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SassyBetsy

Stroke Survivor - female
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About SassyBetsy

  • Rank
    Senior Mentor
  • Birthday 10/10/1963

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  • Stroke Network Email
    Yes

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  • Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
    05-20-2014
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    Pam
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    CA
  • Country
    United States

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  1. SassyBetsy

    Time has stopped

    We're all sort of leaving a type of Groundhog Day it seems to start with the news in the morning finding out how many more people we lost overnight all over the world even I've become much more aware that would happens on one side is going to happen on the other and that each of us is going to be affected. And each of us is getting our morning coffee at some time during the day but we are in different places. Frankly I'm sick to my stomach when I hear people whining in their mansions playing their musical instruments 2 Comfort themselves out of boredom from wandering around 10 bedrooms a pool and jacuzzi LOL and I think of the families crowded into a two-bedroom apartment with children longing to play outside. That is the real picture and that is why we need to get life back to normal so those families who could really lose it all can and avoid being homeless. And then I read about the stroke things and I remember how in just a blink of an eye I lost it all. But I didn't know it then because I fought to hang on do as long as I could but it was such a losing battle from the start if I had known it was going to end like it did what I have put all that effort in or what I have just accepted my fate sooner I can't really say but I had a good time trying to hang on and I accomplish things that I wanted to namely I finished the course and school that I wanted to that I didn't think I could do in the first place but look I ended up doing it after a stroke take that you young whippersnappers sitting next to me and all I have to say to the stupid instructor who critiqued my presentation by saying that I put my face in the tablet and I should have looked up at the audience I have dizziness and other vestibular problems and I had to put my face in the tablet because I was closing one eye to read it in the first place and maybe you should have listened and taken it seriously when somebody says I have this or that disability and help them through it. I think that's a lesson for the nation. People need to listen and not just look at people and make good judgement and say oh you look fine. Anyway all I have to say is that I'm on a different type of Journey right now that I'm just trying to keep up with the type of things that my doctor wants me to do such as we're lymphedema pumps during the day and also keep my legs wrapped up in circaid juxta lights even when I go out walking around but you're not really doing anymore because I'm on lockdown and that means that I can't really leave my room. But whatever my good friends happens to be a male they moved him across the whole for some reason it has nothing to do with me and everybody is saying oh they moved him across the hall and I said oh that's wonderful so now at some point during the day I can make sure that I can go stand in my doorway and he sits in his and we can chit chat for a minute and that is glorious because he's blind and I have always helped him go to different little parties that they hold here at the home including playing bingo. And I think that our friendship is just grown over the years and we just enjoy each other's company and that's all it is but then there's other people that want to say stupid things and I just ignore it. Anyway today I got some candy from my son and I made sure that I shared it with him LOL. My son gave me a care box today and he said that he wiped down each item with alcohol and put it in there and then he closed up the box it was a plastic box and he swab that down good and do you let it sit for about a week so he's quite confident that any germs that are on it have been eliminated and so he gave it to me today and I was very happy because I have not been able to get out to the store so there are things that I need they'd have had to wait but he wasn't able to get out and get me anything because the stores are quite empty anyway so I said that's okay he gave me what he had to share and I said pretty soon I think things'll getting put back up on store shelves and then we'll be able to do some shopping hopefully. Well he'll be able to go out. It's very strange being told that I can't go out in the world because I might not survive it and so I appreciate being protected but on the other hand I don't think that I'd be going out very much anyway right now. And I understand that it's so hard on those much younger who are in the middle of living and then there's those with children and they're so worried or just the worries that they have over horrendous. So it's time to be a prayer Warrior. Was so appreciative of my son just bring it over a sandwich for lunch and then how surreal it was that he was washing it up and putting it in a box that was disinfected. And I couldn't see him because no one's allowed in so I was just able to chat with him on the phone and that was enough to hear his voice. We haven't done any video chat we haven't quite figured out how those work on our phones. So but he did send me a YouTube he got online playing his musical instrument and very good I was so proud of him! and I have been listening to it and watching it all the time it warms my heart. Just wish they would have said something but he's super shy I guess I don't know when that came about LOL saved mask that I got when I went to the Urgent Care and they had me wear it they didn't want me to catch anything and so I still have it and I'm wearing it as much as I think I need to being around other people but everybody here was given a cloth mask to wear that was on the staff and I wish that I was given something but it's controversial about whether or not we need it because if we're not sick then, anyway I just realized that the rest of the world is now experiencing what I have been experiencing four years living in a nursing home now other people I've lost the ability to see their friends and family and other people are confined and isolated and they can go out to restaurants when they want to or to go shopping when they want to and I'm thinking my life hasn't changed a bit and it's interesting to see how other people are coping with this change. And all of a sudden I'm appreciating the resiliency in my own heart because I hear how other people are having such a hard time doing the very thing that I've been doing for years. Anyway it can be done and I hope that everybody helps each other and that now is the time to reach out and help other people that are feeling that they can't cope. I just want to say that my daily pain has prevented me from being a part of the real world for such a long time that I can pretty much feel for the rest of people that are saying that they're having a hard time and I say well try to stay connected is some support system and I know that there's other people that are feeling the same way and they can help. thank you to everybody who is always hope and been there for me. I put up a new picture I hope it speaks to you the way it speaks to me take care of everyone God bless you all
  2. SassyBetsy

