Jump to content


Stroke Survivor - female
  • Content Count

  • Donations

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Country

    United States

1 Follower

About SassyBetsy

  • Rank
    Senior Mentor
  • Birthday 10/10/1963

Contact Methods

  • Stroke Network Email

Shared Information

  • Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
  • How did you find us?
    Google Search

Registration Information

  • First Name
  • State
  • Country
    United States

Recent Profile Visitors

6,284 profile views
  1. SassyBetsy

    Oh I'm so sorry to hear that the side effects have ruined a good thing. But what you described as a side effect of some neural meds I actually do have my eyes fixed in two different places as my eyes do not work together but it's not enough to do a surgery so basically it means they won't fix it and what happens is I have a hard time seeing which means I have a difficult time walking and just being in the world. But anyway anywho you just keep trying just keep getting up and one of these days you're going to find something that works. In the meantime we just keep enjoying life so much that we turn down the pain. Just keep enjoying the blessings you have in life. I hear you about the clothes I buy the softest cotton zykan and try to go as nude as often as possible. Take care Scott best wishes to you.
  2. I have had spinal RFA and electrode trial. Both help me
  3. Be gentle with yourself my dear Asha because you are the most insightful and kind person I have ever met. All of our emotions are there for a reason to teach us to show us and to share our Humanity in our vulnerability. If we are always going to Aspire for perfection we will have to have many many examples so it's very wonderful that other people write books and share their
  4. SassyBetsy

    Hello Sue it sounds like you're being a trooper as usual. I know that you our great friend and companion and I'm sure a great comfort to your friend. I'm glad that you're feeling like life is getting a little bit more routine and I'm glad that little by little you're planning for some fun we must have something to look forward to. No I'm using some pumps and I'm wondering if that's something that you might be interested in using the them at home. They've made quite a difference and keeping the swelling down for me. I'm just glad to hear that all things have been going to successfully for you. And thank you so much for keeping in touch with me I needed to hear those little voices from home thank you.
  5. SassyBetsy

