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SassyBetsy

Stroke Survivor - female
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About SassyBetsy

  • Rank
    Senior Mentor
  • Birthday 10/10/1963

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  • Stroke Network Email
    Yes

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  • Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
    05-20-2014
  • How did you find us?
    Google Search

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  • First Name
    Pam
  • State
    CA
  • Country
    United States

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  1. SassyBetsy

    Thank you my sisters for your comments and prayers and love. Oh yes we have managed to laugh about this quite a few times with one comment that I was trying to get extra presents LOL but what my son did was he went down and got dinner on Christmas Day at the hospital cafeteria for himself and then he brought it up to the room where I was at eating my special healthy diet and we were able to have our Christmas dinner together and that was making a special moments that we will always remember in a good way. But on the other hand there has been Fallout as well. I asked my son why we when we went out did we just drive around a little bit in the car and then return home I said are you afraid to take me out now but he said no and I just get the sense that maybe he is afraid at least until I get the rest of my heart surgery. That would be this week and on Tuesday I will get the rest of the stents. I I am amazed at the technology that we have today because I know that my parents would not have survived the heart attack that I had because today we have so much knowledge in practice in medicine. Yes AshaI never really thought about the pain of a heart attack I mean you see the person in the movies clutch their chest and then fall to the ground and clutch their chest and say it hurts it's kind of like explaining childbirth to someone. But yes I would say that I was so at peace when I had my stroke and I knew what was happening and I knew what it was going to mean in my family and my life and my career and all of my hopes and dreams I knew what it was going to be while it was happening and I just didn't want to die and I just held on and prayed map to take me from my children yet but this time it was so different the pain was such an intensity and I was truly suffering but now that I know what's going on with all of that I am just so amazed and there is no explanation about why stroke doesn't hurt worse than it does It's okay though I have put it all in God's hands now but I thank you for so many years a friendship. With so many of these stroke survivors I have found true camaraderie and he even felt family members to some that I have been able to confide in I have been truly blessed by your wisdom and comforted by your love. I will be thinking of all of you and channeling all of your Poise and Grace
  2. SassyBetsy

    Heart Attack Christmas Eve

    I was sitting in a movie theater watching a movie enjoying some popcorn with my son and all of a sudden I started feeling like I really needed to get my bra off eyebrow is way too tight then that pain radiates down my left shoulder and arm and even my hand and I thought something's not right here I just couldn't get a full breath even with that darn tight bra off and I did something which I never thought I do in my lifetime I leaned over and I asked my son if he could please unhook my bra because I needed to get it off. Mom is watching the movie I had to keep covering my eyes because it was like being in an IMAX theater those the side effects were just overwhelming and I was wondering am I having a heart attack or is this my vestibular system making it very difficult for me to enjoy watching a movie. So then after a few minutes I decided to got my son again and tell him that I just couldn't do this movie so I got back into the wheelchair and he rolled me to the bathroom because I always have to go to the bathroom. So while I was in the bathroom I made the decision that I better get this checked out. So as my son rolled me to the car I was saying honey I'm just not feeling good so when he got me fast and in the seat belt and he was behind the wheel I put my hand on his and I said I want you to stay very calm and listen to what I'm saying and not panic I need to go to the hospital because I think I'm having a heart attack. So I was okay in the car driving there but as soon as they got me out of the car and we're rolling me into the emergency room I was finding it very hard to catch my breath and it was very uncomfortable feeling and the pain that had just been kind of an a was now an intense pain and pressure and I knew I was having a heart attack and all I kept saying is please let me breathe please let me breathe and it kept asking me questions that I just couldn't answer my son was answering them for me so I was okay in the car driving there but as soon as they got me out of the car and we're rolling me into the emergency room I was finding it very hard to catch my breath and I just kept saying please let me breathe please let me breathe and I need oxygen I told the person over and over but she just kept asking questions and I couldn't answer them my mind was just focused on one thing I need to braid my son was answering the questions and I was so impatient and I think I said something that was kind of rude and my son does not like to see me behave that way why does have no filter and he just intervened and said I really think that she needs to have some oxygen and so then they took me right back to the bed and then the doctor came in and was asking some questions it was all moving so fast and people were coming at me hooking me up to things and that was overwhelming they were moving at lightning speed and I couldn't keep up with what they were saying but I was trying and I was really annoyed at everybody you were trying to save my life. He asked me to come over to the gurney from a wheelchair yeah I was super annoyed cuz they didn't have the little step stool and this is kind of sadly hilarious. So what was kind of weird was that the person kept saying that they were really not allowed to use the stepping stool for people like patience and then she said well really the staff is not even supposed to use those and so I just blurted out then why is it in the building? And of course my son started saying come on come on you can do it up in the bed up in the bed which was code for oh you better stop talking. So then I was able to get up in the bed and then it's all just sort of a whirlwind after that I ended up upstairs and of course and no I'm trying to do what they tell me but also I'm needing to go home so that I can maintain my bed at the nursing home. There's a big long waiting list so I have to go back and claim it as mine and start that clock ticking again. Oh. I was just getting the hang of being a stroke survivor and now I have to be a heart attack Survivor. But I'm so grateful that nothing happened on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day because my son stayed at my side and I didn't want him to be scarred I said never let this ruin your Christmas because just remember that it's a day to celebrate did I survived and if for some reason I had not made it then know that I was free not now I have another dilemma I need to get some stents so after they did the angioplasty they debated over whether or not I needed to have the bypass or the stent they decided that I'm not healthy enough to recover well from the bypass so they want to just do this dance and said that I'm more likely to you don't know. And I'm grateful because I don't know if I could have been okay with more pain on that level and I was so chicken so it's sort of a good-news-bad-news thing because I kind of need a bypass but all they can do is the skin distant is extremely risky as well but it's a lot less risk and the doctor said that the longevity prediction is the same. I have to be brave for my loved ones right I'm so scared right now and yet I'm just still so angry that I Christmas was ruined and it doesn't even seem real that all of my problems overwhelmed my body and I could be dying but again I have borrowed time again and I can still spend some more time with my son. But he said to me that we've been spending a lot of time together since Thanksgiving and even before that so that's all it's ever Borton is spending time with their loved ones. And I think of my daughter and remind myself that that's all settled. All I keep thinking is that I having a stroke I felt such peace I didn't have this thing xiety it's like with the heart attack I told him that I felt grief like I was grieving I was so painfully grieving and having such bad anxiety when I had my stroke I was just so peaceful and then I remembered how peaceful I was in the car telling my son to take me to the hospital and it seems like the real Panic came when I couldn't take my breath so maybe that's why. Time is wish you a very they Happy New Year and may you be blessed to spend time with those you love and thank you for the love and support I know I can always some in here God bless all of you.
  3. SassyBetsy