    Zoo I took the time to read this again today I don't know why but this always seems to comfort me because you're optimistic spirit and determination to live life to the fullest and to not go quietly into that well you know anyway this piece of writing is a masterpiece and I hold it dear to my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your journey every step I feel I have raised a teacup towards your full recovery and I'm very grateful to hear that the little angel has her thumb form Liam place. And I love that you call it living on Angel time so true so true God has a plan because he's known us before we even existed which I have a hard time getting my mind around but I firmly believe. So maybe it takes knowing that it could all burst one day to fully appreciate. I guess I go back and read this because the quality of life and the quantity of life don't always go hand-in-hand and I know that you go and visit people in hospital and you can see that still hold on to life no matter where they're living it. My life has value we have value is people. And I know some people don't appreciate that. I was particularly shocked to hear on the news if someone said that some people should be sacrificed to this virus. Well I'm not sure how he's going to go about choosing but I'm not sure he's going to get very many volunteers unless they're giving themselves 4 a good cause such as caring for others in the face of being exposed themselves. We are the people will always come to the aid of others I believe that to be true. I'm not sure that we will sit down quietly to be sacrificed. There's a difference oh I'm going off on a tangent because I live in a nursing home now and I feel very imprisoned as we've been locked down and it doesn't sound nice to be told that my value my life doesn't mean as much as another person's. But recently I was complaining that I had a lot of fatigue as I am having some difficulty breathing these days. And one of the nurses commented that I that's all I did was sleep all day anyway everyday. I know I said no no I don't little projects to keep me busy I visit with people I go around and I talked with people I have friendships I have a life and when I find myself sleeping more than usual that is unusual. And I realized that she didn't think that I was worth a crap and I guess maybe that's how other people see it but I have a life worth living whatever small little backyard plot did I get to plow that's me that's mine. Recently I gave a friend a pair of shoes that I got free and she really liked them and I'm finding that I'm not able to wear shoes these days because of the swelling in my feet so I gave them to her and she kept saying how happy she was to have them and then she look at me and say are you sure you don't want them back and I said No No I gave them to you because I know that I'm not going to use them but now seeing how happy you are with them on your feet I wouldn't dream of wanting them back and seeing her so happy made me happy. Then I briefly had this glimpse of me scooping up the rest of my shoes and giving them to her because I really don't know when I'm going to get my feet back in them with all this stupid swelling but then I figured nah most of them have been kind of Warren These are nice and brand new not broken in and literally worn once and they're actually a double-dip which she's really happy to have. She said that there I said be careful they gave me a blister I don't want the same to happen to you so make sure somebody took some out for you and gives you the right kind of inserts. But I think that we should all look for that moment where life becomes a little more fun. I'm in the middle of all of this trauma of Health changing we know that we're never guaranteed the next moment of life it's all a gift and we say it but we don't believe it but it's very true there is a little angel there with her finger on the red button and at any moment when God nods his head then she is going to gracefully raise her hand and Usher us into the next phase of our spiritual existed out of our Earth body I believe that will be entered into his kingdom but whatever Kingdom you think you are going to be ushered into one thing is for sure IR residency here will end. Well as attached as I am to this body there's been many things I wish could have been changed LOL there are others however who have had a more pleasant existence in this lifetime and they may have more resistance. It reminds me of the reading and scripture that says it is very difficult for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God and I guess that's why cuz we become very attached to our things to our bodies and these are all temporary. Don't get me wrong when I had to give away all my belongings I wasn't happy about some things some things I've been very attached to. Recently I had to block about it. Anyway thanks again Sue for reminding me that we are just here for as long as God allows. You have done so many wonderful things for all of us that I've treasured your time here and I hope you'll be here a lot longer because I love you too Sue you're my dearest friends thank you periods
  3. Osher my happy stroke day anniversary day was the day that I could have ceased to exist but I survived it and I survive everyday and one of the things I'm most proud of is that I am able to bulldoze through on days that I'm overcome with the deficits that become enhanced always when I suffer through sinusitis and bronchitis like I just have been going through and then if I find out that we're having a pandemic sure there's extra stress sure there's extra fear but I also just survived a heart attack and I had stents put in but because of this virus they have cancelled the procedure that I was going to have to remove a blood clot in my leg and I'm thinking well I wouldn't want to be exposed to the deadly virus going around or spread anything to the doctors that are so badly needed now because how do I know I'm not a carrier. Yes I didn't think I could bear anything more than the stroke but now I'm a heart attack Survivor. I feel I live on borrowed time and I have days where I'm one big cognitive glitch. But I also know that everyday is a gift and I just am quiet inside now. Now things upset me in a way that never used to and I can just feel like I can't breathe even over just the smallest thing. But these are triggers some things and but I know I'm tougher than I've ever been and yet I can look like I am falling apart in the next breath and so I feel like I can't really trust what's real inside me but I think that over the years I just handle putting out fires and what I've learned is I am stronger then I think I am and I know I'm definitely braver than I appear to be and I know is when I came on this sight and I was given so much comfort good advice and encouragement education and I've tried to get back but sometimes I just need to have my own space and I just sort of disappear within my world but after I time out I know I need to be connected to survivors because we are a unique group that has learned so many lessons and we have so much to offer the world I think if someone was to compile all of our stories into a book and people who didn't have a stroke could read this book maybe the world would stay as it has become recently more connected friendlier more caring. I think we know how to quiet the panic now because are anxiety comes from a source the world can't know it's not just fear of dying dying would be easy it's the fear of living with all of the things stroke gave us we can applaud ourselves for how resilient we have True Grit. I think you for sharing your story because honestly I think that you are very strong.
  4. SassyBetsy