    A few bullets will tell it

    And I mean the kind of things that are on PowerPoints or you know list those kind of things oh the word finding problems I have! Anyway I've missed everybody and mostly missed the days when this group was my daily meal. But maybe I can try to explain my last year. * NOV I did the spinal trial and surgery was planned for April for perm electrode *Then after Christmas I had Cellulitis over amd over for months *They said I have kidney disease amd heart failure disease due to having high blood pressure and diabetes formally diagnosed at 20 so now I'm 55 so after 35 years most of my organs and stuff have been worn down and or not exactly anything to hand down which is why I decided to donate my body to science rather than to be a formal donor. I figured that science could use a whole body every now and then. So I did the paperwork for that and got that all situated. And then got down to the mean business of surviving because I wasn't ready to donate anything yet. * so then in the summer the cellulitis stuff finally stopped because I met this wonderful wound care doctor in a bariatric wound care center at a large teaching Medical Hospital and he put me on a compression therapy. I wear something called a circaid juxta lite compression garment. It's just a rap with velcro to keep my legs compressed all day. I wear it under my clothes I'm used to it and it keeps my leg swelling down. I couldn't wear the stockings they would hurt and I would take them off scream bloody murder about it so this works nice I can make an adjustment here and there on it. But then the next thing he did was get me hooked up to a pump which makes my lymphedema system back up into the circulatory system like it's supposed to and all I have to do is zip on these blue boots that look something like an astronaut suit and air is in there and it massages the leg there's nothing more wonderful than my time spent in these. I try to use them as much as I can. All of that has been working very well for me and I have not had a cellulitis since I've been doing this. I also volunteered for a study with the Dermatology Department so they can watch what happens with me. * I know all of that sitting around just made it awful for my vestibular system that needs me standing up in exercising. So I went back to physical therapy. But you know how that is they only authorized six meetings and then it takes 12 more weeks to get six more meetings. But I plan to stay and physical therapy until I feel that I gained my ground again. That means doing my homework which is some of my exercises and strengthening my legs however every time I get a sinus infection and even though I've had my flu shot pneumonia shot will I still get these awful sinus problems and I'm on a number of allergy treatments. **I went in and found out that I do not have asthma and I do not have COPD! hooray hooray hooray! But sometimes I get short of breath. They tell me that I have pulmonary hypertension. Like I needed another formal diagnosis after my name. Does the person with the most win? Well I seem to be working towards it! But now I can honestly say that I don't have to be long to that study group which I had volunteered to be in and it turns out I don't have it after all so I still have my Amazon purchases going to that worthy support group to study because my friend has it. She has had asthma all her life and now she has COPD yet she has never smoked. So anyway they just said that I had it just as a way to waive their hand at me to go away and just listed as that but when I went and was tested formally in the booth they found that my lungs just don't breathe in at capacity. No other explanation. And so far no other explanation is coming. So I'm hoping that by exercising a little more that it will help me. I'm now going around in a wheelchair because they told me to be careful not to get another blister so I've been really careful because the last two pair of shoes have giving me blisters. I will be getting a brand new Walker because the one I have the brakes are not working good and the pouch is ripped I really put it through the ringer but I am really careful now about my feet. When I had to have an MRI 2 find out if the infection in my heel went to the Bone well that was a wake-up call but all was well! Again I escaped the bullet! So this week I'm going to pick up a new pair of shoes they're double depth. Fingers crossed! ** this month I'm going to order new glasses frames for my new prescription. My vision has been affected by the stroke. I have strabismus and nystagmus but it's mild and it's stable. But on any given day it acts up and I would say that it's moderate not severe but certainly not mild. The double vision comes and goes depending on where I'm at and who I am at the time I guess. So so I can color because I use one eye and I get very close to the paper and I can read my phone and I think now I can even use both my eyes together but not very often but over the past five years it's gotten a bit better the colors are better now at first they were all wrong try explaining that one. * last year my mammogram had two spots on it that were suspicious and they told me this and I burst into tears. I apologized and blamed it on the stroke saying that the slightest thing can just make me lose my dignity please forgive me. The women came around me almost in a huddle almost shielding me and I said oh no this is big news that often is responded to with an emotional outburst and do not feel ashamed. But they told me I needed to come in in a few days so that I could get this looked into as quickly as possible. I was at a Cancer Center that is world renowned and so I knew I was in good hands. And my news at Christmas time was that the one spot had been some sort of shadowy thing nothing to even test and the other spot was tagged and biopsied and was a harmless thing that is Tagged so that it won't be bothered next time. So now it's next time and I think I may be braver I know that when I get the news that something's wrong it will always be a sting because of course why would it not. But I will always have the courage to go in annually. ** so this year I did some things for myself color coloring is my hobby. I just got into it and I just never stopped. Now I have people asking me two color things out of the many books I have with perforated pages. Surprisingly and humbly I tell you that they have been framed pictures we're giving to me saying here's a photo of your picture. It brings tears to my eyes. One lady put a couple of my pictures in a collage with the Beautiful calligraphy Bible verse. Anyway it makes me happy and hopefully it makes them feel loved. What do people like they like my peacocks. And they like my fairies. Now I have a couple of books that I color just for me and those are like in my collection. I was a peacock for Halloween ! And if I do say so myself I took third place ! Not bad for just a feather in my hair and a scarf and a fabulous fan !! But now I've told you my secret ! But I don't have too much time to do this because my real hobby is POKEMON!!! Oh you just can't believe that yes my son and I play this game he even bought me a new game system for my birthday this year along with the cutest little plush. I find that distractions is the key to my pain management and for my mental health finding just plain old-fashioned silliness fun is the best medicine for me! ** I do have been trying to get some kind of reclining chair to elevate my feet but so far it's an insurance thing! They still look at me like I am the person that should be opening the door and just pop and down the stairs and jumping into a cab and going off to meet a friend for dinner. But I still have the same old stroke deficits that pop up every time I have an infection. I feel this week because I had been ill I had been complaining but no one was listening because my temperature was normal. But then my temperature was not normal and as I walk to the bathroom with someone beside me all of a sudden my leg gave out and I went down on my knees. She was holding the gate belt otherwise I know that I would have smacked my head. I am extremely careful when I don't feel well and I insist on precautions. Maybe that makes me a squeaky wheel but when I don't that's when stuff happens. Anyway they were able to call in antibiotics immediately with no other problems and I am very grateful for that so now today I was able to polish my own Nails my shakiness is down and I think that I'll be able to walk on my own without having to use my wheelchair. The good eggs in with the bad. I have had many blessings this year and many frustrations. Thankfully frustrations have a short fuse and I don't remember them for long. One thing that happened this year is that my daughter called me. Finally. As many of you had read my daughter had disappeared and I was never quite sure why yet I understand completely. good eggs in with the bad. I have had many blessings this year and many frustrations. thankfully frustrations have a short fuse and I don't remember them for long. one thing that happened this year is that my daughter called me. Finally. As many of you had red my daughter had disappeared and I was never quite sure why yet I understand completely. there's a lot of pressure for a daughter to be a mother's caretaker. I'm glad that my daughter went out into the world and made a life for herself. I would not have wanted it any other way. I am grateful for the time that she spent assisting me in the beginning and that great transition. And I think that she has grown up a little bit more now and hopefully understands a little bit more now that she herself is a mother. And yet there is still a distance now. It's like you can never really gain back lost time and things with people seem to just change or is it just me? My son and I are at constant. So it's not always 100% good and Lord knows we've had our problems but he's always there for me and I appreciate it. And I have appreciated it when he's honestly told me that he can't be there for me. And I want him do you know how proud I am of him 2 I'm glad he has an outside life of course. In fact I am so proud that he has traveled around the world in his work and his his research with cancer. But honestly what I wouldn't give to turn back the clock I could just make a laundry list of things I miss because my kids grew up. McDonald's at any age I miss so very much. So it's so funny because when my son and I get together the first thing we do is go get a McDonald's! It's like a tradition! We always travel with a large soda tucked away in the dashboard. And we are now playing this video game stuff together and I must say that that has drawn us closer. I wish that I had spent more time when he was younger but it seem like I took him to stuff but I didn't participate oh I was working and I was doing this and that and the other. Can't do everything but anyway it's still fun to get out and do what I can and be who I am today. I still try to do what I can like put on some makeup and some nail polish. It's so funny how some people will say oh I've never seen you with makeup on and I'm thinking wow has it been that long that I could possibly meet somebody and know them for. Of time and they not know that I love to wear makeup. And then other people will say oh I've never seen you wear nail polish and then I'm thinking wow now that's just plain crazy because I wear nail polish all the time but again they don't see me off and maybe. So the one funny thing is that honest here I have not had a haircut in one year let me figure this out 1 year and 6 months. Now I've put all kinds of conditioning stuff and all kinds of grow your hair back stuff trying to get some hair and I just decided that cutting it was just getting it shorter and shorter it was okay but I miss my really long hair so now my hair is back but it falls out like crazy and it's okay I don't know it's just long and it got long it seems like where did the time go and then I see how long my hair is and I'm like oh yeah it has been another Longyear so I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. I think I just I want to grow it longer and longer and see what happens. I think it's kind of neat to have long hair so I also know of a place that will not charge me too much more to color it so maybe I'll even color it. So far I've just let the gray come in I just stopped worrying about it because I had other stuff to worry about and the gray came in and I thought I can't keep up with it I can't keep chasing it. Besides I'm not really interested in looking younger or younger sake I was before I think I just didn't want that gray hair to show just wanted to do something different I always had it short. Go back to my early 20 days when I had hair to my waist. One of the things that I couldn't do was get the spinals for my pain relief and I was taking pain medicine every 4 hours which is making me fall asleep and so now I'm taking it every 6 hours I still fall asleep a lot but it's not so bad but I'm just wondering what's going to happen because I'm not going to be able to do the surgery until I get really over all of these infections and to tell you the truth I do remember how much it helped but I always get cold feet again over and over. Saying surgery makes me feel sick to my stomach. I would say that I'm afraid of the pain of surgery! But of course that's ludicrous when you have this pain syndrome it's already ruining every conscious moment and taking away so much of a life that could be lived. So I think I'm going to have to be brave braver than I usually am no braver than I always am. I'm just learn how to do this. But today I'm just remembering about stroke stuff and there's a reason for that. Somebody today told me and I've known her for quite a while and she told me that she had 2 t i a s and I listen to her story and I asked her what was she doing today did she have a neurologist and did she keep a regular doctors appointments and I wanted to tell her that there's no such thing as a mini stroke and there's no such thing as just a circulation problem. I wanted her to realize that maybe something needs to be looked at and maybe she should go but I didn't want her to be alarmed I just wanted to go see a doctor. And I said because things happen. And I know that people don't take it seriously unless there's paralysis. Anyway I see told me what some of her problems are there similar to mine and I told her about support group and how valuable it's been and I asked her about had you been online looking for info blah blah blah. All I wanted her to hear was go to your doctor. And thank you sue for always sending me a little note sending me a little hope in a little love. And now I'm going to sit back and read some of your blogs and have a visit with you all because I've missed you and I've wondered about you and I've needed you and yet you know how it is but it is so nice to feel like I can come back and sit around the Round Table and have a chat again
  6. SassyBetsy

    Wanting my new Shoes to walk in.