    Well I've been sitting here enjoying reading your blog. As usual I feel just like I can hear your voice and that you're just sitting across from me holding a teacup. I know what you mean about having interesting friends. Living in the nursing home I have had quite a few. And I still have some. And some I just love dearly and feel like I'm a part of their family. Like my roommate. So God bless you Sue for seeing people as people with significance and that they are still human beings who love who feel who try who enjoy. And I feel like you're my friend too Sue and I'm very grateful that over the years you always read my stupid logs that go on and on or at least you commented before you leave early LOL but I do appreciate that you've always had concern and compassion and I appreciate that very greatly. Sue you hear people and you see people and the world needs so many more like you you are a blessing to us all and I'm so very grateful that your operation was successful and that as you recover things are getting back to normal that's good to hear. You are a super Survivor now XXXXXXOOOOOO
  4. SassyBetsy

    Thank you Kelly mother to mother it meant a lot to me that you could understand I'm sorry too for the pain you go through because of similar but I hope that things go well for you this Christmas and perhaps some video chatting well close the miles. Yes it's been a difficult time physically and maybe it's because of all the medication I'm on that I just not responding like I would normally I would be crying a lot but I'm not now I guess maybe part of me just realizes it's out of my control and I just have to accept what is and again like a stroke survivor Knows Best take what my life is and find goodness and happiness in it. But thank you Kelly.
  5. SassyBetsy

    Thank you sue for sharing it means the world to me you'll never know. Oh well now you do. Yes I'm sure that pain is just pain no matter what causes or what the laws is it just hurts. But you're absolutely right we live without them and their families and the takeaway here is we learn to live without them. It's a gaping hole but sometimes I know that there's a temporary oh so very temporary Band-Aid that is on it and then I get so happy and then Whoop That Band-Aid ripped off and so it's like oh and again. Anyway but what I feel emotionally is nothing compared to what I suffer with physically so I'm just glad that with the emotional stuff I can put it on the back burner and have a happy life but physically that's what I have to work with is that there's no living with that easily as you will know and can join in this unfortunate Club. But thank you sue thank you just for taking a notice of it all and it was just me venting I guess there's really nothing to comment about it's just like you say it is what it is and I really hate that cliche but it just is. And I will say that this time I guess because I have so much happiness going on around me with the Christmas I'm not one of these people that all of those things going wrong around me it it can't take away my Christmas spirit and the joy that comes from all the Christmases friends sharing sayings + and all the joy that we give and have from just everybody around us some more closely tied in bonds than others. So yes you make an important point of letting me know that pain like this is also something to survive and live well anyway thank you for that Merry Christmas
  6. SassyBetsy

