into a extra hyper mood. BAD. ((side note: when I was talking to a guy on the phone for the first time ( a while ago) I did just that and it wasn't good)) I typically get home around 8a ish, and i try to go straight to bed. Must shower and feed cats.. OK so  now around 9a.. I fall into a deep sleep till about 1pm. Not nearly enough sleep. See before my stroke, staying up is a breeze.. But now, I must stick to my bedtime ritual of finally hitting the hay around 5-6a on my days off. So I work one overnight and one 3-11. So you say that's crazy to keep that time when you don't have to work. And to that I say ...you're right . But as with everything we must do after a stroke, we must practice for a while to get back into the swing of things.. Me it's conditioning my sleep schedule . Before working, I would spend weeks to months doing the same things to better relearn on simple task like walking .
     
    There was a thought to this but I've lost it.. so there  is a sample of life in my brain. I circle then lose my point.. As I normally say.... There ya go.. you're welcome 
  11. ksmith

    F.A.S.T indeed

    By ksmith,

    SOOO..
    For someone who is one Plavix or another blood thinners you must stop for at least 5 days to 7 before and same afterwards. And , i found out later, is just the amount of time for clots to form that could cause for another or your first stroke.  SO I had to stop 5 days before and 7 after. No problem for I've had to stop it before for a medical procedure.
     
    OK..
     
    Before I proceed, I'll give some history.
     
    When I had my stroke, in 2009, I had to be intubated and I developed TMJ from them over extending my jaw.  Due to the circumstances, I'm not complaining but it hurts periodically. In recent months, it has been hurting more frequently.
     
    **caught up**
    The end of January, I had a hemorrhoid removal surgery and normally you aren't intubated but because of the size of mine and time it would take, I was and again my jaw was adjusted. However, this time for a few days after, my jaw felt normal again. No pain.... UNTIL... Sunday I was chewing on a gummy fiber supplement and my jaw 'slipped' from where I thought it was fixed. The pain was horrible and for a time I could not close my jaw. I felt dizzy and vertigo ( bad to me for I have a baseline and this was beyond) I took some of my Ibuprofen and a warm compress and it seemed to be better.  Monday and Tuesday I had small bouts of vertigo but only lasted for a few moments.  Wednesday I spent mostly in bed for I was beginning to feel very nauseous and dizzy more often. Thursday late morning, I was out and out of no where, I was hit with one if not the worst vertigo attack that I've ever had. The world spun and when I was trying to walk straight I couldn't do it. Instead I veered to the right and I looked and felt like I was going to vomit. SO I sat down, where I was, and waited it off. Then after a time I walked to my car and sat in there and gathered myself again for a time.  I finally felt normal and made it home for stroke chat. I was feeling woozy during chat and after, I went to lay down. On and off I felt dizzy.  I was darn near 100% sure it was my jaw. SO  to bed I go.
    Friday, I woke up and slowly got out of bed and barely was able to walk around my bed without failing on to my bed. So after I gathered myself, I went to the living room to call my doctor. I made an appointment but it wouldn't be until Tuesday. Well the feeling was something that I couldn't do all weekend plus work Monday night. So to be proactive, I went to my local hospital ED. ( 3 miles down road)
    I was feeling OK when I got there but I wanted an x-ray of my jaw.  So when I walked in I said " I think I misaligned my jaw and I have had bouts of vertigo unlike how I have felt following my previous stroke" I had not sat down when a nurse called me into fast track in ED  I had a team of nurses and Doctors around me assessing me. While that was happening one nurse said that they were all on high alert for a 30 yo was in last week with stroke. I then began to understand why they were hyper vigilant, even so I kept trying to explain I thought it was my jaw. 
    On one hand I was glad to see them go into action and the other was just wishing they would look at my jaw.  I was taking to CAT scan w/contrast. I'm allergic to it and they had to give me benadryl , in my IV so it IMMEDIATELY went into effect. SO not only were the ED concerned I was having a stroke, I was now slurring my words and fighting to stay alert. So I was in the ED for 7 hours, mostly waiting for the transfer to send me to the Stroke Hospital I went to 11 years ago. Last time I was medi-vac trauma. I was in ambulance for that was in another emergency. I had a paramedic riding with me. SO The ENTIRE TRANSPORT CREW were flipping attractive. I mean I was taken aback at first. The transport dispatch sent us to wrong building. We got out . It was cold and night. Walked into the building, went to the 8th floor and only to find out we were in the wrong building. We had to go 2 city blocks up so we had to go down again. Load up. and they were pissed because god forbid I was in an acute emergency, time is everything.
    So we finally get there and I was in another team in the NICU (Neuro intensive Care Unit) and I felt conflicted again for I wanted my jaw looked at but glad I was taken seriously with a stroke history.  I was waiting for a nurse to come to I can get my phone to call my parents I made it but before that I hear over the loud speaker " Attention All Staff... Code Blue 8th floor ( my floor) room 808  ( I'm 810) so more staff then I've seen gather run past my door. Of course I'm feeling horrible to taking a bed from someone who could use it more. I hear the Dr's tell a person on phone they have been doing compressions for 30 mins and ordered blood. I then am reminded of how lucky we all are, no matter what stroke did to us, for we aren't guaranteed life. The bells stop , after a bit, as well as a code blue cancellation called so I guess it was good. ( fingers crossed)
    SO , I'm NPO (nothing by mouth) so no food for 14 hrs when I'm told I am going to get a MRI ( it's 1:30a).  I get unhooked for all my machines and a nurse wheels me down. I speak to the tech and he thought I had a stent in my carotid artery. I told him no it was in my vertebral .I was told I can't do it for the MRI is a lot stronger and may try to pull my stent out, even after 11 years. So Back we go to wait .  I can't complain for everyone on shift were amazing. They work 12 hr shifts so I had who I first saw until 7a and same for day. I had the same nurse Sat & Sun so I was happy. She was awesome!!
     