    So today My Doc said right lung sounds like it is not filling up all the way prob due to the edema problem. This year I am really suffering with edema stuff. So up diuretics and hope kidneys still function well in 2 weeks. Then it took me 4 hours to be transported home. The man who dropped me off is a bully. Everyone at the home heard him telling my cna that in 10 minutes he would leave without me. Well I was waiting for help getting in my wheel chair and hang my bag on it. I have a tote I got in the gift store window with matching cosmetic bags and a contrasting scarf on it. I always have it along. But today I failed to bring my charger and my tablet. I failed to put my supportive boot on my foot in the rush to leave. All of the drivers usually wait until I am actually late...it has happened. No one left. But this one was loud. I wanted to leave a friend a pack of cards on my way out. I did because I had that time. Then he went in the busy street loading me instead of the safer parking lot. I was afraid but he said he was in a hurry and parking there was easy. He was quick and rough. I said the belt was too high up I will slip under. There was no over the shoulder. I questioned him about it. He said I needed to relax and be quiet. I did...I called my insurance to make complaint on this driver and this driving company because he was arguing at me for stuff even saying I was not nice to my cna...oh the one I rushed for his sake?? He said I was not a nice person. So I just called someone to make sure he did not pick me up. He got lost...took me to a place way out of the way. LOL!!! He called dispatch saying I refused to tell him the right address. Well it sounded like it but who was listening. I told it to him...while the rep was on phone hearing it all. I could hear her apologize for what was going on but then we got on the right Road and we were there and so I needed him to bring me inside wheel me in and he kept saying he didn't have time to bring me in and I said what are you going to do leave me outside the door and he said that's all he had to do so there was a valet parking there in the valet guy was listening all this so the guy ended up Wheeling me into my doctors check in place like he was supposed to just because other people were there looking at it and he says okay here I said this is fine and he just left not have a good day. So I continue to talk with the insurance lady and she apologized over and over and said that that was really so unprofessional and that she did not want me to be alone with him so she had stayed on the line with me and I appreciate it so much because she could hear all that is going on and I think that the guy was sort of oblivious to it I think he thought that I was just talking to a friend and maybe because I don't think he knew that I was making a report. So then after my appointment was over I needed to go over and get a chest x-ray so I asked the office girls if she could call so that my driving company could take me right over because on the paperwork and also what the doctor had verbally told me was that I was to go directly over to get a chest x-ray. So then the transportation company was saying no there was no same-day appointments and I said ask to speak to a supervisor because if it's urgent then they will allow it so here we go. So they want three days notice and that's fine but it's not always possible. So anyway they said they would do it so I sat waiting. So here comes that driver that had been such a nasty bully and got me lost and I did not want to get in the same vehicle with him again and I said no no no no I'm not going with you. So he left and I saw him drive away and I told the girl at the desk need to get another driver to come out and she was just too busy so I grabbed my phone and I called and tried to make the reservation myself and I said why did you send out that driver when I was assured that I would not have to go with that driver again. So anyway all it did was punish me because they said that it would be an hour or two before somebody could come and take me across the street to the Radiology. If only somebody could have just reeled me across the street. So I sat there for not 1 not 2 not 3 but 4 hours. I kept calling are the people in the office ended up giving me a bottle of juice and a bag of chips so I had a lunch. I had asked someone if they are going on their lunch break if I could give the money and they could bring you back something but they made an excuse and so I figured that wasn't allowed. Unfortunately when it's first it happened one of the girls at the desk at offered to drive me over but I said no because that was against the rules didn't want to put her in jeopardy so she was really nice but I just didn't think that that was something that she needed to do and I was so confident that the driving company would come. so anyway I filed a grievance but all that does is they're going to figure out some way to spin it that it was my fault for not wanting to get in the car with the bully man. Anyway hopefully the sky will not be sent out you see I had already filed so that he would not be my driver but they sent him again and I was in a hurry to get there so this is what they do to me. So I decided that I couldn't go get my chest x-ray because it was time for my pain pill now I had brought enough to stay there for a couple of hours but I never expected that I would be gone like that I wish I could take all my medications for the day because you never know when you are going to be gone But anyway I had to skip this chest x-ray. So I called to see if I could go tomorrow. So here we go. That's when whoever was scheduling said that the doctor always says go to Radiology today and at that doesn't necessarily mean that it's a stat or an urgent okay so in my world when somebody says proceed directly to Radiology today that sounds like that's what I should do. And now I've been told that it was not so important it means that I just sat waiting around to go there for nothing I should have just had them bring me home so anyway but it wasn't just the problem with getting another driver to come out you see they sent that driver to the wrong address again and then they actually sent somebody to the nursing home to pick me up thinking that I needed to be picked up there and more than one driver came in instead oh you're in a wheelchair I can't take the wheelchair. So it was a comedy as I just sat there waiting now I find out that it was for nothing. anyway it's not like I would have gotten home any sooner. but I wanted to find out about getting the chest x-ray and so the final verdict was that I could go next week and that was fine. and I'm actually grateful because I'm so exhausted and sore it's hard to sit in a wheelchair like that. I mean really my back is aching my legs are aching. Well it's because I ended up climbing into a vehicle I had to get out of the wheelchair and climb into a little mini SUV. so my muscles are really sore too. So anyway I just said okay forget it I don't want to talk to any more people about this whole thing I just want to watch some movie and up my dinner and just forget about it and then I fell asleep. so now I'm up in the middle of the night kind of restless and wide awake. okay so here's the new thing I have been diagnosed with sleep apnea. And always one to do something spectacularly I have the worst sleep apnea that my doctor has ever seen he told me. so he wanted to show me the chart he said over 30 is considered severe. He showed me the chart which showed 2in of nearly all the blue filled in. he said that I had a hundred and six. he told me that I should never even nap And that I should always have one of those oxygen readers on my finger to check the saturation. So okay now about my CPAP machine well I didn't get the run-of-the-mill CPAP machine I got a BiPAP machine not only does it blow air in my mouth when I'm inhaling it blows air when I'm exhaling!!! anyway I feel like I'm in a tunnel now they do give you 30 minutes where it's not blowing As hard as it will be blowing later when you're sleeping. So it's actually tolerable at first not pleasant but tolerable. Okay so when I wake up in the middle of the night to take a pill and that thing is blowing like crazy Thankfully I go back to sleep pretty quickly most of the time but when I don't then I just take the thing off. there's a lot of times that I wake up and I've taken it off in my sleep. I feel like I'm suffocating because of all the air blowing in not because of the Mask. I tried the new nasal pillows and the nasal mask but it feels like the air is scraping off the inside of my nasal cavity maybe even blowing my brains out. So I didn't use it for a good six months it just sat there. And yes I asked if I could get the pressure lowered and I even ask if I could try the full face mask. The answer was always the same this is what your doctor ordered because this is what you need. well it wasn't that I just didn't want to use it it was that I physically could not wear the thing. And then a couple of things happened first of all I signed up for a study called overlap study and they look at why people don't use their CPAP machine and how to help. so I was randomized and I was put into the group that would do some online activities and watch online videos that would tell me all about it and I would be able to speak with the coach. so anyway there were seven big chapters with each having between 3 to 7 modules inside that talked about the benefits how to use it how to clean it Stuff like that. So rather than go with the scare tactic sleep or die there's was supposed to educate you and convince you and support you that this was the greatest thing since sliced bread. So then the coach called a couple times that were inconvenient. Imagine that. I have the most free time than anybody I know but we had to reschedule. so we did and when we were talking I had already finished all the modules. so he said do you still want to talk to me since you're finished. I said that's why I wanted to do this so that I could talk to somebody that somebody is holding me accountable And somebody understands what I'm going through. The first time I talked with someone it was a respiratory therapist he was very knowledgeable and he's the one that said with the high-pressure you have you should not be using those nasal pillows because I know how uncomfortable that can be. Finally somebody that actually understood that I wasn't just setting it aside saying I don't care if I die in my sleep that I'm really having problems using this real problems in fact now I now have another album I'm falling asleep in my chair and I'm sleeping there rather than getting to bed and put the mask on. but it could put the mask on while I'm sitting in the chair but of course I tell myself I'm not going to go to sleep right now I'm going to finish my tea I'm going to finish coloring I'm going to finish watching a movie all these reasons I'm still eating. so I am short of breath for real. so I'm using oxygen. so right now the oxygen is not hooked up to the mask and I said I think that I want my oxygen hooked up to the mask but the doctor needs to check out all these things I've got to sleep overnight with some monitor thing he's got to look at there's all this stuff he has to do. Another excuse for me to just set the mask aside and wait till another day night. when I met with the doctor I had been using the machine only because I had signed up for this study I was going to meet my goal and I was going to meet my goal of using it for 4 hours at night. That was supposed to build up some kind of Tolerance get used to it and maybe I'd actually sleep through more than 4 hours but I have to take a pain pill so that's not happening. I'll get back to the pill thing in a minute. so the doctor says I see that in the last 30 days you've only used it 30%. Ben mind for the last six months I hadn't touched the thing. so I said to the doctor well