    Almost hurts too much to share

    I just feel like I have to get this off my chest or I'm going to burst. Right now I really need to get my spinal RFA and I'm having to ask the doctor to up my medication because it has been 4 months. I needed it scheduled at the 3-month Mark I can't go beyond that I've told them before. But they were trying to get me in again for the surgery which I have not been well I've had multiple sinus issues in fact I'm going to see a specialist for a second time and get a CT scan this week. That's something minor but it's caused me to have to take antibiotic I don't know if there's something that can improve my not getting so many sinus infections because I've certainly tried everything except to having my nasal cavity drilled bigger and I'm not really think I'm ready to even discuss this treatment. You know there's some the treatment she just might not want to do in life. So anyway I just don't know that I'm healthy enough to go through a surgery. I need to recover from all of the different things that have popped up this year such as my shortness of breath my excessive swelling they put me down as having congestive heart failure but no COPD thankfully but I have pulmonary hypertension which they say well they could do something to improve the blood flow to the lung if they decide that it becomes necessary to so I can't even think about all these things all I know is that I need to get in for a mammogram and all of the things that I needed to do or wanted to do in December is being overshadowed once again this is a horrible horrible demon pain. I mean I go from somebody who's smiling and playing bingo on the weekend to somebody that laying in bed or sitting in the chair and suffering trying not to move. It's all kinds of pain. There's the stinging the burning the stabbing and about any kind of medieval torture that's what's going on on my leg. But I did go out on Thanksgiving with my son. I had a wonderful day. We like to play video game. We went to a buffet and we not only had turkey but we enjoyed Lobster as well. My son let me order something and so I was really happy and look forward to getting it for Christmas as he is always very generous and grants my wishes and then some. I only wish that I could do the same for him but I guess I did do a lot of that for a long time. But it was just so good to see him and to experience the love he has for me and to feel the love I have for him and we're not shy about expressing and saying it. But as I write this I'm crying because you see that day that Thanksgiving day that I was so thankful for reconnecting with my daughter something just Dreadful happened. When I call the number I got a recording that said it had been disconnected and was no longer in service. So I called her boyfriend's number and it said that I was blocked. So Panda King I immediately opened up the Google Drive where she had sent me many pictures the saying that it was too many to email that this was a better place to look at the pictures and it was gone it wasn't on Google Drive anymore. I guess I was blocked as a user. I mean she just erased me out of her life again. I've gone over and over and over what I ever said to her and I always said how much I missed and loved how many times I wanted to apologize for anything I did and she kept saying that it wasn't about me I hadn't done anything and she acted like I had nothing to be sorry for and what I asked and why she kept saying that it had to do with her. I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. To tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talk to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about I need one because there wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him off and on I just felt like she didn't give me much attention during our conversation. But anyway it seems like she wanted to make sure that I knew about the other grandmas in the family her boyfriend's mother and the baby father's mother that my grandson has stayed with which made me feel like an utter failure. But it also hurt me because I felt like she had never brought him around to meet me and visit I could have met her out in the community somewhere even at one of my Hospital appointment we could have gone out and I just don't understand why she never brought him around me that I was somehow those terrible mother that didn't deserve to have contact with the child. But we also talked about how she went and thought out her absent father that since he left when she was a baby she never knew. And I said well I hope that you don't allow your child around a man who was not legally allowed to raise his own children. And she says oh no oh no. It kind of felt like a betrayal but yet I told her that I understand that she wanted to see it for herself and see if she did she said. But I don't know what to believe about anything she ever said during any of those conversations because on Thanksgiving morning when I went to call her I couldn't reach her I couldn't reach the boyfriend and I've been blocked from the pictures. So my best friend trying to cheer me and give me hope said maybe it had to do with the phone service maybe she didn't pay the bill maybe this maybe that but it all comes down to know I was certainly intentionally blocked I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. to tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talked to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about any John because they wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him and I didn't feel like I got the attention during the call. And then she told me how she went and looked up her absentee father but since he had left when she was an infant she never knew. I said well I certainly hope that she wasn't having that child around him because he was not legally allowed to raise his own children. She assured me she wasn't but it did feel like a betrayal but I tried to understand her need to see it for herself. All of that was so unimportant I just was so happy hearing her voice. I always hoped I would hear it again but I didn't know what to hope for. But then I found out she had been close to me a few times when she came to visit friends and I just ask her why didn't she come see me the baby to see me and she just cut me off and said well the priority was for the baby. As if a nursing home or something that was going to be a bad thing on a baby. But I did find out that and it appears to be at a boyfriends house and she met the boyfriend because the mother was there at the hospital when the young man had a lung transplant and so she was offered a place to come live out of the Ronald McDonald House and that was a few years ago and she's been there and then the man tells the part of his family she's not married but I want to she says. But when I was talking to her I caught her in quite a few lies about things she kept saying how she loved the baby's father so much and had to work it out that taking a nice parenting plan Etc. But as I recall she said she did not love the baby's father and that the baby was an accident but she was going to have the baby and she couldn't decide whether she was going to give him up for adoption or not but then of course when he had congenital problems that needed surgeries that was off the table and it was too late for an abortion so there she was with a sick baby and nobody to help her so the baby's father has done a good job of taking care of the baby in fact I think that he has custody of the baby because most of the pictures were taken it seems not by her and she was in hardly any of them anyway the parenting plan of the future will be that he gets the boy when it comes time for school and I said well where is he now and she said with his