    So.. I  was told the MRI was going to take some time for the machine broke and needed parts. This may puzzle some because if I were having a stroke but rest assure if it was critical, they would have sent me to the main hospital. Looking over the testing I had in my local ED and compared to my scans that I had after my stent looked the exact same.  I had the same 2 out of 3 DR's  on my team. Since I was being monitored and the doctor in charge of  case is " The  Big-Wig" Neurosurgeon of the hospital and in Philadelphia. ( the city I was in . Temple University, Uni of Penn hospital, CHOP ( children's hospital  ) to name a few. I was in Jefferson Neuro)) So He and the other doctor who was a fellow and now a Resident  were one half of my team. The Neurology Department made up the other half. So again, since I wasn't critical, I took a back seat and rightly so. I was on stand-by all of Saturday morning, my parents came up, thinking I was going to be released for I was on 24 observation only. Then in the late afternoon, I got the OK for the MRI. OK Brief note, I'm VERY claustrophobic. I forgot I had to wear the 'cage' for head. MAN.. my heartbeat and  BP were clearly  I was given earplugs, extra padding, around ears, and a lavender washcloth over my eyes and panic squeeze call bell. The tech reassured me I was only in a tiny amount,  The touched my legs to show me. I sucked it up and was stiff as a board in nervous. (( For my follow-up in 3  weeks I was told take my Xanax)) It wasn't that loud for extra stuffings. When finished, I was given the ALL CLEAR to eat!!!! You would have thought I won the lottery., I had to wait for my floor Neuro to read the scans but there was an emergency so I probably be spending another night. Considering I was not critical, my stay was not a bad thing.
    So this morning,
     
    I got the OK from Neuro surgeon (  was fellow now resident) The test showed NO new stroke, which I already knew but relieved just the same, and was given the go home OK. I came home Sunday morning.
     
    BUT.... MY JAW STILL HURTS LOL
     
    Bottom line _ it made me happy to see F.A.S.T. in real time action . Not in a crisis.  It makes me sad that some hospitals still aren't taking people at their word and running the pro active actions.  I was talking to a nurse, in my local ED, about strokes from neck manipulation and she commented that it must not happen that often for 'we' never hear from it. I gladly shared my story as well as the Doctors in Jefferson Neuroscience Hospital shared how many they see. Granted, it can't always be traced to the chiropractor due to signing of waivers , luckily, I didn't and it happened immediately. There was another nurse there that concurred what I was saying.  But short of the longer, I'm healthy. 
     
       
     

  12. ksmith

    colonoscopy...

    By ksmith,

    well today was my colonoscopy. My 5th. The reason was for I have pre cancerous polyps. Great news, I have no new polyps.   BUT I have 2 internal hemorrhoids that are the largest he has seen in his 25 years of practice. OH BOY. SO ... I go see a specialist Friday, 13 for a consult . ARGGGGG.. my poor buttocks but two things to take away...1. I had the BEST nap ( thanks to anesthesia) 2for the next 5 years, no colonoscopy.