that's 30% more than I've ever used it before. But the doctor ask to do his job so he had to say a lot of scary things to try to convince me I need to use this. the problem is knowing I need to use it and that it's dangerous if I don't is not helping me to breathe Against the Wind Tunnel. so I told the doctor that when I had been in the hospital for 7 days that the respiratory therapist had come in and surprised me and said would you like your CPAP machine hooked up now. and I was so surprised because I never used it I said no I can't use that and she gently said well why and I told her why and she said well why don't you just give it a try and so I said okay I would she put a full face mask on me and I tried it and there was no big puffs of air no wind tunnel it was just a gentle steady stream and and I didn't notice that I was being suffocated and I wore it every night for 7 days. So I suspected that it wasn't on the setting I usually get and the doctor said probably not and so he looked it up and apparently the setting I was getting in the hospital was a v and the thing that I'm getting right now is 16. So I'm getting a little bit discouraged because I'm really not using it more I'm just feeling a little bit more depressed and when I take their little how are you doing today surveys it's like the more I don't use it the worse I feel Yet even that doesn't make me want to use it. I know I'm being very immature and irrational like a child that doesn't want to take her medicine but breathing is something I do comfortably without it. yes it is scary that if I stop breathing I may not start up again. I wonder if all those little episode things that they're saying have anything to do with the fact that I'm in constant pain. so there's that so because everything has been harder to breathe lately with this fluid from the edema and between the sleep apnea I really wanted to get that chest x-ray. plus I need a TB screening I was exposed to TB but apparently I just had to take the medicine it never went active but I had the Little Dipper kules floating around and so for 10 months I took various medications. I'm sure all is well. But right now I don't know when I'm going to get that chest x-ray because it looks like it will be next week. I really look like I'm always not complying and I know that the doctors will think it's ridiculous and I'm also have my legs wrapped up again because they're trying to prevent another bout of cellulitis I've had two bouts of them on both my legs so now I have to wear those little balloon support pump things and at first they said do it twice a day morning and night for 1 hour well again I have to do something spectacularly awful so that didn't work at all on me. so the doctor told me to put them on three times a day and perhaps leave them on for 4 hours per session. So where does the living happen in between putting my legs and knees boots made out of bouncy material and fills up with are supposedly fixing my lymphedema problem. so I'm out of them constantly at my legs hurt and I am just swollen but I'm wrapped up so I've had to take the wraps off twice on one Leg . Right now it may not be wrapped sufficiently to prevent the swelling. but I had to take it off because my leg was red and had striations on it. So tomorrow we must take it up and look and see if the skin looks better because it shouldn't be red like that then I'll have to be on antibiotics so until my wound is completely healed on my heel the pressure sore I cannot get the spinal to relieve my pain that's why I'm taking the extra dose of pain medicine instead of taking it every 6 hours I'm doing every 4. the end of last year I have that spinal electrode trial and I was going to get the electrode put in permanently which would enable me to go back to therapy walk more get stronger work on my vestibular problems and most of all not have to take the drugs maybe even Beyond cutting back maybe I could cut one of them out even maybe I wouldn't have to take the Lyrica. I was ambushed with these darn swollen legs and kneading to take antibiotics for the infections and then to get a pressure sore on my heel. So right now I never go out and play cards. I miss my friend I wanted to give her a new pack of cards so I did. but she was sleeping so we left it on the table I hope she knows it's from me I never could play Bingo I'm just not my usual bubbly self either I'm tired and fatigued I don't seem to get enough air ever I'm not struggling for air when I'm awake because I do move I guess I'm not breathing at night. the one thing that upset me was when I was in the hospital one of the neurologist from the pain clinic came over and told me that I shouldn't worry about the surgery to put the electrode in right now because I'm not healthy enough to get the surgery and they have to get me healthy enough to get that implant put in. no it's an outpatient procedure but there is incisions that open the spine and that's risky. so I can get to think about this anymore I just put it on the back burner then I got a message left that I need to come pick up the shoes I ordered you see every year I get a pair of shoes that have diabetic orthotics in them and so I went and had a fitting and pick the shoes and he said my feet were so swollen that he wasn't sure that that was going to be a good fit and I said well this is the feet that I've got to work with I've got to order the shoes now time will go by and I've already waited for a couple months to do it so I just have to order the shoes right now so I ordered them but right now I wouldn't be able to get my foot in a shoe they're too swollen and all I do is wear socks so anyway I'm going to go pick up the shoes and I'll put them with the other shoes and pray every night that I'll be able to wear them someday. So I can't believe that June is almost over I don't know where the months have gone I don't know where the time is called 6 months I have just disappeared and I can't even imagine what is going on I've missed six months of doing the things that I usually do I'm always in a wheelchair now and it's a horrible and then they yell at me because I get up out of the bed and I walk around and my legs laying down in the chair and I'm thinking I just want to sit in the chair. They need to get me a footstool right now I'm using a box with the pillow on it. I'm waiting for the home to purchase a proper foot stool or a chair that has a reclining thing. Plus they took away the foam at that was around my bed. they said that they were cleaning it and that was in early May and it laid outside and it got rained on for over six weeks I've been saying you're not cleaning it you're leaving it in the rain why would you do that. So I hope that I get my phone at you know they don't worry about me falling I guess well I'm pretty good at not falling nevertheless I have nystagmus and double vision and I also slide off the bed and I also get the shakes sometimes the jerking and I really am a fall risk. because I haven't had a full lately is because I am very careful and I always ask for somebody to come in and help supervise me getting out of the bed and into the chair so if I do feel shaky there there and I think it helps me go slower and pay attention SO with all of this dreary nudes I must say that I still call my friend did I grew up with constantly and we talked she supports me and we talked about when she gets retired and she's going to come out here and put her feet in the beach. she says I need to get ready to go on some road trips with her. she keeps my spirits up but I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint her because it seems like it's just one health problem follows the next and I'm not getting healthier I seem to be doing the opposite and I really feel horrible so I just rest a lot. it is unimaginable to most normal human Minds I think about being in constant pain at the 8 and 9 of their ridiculous scale because no one not even a woman in labor is experiencing the most pain possible but I always say well according to the scale of the worst pain I've ever had this is between 7 and 9 because I actually get to the point of screaming that I need my pain medicine. and every time there's a new nurse I have to go over the protocol of how to manage my pain medicine it's like they say oh whoops sorry I didn't remember to wake you up whoops sorry so all I can do is wash my hair in the sink in the bathroom and do a bed bath kind of thing in the bathroom because my two legs are wrapped up and must not ever get wet. The bandages are changed once a week. It's just like I have done this twice before but this time I don't have the infection they want to keep compression on so I don't get an infection. so sometimes I'm so happy just to have a nice washed hair and then I'll put a little makeup on just so I don't look so pale and washed out. before I would sit out in the sun not too much not getting a burner to tan just sent out just to get the vitamin D and just to get the sun on my face. So I opted to keep my nails polished this makes me happy to have pretty nails And I love to change the colors. But now I have a nail fungus again so I've had two keep them trimmed way down and also I've lost parts of the nails due to the fungus so part of them will have to grow back again and I'm just thinking please God notice me. once again I have my days and nights mixed up and I'm just sitting here dictating this because I haven't made a posting in a long time. I kept thinking well maybe tomorrow I'll have a better mood or have better news but it seems that the status quo settling in. thing that is most painful to me is when people talk about their outside lives things that they're doing and I realize I'm not doing anything. I literally do nothing except occupy space. So the lady that came to give me communion told me to pray about my purpose and what I can do here for others. and that has always been what I've tried to do since I'm here might as well. so it warms my heart when one of the CNAs came to me and ask me some advice and he said see that's why I came to talk to you. he even got pen and paper out and wrote some things down he said something that has been making my soul soar. He I said you always know something about it no matter what I ask you you always have a story and good advice. wow now my own children have never said that to me okay so maybe they have at some point in their lives when they were much younger I didn't know everything about everything. well all I did was just share my own life experience and give them some resources and this young man was wise enough to know good advice when he heard it! So anyway I was so happy that I was good for something that day. now there's this lady that pops in to visit with me and she usually wants to tell me the same story and say the same stuff and I listen and I try my best. anyway this young man who's been my CNA this past week keeps calling me Mom and I know he means well but it makes me want to cry because I miss my kids. so my son he text me and yet it's not the same I say I want a phone call but I never get one and of course he's endlessly busy and I know that but I also know that there comes a point where people withdraw and they don't keep up the pace anymore except for my really good friend who always sends me a box every month and it's really nice they have a token because it means I'm not forgotten. I can't believe it it's already 3 a.m. and I'm noticing how hungry I am I guess because I skipped my lunch and I only had a little salad for dinner because I didn't like the dinner and I didn't have any snacks. I was supposed to stop at the pharmacy and pick up stuff and then I would have picked up some soup and supplies that I need but that didn't happen today oh I got to find out when my next appointment is and then try to go later. Okay well I have to stop now . If you made it all the way to the end I thank you from the very bottom of my heart for listening and caring.
  7. SassyBetsy