    So what is everybody else doing? In my household because my kids did musical theater and dance from young age and I grew up as a child of a professional musician and was exposed to a lot of music, we knew that there was a song for every situation and it helps it really does help the belt out a song when you feel frustrated or happy just music is so much a part of our life and hopefully now that we have some extra time on our hands and we have survived so much hopefully we can find Our Song
  5. SassyBetsy

    So what is everybody else doing?
  6. SassyBetsy

    California is on lockdown

    My daily AND Quarantine Routine... 7AM (Oh What a Beautiful Morning) toast and peanut butteragain 9AM (Acuna Mattatta..).watch lion king and nap 10AM...order Amazon goodies because as Jerry Herman advises ("We Neeeeeed a Little Christmasmmright now") Noon ......Call friend (Hello Dolly) 1PM cancel appointment(And I am Telling You I am Not Going) and engage in some therapeutic coloring 2PM...Little Anthony calls then..(And I think I,m Going Out Of My Head..)... then I pray( God Bless America) 5PM I watch the news and realize that Disney was right( It's a Small World After All) 6pm... while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... I watch TV and think that Korn had it right( It's So Unfair) Later I watch Steven Colber because to me he is ( The Music of the Night)
  7. SassyBetsy

    Sue what a beautiful visual imagery. I think I will read this often. Thank you for sharing your secret garden with us. I am proud to be one of your visitors. And these little walks really to bring the spirit into a better place and lets us Escape our physical room for a little while just for a little bit but it can really make a difference. I used to do this whenever I was uncomfortable such as in a dentist chair getting work done or even when I had to go through things with my divorce that's it too painful. It really helps to be in touch with our visual imagery. I'm not real sure that they've done any conclusive evidence that it makes a huge difference but I know for me it does work and I am happy to know that for someone else it does to thank you see you there
  8. SassyBetsy

    Thank you my sisters for your comments and prayers and love. Oh yes we have managed to laugh about this quite a few times with one comment that I was trying to get extra presents LOL but what my son did was he went down and got dinner on Christmas Day at the hospital cafeteria for himself and then he brought it up to the room where I was at eating my special healthy diet and we were able to have our Christmas dinner together and that was making a special moments that we will always remember in a good way. But on the other hand there has been Fallout as well. I asked my son why we when we went out did we just drive around a little bit in the car and then return home I said are you afraid to take me out now but he said no and I just get the sense that maybe he is afraid at least until I get the rest of my heart surgery. That would be this week and on Tuesday I will get the rest of the stents. I I am amazed at the technology that we have today because I know that my parents would not have survived the heart attack that I had because today we have so much knowledge in practice in medicine. Yes AshaI never really thought about the pain of a heart attack I mean you see the person in the movies clutch their chest and then fall to the ground and clutch their chest and say it hurts it's kind of like explaining childbirth to someone. But yes I would say that I was so at peace when I had my stroke and I knew what was happening and I knew what it was going to mean in my family and my life and my career and all of my hopes and dreams I knew what it was going to be while it was happening and I just didn't want to die and I just held on and prayed map to take me from my children yet but this time it was so different the pain was such an intensity and I was truly suffering but now that I know what's going on with all of that I am just so amazed and there is no explanation about why stroke doesn't hurt worse than it does It's okay though I have put it all in God's hands now but I thank you for so many years a friendship. With so many of these stroke survivors I have found true camaraderie and he even felt family members to some that I have been able to confide in I have been truly blessed by your wisdom and comforted by your love. I will be thinking of all of you and channeling all of your Poise and Grace
  9. SassyBetsy