  13. ksmith
    I received a Facebook message from a friend that I've not spoke to in a long time that made my mind spin. If you have views that you TRULY believe in, make sure to share it with someone you know shares that view. I have been studying and practicing Buddhism, and with that I try not to let myself get really involved with the zeitgeist of today. WELL, I just had surgery and being on a bunch of pain medicine, my mind isn't as focused  . I may have caught that  person off guard by immediately sharing my opinion . I feel bad but people are people. I'm trying not to get really into this for it may offend some people. Basically, religion. Depending where you happen to be born determines how you believe. That's fine with me. My issue is when someone says someone else's views are wrong. No one is better than the other. To you, back to where you were born, are taught your practices are the right one. Same with everyone around the world. But to instill your personal views onto others is not right, in my view.  I truly don't wish to disdain myself but I feel that everyone has a right to their own happiness and practices. To believe that others will try to make you change your views are just wrong.  The reason why we say " Happy Holidays" no :"Merry Christmas" is not everyone celebrates Christmas. 
    Reasons range from the belief that 'every day is a holy day,' as promoted by some Quakers, to a desire to observe those days the Bible emphasizes, such as the Old Testament holy days, while others, such as Jehovah's Witnesses, suggest any birthday, even that of Jesus, shouldn't be celebrated," writes Mark A Kellner for the Desert News.
    Among the largest group of Christmas-shunners are the Jehovah's Witnesses, which number close to 2 million in the United States, Kellner writes. The group once observed Dec. 25, but dropped the observance in 1928.
    https://www.orlandosentinel.com/features/os-christians-who-dont-celebrate-christmas-20141215-post.html
     
    We, as a society, are trying to be understanding for
    religions that are practiced by other people.  I just want everyone to get along
     
     
     
    ((this is my own opinion)))
  14. ksmith

    1 year old soon

    By ksmith,

    Thanks Sue for the push to write.
     
    Blogging has always been hard for me. The words don't always make it from my brain to my fingers. HAHA. Some would argue that the word don't go from my brain to mouth.  I would have to agree with that one.  I never seem to have something to write about for the thought doesn't stay in my head long enough. But I'll try:
     
     In March, my mom and I are driving to Florida, via North Carolina to stay with my sister and family. I was going to fly  but it was going to be costly. It will be my grandson's first birthday. I'm excited to go and see him. My father, drives an activity school bus now that he had retired from teaching, and used all the money he earned and booked us a room for 7 days. I am beyond being u[set not seeing him as much as I would love to but I know I'll be the coolest Mimi ever.   That's about as far as I can think of writing. I'll have pictures for sure
  15. ksmith

    Oh my

    By ksmith,

    I haven’t written for a while. But I had to write this for I am so happy?!?!?!

    I was sitting on my front yard (a common front yard for I live in a condo) and had my bathing suit top, shorts and on my stomach reading a good book. I was unaware of anything for I was deeply involved in the book. When I got up and re positioned my chair I head a “hello” and I couldn’t see for I as wearing my reading glasses. I took them off and he extended his hand and introduced his self. I can’t remember his first name but we joked for his last name is Kelly and I said it was spelled wrong. He told me that he was looking at a unit to buy, we had some small talk and I explained that I know all the units, in my building, were already occupied.

    You could tell I wasn’t in to small talk because I was putting my glasses back on. He walked in the parking lot and called the agent and he came back and told me it was 23 not 31. Again… me- oblivious

    I said “ I hope you find it and have a good day. He asked me if I was single and I said yes and he asked me if I wanted to get drinks.. I told him I don’t drink and he said dinner?

    I was almost ready to say ‘no thank you’ but WTH I deserve it.. He asked for my cell phone # and was off and I came in.
     
    I’m nervous to make “THE TALK” you know.. Why I am the way I am. This has always been my fear.  But dinner is marriage lol. The real test is if he calls. .


     
    I did day to him. “Hope to see you again” but the way I said it was like I would say at the bank.. Informal politeness.

