Jillian26

It's been almost a year since my stroke and I'm happy to say that I am completely heal. I still have to deal with my brain damage and my memory lost and balance issues but today is my birthday and I can't even say how happy I am to be celebrating another one.

Thanks guys. Asha, I'm starting to realize that myself. Sometimes it's hard to control my anxiety, but I find that just and as bad as it sounds, getting away from them for a while helps out a lot. It's hard to come to grips that this is going to be apart of my life now and trying to manage it hard cause this is never something i've dealt with on this level before. There were anxiety after car accidents but that faded away. This, after 9 months, hasn't faded yet so I don't think it will but now I have a different outlook on it. I'll learn to deal with it now that it's one of only three things i have to deal with now. Now that I don't have to worry about losing my life, i think i can deal with anything. =)

I went and had my last cerebral angiogram done a week and a half ago, and I'm all healed. Everything is better. My clots are gone and my arteries are healed. It's amazing. I don't really know how to react to it because i've been sick for so long. It's almost like I believe it but at the same I'm waiting for the other shoes to drop. I feel as thought i've gotten the wind back in my sails for the first time in a long time. Charlie and Trinity have been so happy lately. Trinity has saying that she is so happy that she gets to keep me. And Charlie has a light in him that I haven't seen him in along time. I've started school and feel like i'm not just standing still watching life go on around me. The only thing i have to do now is try and live with the effects of the stroke. I've developed a lot of anxiety disorders so I've been put on a lot of anxiety medications and the memory loss, I thought that would clear up but not so much... I guess that's something that is going to stick around. I hope that maybe one of these days that it will clear up, but I doubt that it will. The anxiety though is something that is going to be hard to deal with. When I'm not on my medication, it is horrible. I mean and nasty and flip at the drop of a dime and usually for no reason... It definitely makes me feel crazy, but now with the clots and arteries all healed up, I think that it will be easier for me to try to manage. Now, I just have to figure out whats next, lol. There are so many possibility that I got back with that news, now i just have to figure out where to start.

Welp so I was thinking on what some of y'all had said regaurding my last blog so I've been making a bigger effort. My mood swing and funks are a pain but she is understanding so. Been soing her hair and nails and playing around with her and taking her shopping and coloring and watching movies. i have noticed tho just of late that she like to ask A LOT of questions during movies lol. " What happened to him? what's that on his face? why is she doing that? Where are they? Why are they there? Why is he in jail?" Lol. I'm trying and it does seem to be helping. Charlies taking her when I get overwhelmed, like right now he and her are at the park and I'm taking some me time after I took her shopping and played with her and helped her clean her room today. I got my CT results back and they said I am improving which I'm excited about. I still have to be reallly careful and stay on my coumadin but they said " It's not normal but it's more normal than before" But I'm also starting to think that all these changes are permanent.... And that is scary.... I don't like this me. I like the old me. I don't want to be like this. I'll figure something out. But as for now I'm going to bask in my good CT results.

Ugh. So I just had one of them days. I wasn't feeling good today and then on top of that I had my CT so I couldn't eat after 10:30. After that I just wanted some peace and quiet and i just feel so bad because I keep pushing Trinity away. I feel like the eight hours that she is at school isn't enough time away from her and it makes me feel like a horrible mother. I just want peace a quiet all the time anymore. I feel so lowsy. What's wrong with me? I don't want to make her feel like I don't love her or like her or want her around. It's the last thing that I want to do, but of late, I can only take so much of her before I have to get away from her and it honestly makes me feel like a steaming pile of crud. Not feeling these mood swings. Emotional whiplash is a bitch.

Haven't been around in awhile, I know. Thinks have been so.... interesting. Charlie got to stay behind. And then my brother came home for leave from over seas and had a family 911 and had to stay for emergency custody of his girls so he moved in with us for awhile. I think that I've found a pace with my recovery. I'm still a little scare. Not as much as everyone else though. I have a agenda so that i can keep up with my coumadin doses and all my doctor appointments and I've printed out all the things that I should stray away from eating and put them on the fridge. I'm back to doing light house work. Not dishes thought, I hate dishes. I try to make it to the gym every now and then and to physical theapy when I can. Now this is where the whole "not as scared as everyone else is" thing comes in. My physical therapist won't come near my neck, lol. I think that it is funny cause I told her that I was cleared my my neurologist for massages just not manipulation but no, lol. I also am having a little trouble on the Charlie front. I was waiting in the waitng room at the hospital to get my blood taken to check my thyroid when i felt like i was having another stroke so I freaked out and ran out and someone followed me out and took me to the ER and on the way there I was so worried that that was what what was happening that I had a panic attack. Charlie has me on bed rest now. Bad thing is that I'm starting to get used to it in here. Good thing is that I am finding my stride after this. Some speed bumps along the way. Awhile I couldn't get my PT/INR up where I needed it so, ya know, stress and then the thing with Charlie and then now with the nose bleeds that go on all day and don't stop and the fatigue and weakness but I'm slowly but surely finding it. It's the silver lining and boy oh boy, is it SHINEY!!!! (Tom! Lol)

So for about the past two or three weeks or so, we have been really trying to work on keeping Charlie here when his ship gets underway on this month, but to no avail. Even with a letter from my doctor saying that what happened to me usually kills the ppl it happens to, but also that if it happens again it will most likely kill me, and that I am still in critical yet stable condition. But they don't care. Their words were " Her family needs to sucks it up and help". Excuse me?? Who the hell do you think y'all are? My folks are 16 hours away and my mom just had hip replacement surgery and can't travel, my big sister and little sister just had babies, one last June and the other in Sept, and they both work two jobs and my baby sisters lives with her boyfriend and his parents and she works two jobs and is enrolling in school this year and all three of them are 9 hours away, so come on. What everyone else has to put their lives on hold for Charlie and the Navy but the Navy can't cut Charlie a break and let him be home with his sick wife so that she isn't left alone with their 8 years old daughter for 5 1/2 weeks with my condiition? Ever since we moved here, and he has gotten on this boat, I've has lost all faith and standing with the Navy. I have given everything for the effin Navy and still they want more even after I've pushed myself past my breaking point to a effin stroke? Are you freaking kiddin me?? when he leaves i will have to go right back to the stress filled life that comes with being married to the military and that's not condusive to my healing and taking care of myself. i don't know what the hell I am going to do. I feel like leaving this solely on Trinity, I'm just not comfortable with this. I mean i understand that kids younger than her have called 911 and saved their parents live but that was like outta the blue. i don't want to have to perpare her for the fact that something is going to happen to mommy ya know. She's eight. I want her to be worried about her Littlest Pet Shop ans Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place and, God help me, Justin Bieber, lmao. I don't want her looking at me and being worried about me. i think that is just too much of a grown up worry for her. I don't know. I need some input here. Am I being extra about this???