dad though she hadn't had him at all this year because she's been sick she said and she kept telling me what the doctor was looking for apparently she was having a hard time getting the doctor to do an MRI because of symptoms she was giving him and she just kept saying different things about how she was sick and I said well what you're talkin about is usually fatal it has to be treated is this what you're talking about and it's like she just kept wanting to make me afraid that she was dying and I kept saying well go to the doctor find out exactly what it is because a lot of things mimic things so you've got to go to a specialist and get diagnosed don't just look on the computer and think your doctor has to go looking for this it was the strangest thing. I mean I've never talked to her about my breast cancer scare but believe me I wanted people telling me so it's going to be fine it's nothing I mean I wanted them to flat out lie to my face I wanted that hope. so it was very strange that my daughter kept talking about how she had this life-threatening illness probably and that she would most likely have to get on disability and I said you're only 27 get to a good specialist and I'm sure that you're not going to have to be on disability. well she told me how awful working was on her body and I just got this feeling. She wanted to get disability like her boyfriend who was indeed quite ill but doing okay at this time. well I asked if they were going to get married because I worried that would the mother still allow her to live there if the worst happens and he passed away I mean the mother may be happy that her son is happy but maybe the mother didn't expect him to survive or something. but I didn't say any of that I held my tongue of course those are the ranting fears of a mother at midnight. anyway I just praised her and encouraged her to have hope go check out the doctors and please keep me up to date and she asked me about my health but she didn't really want to listen to me go on about it. she never tried to talk about anything except a few things on her agenda tell me that she's probably dying the way that she looked up the deadbeat share pictures that the boys being taken care of the father because she's too sick to take care of him and all I did was support her and she led me to believe that she was happy talking to me and that she wanted to be informed about things. I guess I didn't talk about the things she wanted to talk about she asked me if my son is still around me and I said well yes and she answered well of course. so they had a falling out which she holds me responsible for but I just waited for her to say something else I didn't want to get into an argument. so she told me that she was going to be cooking on Thanksgiving and then going to her boyfriend's family later in the evening to eat and I said well sounds like you're going to be busy if I don't get a chance to talk to you before tomorrow then I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving she sounded very happy. and then I go to call the number like she knew I would of course I would of course I would contact my family member on Thanksgiving who's my daughter who whom I've been very close to during her teenage years and only after the stroke things were so horrible. But that's probably wishful thinking and if my son's any indication the problems go way back. In fact my adult son as always use the phrase doesn't she remind you of someone. Yes I put up with that peekaboo Behavior from the deadbeat finally figured out that the only reason he returned was that he delighted in looking at the Fallout. he like to be told how much he was missed and how important he was and how much everybody cried and how we felt because he wasn't there at some important holiday. but he was not remorseful for choosing not to be there he would blame it of course on me with some ridiculous story that my adult son has thoroughly quizzed him about all these things and my son has decided that the man is nuts and I'm remorseful. He's very anti-social believe me it's hard to lose take legal custody away unless they must so I had physical and legal and so he looks at it now that the children were taken away from him like he had no hand in it. but the courts had said he could go to supervised division again hoping to somehow reunite the children with their father. But he never did it he uses the excuse that he was out of state and that he just wanted to take his kids out of state. I think the court had a pretty good idea that if those kids left the state I would never see them again. I saved those children I raised those children I love those children nearby children and yet they are still his in a way he does not deserve my son says he likes the way things turned out they turned out the way they were supposed to and he's talked to his father over 10 years he listens but he tells me Mom he's never been interested in getting to know me he just talks about you and I said yes I am going to be the only senior citizen in the nursing home that probably still needs a restraining order. I never was in a support group for single mothers I was a good role model and I was proud of who I was and I worked like crazy and I put them around other family members that loved us and friends that cluded Us and Them. they never wanted for anything well I mean they wanted thing what kid doesn't drive their mother and saying about wanting thin.gs.. it's good that my son he worked for his first car but not my daughter I helped her out.. and yet she's jealous of him. my friend says don't feel insecure as a mother and I said no what's done is done dealing with stroke problems not parenting problems but I sure didn't need a broken heart right now. first time is always protected me and never passed on anything that we're in his communication with it father. only the beginning I asked and then I said no don't tell me. he said no he would not do that to me and he said don't worry about all his word vomit. well my daughter was not as kind. and so I was dealing with all of those emotions so old and dead and unnecessary. I had a professional career and it was cut down because of a stroke he was old news. Anyway it looks like my daughter enjoys his tricks. so my very best friend says to me will don't judge her you don't know what's going on. And I said look I am judging her but I didn't say anything that was judging her but I'm trying to find out who she is now because I don't recognize her and I came to the conclusion that I was proud of her and the conversations were nice I tried to be supportive when she said that she thought that she had something that might be terminal you know I just I acknowledge that could be real symptoms but maybe not something so Dreadful I was not judging her until I got that phone message and then I was like I've been played for a fool she does not love me she is not miss me and I'm kidding myself and my friend couldn't see that that was killing me. always wanted to be accepted by her mother and all she heard and me was that I was being judgmental I don't know perhaps we all hear what we want to hear and so that's why I'll never understand what went on all I know is that daughter disappeared again cast of focus on but I have one good child who cares about me and that's okay maybe after all this time my daughter will find what sea name I hope so but I can't be worried about it anymore and I guess it's obvious she can manipulate things and people and she's going to land on their feet and of course iiove her I want her to call me now. She punishes me for having a stroke, leaving her to fend for herself alone. She blames her brother for not helping her more. But he did. She quit her job. Anyway my happiness never lasts long.
  7. SassyBetsy

