jessie8a

I have wanted a child for so long and thought I knew exactly how I would feel but I never thought I would be scared to die without meeting my baby. I'm so very scared that I will not be able to keep my baby safe. When I allow myself to be normal and not think about my stroke I begin to feel so blessed and in aww. I was not at all trying to get pregnant but I stopped working due to stress and fatigue so I guess that's what happens when you are not stressed lol. I see my neurologist on the 22nd and I hope he can keep a good eye on us and refer me to a good Ob. Btw u are the first to know besides my husband.

My employer couldn't accommodate my request for a shorter work day so they "released me from my position" and didn't give me another one lol what a nice way of saying your fired. I guess I kind if wanted that because they were not supportive to me. I am applying for unemployment and trying not to feel like a bum.

It's ok to be mad. That is a feeing too. I hope that these feelings r not here to stay forever. I know u will feel happy again when it's the right time. Right now I feel fear, and I'm actually happy about that because before that I was in denial. Denial really served me a purpose. The purpose was to get through the pain and sadness. Now I know that the next time I'm happy it will be because its a real moment, and I deserve it. It will happen for u and just be open to recognize it and take the time to enjoy it. Thanks for sharing the truth. Proud is the feeling I had when I read it.

aww thank you so much. i talked with my hubby when i got home and he didnt understand at all. i cant be mad after all i look ok from the outside and it prob just looks like im being lazy to him. I will advocate for myself more. I a so scared to let people down. Today i was just about to give up on fighting for my recovery and keep hurting my body. I really needed someone to say "your not crazy" you three did that for me. thanks a lot for understanding.

I have been working at my job part time since May of this year which was only 5 months after my stroke. I feel like I rushed into working because I need to pay bills and feel useful. i had just graduated from my cane the day before i started. Way to soon for me to go back. i was so scared i was going to die at work when i started. i thought "oh God no, please dont let these people be the last people i see before i die". but i kept going. My employer was great at first, letting me gradually increase my hours a day and maintain a part time schedule, and even keep my work simple and low energy. Now, five months later and I feel like nothing has changed except my workload. I feel like I have a full time workload and I’m exhausted after work. I can’t exercise to get stronger and stay with my physical therapy plan; I can’t even do any of the necessary household chores after work. I’m also noticing an increase in headaches; now that I am working like I worked pre stroke I have a headache every day and I don’t want to take medicine every day. It’s too much and I don’t know what to do. How do I say enough? I cannot go any further. I truly feel like there is no way for me to slow down if I keep this job. It requires so much from me and I am at my breaking point. ugh I feel like I am being a Negative Nancy and i just want to give up!

Guess what! I’m going to have a art exhibit Strokeaversary party. I will try to make at least two more things and invite my friends to see the finished product. I fell like that gives me a good goal and a fun way to let people know that my stroke will always be a part of me. I can also let the paintings be my voice. Thank you all i wish i could invite you to my party and ask for you to shair your art too. i would love for you to post any pictures of things you have worked on.

You all give me so much hope. i am able to read although i am lazy about it. i think i am craving some literature about this subject so it will be very interesting. Thank you Sandy. You know my body probably likes to rest and allow sickness on holidays because this Labor Day weekend I got strep throat haha. i was so thankful and gave my doctor a high five because my head was hurting so bad that I thought it might have been a warning sign of a stroke to come. i smiled through the pain because never once did my pain go up to a 10 like when i stroked and shouted 13 15 to the doctors lol. I was able to walk and take care of myself. This illness was a reminder that I’m even lucky to be able to be alive and sick. Bring on Christmas eve, Christmas, New Year, and life. i am ready

thank you! i really wasnt shure if i could make a party of it. i thought i would be strange. i would like to plan something special and i will keep thinking of what that may be.

Christmas eve I will be celebrating 1yr of surviving my stroke. I don’t know how I am surviving because it is pretty debilitating. For me the most debilitating part is the emotions I face each and every day. Christmas items trigger me into a state of anxiety of depression. I get really sad because my memories of those painful moments are so vivid. The insensitive, idiotic things people said to me when I was under their care are on playback. So what now? Im full of questions and low on answers. I even want to cause events that will force me to think of my accomplishments but it backfires sometimes because I feel sorry for myself. I picked up my cane last week; which I graduated from in May. When I held it next to me I imitated how I walked when I depended on it and collapsed with tears. How could I be “safe” now? My doctor has even called my head a ticking time bomb; in my old life I would have been called a bombshell and not a time bomb lol. So I copied this painting from an artist I really like. It’s my second one and I think she is just the portrait of how I feel. Lost for words; defeated with no advocacy when she is weak. I hope next year brings me a new prod sense of self. so until then i will try to think of ways i can celebrate instead of being sad that day.

last night i had a similar experience with my husband but it was because i was feeling anxious and exhausted. I’m paranoid about my symptoms and needed his support. he was unable to do so because i caused him to have anxiety. ugh its so hard and so we talked for a long time and realized we needed to talk more about how traumatic this experience has been for the both of us.

Hi Pam, sorry for your loss. It’s only natural for us to fear death. Our body and mind constantly reminds us that things are different, and life can be short. i have such a hard time talking to others about death because they get so uncomfortable. Let me just say, i can tell you have very healthy coping skills and not everyone is that lucky. you actually did something healthy for your body, heart, and mind by walking. I have not had a recent loss but i constantly think "at least now i know I’m going to die from a stroke" even though many other things can happen to me. for me these distorted thoughts are about fear of the unknown, shame of being weak, and much more i haven’t realized yet. i think our first step will be recognizing or labeling our emotions and cooping in healthy ways. We will get there one day at a time. keep your head up and thanks for sharing.