    Sending prayers for a miracle and comfort for you. It is hard to be at a distance during illness. Your compassion shines through to son now. Be at ease that your Gary needs you more now and be assured that son has support where he is. While it is not a mothers touch he still knows you support him and DIL right now.
  8. SassyBetsy

    I feel your pain. Hobbys keep us in that zone where we almost forget our problems but pain is relentless so no shame rest stops are necessity. Glad you posted. We missed you and your can do spirit. Cooking is best gift. Food is so important. It nourishes heals comforts us. A good meal is priceless. Of course it is nice to share more fun cooking and eating together or making it for someone else but you have the right idea to nourish yourself first too. And not skimp when it is table for one.
  9. SassyBetsy

    THANK YOU Tracy for the understanding. Thank you Sue for sharing. I have lymphedema in both legs,which makes the problem of circul!tion. I hwiave pumps to put on trwice a day. It pumps up and down my leg. I feel goodafterward. On the foot that has the black sore on the heel I have to wear this boot thing it's all puffy and I can't walk on it so I have to take it off if I have to get up and go to the bathroom it's a big pain but it does make my foot feel better to not have any pressure on that support and I'm going to have to go to the wound clinic about that and see what the next step will be. But as far as my lymphedema goes I have to start all over and do these wraps compression wraps with bandages to try and get the water off my legs again and then I can get fitted for these velcro circaid juxta Lite velcro wraps and they'll be in a small size to keep my legs small and not puffed up like they are now so they don't want me to go until I get rap three days in a row. It's really a pain for me to get picked up and taken over there three days in a row I did it before and I just can't believe that because they didn't keep me rap at the nursing home and I didn't get those things to where and then my cellulitis just returned and I've put so much effort into trying to stay well but they're not helping me. So they say just lay in bed with your legs up in the air but what I need is the compression and I need these things to be ordered by the doctor. So anyway today I got to try out the pump and I really enjoyed it I just sat there for an hour and colored and the time went by and it made my legs feel great. So I'm hoping that in the future this is going to help prevent getting my leg infections. I really have to do that so that I can get overdo the clinic hanging get the spinal. I don't know what's going to happen about the rest of the things that I need I'm just taking one step at a time. I'm sorry that you're going through all these things to but it does help to know I'm not alone. It is really horrible to be in the hospital so lonely experience but I didn't appreciate that the food was really good. And it's a sorry transition now but I really need to stop eating such rich foods. LOL well I'm sorry that oh that happened to the melanoma leg because that leg deserves a rest I hope that everything is under control and that you won't have to do much to it.
  10. SassyBetsy