    So cool, I bet Christmas carol time is fun and family singalongs. Great accomplishments and no reading sheet music required. Wow! Never knew! Enjoy!! Great mind work.
  8. SassyBetsy

    Yes you will be ready again someday for another one. Yes we value our time spent with our elders.
  9. SassyBetsy

    Heart Felt Thanks, I am lucky

    How can a month be full of some of the saddest moment and the highest highs and show me where the gratefulness grows. Today I'm morning a very good friend of mine here in the nursing home that I met shortly after I arrived years ago. There were times when I thought that she was going to outlive me even though she was in her late 90s. It's a mystery that she did not reach a hundred I'm told but I'm not sure which number after 5 she reached but anyway there she was sitting at the table with the deck of cards I know I seen her before and she always was playing solitaire. Even in the dining room I would see you're playing solitaire waiting for her food or waiting to be taken somewhere. She never went anywhere without her cards. No I was too caught up in my problems with my leg but when they did get me on a good management plan I would go into the common room pretty often and see her there. One day she just called me over and safety want to play cards he talked clear and she seemed to have good vision and hearing and so when I found out how old she was later on I was surprised. But on that first day she taught me how to play double solitaire. I never heard of The Thing but not being a solitaire player I wasn't sure about any of it. But then other people were telling me that she taught her own way but that really wasn't how to play solitaire and of course I had a good laugh over that and that was just fine with me if I was playing my own way. So then as we got to know each other she sometimes didn't see so well but she was very hard of hearing in fact she needed to wear hearing aids to even hear it all and when they weren't in well we just played cards. Sometimes I'd order food and share it with her in the dining room and we were friends and played cards pretty often. But then as my leg pain would come back I would be in my room more and I wouldn't see her. And she'd come and see what the world was I doing in my room. And sometimes she would come to find out how she could get some more cards. When I first met her her cards were disappearing like crazy. And of course we would get them from the activities director here and pretty soon they said they couldn't give her any more cards. Well then I stopped at the store and I asked my friends and family to send cards and they did sometimes they were kind of cool cards to and then last Christmas my son went to Costco and bought a huge package of playing cards. He said don't give them to her all at once. And I gave her probably a pack of month they weren't disappearing so often and at least she knew that she could come down and asked me how to find some cards and I always had some. And if you could see the look on her face of relief Shear relief as if her very existence relied upon being able to play cards and I think it did. Well this past year I had to spend quite a bit of time in my room and they said well why didn't you just go out in a wheelchair not understanding that vestibular problems that come about as a result of an infection are related to stroke. Let me explain that a little bit more clear every time I had an infection in my body and at this time it was my leg from a lymphedema problem I would have all of my stroke deficits bombard me. Sometimes I would have such shaky hands and no coordination and other times I could barely be able to sit up straight I would just always keep going over to the side it seems like whatever my stroke deficit problems were or enhanced greatly. And nobody wants to leave the room like that. And I had a lot of pain. A leg infection in a leg that already has CPS is not anything anyone should have to live through. But I made it through and I think that I've grown accustomed now to have my legs wrapped but I didn't see your 4 month really it seem like when I was out there she wasn't it just worked out that way. And then when I did see her she says to me you've been away a long time where did you go. And when I explained to her where I was she nodded we exchange the I miss yous. I often wondered why she had never come down to my room but maybe it was harder for her to get around now to. But anyway we were back playing Solitaire again. But this time we were able to go outside and play by the fountain like we did before because she had had a number of fall because she would lean over to reach a card and so they didn't really want her out of their sight. She was also having to use oxygen and there wasn't an oxygen thing on her wheelchair so they would just set it next to her. She wasn't eating in the dining room anymore she was eating in the main common room by the nurse's station. Sometimes I stayed down there with her but when I discovered that they had put her on a pureed diet I couldn't in good conscience eat in front of her. I saw her face that she tasted the food and she just looked disgusted and said Bland. She only ate about 50% before and now she ate even less than that. She was somebody that had watched her weight closely because after all she was an Olympic silver medalist in Diving. She was also in the Canadian Air Force during World War II and taught women exercises during that time. She also spent a lifetime teaching exercises two women everywhere. She was truly inspirational. And here she was always in all the activities and you would just see her playing cards she loved to play cards. I was very lucky and I'm thankful that I met her and got to spend time with her. The other thing I'm very grateful for is that my daughter and I have reconnected and I've enjoyed seeing pictures of my grandson who has undergone surgeries to repair congenital problems and he's healthy and thriving. My daughter and I seriously can't remember why did we have problems that's what we said to each other and we laughed. In the long run all those things are so meaningless. The bigger loss outweighs those Petty things. I know she miss me and I know if I had never stopped reaching out she would have thought that I didn't love her anymore so I never did stop and one day she just saw it me on social media looking for her and she decided to contact me again. When you're a mother you forgive everything. You just love. But unconditional means. So I'm so lucky I'm so very very lucky they have both of my children now. Now I just pray that they would be able to work out their differences and heal . It all goes back and was about stroke stuff. It really threw everything off in our lives. But enough is enough and they just want to heal and be content. We're not guaranteed forever and we don't have time to lose. So I'm just very grateful for all of these things. I'm grateful that my lymphedema is controlled now and I'm actually wearing a pair of shoes again today Hallelujah! Anyway when I really think about it I could go on listing things to be grateful for that's not the problem the problem is truly remembering those things when I feel down or aggravated. So I'm glad that at least one month out of the year we take time to be thankful and from the thankfulness to be joyful. And this is a fun time of year to eat LOL I hope everybody here has a very wonderful Thanksgiving I know I'm grateful for this site and for all of you have been so supportive all these years and also forgiving that I am not always the listener that you are to me. Happy Thanksgiving!
  10. SassyBetsy