    Heart Attack Christmas Eve

    I was sitting in a movie theater watching a movie enjoying some popcorn with my son and all of a sudden I started feeling like I really needed to get my bra off eyebrow is way too tight then that pain radiates down my left shoulder and arm and even my hand and I thought something's not right here I just couldn't get a full breath even with that darn tight bra off and I did something which I never thought I do in my lifetime I leaned over and I asked my son if he could please unhook my bra because I needed to get it off. Mom is watching the movie I had to keep covering my eyes because it was like being in an IMAX theater those the side effects were just overwhelming and I was wondering am I having a heart attack or is this my vestibular system making it very difficult for me to enjoy watching a movie. So then after a few minutes I decided to got my son again and tell him that I just couldn't do this movie so I got back into the wheelchair and he rolled me to the bathroom because I always have to go to the bathroom. So while I was in the bathroom I made the decision that I better get this checked out. So as my son rolled me to the car I was saying honey I'm just not feeling good so when he got me fast and in the seat belt and he was behind the wheel I put my hand on his and I said I want you to stay very calm and listen to what I'm saying and not panic I need to go to the hospital because I think I'm having a heart attack. So I was okay in the car driving there but as soon as they got me out of the car and we're rolling me into the emergency room I was finding it very hard to catch my breath and it was very uncomfortable feeling and the pain that had just been kind of an a was now an intense pain and pressure and I knew I was having a heart attack and all I kept saying is please let me breathe please let me breathe and it kept asking me questions that I just couldn't answer my son was answering them for me so I was okay in the car driving there but as soon as they got me out of the car and we're rolling me into the emergency room I was finding it very hard to catch my breath and I just kept saying please let me breathe please let me breathe and I need oxygen I told the person over and over but she just kept asking questions and I couldn't answer them my mind was just focused on one thing I need to braid my son was answering the questions and I was so impatient and I think I said something that was kind of rude and my son does not like to see me behave that way why does have no filter and he just intervened and said I really think that she needs to have some oxygen and so then they took me right back to the bed and then the doctor came in and was asking some questions it was all moving so fast and people were coming at me hooking me up to things and that was overwhelming they were moving at lightning speed and I couldn't keep up with what they were saying but I was trying and I was really annoyed at everybody you were trying to save my life. He asked me to come over to the gurney from a wheelchair yeah I was super annoyed cuz they didn't have the little step stool and this is kind of sadly hilarious. So what was kind of weird was that the person kept saying that they were really not allowed to use the stepping stool for people like patience and then she said well really the staff is not even supposed to use those and so I just blurted out then why is it in the building? And of course my son started saying come on come on you can do it up in the bed up in the bed which was code for oh you better stop talking. So then I was able to get up in the bed and then it's all just sort of a whirlwind after that I ended up upstairs and of course and no I'm trying to do what they tell me but also I'm needing to go home so that I can maintain my bed at the nursing home. There's a big long waiting list so I have to go back and claim it as mine and start that clock ticking again. Oh. I was just getting the hang of being a stroke survivor and now I have to be a heart