    Back home

    ! I can't believe this April already! And I can't believe how long it's been since I've done a Blog. So much has happened all of your prayers have helped the miracle that has happened in my life. I was on antibiotics IV plus pills well the ivy was 10 days the pills was like a month and still I had fluid weeping out of my legs. Now I have a lymphedema condition they say and they said just elevate your legs and keep it on this diaper here so that all this fluid doesn't keep getting all over the bed and just stay here in the bed. Well that didn't work well for me because I'm a Nancy person and I like to pop up and look around and sit up straight and I just didn't believe that being in the bed for the rest of my life was going to help things. So then they sent me out to the hospital to have my legs looked at they said well you need to go to the wound clinic at the medical center and get a dressing on this. So I went back to my nursing home and they said well you don't have to go there we can get the wound doctor to come see you and the treatment nurse will come and do her thing. And the doctor is going to come see you. Well between those three fools I managed to have these cauliflower looking gross up and down my calves that were infected painful and all I could do is just sit in the chair I couldn't really get out and do anything. So I was very lonely. And it's nice to know that my good friend that I always go visit he said you used to come visit me all the time what happened don't you feel good. Well he's blind so he can't see that my legs are all wrapped up like a mummy. Because when I finally got my wits about me and got scared enough I decided I'm in too much pain not to go do this so I went to the wound clinic. The doctor there just said I can fix this but I can't prevent it from happening again unless you will elevate your legs and keep these bandages on. So I did and it wasn't easy because you see one of my legs is that crazy stroke-like with CPS and to have it bound up with tight elastic binding was more than I thought I would be able to bear and yet I did it and they did use a really soft cotton ecloud kind of bandaged. Was just fabulous and I would not have been able to do it without it but the people here said that I made them out to be a fool. Well if the shoe fits put it on. So the wound doctor came to see me the day before yesterday and I just laughed him out the door and I said no I don't want to see this doctor and he looks so shocked like you've been kicked in the knees and he said oh you don't want to see me and I said there's no need I'm Healed I'm all healed up and he's like oh oh well if you ever change your mind and I said you're still not listening to me I said I am cured. So anyway that fool went out the door. Now I understand why so many people have their legs amputated around here. I truly am grateful to the wound clinic and my big blister on my foot got healed my leg got healed and I'm in good shape right now in fact I'm wearing circaid juxta lights which are these really cool things instead of support stockings so that's supposed to help me comply with their wishes for me to stay compressed now this swelling seems to be going on and they asked me when did it start and I said and I started taking medication. infected painful and all I could do is just sitting the chair I couldn't really get out and do anything. So I was very lonely. And it's nice to know that my good friend that I always go visit he said you used to come visit me all the time what happened don't you feel good. Well he's blind so he can't see that my legs are all wrapped up like a mummy. Because when I finally got my wits about me and got scared and of I decided I'm into much pain not to go do this so I went to the womb clinic. The doctor there just said I can fix this but I can't prevent it from happening again unless you will elevate your legs and keep these bandages on. So I did and it wasn't easy because you're see what am I like instead crazy stroke leg with CPS and to have it bound up with tight elastic binding was more than I thought I would be. You wrapped it up with really fluffy bandage over a wound dressing and then compression wrap was put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistance and I needed my legs wrapped up in big trash bags. Not the Glam Squad. But I was so grateful to feel hot water again. So then after that I was able to do what they told me and my wound healed up great on both legs and it's kind of pink red shiny right now and I'm not sure what it's going to look like when this gets finished but I don't care about scars at all I'm just grateful to have nice skin again. And at first it was a really dried up mess but guess what my treatment right now is. Right now I'm putting Selsun Blue on my legs for 10 minutes a day and after that a good coating of Aquaphor. And then this is under my circaid juxta Lite which are instead of support stockings. There is a velcro which means I can make them more comfortable. But since the idea is to keep me wearing something I think it's just more or less the idea that in the event of I can adjust them. So in 2 weeks I will be done with all of this watching me with the blue shampoo and I don't think I'll be using it on my hair because I just watched a YouTube thing about a girl that had the purple shampoo turned her blond hair blue. So I think I'm going to avoid having blue hair although I really think that she looked cute with blue hair. So anyway right now I am really thankful that I am up walking around on two legs however my strength has been is that from me. So I went to lymphedema Clinic and the specialist there said it doesn't appear that I have any vein problem and in her honest opinion it's just a bunch of swelling that got out of hand and because the water had nothing else to do and nowhere else to go it broke free by spilling out of the pores which just made a break in the skin and then by having me just resting my legs on a diaper it was actually pickling bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and I bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and I bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and I bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and I needed bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and I needed my legs bandage over I will dressing and then compression rap with put over that. I had to leave it on for a week. Showering was difficult and I needed assistant and I needed my legs wrapped up in Big trash bag. Not the glam Squad. I went to the lymphedema Clinic and the special is there said it doesn't appear that I have any vein problems but that I do probably have some circulation Problems and she wants to do a 3-day rapping to see if she can get that fluid to move out of my legs. She said that by letting my legs just sit on the diaper pickling in the juice that was coming out of my legs cause even more sores. Now she advised me to elevate but also to get up do exercising like leg pumps ankle pumps and walk around because she said that the inactivity and laying in bed was causing more swelling. I just wanted to throw my arms around your neck give her the biggest hug and I just felt like I told them so I told them so! I knew nothing good was going to come from my laying around and not get up. So I broke all the rules Which is a good thing or a might be in worse shape than I am. And I needed to see people. What it did to my mental state I can't even begin to describe now I have been on so much pain medicine that I sleep a lot but I swear I've lost a couple months I can't even remember what was I doing where did the months go I was just sick I was just dealing with my legs and look it's already April. But my legs have healed and I cannot begin do you express how grateful I am to the team that help cure me and so when these people here at the home come in and say oh you made us look like a fool I just don't have any patience why aren't they happy that I avoided maybe a bone infection that would lead to something worse. oh so I forgot to say that the week after I first went to the wound clinic the nurses came to me and said I needed to get another 10-day antibiotic through the IV. now I had stayed in bed those 10 days my legs up my arm out I was not going to deal with that again and I said I just had the infection cut out of my leg nobody mentioned anything about backup Antibiotics. Then they said I had this blah blah type of infection. So the next week when I went in because I was going in weekly to get my dressings changed because they frankly didn't trust the home to do it I asked them if I needed to get a 10 day I intravenous antibiotic because the culture showed blah blah. The doctor said so it's looking good it's Halen fine and it's going to be better than expected and it doesn't look like you need to have any more poison capital L capital O capital l. well those heavy-duty antibiotics are really good when they can save your limb but I think you meant that I wasn't a candidate for that anymore. so the world Clinic was very very good for me and the home here finally