    But we’ll see But just asking was all I needed


  16. ksmith

    finally

    By ksmith,

    Well, this Sunday afternoon I fly to Florida to finally meet my grandson. It's so weird to say grandson. But I love that I'll be a Mimi. 🙂 This little guy has been through a terrible first month but he'll be two months this 18th.. I sadly won't be there for that but I'm eternally thankful for his grandparents opening their home to me. It'll be a good visit.. HOT.. yuck   

  17. ksmith

    ******sigh******

    By ksmith,

    It’s been a while since I have made a block here. I am been in a funk. A funk that I don’t often talk about and I try not to talk about on the website. I try to always be happy and cheerful and I love to encourage other people. But as of late, I am been in a deep funk. Akin to a depression. In bed , can’t quite get out, however I  do you go to work on the four days that I do strictly because you have to make ends meet.  I guess it’s just the 810 year itch you could say. Coming to terms that I have exhausted most of my doctors to try to see if the last bit a remnant could come back to at least have good eyesight or good balance. I listen to a lot of people and I am encouraged by other peoples journeys and other peoples advice and I try to take it myself but as of late I’ve been almost nonexistent and that is why. But after talking to my family and friends, I have been doing a lot better,  I think that when the weather changes and the sun is out and it’s a warm hopefully I will feel better. I also know that as of the end of June when I do have to cut my hours back, but unfortunately I will be working every weekend which stinks, I should have a lot more energy and a lot more time to reflect on all of the good things that I have and as far as I got him. I guess a lot has to do with the memory and I getting into this anxiety about not remembering how I got to be 44, which sounds bizarre, and I’ll be turning 45 this month and it scares me for I think that my life is halfway over and I don’t know how  I even got here. 
     
     But like I said this is only a temporary funk and I think that I’ve been getting a whole lot better, I feel good, and I’m doing a lot of self reflecting which I think that’s going to help me and now you’ll be inundated with my positive comments to the point that you probably want to smack me in the face. 
  18. ksmith

    I still got it

    By ksmith,

    So, this is a sad story but the way I acted throughout it renewed my faith in myself.
     
    So Saturday past, it began as every Saturday at my work. Made breakfast, assisted the woman I aide with her bath, took her and another client to the closet bus stop. Basically a normal-ish day. UNTIL...
     
    After dropping off the individual to the bus stop, we, my client or individual, as we should refer, returned back to the program. That is what we call the place where individuals reside. We just pulled into the parking lot and was walking up to our office, so I may drop off the van keys, and another individual was coming out of his apartment and had a strange look on his face and said. " we need your help for AF( the persons initials ) can't breathe. She won't wake up". I said " What?" and he repeated it. I was holding on to the hand of my client and pulled her along with me and we, mainly me, ran.. KM ( MY individual) was being pulled hard by me and I basically flung her onto the couch in the apartment and said " please sit here"
     
    I heard the other staff in the back saying " we need to get her on the floor" because she was on the bed and we needed to perform CPR. 
    Two things: 
     
    I didn't think I could run but I made it happen. I am not super strong anymore but I helped to get 200+ pounds off the bed in one move.
     
    We performed CPR in two rounds each while waiting for the  EMT's and other emergency  personal to arrive. ( She sadly didn't make it)  It was fast, that I do know.. I mean she was talking and within 10 mins she was gone. She had a lot of health issues
     
    I did things I didn't thinks I could do anymore. I mean,it's not the ideal situation to realize this but I now know when push comes to shove , my brain wont clam up.  
     
     
    The only thing I did forget was ,' Lift with your legs not back' I is very sore 
  19. ksmith

    It's a boy

    By ksmith,

    Well, I did a fast trip to Florida to attend my first grandchild gender. Apparently, I was the ONLY one who didn't know. But it was wonderful. I cried for I was looking at my baby and knowing he was a man and a daddy.  They had a die dust bag they put under a truck tire to do a burn out, spinning a tire on concrete, which made a TON of smoke and burning rubber smell/ YUCK .
     
    The travel down was interesting, to say the least. I flew from Philadelphia to Dallas/Ft Worth.. first. ( all in saving money and I forgot about the time difference (( they are 1 hour behind us)) to dis board, wait for roughly 20 mins and re board the same plane to go to Orlando. Oh yes, this was a  Disney flight.  I am so glad I down loaded pod cast to listen to. So then exiting the Orlando airport, which is massive, but I normally walk across the bus lane and get my rental car. Again, in the spirt of saving money, I went off site. Ok No biggie, I received and email saying I will get a shuttle to the rental lot. Did I forget to say it was like summer. 82 ( kinda chilly for Florida but summer for NJ ) in jeans and standing out side for the shuttle... and waiting... roughly 45-60 mins waiting and I called them asking if someone would please come. 25 mins later the shuttle came, and we drove for about 10 mins. Holy cow. But in the long run, things don't go as planned but it's an adventure. Finally got the car and headed out.  Seeing at night and raining,,, it was a journey. I literally drove to 2 mins away and it was to much for me so I called my son  and he and his girlfriend met me and he drove me to their home. 
    Ashley, my son's GF, was kind to give me her bed, which was made in heaven. Her family, now my family, are absolutely wonderful. My ex ( my son's father & his GF) made up their backyard into a beautiful party site. 
    All I can do is smile.  ( the picture of Ashley doesn't do her justice) she is lovely 
  20. ksmith

    it finally happened..