attack Survivor. But I'm so grateful that nothing happened on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day because my son stayed at my side and I didn't want him to be scarred I said never let this ruin your Christmas because just remember that it's a day to celebrate did I survived and if for some reason I had not made it then know that I was free not now I have another dilemma I need to get some stents so after they did the angioplasty they debated over whether or not I needed to have the bypass or the stent they decided that I'm not healthy enough to recover well from the bypass so they want to just do this dance and said that I'm more likely to you don't know. And I'm grateful because I don't know if I could have been okay with more pain on that level and I was so chicken so it's sort of a good-news-bad-news thing because I kind of need a bypass but all they can do is the skin distant is extremely risky as well but it's a lot less risk and the doctor said that the longevity prediction is the same. I have to be brave for my loved ones right I'm so scared right now and yet I'm just still so angry that I Christmas was ruined and it doesn't even seem real that all of my problems overwhelmed my body and I could be dying but again I have borrowed time again and I can still spend some more time with my son. But he said to me that we've been spending a lot of time together since Thanksgiving and even before that so that's all it's ever Borton is spending time with their loved ones. And I think of my daughter and remind myself that that's all settled. All I keep thinking is that I having a stroke I felt such peace I didn't have this thing xiety it's like with the heart attack I told him that I felt grief like I was grieving I was so painfully grieving and having such bad anxiety when I had my stroke I was just so peaceful and then I remembered how peaceful I was in the car telling my son to take me to the hospital and it seems like the real Panic came when I couldn't take my breath so maybe that's why. Time is wish you a very they Happy New Year and may you be blessed to spend time with those you love and thank you for the love and support I know I can always some in here God bless all of you.
  10. SassyBetsy

    Well I've been sitting here enjoying reading your blog. As usual I feel just like I can hear your voice and that you're just sitting across from me holding a teacup. I know what you mean about having interesting friends. Living in the nursing home I have had quite a few. And I still have some. And some I just love dearly and feel like I'm a part of their family. Like my roommate. So God bless you Sue for seeing people as people with significance and that they are still human beings who love who feel who try who enjoy. And I feel like you're my friend too Sue and I'm very grateful that over the years you always read my stupid logs that go on and on or at least you commented before you leave early LOL but I do appreciate that you've always had concern and compassion and I appreciate that very greatly. Sue you hear people and you see people and the world needs so many more like you you are a blessing to us all and I'm so very grateful that your operation was successful and that as you recover things are getting back to normal that's good to hear. You are a super Survivor now XXXXXXOOOOOO
  11. SassyBetsy

    Thank you Kelly mother to mother it meant a lot to me that you could understand I'm sorry too for the pain you go through because of similar but I hope that things go well for you this Christmas and perhaps some video chatting well close the miles. Yes it's been a difficult time physically and maybe it's because of all the medication I'm on that I just not responding like I would normally I would be crying a lot but I'm not now I guess maybe part of me just realizes it's out of my control and I just have to accept what is and again like a stroke survivor Knows Best take what my life is and find goodness and happiness in it. But thank you Kelly.
  12. SassyBetsy