got me the stuff I needed like the soap in Aquaphor and Are helping me out. though there was one problem of course there always is the girl at the desk came around and was talking about how I should have not been seen because of insurance thing blah blah blah so then I called my insurance and they said oh no you should not have been involved in that that should have been behind the scenes I said okay all right. so then the next week I was there the girl at the reception was rather rude and so I thought okay she's just busy and then something came up and I had a question for one of the nurses so I called and I asked if I could get a message to the nurse and anyway long story short the woman was really short tempered with me now I know that I don't understand things the first time I'm told anyting. but then I got to thinking about it after I hung up and I thought wow this is not doing my soul very good to be feeling like I am right now and I need to tell somebody about this. my medical group has a thing called we listen and I called them and I vented. so then I got a phone call from the office manager at the wound clinic and she apologized said she thought it was just a misunderstanding. well I said I do miss understand plenty but the one thing I know I never misunderstand is politeness or the lack of. so anyway I said that I did not need the lady to call and clarify anything I just wanted somebody to notice what was going on in their office because if I didn't have to return their I would not and that's a shame because the medical team is excellent. so anyway I went back the next time and they tell me that it healed really great but that they weren't discharging me yet because the doctor wanted to make sure that the swelling was it going to happen again and they want me to use this air pump that I'll be wearing twice a day and push the button and it will be compressed let eggs. so after using that for two weeks I'll go back and see them again. But in the meantime I'm waiting for the insurance stuff to go through and for the medical supply to bring it to me and teach me how to use it. I'm grateful for all the new people I've met who have helped me and for those that I've taught me 2 also be gracious but assertive. Then so now here it is springtime and if I feel like I hibernated through winter because of all this it seemed like one day I was running around with my shoes getting a blister because the stim trial worked out really well and then the next I was lying in the bed feet up hooked up to an IV. So much as going on and I feel like I can't even remember it all this medication makes me not remember but one thing that's been really awful is my roommate has been declining and she used to be so Lively but they put her on something for anxiety. she doesn't eat very much anymore she doesn't want to eat and her voice is like a whisper now she just keeps getting weaker and softer my best friend and I talk all the time and she said you've got to stop getting involved with people there at the home because they are so much older than you sicker than you and a lot of them are going to die before you. so one of the main problems right now is that I add to cancel my surgery and so that means that I'm not going to be getting the electrode put in and I'm not even going to be getting the spinal and so not going to be getting the RFA. The nurse wants me to call in and then probably go in to see the doctor. I said I need to get completely well and make sure that this is not going to start up again so I'm not going to be scheduling the surgery but I would like to get the spinal RFA. I feel like I'm a damn down that I have cancelled the surgery that they had brought this team together and he had sought out this great program that could really change my life and that I just am now really super worn out disappointed what went on and I'm just not ready to schedule it I feel like I need a minute and my doctor also agreed that caution about infection I should be taken because I guess foreign bodies make good places for infection to go to. anyway I just need to get off of all of these medications that are making my mind in hibernation but on the other hand after all the pain and the ivies and all that I just feel like I need a break and I just thought to myself surgery surgery do you know what you're doing surgery! so my best friend says to me what's the matter with you you are all ready to do this you were all excited you know that this is the way to go why question now? well I have the answers to that first of all I don't like how I was treated when I was really in pain and I needed them and I'm questioning how well they're going to take care of me here then the next thing is I was thinking about what I went through and do I really want to do surgery am I prepared to go through that recovery and I guess it just all of a sudden when it was a couple days away I got cold feet first I was upset that I wasn't going to get to have the surgery and then the next thing you know I'm upset because I just needed to cancel it and and that was that so they just need to hurry up and reschedule and I've just got to get myself back in the groove so that's why the doctor wants me to come in for another consultation so the day that I went in to get my RFA the nurse does something about oh we're going to see you for the surger! so I said yes then she says do you know how excited Dr so-and-so is to do this surgery and I said well I'm not doing it for him and the nurse says oh I know that and then she looked at me really strange and I realized that I had just blurted it out and it didn't come out sounding very nice not like it did when I was thinking it for the first 2 seconds but there it was and I was wondering why did I say it like that do I feel pressured do I feel like if I don't get this surgery I'm letting them down do I feel like I just need to get it scheduled and just get it done already looking forward to this I need to think about how wonderful it was to be walking around and not have the pain that I have everyday not have to take all this medication and all the positives the decision had been made in fact I would be getting the surgery in April but it's not going to happen now and I just need to concentrate on one thing at a time I get very overwhelmed. I know that this is not a good thing that I've had too much time to think about it and get cold feet it was better when I just went from doing the trial to scheduling the surgery it was fresh in my mind how much it helped and now I've had time to wonder about am I doing the right thing by having the surgery and maybe I don't need the surgery maybe something else I just want to not have it just want to have some way to get out of having surgery and I don't really believe that that's the best thing for me I believe I need to get Brave and get the appointment so and I know that doctor would never I want to be coercing me and that he would want me to do what I decided was the best thing and that I need to fully believe and be on board that it's the answer for me in a realistic way of course but based on the trial there's no reason to believe that it's not going to help a little bit and a little bit will that be worth what I'm going through with all the recovery time and I'm very very scared of that and you know I I guess I am just I know I'm not alone that I have my support group here and my family and my children and hello everything's going to be good but I just really got some cold feet and decided that I needed to take a break and maybe it was just because I was so sick and that I just felt like I needed some rest and maybe this is just what I need to do right now and maybe think about it in the summer I don't know how long I can put this off because I hurt a lot and I don't know if putting it off it's a good thing because I'm not able to really walk around but anyway are you going to try to get my health back in order and then I can think about what I'm going to do I'm probably going to get the surgery I just don't feel like there's and option I just can't see going on living with this daily pain like this it's like something must be done. anyway I just want to focus on celebrating.. I am home now and it is may now and I am still dealing with infections, and just have a black pressure sore on my foot now. It hurts. I EXERCISE by walking around but no p t right now. I never go out for appointments now but i am trying to get back to shape. I ordered new pink shoes. I want to wear shoes again. I a am ready to walk around and be healthy. I color,watch netflix and visit with friends here. My life is sad though. My days are filled with prayer, as i try to be willing to livve as i am given my days but i seek better health and days. I wish my roomie was given a better bed, better food, better time. I am learning to sleep with a sleep apnea kit. I used the nose pillow thing but it shot air up my nose and choked me when i opened my mouth, then the one that went aroundd my nose was too tight. I like the one that lets me open my mouth and talk. Of course. I would not like ever being gagged.
  11. SassyBetsy