    By ksmith,

    So while I was driving at night, around 11:30p leaving work last night, I saw flashing red and blue lights in my rear view window.  As always I was very nervous because of  having a hard time seeing at night. So the black and white had EXTREMELY bright spotlight shining in my side mirror that pointed directly in my eyes. I already had a head ache and super tired. I just worked 3-11 after working all weekend.   The officer, or first officer of 4, yikes four, knocked on my driver side window and asked if I was drinking or doing illegal drugs. ( side note:: my father informed me that the area I work in and near is known for many arrests of DUI or DWI)  I put my license on my lap with my other documentation and of course when they walked to my window I dropped it and couldn't find it. I eventually found it between my seat, while he was standing there. I screamed " I found it" and didn't realize he was standing next to me.  I told him I had a stroke and due to SSDI not paying my bills, I had to go back to work and showed him my work ID. When they walked back to their car, I'm assuming when they ran my ID, it said I was a registered handicap driver and must have my heath reason .. I think? But ultimately, and thankfully, he walked back to me and issued a warning. I said I really wanted to go home and sleep.
     
     My fear always has been I would be asked to do a sobriety road test and I know I would fail.. That was close enough to my nightmare.  
  21. ksmith

    I knew I smelled something

    By ksmith,

    So when things started to look okay, working isn’t a fact I’m looking forward for but it is a must, and I was able to get back on track, the reality of my nose finally made sense. Let me explain:
    I often said I smelled ‘cigarette smoke’ every time my air conditioner turned on. I said smoke because I couldn’t make a comparison to anything else.  I bought cleaning supplies to clean my air conditioner unit with my father. I had to wait until a cool day and now is the time. We opened the closet door to my air conditioner air compressor thingy, we saw a large puddle of water on the floor. My water pan, for the moisture, was always overflowing.  There is a flap that is supposed to be on the unit where you insert the filters mine wasn’t there. For the past almost every years... I didn’t know so all the moisture from outside is coming directly to my unit.  So the smoke smell I was always smelling is in fact MOLD. I do have two air purifies and they work nonstop. So tomorrow I have someone coming out to give me an estimate for either cleaning or replacement. UGH... When it rains it pours. Just venting... It’s all good. It is what it is. I just came back from a stroke support group luncheon with three other groups (Caregivers, TBI, stroke survivors) I feel ok and tomorrow after I meet with the repair man I have a meeting for tax freezing, for those on disability. That means you pay a set so if it goes up I pay it but I get the difference back at the end of the year then to meditation in the afternoon to end my day. Namaste

  22. ksmith

    Manic Monday

    By ksmith,

    Well Monday I go back to work for the first time in 9 years. As we all know, living on Social Security and single, is very difficult. It is so expensive to live in New Jersey, or any where for that matter. Don't get my wrong, I'm thankful for what I do get but it's so tight. I know when I finish with orientation, two weeks 70 hrs., I'll go to part-time so I'll have down time. I've been trying to stay busy everyday to get adjusted to staying focused and that hasn't really gone as I  hoped. I'm good for a few days but after that I completely shut down.
      I know I sabotage myself by pushing back on things, I know I do it and still I get worried. My head, on today it has been raining, feels like you've been on a tire swing and spun super fast and now you're trying to walk. I often call it my A-HA walk. in the video he bounces back and forth on walls. I know I just have to do my best and I know once my air ducts and/or AC unit cleaned or new, I'll feel better. Breathing in mold, as I have for the past 4 years causes chronic fatigue ( on top of the fatigue I already have).. I'll put my best foot forward.   🤞🏻
  23. ksmith

    fast no more

    By ksmith,

    Yesterday I finally had my ablation on my heart to stop the rapid heart beat. I wasn't nervous for my cousin, who is a cardiac nurse and also had this done, walked me through everything. It didn't hit me that I remember them adding the adrenalin to make my heart race so they could find out where the 'road block' was. Basically,  you have two tracks that the electrical currents  in your heart go around that keep your heart function.  So Imagine you have two tracks above each other but the one with that contains the faster of the current (: if you get excited or caffeine your heart beats faster and you also have a slow lane that keeps the balance- ) well one of mine didn't have a complete track because one of the tracks had extra muscle that made the faster currents speed faster in half the space.  
    When the current would get trapped in the smaller loo[p, my hear rate would jump to 240+ beats per min. SOOO..
    When I felt them making my hear to go fast, my jaw started to hurt, I began to sweat , same as always, but when it stopped I thought they  stopped the medicine for I didn't feel the usual chest pains but it just stopped beating fast. That was the time when he performed the procedure and fixed the problem.. it is amazing.
     