    Thank you sue for sharing it means the world to me you'll never know. Oh well now you do. Yes I'm sure that pain is just pain no matter what causes or what the laws is it just hurts. But you're absolutely right we live without them and their families and the takeaway here is we learn to live without them. It's a gaping hole but sometimes I know that there's a temporary oh so very temporary Band-Aid that is on it and then I get so happy and then Whoop That Band-Aid ripped off and so it's like oh and again. Anyway but what I feel emotionally is nothing compared to what I suffer with physically so I'm just glad that with the emotional stuff I can put it on the back burner and have a happy life but physically that's what I have to work with is that there's no living with that easily as you will know and can join in this unfortunate Club. But thank you sue thank you just for taking a notice of it all and it was just me venting I guess there's really nothing to comment about it's just like you say it is what it is and I really hate that cliche but it just is. And I will say that this time I guess because I have so much happiness going on around me with the Christmas I'm not one of these people that all of those things going wrong around me it it can't take away my Christmas spirit and the joy that comes from all the Christmases friends sharing sayings + and all the joy that we give and have from just everybody around us some more closely tied in bonds than others. So yes you make an important point of letting me know that pain like this is also something to survive and live well anyway thank you for that Merry Christmas
  13. SassyBetsy

    Almost hurts too much to share

    I just feel like I have to get this off my chest or I'm going to burst. Right now I really need to get my spinal RFA and I'm having to ask the doctor to up my medication because it has been 4 months. I needed it scheduled at the 3-month Mark I can't go beyond that I've told them before. But they were trying to get me in again for the surgery which I have not been well I've had multiple sinus issues in fact I'm going to see a specialist for a second time and get a CT scan this week. That's something minor but it's caused me to have to take antibiotic I don't know if there's something that can improve my not getting so many sinus infections because I've certainly tried everything except to having my nasal cavity drilled bigger and I'm not really think I'm ready to even discuss this treatment. You know there's some the treatment she just might not want to do in life. So anyway I just don't know that I'm healthy enough to go through a surgery. I need to recover from all of the different things that have popped up this year such as my shortness of breath my excessive swelling they put me down as having congestive heart failure but no COPD thankfully but I have pulmonary hypertension which they say well they could do something to improve the blood flow to the lung if they decide that it becomes necessary to so I can't even think about all these things all I know is that I need to get in for a mammogram and all of the things that I needed to do or wanted to do in December is being overshadowed once again this is a horrible horrible demon pain. I mean I go from somebody who's smiling and playing bingo on the weekend to somebody that laying in bed or sitting in the chair and suffering trying not to move. It's all kinds of pain. There's the stinging the burning the stabbing and about any kind of medieval torture that's what's going on on my leg. But I did go out on Thanksgiving with my son. I had a wonderful day. We like to play video game. We went to a buffet and we not only had turkey but we enjoyed Lobster as well. My son let me order something and so I was really happy and look forward to getting it for Christmas as he is always very generous and grants my wishes and then some. I only wish that I could do the same for him but I guess I did do a lot of that for a long time. But it was just so good to see him and to experience the love he has for me and to feel the love I have for him and we're not shy about expressing and saying it. But as I write this I'm crying because you see that day that Thanksgiving day that I was so thankful for reconnecting with my daughter something just Dreadful happened. When I call the number I got a recording that said it had been disconnected and was no longer in service. So I called her boyfriend's number and it said that I was blocked. So Panda King I immediately opened up the Google Drive where she had sent me many pictures the saying that it was too many to email that this was a better place to look at the pictures and it was gone it wasn't on Google Drive anymore. I guess I was blocked as a user. I mean she just erased me out of her life again. I've gone over and over and over what I ever said to her and I always said how much I missed and loved how many times I wanted to apologize for anything I did and she kept saying that it wasn't about me I hadn't done anything and she acted like I had nothing to be sorry for and what I asked and why she kept saying that it had to do with her. I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. To tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talk to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about I need one because there wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him off and on I just felt like she didn't give me much attention during our conversation. But anyway it seems like she wanted to make sure that I knew about the other grandmas in the family her boyfriend's mother and the baby father's mother that my grandson has stayed with which made me feel like an utter failure. But it also hurt me because I felt like she had never brought him around to meet me and visit I could have met her out in the community