    Thanks
  11. SassyBetsy

    Oh I'm so sorry to hear that the side effects have ruined a good thing. But what you described as a side effect of some neural meds I actually do have my eyes fixed in two different places as my eyes do not work together but it's not enough to do a surgery so basically it means they won't fix it and what happens is I have a hard time seeing which means I have a difficult time walking and just being in the world. But anyway anywho you just keep trying just keep getting up and one of these days you're going to find something that works. In the meantime we just keep enjoying life so much that we turn down the pain. Just keep enjoying the blessings you have in life. I hear you about the clothes I buy the softest cotton zykan and try to go as nude as often as possible. Take care Scott best wishes to you.
  12. I have had spinal RFA and electrode trial. Both help me
  13. Be gentle with yourself my dear Asha because you are the most insightful and kind person I have ever met. All of our emotions are there for a reason to teach us to show us and to share our Humanity in our vulnerability. If we are always going to Aspire for perfection we will have to have many many examples so it's very wonderful that other people write books and share their
  14. SassyBetsy

    Hello Sue it sounds like you're being a trooper as usual. I know that you our great friend and companion and I'm sure a great comfort to your friend. I'm glad that you're feeling like life is getting a little bit more routine and I'm glad that little by little you're planning for some fun we must have something to look forward to. No I'm using some pumps and I'm wondering if that's something that you might be interested in using the them at home. They've made quite a difference and keeping the swelling down for me. I'm just glad to hear that all things have been going to successfully for you. And thank you so much for keeping in touch with me I needed to hear those little voices from home thank you.
  15. SassyBetsy