    The down side is they went into both side of my groin so pain, no driving, no swimming, no lifting.. To most people that might sound like a day off but no driving to my Aunts house to swim in her pool.. But I can drink coffee.. but I'm still scared but he ( the Dr) said it was textbook so no issues. Same day.. Long day. My parents and I left my house at 4:30a for the 90 min drive.. put on to prep at 7:15a wheeled into the OR 8am   finished at 12pm.. post op full bedrest until 4:00pm.. leave hospital 4:30pm (Philadelphia Rush Hour) made it home by 6:45p.. My son, 15, stayed home with the cats.. don't blame him..  I slept partially seated for my pelvic area was so sore.. Better today.. Apparently I emailed people while still drugged lol  
  24. ksmith
    Yesterday was both an exciting day and frightening for I submitted my first job resume in almost 10 years. My doctor hasn’t entirely allowed me to work a part-time schedule but I’m looking for just that. I see him on the 20th if this month and will talk it over with him. The reason being is, to no surprise for many survivors, I can’t play my bills.. I mean I can but it will only leave me with under $100 for the month, and that’s not including food or property taxes & car insurance.   I have been talking about this a lot but I had to start paying for my Medigap insurance.  What that is is Medicare only pays for 80% of a bill and sometimes less than that so the Medigap, or Blue Cross/Blue Shield of New Jersey, should cover the rest. We all know some medical bills can cost a small fortune and when you’re on a fixed income, repaying what you owe can be darn near impossible.  Being under 50 and a resident of New Jersey, I am limited to just this insurance and if I don’t get that insurance, I cannot get a Medigap plan again until I’m 65 years old. Pretty crappy… yeah…
    I didn’t realize it would cost me so much for my plans- Both Medicare and Medigap. Almost half of what I get a month. Thankfully I have P.A.A.D (Pharmaceutical Assistance to the Aged & Disabled) I’m not sure if it’s just in NJ but anyway that covers my medication.  So I know every little thing helps but yeesh.
     
    So back to my resume- I was a my DVR (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) and we talked about the ARC of Cape May County (Mission Statement
    The Arc of Cape May County, Inc. promotes and protects the human rights of individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities and actively supports their full inclusion and participation in the community throughout their lifetimes.   The Arc of Cape May County, Inc. is committed to enhancing the quality of life of those individuals and their families through direct services, advocacy, empowerment, education and prevention.) So as you can tell by the mission statement that is a fantastic place to work for in another life, I worked in an institution for those who were well bad off. But I digress….
    Every job that isn’t basically winning the lottery sounds way beyond my abilities. I know I’m walking into the unknown and I haven’t even got the job yet but I worry that I can’t make it. I mean I get super tired after a busy day. I know I’m just putting on the brakes of what my mind is telling me because it’s a new thing. I really need to just see what happens and talking to my doctor (Neurologist) and be thankful I have a contact coming to me that will eliminate the bouncing in one eye and be grateful for those things.
     
    Being an adult stinks sometimes.  Thank you for letting me vent and I apologize if I’ve ranted a lot about this but as with everything else... It’s a first for me.
  25. ksmith

    Nice to Knit ya..

    By ksmith,

    On Mondays, for the time being, I go either to my Aunts house or other members home and knit. I learned how to knit from my grandmother but learning after stroke is basically learning all over again. I enjoy it. I enjoy the company of the group. They are very understanding of my speech and having my Aunt there helps a bunch. She has been knitting for a billion years and with in 3 weeks ( she says she really didn't have time for this.. yeah right) she knit my little cousin a sweater jacket.  A SWEATER JACKET..  I made a thing... it's kinda a scarf.. or a pot holder mat.. I know I'll get there....and yeah she can also knit with out looking...  It's tiring.. mainly for my eyes but it will get better. I'm not sure how long I can stick the Mondays for in a few days, I'm going to Department of Vocation Rehabilitation ( DVR ) t seek a part time job. My doctors have only cleared me for a tiny bit, like 4-6 hrs a week, but I can't survive on just me. As with life, we all must persevere