somewhere even at one of my Hospital appointment we could have gone out and I just don't understand why she never brought him around me that I was somehow those terrible mother that didn't deserve to have contact with the child. But we also talked about how she went and thought out her absent father that since he left when she was a baby she never knew. And I said well I hope that you don't allow your child around a man who was not legally allowed to raise his own children. And she says oh no oh no. It kind of felt like a betrayal but yet I told her that I understand that she wanted to see it for herself and see if she did she said. But I don't know what to believe about anything she ever said during any of those conversations because on Thanksgiving morning when I went to call her I couldn't reach her I couldn't reach the boyfriend and I've been blocked from the pictures. So my best friend trying to cheer me and give me hope said maybe it had to do with the phone service maybe she didn't pay the bill maybe this maybe that but it all comes down to know I was certainly intentionally blocked I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. to tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talked to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about any John because they wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him and I didn't feel like I got the attention during the call. And then she told me how she went and looked up her absentee father but since he had left when she was an infant she never knew. I said well I certainly hope that she wasn't having that child around him because he was not legally allowed to raise his own children. She assured me she wasn't but it did feel like a betrayal but I tried to understand her need to see it for herself. All of that was so unimportant I just was so happy hearing her voice. I always hoped I would hear it again but I didn't know what to hope for. But then I found out she had been close to me a few times when she came to visit friends and I just ask her why didn't she come see me the baby to see me and she just cut me off and said well the priority was for the baby. As if a nursing home or something that was going to be a bad thing on a baby. But I did find out that and it appears to be at a boyfriends house and she met the boyfriend because the mother was there at the hospital when the young man had a lung transplant and so she was offered a place to come live out of the Ronald McDonald House and that was a few years ago and she's been there and then the man tells the part of his family she's not married but I want to she says. But when I was talking to her I caught her in quite a few lies about things she kept saying how she loved the baby's father so much and had to work it out that taking a nice parenting plan Etc. But as I recall she said she did not love the baby's father and that the baby was an accident but she was going to have the baby and she couldn't decide whether she was going to give him up for adoption or not but then of course when he had congenital problems that needed surgeries that was off the table and it was too late for an abortion so there she was with a sick baby and nobody to help her so the baby's father has done a good job of taking care of the baby in fact I think that he has custody of the baby because most of the pictures were taken it seems not by her and she was in hardly any of them anyway the parenting plan of the future will be that he gets the boy when it comes time for school and I said well where is he now and she said with his dad though she hadn't had him at all this year because she's been sick she said and she kept telling me what the doctor was looking for apparently she was having a hard time getting the doctor to do an MRI because of symptoms she was giving him and she just kept saying different things about how she was sick and I said well what you're talkin about is usually fatal it has to be treated is this what you're talking about and it's like she just kept wanting to make me afraid that she was dying and I kept saying well go to the doctor find out exactly what it is because a lot of things mimic things so you've got to go to a specialist and get diagnosed don't just look on the computer and think your doctor has to go looking for this it was the strangest thing. I mean I've never talked to her about my breast cancer scare but believe me I wanted people telling me so it's going to be fine it's nothing I mean I wanted them to flat out lie to my face I wanted that hope. so it was very strange that my daughter kept talking about how she had this life-threatening illness probably and that she would most likely have to get on disability and I said you're only 27 get to a good specialist and I'm sure that you're not going to have to be on disability. well she told me how awful working was on her body and I just got this feeling. She wanted to get disability like her boyfriend who was indeed quite ill but doing okay at this time. well I asked if they were going to get married because I worried that would the mother still allow her to live there if the worst happens and he passed away I mean the mother may be happy that her son is happy but maybe the mother didn't expect him to survive or something. but I didn't say any of that I held my tongue of course those are the ranting fears of a mother at midnight. anyway I just praised her and encouraged her to have hope go check out the doctors and please keep me up to date and she asked me about my health but she didn't really want to listen to me go on about it. she never tried to talk about anything except a few things on her agenda tell me that she's probably dying the way that she looked up the deadbeat share pictures that the boys being taken care of the father because she's too sick to take care of him and all I