    A few bullets will tell it

    And I mean the kind of things that are on PowerPoints or you know list those kind of things oh the word finding problems I have! Anyway I've missed everybody and mostly missed the days when this group was my daily meal. But maybe I can try to explain my last year. * NOV I did the spinal trial and surgery was planned for April for perm electrode *Then after Christmas I had Cellulitis over amd over for months *They said I have kidney disease amd heart failure disease due to having high blood pressure and diabetes formally diagnosed at 20 so now I'm 55 so after 35 years most of my organs and stuff have been worn down and or not exactly anything to hand down which is why I decided to donate my body to science rather than to be a formal donor. I figured that science could use a whole body every now and then. So I did the paperwork for that and got that all situated. And then got down to the mean business of surviving because I wasn't ready to donate anything yet. * so then in the summer the cellulitis stuff finally stopped because I met this wonderful wound care doctor in a bariatric wound care center at a large teaching Medical Hospital and he put me on a compression therapy. I wear something called a circaid juxta lite compression garment. It's just a rap with velcro to keep my legs compressed all day. I wear it under my clothes I'm used to it and it keeps my leg swelling down. I couldn't wear the stockings they would hurt and I would take them off scream bloody murder about it so this works nice I can make an adjustment here and there on it. But then the next thing he did was get me hooked up to a pump which makes my lymphedema system back up into the circulatory system like it's supposed to and all I have to do is zip on these blue boots that look something like an astronaut suit and air is in there and it massages the leg there's nothing more wonderful than my time spent in these. I try to use them as much as I can. All of that has been working very well for me and I have not had a cellulitis since I've been doing this. I also volunteered for a study with the Dermatology Department so they can watch what happens with me. * I know all of that sitting around just made it awful for my vestibular system that needs me standing up in exercising. So I went back to physical therapy. But you know how that is they only authorized six meetings and then it takes 12 more weeks to get six more meetings. But I plan to stay and physical therapy until I feel that I gained my ground again. That means doing my homework which is some of my exercises and strengthening my legs however every time I get a sinus infection and even though I've had my flu shot pneumonia shot will I still get these awful sinus problems and I'm on a number of allergy treatments. **I went in and found out that I do not have asthma and I do not have COPD! hooray hooray hooray! But sometimes I get short of breath. They tell me that I have pulmonary hypertension. Like I needed another formal diagnosis after my name. Does the person with the most win? Well I seem to be working towards it! But now I can honestly say that I don't have to be long to that study group which I had volunteered to be in and it turns out I don't have it after all so I still have my Amazon purchases going to that worthy support group to study because my friend has it. She has had asthma all her life and now she has COPD yet she has never smoked. So anyway they just said that I had it just as a way to waive their hand at me to go away and just listed as that but when I went and was tested formally in the booth they found that my lungs just don't breathe in at capacity. No other explanation. And so far no other explanation is coming. So I'm hoping that by exercising a little more that it will help me. I'm now going around in a wheelchair because they told me to be careful not to get another blister so I've been really careful because the last two pair of shoes have giving me blisters. I will be getting a brand new Walker because the one I have the brakes are not working good and the pouch is ripped I really put it through the ringer but I am really careful now about my feet. When I had to have an MRI 2 find out if the infection in my heel went to the Bone well that was a wake-up call but all was well! Again I escaped the bullet! So this week I'm going to pick up a new pair of shoes they're double depth. Fingers crossed! ** this month I'm going to order new glasses frames for my new prescription. My vision has been affected by the stroke. I have strabismus and nystagmus but it's mild and it's stable. But on any given day it acts up and I would say that it's moderate not severe but certainly not mild. The double vision comes and goes depending on where I'm at and who I am at the time I guess. So so I can color because I use one eye and I get very close to the paper and I can read my phone and I think now I can even use both my eyes together but not very often but over the past five years it's gotten a bit better the colors are better now at first they were all wrong try explaining that one. * last year my mammogram had two spots on it that were suspicious and they told me this and I burst into tears. I apologized and blamed it on the stroke saying that the slightest thing can just make me lose my dignity please forgive me. The women came around me almost in a huddle almost shielding me and I said oh no this is big news that often is responded to with an emotional outburst and do not feel ashamed. But they told me I needed to come in in a few days so that I could get this looked into as quickly as possible. I was at a Cancer Center that is world renowned and so I knew I was in good hands. And my news at Christmas time was that the one spot had been some sort of shadowy thing nothing to even test and the other spot was tagged and biopsied and was a harmless thing that is Tagged so that it won't be bothered next time. So now it's next time and I think I may be braver I know that when I get the news that something's wrong it will always be a sting because of course why would it not. But I will always have the courage to go in annually. ** so this year I did some things for myself color coloring is my hobby. I just got into it and I just never stopped. Now I have people asking me two color things out of the many books I have with perforated pages. Surprisingly and humbly I tell you that they have been framed pictures we're giving to me saying here's a photo of your picture. It brings tears to my eyes. One lady put a couple of my pictures in a collage with the Beautiful calligraphy Bible verse. Anyway it makes me happy and hopefully it makes them feel loved. What do people like they like my peacocks. And they like my fairies. Now I have a couple of books that I color just for me and those are like in my collection. I was a peacock for Halloween ! And if I do say so myself I took third place ! Not bad for just a feather in my hair and a scarf and a fabulous fan !! But now I've told you my secret ! But I don't have too much time to do this because my real hobby is POKEMON!!! Oh you just can't believe that yes my son and I play this game he even bought me a new game system for my birthday this year along with the cutest little plush. I find that distractions is the key to my pain management and for my mental health finding just plain old-fashioned silliness fun is the best medicine for me! ** I do have been trying to get some kind of reclining chair to elevate my feet but so far it's an insurance thing! They