    Suffering is something I am good at. I ha ve constant pain, not chronic. I am always in pain. It is my life. I am able to color and watch movies and eat and do thngs that they determine are all signs that I am not having a 10 day. I am in the hospital right now. I had to get myself to urgent care, then they sent me to the ER and then IWAS put upstairs. cellulitis again in my legs, but this time my right heel has a bed sore. not a blister, this is agony, who will get me what I need while I am in the hospital.... well the nurse last nite let me sleep. Islept over 8 hours. I woke like a banshee and with twice the attitude of queen of them. I blamed them for all of it everything and then I got some meds in me and was fine. no one understands me. I must return in a couple of days or lose my bed in the hom I need to sleepn now and the nurse says she will wake me. Good morning I am waiting for an MRI. I have a bed sore on my heel. I thought it was a blister, OMG ! I want to scream. I was going to get an electrode and now this. I never get rest.I want to be happy now, I need to go go home to rest but now this. I want to go home to rest but I Must get an MRI b4 I can go, finish antibiotics and go home to the place I call home now, or be alone homeless. I want to cry, I feel alone. My son did not want to come to hospital to visit. No flowers, but my best friend told me a care package for mothers day awaits me in the the mail,so hey I am loved. One love is enough for me. I polished my nails yesterday, I feel better with red nails. The pain management team member visited,told me I am on too much pain meds so that hurts me more, I need less meds to feel better, I nearly felt crazy, I said yes I want an electrode, but it took years to get this cocktail all day to be figured out. I cried, I mean it makes me feel nuts to cry in front of people, no reason but mad at mean people who confuse me, fail to listen, no compassion, of course I take a lot I fail to understand how can I take less when I hurt so much more than in my dreams..I need cry to feel better then Empty Alone What is my goal today they ask me as I lay writhing in pain screaming for help,a pill,a shot,relief The goal?to Be normal,walk,smile,be happy,be nicer,what goal,on what planet am I on,what time dimension am I from...am I in purgatory.....they ask me seriously..... l wish I knew the goal. Am I for real can anyone tell me in a nice voice that I am going to be ok and return to what I used to call nohrmal? It is a nightmare to be alive in this pain,alone in pain,alone without love yet my son tells me I am loved but he is busy as children grow live a life apart,and I feel regrets for things because NO ONE IS HERE! I know I lived a good life helping others yet here I am alone on an island, stroke took me away in a boat to a place where I cann of even talk right when I am sick,I cannot walk when I am sick,and then they look at me as if I am faking it, but the docs say stroke makes it this way,then it went away. I feel better and it is not easy to explain to people I was ill,stroke deficits returned, and now my shaking is done, I can see better now,and I am a better yet weaker me. I am whole and again myself. I was scared. I called neurologist,he looked over my case and called me saying I not need him, hooray. Then hospital antibiotics, I am o n day 6 now, time to go home or I will lose my bed. Am I this ill... They don't know. Please send me home. Or I will not be allowed to return to my pretty room. .
  12. SassyBetsy

    Dearest Sue, Now is filled with challenges, obstacles that are not deserved by one who lived a life as selfless as you did. But somehow I have a feeling that Ray lurks in the background, just like that movie, an old black and white....what is it....anyway true love lasts to give strength, not misery,yet we long,and miss happy days. My true loves were my children. I dream they were little again. I rode in a van I used to have. Miserable ride. I did not cry though. I miss driving, freedom, my children, all of our outings Being a Mother. All those vacations,still never enough. Sue Enjoy Now with grandkids to give them memories,stories of 44 years. I see you and Ray early 60s, over down under,riding trains in open country, buying a little fixer upprer, making a life! Wow! I feel you,Sue. Surgery is terrifying. But follow your zensibilities. Lol. Hey look, I made up a NEW GOOD word. Recovery takes planning. My old professor was a counselor,taught me how to work with my school teenagers in groups,and put us through it. She told story that we need comfort. She said she had a favorite teddy bear. And when she had surgery she put her teddy bear on the couch along with her favorite throw blanket. She talked about how it was there to comfort her. She was very happy just see it when she got home and it helped her soul which helped her body heal. She reminded me that we are more than just what our bodies are. We are souls. I think sometimes I forget especially on my body is causing me way more problems then my soul is. And I guess I should be grateful that I am not as concerned about my body when I am taking care of my soul. She taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable to be afraid and to be comforted. You see my family it was always about not taking pain medicine and being strong I'm not shedding a tear and not saying that you were fearful and everything was just fine. That is a lie. Things are scary, hurtful, lonely in real life. Bodies hurt,souls hurt. It is no sin to want pain relief. For all that hurts us. So be comfortable.do what you must. But you are a warrior too. God bless your procedures. You give lots of love so it will return to you.
  13. Those dang insurance and long term care issues!!! They throw sand in your face when you need them or they pull you out of water,toss your coin. I had to appeal repeatedly and when I lawyered up got a hearing then the judge saw me and saw reality. I pray he has plenty of supportive friends to pray and one special one to send gift boxes over the years like mine who gave me my drawer of fuzzy socks! Be yourself for him and let him be the new version as long as it takes to reemerge or rewrite, or whatever. Share what he gives out,understand what is a mystery,love. You will make the difference. We know.
  14. SassyBetsy

    Thank you all!! I am crying with joy! I am full of fear for my legs. I look there Becky and see those beautiful hands of light and words of encouragement and draw strength. If I say I have been so out of it to blog then there is how wrong this is...me silent,not complaining???LOL! My spirit is lifted and my gratitude list grows. May you all receive double back on your dance cards!!! Keep rockin
  15. SassyBetsy

    If you find some soul mates then who cares about demographics. Look at hearts and for supporting you. It will be refreshing I am sure and you bring so much energy wisdom and fun to the mix! Remember who we are makes a difference!