did was support her and she led me to believe that she was happy talking to me and that she wanted to be informed about things. I guess I didn't talk about the things she wanted to talk about she asked me if my son is still around me and I said well yes and she answered well of course. so they had a falling out which she holds me responsible for but I just waited for her to say something else I didn't want to get into an argument. so she told me that she was going to be cooking on Thanksgiving and then going to her boyfriend's family later in the evening to eat and I said well sounds like you're going to be busy if I don't get a chance to talk to you before tomorrow then I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving she sounded very happy. and then I go to call the number like she knew I would of course I would of course I would contact my family member on Thanksgiving who's my daughter who whom I've been very close to during her teenage years and only after the stroke things were so horrible. But that's probably wishful thinking and if my son's any indication the problems go way back. In fact my adult son as always use the phrase doesn't she remind you of someone. Yes I put up with that peekaboo Behavior from the deadbeat finally figured out that the only reason he returned was that he delighted in looking at the Fallout. he like to be told how much he was missed and how important he was and how much everybody cried and how we felt because he wasn't there at some important holiday. but he was not remorseful for choosing not to be there he would blame it of course on me with some ridiculous story that my adult son has thoroughly quizzed him about all these things and my son has decided that the man is nuts and I'm remorseful. He's very anti-social believe me it's hard to lose take legal custody away unless they must so I had physical and legal and so he looks at it now that the children were taken away from him like he had no hand in it. but the courts had said he could go to supervised division again hoping to somehow reunite the children with their father. But he never did it he uses the excuse that he was out of state and that he just wanted to take his kids out of state. I think the court had a pretty good idea that if those kids left the state I would never see them again. I saved those children I raised those children I love those children nearby children and yet they are still his in a way he does not deserve my son says he likes the way things turned out they turned out the way they were supposed to and he's talked to his father over 10 years he listens but he tells me Mom he's never been interested in getting to know me he just talks about you and I said yes I am going to be the only senior citizen in the nursing home that probably still needs a restraining order. I never was in a support group for single mothers I was a good role model and I was proud of who I was and I worked like crazy and I put them around other family members that loved us and friends that cluded Us and Them. they never wanted for anything well I mean they wanted thing what kid doesn't drive their mother and saying about wanting thin.gs.. it's good that my son he worked for his first car but not my daughter I helped her out.. and yet she's jealous of him. my friend says don't feel insecure as a mother and I said no what's done is done dealing with stroke problems not parenting problems but I sure didn't need a broken heart right now. first time is always protected me and never passed on anything that we're in his communication with it father. only the beginning I asked and then I said no don't tell me. he said no he would not do that to me and he said don't worry about all his word vomit. well my daughter was not as kind. and so I was dealing with all of those emotions so old and dead and unnecessary. I had a professional career and it was cut down because of a stroke he was old news. Anyway it looks like my daughter enjoys his tricks. so my very best friend says to me will don't judge her you don't know what's going on. And I said look I am judging her but I didn't say anything that was judging her but I'm trying to find out who she is now because I don't recognize her and I came to the conclusion that I was proud of her and the conversations were nice I tried to be supportive when she said that she thought that she had something that might be terminal you know I just I acknowledge that could be real symptoms but maybe not something so Dreadful I was not judging her until I got that phone message and then I was like I've been played for a fool she does not love me she is not miss me and I'm kidding myself and my friend couldn't see that that was killing me. always wanted to be accepted by her mother and all she heard and me was that I was being judgmental I don't know perhaps we all hear what we want to hear and so that's why I'll never understand what went on all I know is that daughter disappeared again cast of focus on but I have one good child who cares about me and that's okay maybe after all this time my daughter will find what sea name I hope so but I can't be worried about it anymore and I guess it's obvious she can manipulate things and people and she's going to land on their feet and of course iiove her I want her to call me now. She punishes me for having a stroke, leaving her to fend for herself alone. She blames her brother for not helping her more. But he did. She quit her job. Anyway my happiness never lasts long.
  14. SassyBetsy

    So cool, I bet Christmas carol time is fun and family singalongs. Great accomplishments and no reading sheet music required. Wow! Never knew! Enjoy!! Great mind work.
  15. SassyBetsy

    Yes you will be ready again someday for another one. Yes we value our time spent with our elders.
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