still look at me like I am the person that should be opening the door and just pop and down the stairs and jumping into a cab and going off to meet a friend for dinner. But I still have the same old stroke deficits that pop up every time I have an infection. I feel this week because I had been ill I had been complaining but no one was listening because my temperature was normal. But then my temperature was not normal and as I walk to the bathroom with someone beside me all of a sudden my leg gave out and I went down on my knees. She was holding the gate belt otherwise I know that I would have smacked my head. I am extremely careful when I don't feel well and I insist on precautions. Maybe that makes me a squeaky wheel but when I don't that's when stuff happens. Anyway they were able to call in antibiotics immediately with no other problems and I am very grateful for that so now today I was able to polish my own Nails my shakiness is down and I think that I'll be able to walk on my own without having to use my wheelchair. The good eggs in with the bad. I have had many blessings this year and many frustrations. Thankfully frustrations have a short fuse and I don't remember them for long. One thing that happened this year is that my daughter called me. Finally. As many of you had read my daughter had disappeared and I was never quite sure why yet I understand completely. good eggs in with the bad. I have had many blessings this year and many frustrations. thankfully frustrations have a short fuse and I don't remember them for long. one thing that happened this year is that my daughter called me. Finally. As many of you had red my daughter had disappeared and I was never quite sure why yet I understand completely. there's a lot of pressure for a daughter to be a mother's caretaker. I'm glad that my daughter went out into the world and made a life for herself. I would not have wanted it any other way. I am grateful for the time that she spent assisting me in the beginning and that great transition. And I think that she has grown up a little bit more now and hopefully understands a little bit more now that she herself is a mother. And yet there is still a distance now. It's like you can never really gain back lost time and things with people seem to just change or is it just me? My son and I are at constant. So it's not always 100% good and Lord knows we've had our problems but he's always there for me and I appreciate it. And I have appreciated it when he's honestly told me that he can't be there for me. And I want him do you know how proud I am of him 2 I'm glad he has an outside life of course. In fact I am so proud that he has traveled around the world in his work and his his research with cancer. But honestly what I wouldn't give to turn back the clock I could just make a laundry list of things I miss because my kids grew up. McDonald's at any age I miss so very much. So it's so funny because when my son and I get together the first thing we do is go get a McDonald's! It's like a tradition! We always travel with a large soda tucked away in the dashboard. And we are now playing this video game stuff together and I must say that that has drawn us closer. I wish that I had spent more time when he was younger but it seem like I took him to stuff but I didn't participate oh I was working and I was doing this and that and the other. Can't do everything but anyway it's still fun to get out and do what I can and be who I am today. I still try to do what I can like put on some makeup and some nail polish. It's so funny how some people will say oh I've never seen you with makeup on and I'm thinking wow has it been that long that I could possibly meet somebody and know them for. Of time and they not know that I love to wear makeup. And then other people will say oh I've never seen you wear nail polish and then I'm thinking wow now that's just plain crazy because I wear nail polish all the time but again they don't see me off and maybe. So the one funny thing is that honest here I have not had a haircut in one year let me figure this out 1 year and 6 months. Now I've put all kinds of conditioning stuff and all kinds of grow your hair back stuff trying to get some hair and I just decided that cutting it was just getting it shorter and shorter it was okay but I miss my really long hair so now my hair is back but it falls out like crazy and it's okay I don't know it's just long and it got long it seems like where did the time go and then I see how long my hair is and I'm like oh yeah it has been another Longyear so I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. I think I just I want to grow it longer and longer and see what happens. I think it's kind of neat to have long hair so I also know of a place that will not charge me too much more to color it so maybe I'll even color it. So far I've just let the gray come in I just stopped worrying about it because I had other stuff to worry about and the gray came in and I thought I can't keep up with it I can't keep chasing it. Besides I'm not really interested in looking younger or younger sake I was before I think I just didn't want that gray hair to show just wanted to do something different I always had it short. Go back to my early 20 days when I had hair to my waist. One of the things that I couldn't do was get the spinals for my pain relief and I was taking pain medicine every 4 hours which is making me fall asleep and so now I'm taking it every 6 hours I still fall asleep a lot but it's not so bad but I'm just wondering what's going to happen because I'm not going to be able to do the surgery until I get really over all of these infections and to tell you the truth I do remember how much it helped but I always get cold feet again over and over. Saying surgery makes me feel sick to my stomach. I would say that I'm afraid of the pain of surgery! But of course that's ludicrous when you have this pain syndrome it's already ruining every conscious moment and taking away so much of a life that could be lived. So I think I'm going to have to be brave braver than I usually am no braver than I always am. I'm just learn how to do this. But today I'm just remembering about stroke stuff and there's a reason for that. Somebody today told me and I've known her for quite a while and she told me that she had 2 t i a s and I listen to her story and I asked her what was she doing today did she have a neurologist and did she keep a regular doctors appointments and I wanted to tell her that there's no such thing as a mini stroke and there's no such thing as just a circulation problem. I wanted her to realize that maybe something needs to be looked at and maybe she should go but I didn't want her to be alarmed I just wanted to go see a doctor. And I said because things happen. And I know that people don't take it seriously unless there's paralysis. Anyway I see told me what some of her problems are there similar to mine and I told her about support group and how valuable it's been and I asked her about had you been online looking for info blah blah blah. All I wanted her to hear was go to your doctor. And thank you sue for always sending me a little note sending me a little hope in a little love. And now I'm going to sit back and read some of your blogs and have a visit with you all because I've missed you and I've wondered about you and I've needed you and yet you know how it is but it is so nice to feel like I can come back and sit around the Round Table and have a chat again
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